Ex Bf Ended Relationship After Mom Was Murdered

[Crna2004]

This is my first time posting on this forum. I truly need some advice right now because I'm struggling with my feelings:

I was in a relationship with my boyfriend/best friend for over 7 years (been best friends for 20 yrs). He's 40 years old and I'm 45. His mom was tragically murdered by his nephew in March last year. He was extremely close with his mother.. So he had taken his mother's death extremely hard. He had always been the caregiver in the family (giving advice, helping financially). He is very private person anyway. So it didn't surprise me initially that he was reserved with his feelings. I completely supported him throughout this time (tried to help w/ funeral arrangements, bringing food for him and his family, being there emotionally whenever he needed me). I valued that time with him because it was stressful for him. I know that he was going through depression. Several months later (around Aug) I noticed that he became very withdrawn from me and his family. I knew he was severely depressed (loss of appetite w/ significant weight loss, irritable towards me, very defensive, loss of libido). I wanted to be close to him. I really wanted to help him deal with his loss. It got to a point in our relationship that he told me that he needed space. It came out of the blue for me! I love him and I'm love with him. I truly consider him as my soulmate. It was extremely difficult for me (and knowing that he was and still is under a tremendous amount of stress: death of mom, changing job after 17 years, selling and buying a home) I accepted. I told him that I will always be here for him and be a best friend. Well, it has been almost 7 months now. We were only communicating through texts maybe 2-3 x day (we used to constantly text and talk daily.. He was the first person I spoke to in the morning and last at night). I've shared my feeling to him (even had asked if he love me and that I want him intimately). It only lead to an argument and him being defensive. I became depressed that I sought counseling (blaming myself for the end of our relationship).

Throughout the past 7 months I agreed to remain friends. I slowly started to realize that he only wanted to be causal. But it was becoming more difficult to talk to him casually (through his random texting) let alone being around him (we only seen each other twice since Aug) because I still love him. I felt awkward (as if we're still together but can't show affection). I made several mistakes throughout these past 7 months: telling him my feelings for him (which always cause him to get defensive); constantly talking to him to try to work things out; telling him that I didn't want to be friends anymore (because I need to heal emotionally) only to be told by him that I was selfish and not understanding what he's going through (in which I would text him the following day after the argument); telling him that I'll wait for him (even though he told me multiple times that he doesn't want a relationship). I guess that I was hoping and praying that he would realize that our love is strong and he want me to be with him again. But I was slowly accepting the fact that things are never going to be the same again. The affection, the interest in our past relationship is gone! I finally talked to him a couple of days ago. I asked him if he can honestly tell me if he love me like before (or physically attracted to me like once before). I needed to know for closure. He told me that he will always love me as a friend. He said that he has nothing to give anyone anymore. He said that he doesn't feel whole anymore, feeling like he has no purpose in life. He said that want me to be happy so if that mean finding someone else then I should do that. He also said that we need time apart. I was absolutely devastated!!! I thought that I was done with this whirlwind of emotions (I was even mentally prepared for this answer- so I thought). I cried all night. I can't bring myself to contact/ text him now (it's been 2 days). All I've thought about is why after 20 years as best friends and 7 years in a strong loving relationship that he doesn't want me anymore?

I do understand that he is going through a grief that is unimaginable (he has told me in the past that I can't even fathom what he's feeling right now). I went to a couple of grieving support group sessions (for survivors of traumatic loss of family members). I have read A LOT about the stages of grief. But I feel helpless! He is hurting badly. He continue to refuse any counseling. He has pushed me away but yet still remain close to family members and other friends. Why would he push away the one person who has always been there for him and love him unconditionally? I know men and women react differently with grief. My mind understands.... but my heart feels like it's been ripped out of my chest (and I know that is how he's feeling now with the loss of his mother). I'm hurting because I can't bring myself to contact him. I accept the fact that I have to move on because we will never be together again, that he will never love me that way again and that we will never be best friends again. I have been praying for him daily since this his mom's death to help my ex heal and cope with his loss. I am deeply hurting because I've lost the most important man in my life. Through this horrendous tragedy I've lost my partner, my confidante, my lover, my soulmate, my best friend. I feel destroyed! Please.... Can anyone give me some advice or comfort right now. Please??

[kayc]

What he said was key: He has nothing for anyone. He needs space. His life has been turned upsidedown and any asking him relationship questions comes as pressure to him, pressure he can't handle right now. he just doesn't have it in him to deal with your emotional needs, he has more than he can handle with his own grief and loss. The fact that this was murder makes it all the harder. He is not the same person as he was before and never will be the same person again. Everything in his life revolves around before and after that one moment in time when his mom was murdered.

The best thing you can do is grant him the space he asks for. If you have any text from him, reply without demands, without telling him how you feel about him, without asking him relationship questions. Not unless you WANT to push him away!

I know this is hard because I went through it. I was engaged for a year and my fiance suddenly broke up with me when his mom was dying. Fast forward 3 1/2 years, we are friends, talk on the phone, that's it. It is hard to understand, I have lost my dad and am losing my mom, I lost my sweet husband 8 1/2 years ago, I lost a niece, nephew, grandparents...I am not a stranger to grief. But never did I shut out those that I love. So it's hard to "get it", but I have had to accept that all of us handle our grief differently and I had to accept the changes it brought to our relationship. It killed me, I cried myself to sleep, what little I got, for MONTHS, until I made the decision not to let him hurt me emotionally any more and put a guard around my heart. It's the only way I've been able to survive talking to him with the changes in place in our relationship. It's the hardest thing in the world to go through, but as hard as it is, think how impossibly hard everything must be to him right now. Right now is a time to put his well being and needs ahead of your own. Love is not self-based, true love is other-based. Rather than taking thought for what YOU want, pay heed to what HE needs right now. Who is to say if it won't return to you, you never know. In reading through the threads here you can see that it usually changes everything forever, but remember every situation, every person is different, so you can only give it time and see what will happen. I would not, however, hold out hope, leave the unknown future to the future.

Right now keep busy, reconnect with family and friends. Take a class, resume a hobby, try something you've always wanted to learn. Grant him his space. In about a month you could send him a very brief text saying something like: Thinking of you and wanting you to know I'm here if you ever need to talk. NO RELATIONSHIP TALK, NO FEELINGS TALK. If you do not hear back from him, continue to give him space. Don't rush it.

I'm sorry, believe me, I know how shocking, upsetting and hurtful this all is to you.

[Crna2004]

I am so sorry for your loss. I feel like crap right now because you have went through a LOT. What I am experiencing is insignificant compared to you and my ex (and plenty of other people on this forum). I know you're right. I have been keeping myself busy these past 7 months (exercising, taking extra shifts at work, hanging out with co-workers and friends, etc). I think just hearing it (in this case reading it) from another person who has been through this is making me understand. I told him awhile ago that I'm sorry for being selfish. I owe you an apology too. I am not a selfish person (far from it). I am just truly trying to understand his feelings as well as my own (and try to put mine "in check"). It is about him and not about me! I have written that statement on my mirror. I will leave him alone and see if he will reach out to me. I will respond briefly like I usually do. But I will constantly remind myself daily of the above statement so I won't over analyze anything. Thank you so much for your advice and understanding my feelings. I know you understand and empathize what he's going through. But to give advice from a perspective of both sides is valuable. Thank you. I will be praying for you as well to find peace.

[MartyT]

My dear, I just want to add that we also recognize and understand what YOU are going through. This is for you an ambiguous loss,

and the feelings associated with it are the same as if you had confirmation that your boyfriend has died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief is also complicated by your need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the mourning process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It's like harboring a wound that cannot heal. As one expert in this field states, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity."

I cannot add anything to the wise advice you've received from Kay ~ our resident expert on coping with this sort of loss ~ I just want you to know that we recognize this is not only about your boyfriend's tragic loss; you are a person in mourning, too, and you deserve all the support we can offer you. ♥

[Crna2004]

I'm crying right now as I'm reading this post. THANK YOU! I will do what I stated above: remembering that he is suffering! It is about him NOT me!! Thank you so much ladies. I will post at a later date if I need to talk or vent. I don't have close friends (he was my only best friend). I'm pretty sure that I'll be doing it often.

[kayc]

Crna2004,

HIS loss is about HIM, but YOUR loss is about YOU, and you are suffering too! Don't devalue what you are going through, it is very hard to lose a relationship you cherish, or even to have it change form. I hope you will continue to come here, your feelings will be many, varied and may change from day to day...they are ALL valid! You had a 20 year history with him and I have a hard time believing he will just totally throw it all away, but he does need space, he's having a hard time wrapping his head around what has taken place. I wish that he would continue to turn to you and appreciate you but alas I've learned here and through my own experiences that that is sometimes not what happens. He MAY come to his senses later on down the road. Like I said, Jim and I are no longer in a "relationship" but we ARE good friends and will always care for each other...to me that is worth a lot, and I'm glad we were able to come through this hurdle with that intact at least, some have not. You owe no apologies here, not at all!

(((hugs)))

Kay

[Crna2004]

Well, I can give you an update about my situation. I felt so relieved and validated after I posted about my feelings. I decided on that day not to make the initial contact with him. If he randomly contact me then I will respond appropriately. I promised myself that I will not talk to him about my "feelings" or past relationship or anything! So, for the past 2 weeks we would correspond (he would send me a random text about some things he's working on in his home or the weather, etc.... I would send a quick reply to that topic). I reminded myself everyday as I read my message that I wrote on my mirror "It's not about you... It's about him!". Well, we got into a text argument today! Here's how the situation went down:

We are in the same profession (nurse anethetists) so we have A LOT of mutual friends and acquaintances. One of them asked me last week about my ex-BF. I told her that we don't talk that much but I think he's doing ok. She mentioned to me (as a rumor) that someone had told her about seeing him w/ another female. I responded by saying that I don't know anything about that because we're not dating anymore. I must admit that it has been bothering me a little throughout the week. Anyway, this morning I sent a text to him telling him about this "rumor". I wasn't thinking how he would respond to it. If anything it shouldn't matter to either one of us because we're not together. He first responded by texting "LOL! That's obviously not true". I thought that was the end of it.... But it wasn't! He mentioned to me about something that his aunt told him a few weeks ago (I want to remind you that I have known my ex-BF for over 20 years. I've been close to his family as well. I have always felt closer to them than my own family. He knows that because I've told him that years ago). I haven't seen or heard from his family especially his 2 aunts (a lot of his family asked about me during Thanksgiving and Christmas. I normally spend the holidays with his family since my divorce 8 years ago). So I've been thinking more about him and his family recently (since March will be one year since his mom/his aunts' sister's death). I sent both of them a personal message on FB (I inbox them) saying that I hope they are doing well; I was just thinking about them recently (especially during the holidays); and things will be not be the same. I ended the message saying "love you guys and take care". I guess one of his aunts told him. It was a caring and sincere message. It wasn't malicious in its content. But maybe (obviously) he and his aunt thought so! He asked me if I told them about us. I swear I didn't mentioned it to them! Well, all of this lead into him telling me that I like to start drama and that he's "tired of the bullshit". He said some hurtful and hateful things to me during the exchange of texts including that I have never been a friend to him. He also said that he just rather not have me contact him!

Now I have always tried to watch what I say to him. I'm usually the one who respond to emotion first (that's how it was during my marriage). I learned that when you say something to try to hurt the other person that he will probably forgive you but he won't forget it!!! So I think what I say to him before actually saying it. I've tried to be like that with him when we were together. I don't like when he's upset with me (especially now). I told him that I will go along with his decision and that I'm sorry. That statement sent him into a further rage and he started cursing, saying that "I know what the hell I'm doing..". The last response I sent to him was this message "I've tried to be a good friend. You wouldn't let me. I have never tried to hurt you. I love you too much. I don't understand why you treat me like s***? I know of several relatives and friends who have done far more that what you claimed I've done to you. I will not beg anyone for friendship. I don't deserve this!". He said some more things, including that it should be easy to talk to me but I feel that the negative outweigh the positive so he doesn't bother! I said that I didn't understand. He said some more stuff but I deleted the chain of texts so I don't recall what was said.

I feel like shattered glass right now! Now granted, I am not distraught like I was when he had ended the relationship in Aug. I just feel hurt because I have really tried to be his friend! I had constantly reminded him that if he needed to talk to someone that I'm always here. I have been there for him for over 20 years!! We can't even have a conversation anymore without him getting upset! He does not treat ANYONE else this way except for me (I know this for a fact). Hell, his sister (his nephew was the one who stabbed his mother 33 times) was supportive of her son and spoke on local television stating this... It caused a serious riff in the family. Now they continue to have get-togethers with her being there! I know of several of his ex-GFs who've done some hurtful things towards him. He still speaks to them! Seriously??!! I don't want to understand! I'm upset! It is wrong! It is not worth trying to bend over backwards to make someone accept my friendship. I have decided from today on that I can't and will not contact him at all (not even respond if he texts which I doubt it now). What's troubling to me is why does he hate me? It actually a rhetorical question. I will move on. That you for reading this and listening to me.

[kayc]

I am so sorry you experienced this, it was extremely unkind and unfair. He DOESN'T hate you. He has no reason to hate you. When people grieve, they often feel angry, and all the more so if it's due to a murder. They feel helpless, confused, angry, and their brain doesn't function right. I hope it isn't interfering with his ability to do his job, particularly in the medical field. They can't strike out at work or with certain people, and sometimes they strike out at the person they feel the closest to, the one who has been there for them through thick and thin. That would be you. He's not thinking clearly. And it sounds as if he feels guilty for breaking up with you which further fuels his anger. He may be feeling angry about the person that committed the murder, or our system, or himself for not being able to protect her, or just life in general.

You did right to establish a boundary of respect, without which you wouldn't want a friendship with him anyway. It is good that you stood up for yourself. Whether or not you can ever be friends again remains to be seen, but I think some space would definitely be beneficial in the meantime. The space will protect whatever feelings you have left for him, and vice versa. It is good not to get into angry matches, texting or otherwise.

[Crna2004]

I will follow your advice Kayc. I was devastated 8 months ago because I lost my confidante and soulmate (and we both were grieving over the loss of his mother together). I slowly started to accept that at least I had his friendship. Now today I have come to the realization that I've lost my best friend. I'm saddened but I will be ok. But he will always be in my heart. There won't be a day that I won't think about him and hope that he's ok that day.

[kayc]

Check in here now and then, let us know how you're doing, okay?

[Crna2004]

I will. Ok.

[Crna2004]

It's been 2 weeks since that dreadful text argument. After the third day of that argument, I broke down and sent him a short text saying "Hope everything is ok. Just thinking about you. Have a good day.". He responded "Likewise". Later that day he started sending random texts. I respond answering his texts (like we were before). So that's how it's been for the past two weeks. I keep thinking that he still has that same personality (all the qualities that I love about him) but when I don't see a text in the morning (telling me "Good morning sweetheart") or at night (telling me "Good night, baby. I love you"), I know that things are different for us. I'm glad that we're texting again honestly. He is my best friend but we're not even close like how we used to be as friends. I think about him everyday. Sometimes I just start crying when something (a certain song, a thought which makes me think about one of our vacations together, a certain movie, etc) triggers an overwhelming feeling of sadness because I am not with him anymore. Valentine's Day was the worst day I've experienced in years. It was hard! It was the first time since I was 17 that I've never received anything or been with anyone (and I'm 46 years old). We didn't text each other that day. I thought maybe it was for the best. I don't think he loves me that way I still love him. I guess I don't know that for sure (because in the past he got upset when I asked about his feelings-even during that argument 2 weeks ago he told me that I always assume how he still feels about me and nothing's change). Anyway, I'm grateful that he's still in my life. At least I look forward to him making me laugh, smile or check on him to make sure he's ok once during the day. Sorry I'm rambling.... I was tearful because I heard a song that made me think about one of our "special moments: just being up all night listening to music". I miss that. I miss him. One thing that gives me some comfort is that most people can't erase all the memories established from a 21 year friendship.

[kayc]

Try really hard not to talk "relationship talk". His comment about your assuming how he feels about you indicates he may well feel more than you think. That does not mean, however, that he will ever act on it, only time can tell. My ex-fiance has indicated he still has feelings for me, but not once in the 3 1/2 years since he broke up with me has he tried to get me back. The only clue I've had as to why is he was caught off guard by this just as much as I was and I don't think he trusts himself to not hurt someone again since it was almost as if he had no control over the matter. He simply could not, all of a sudden, deal with a relationship in addition to what he was going through. No warning. Of course, it'd be very hard for me to trust him again enough to resume a relationship, it would take a lot of proving and frankly, I don't think he's up to the muster, I haven't seen any sign of it. We are "phone buddies" though, and I'm content with that, I do not hope for more, that would not be realistic.

You're right when you say it's not the same, it isn't for us either. It was different when we were in love and planning a future together. It would be easy for me to love him again, but I'm too smart for that.

I don't know how your story will end, it's impossible to predict. For now, I'd concentrate on making him feel safe enough to continue a friendship.

[Crna2004]

Hello,

I've been reading all of these posts asking for advice for the grieving BF/GF (and even for themselves). I've also noticed a few posts that are very negative (in which I say this forum is not for them). I just want to thank all of you for the advice and words of encouragement that you've given me on this forum. I didn't understand until I posted here that I was going through some of the same feelings that my ex-BF was going through (well.. almost similar because I didn't lose my loved one to a death). But I truly appreciate that knowing there are others who are or have been through what I was feeling at that time. It's been 3 weeks since I've posted anything on here. I am definitely in a better place emotionally and physically. I'm not dating anyone because my one true love is my best friend. My ex and I still communicate (only by text) several times a day. We ask each other daily about how the other is doing on that day. I haven't talked to him about any "relationship stuff". I have mentioned to him if he ever want to hang out (go to a movie, lunch, etc) just let me know. I told him that I missed hanging out with my best friend. He responded "Ok. I miss that too". I thought it was a huge step forward with us being best friends again! I definitely realize and have NO EXPECTATIONS of us getting romantically involved again! I just know that I have my old friend back... We send silly texts to each other trying to make each other laugh, send silly pics, talk about movies, music that we both love, etc. I feel that it is especially important to be there for him because this Sunday would be one year since his mom's murder. He mentioned that to me a few days ago... I told him I knew and I will be there for him if he need anything. What's kinda funny is that I know that he loves me (and I still love him) and things are exactly how it was when we were in a relationship (except for the intimacy). I realize after knowing someone for 21 years (and knowing EVERYTHING about that person) that type of love will NEVER disappear! I will continue to keep everyone posted on any updates. But for now I am thankful I still have my best friend.

[mfh]

I am glad you have found this site to be so helpful. Yes, knowing we are not alone with our tough hurdles in life, makes all the difference. It sounds like you are handling this situation quite well. Enjoying what there is to enjoy without pressuring or having expectations. I am glad for you and you should be proud of yourself.

[kayc]

You are handling this so well and it sounds like it is resulting well for you. I'm sorry you find some of the posts negative...that's understandable considering loss is not what we consider positive and sometimes it's really difficult to handle. Most of the people here are winging it and trying to learn on the fly, so to speak, and have a need to express themselves free of judgment and receive comfort, advice, and encouragment to help them through their journey.

Thank you for taking the time to let us know how it's going, it is refreshing to hear a positive post here when it's a section that often is full of heartbreak. My best wishes in your continuing relationship!

[Crna2004]

Hello everyone,

I want to give everyone an update about my situation. It's been a few weeks since I've posted on this forum. Things are still going well with my ex-boyfriend (as far as us being friends). We text each other multiple times a day. We have been talking on the phone almost daily (which is a huge change). He has been opening up more about the acceptance of his mom's death, dealing with his nephew committing the crime (I think he's trying to get mentally prepared for the trial coming up in May) and coming to terms with the ending of our relationship. I have also come to terms with our past (we were able to talk about it rationally). I know this type of friendship can't work for everyone. I think what makes our friendship unique is that we started off as best friends. We both understand that completely. I know that it was important for us to remain best friends because we have no one else to confide in (we have a "running joke" that no one understand us but each other because we're just alike). Neither one of us have tried to date anyone else. I'm certainly not interested because my mind and heart is not into the dating scene. I still love him (and visa versa.. we're still able to say that to each other) and I am not hopeful about a boyfriend/girlfriend relationship. But I can say for certain that we will always remain best friends (especially after 21 years). I will always be there for him through good times and bad and that we will remain loyal to each other. Thank you again for everyone who has given me advice on this forum. It was hard for me to deal with because I felt alone. But once I realize that he was going through hell and really needed me I was able to put my feelings "in check" and support him. That helped me a lot! I know that it helped him. I hope that my situation will remain positive because right now I'm in a good place. Thank you guys again for all your help and support.

[kayc]

Although your situation is different, it sounds like it's turned out for the two of you much like it has for us. I just got off the phone with Jim, we talk every day pretty much. We can tell each other anything (and do) and regard each other as dear friends. Because of the distance, we don't see each other often, but and least we're good friends. I don't worry about the future, I've accepted that I'm alone. We have neither one dated in the time since our breakup and it's been nearly four years.

[Crna2004]

Hello,

It's been a few months since my last entry on this forum. I had to come back to it to help me out. It will be almost one year since my ex boyfriend ended the relationship. I have noticed that he doesn't contact as often as before (especially within the past month). I only respond when he contact me now. I've been feeling sad these past few weeks. There have been numerous things (a certain scent, a song, etc) that would trigger memories of us being together. I don't cry about those memories like I used to. But I do believe our friendship is not the way it was before. We haven't been texting regularly. We definitely don't talk on the phone. We used to go hang out at the movies. But it's been 3 months since I've seen him (and he only lives 20 min away). He used to text me about how he's feeling. Now he barely reach out to me. I know it will never be like it once was... which is why I'm sad. I truly thought that I was okay and that our friendship (our 21 year friendship) will remain intact despite the end of the relationship. I have been really keeping busy with work. I definitely try to socialize with others (co-workers, acquaintances, family). But it's not the same like how I used to hang out with him. It's sad because I don't have him as a best friend anymore. I don't even have him as a friend. I have said to myself mutiple times that I should just stop all contact with me but that's easier said than done. I don't know why I'm asking for advice. I'm not grieving anymore. Just sad

[kayc]

Your sadness is grief. Grief takes different forms and usually evolves...in the beginning it's hard hitting and all encompassing. Gradually as we begin to come to acceptance, it's something we just carry with us, yes, like a little sadness inside for what we lost and miss.

You had a very long relationship, it's understandable that it's going to stay with you for a long while, possibly always. I think you've already learned you can't hope for things to turn out a certain way, that it's out of your control. Also that it's hard to understand what even he cannot understand. It is a very strange thing. Even though I'm "friends" with Jim (he broke up with me four years ago), it's not the same and never will be. We were in love, going to be married, going to spend the rest of our lives together and poof, just like that it's over, through no fault of anyone's, just done. We talk on the phone and you could never tell we'd once been engaged. He's very careful not to say he loves me but he certainly did before!

I think your situation is a little different than the others that just had someone in their lives for a few months. It could be that he won't realize what he's missing unless you do go no contact. But that's certainly no guarantee of anything changing.

I guess you have to do what makes YOU feel most comfortable or happy.

We can do things that help and not hurt the relationship (don't bring up relationship talk, don't sound sad to them, no pressure, etc.) but we also have to realize it's not a way to control or manipulate them into wanting to spend time with us. Be yourself and let the chips fall where they may, is my best philosophy. I, too, miss Jim coming here and hanging out together, it's just not the same.

[Crna2004]

I had the opportunity to talk to my friend (ex-BF) a few days ago. I felt compelled to talk to him because I wanted to know if he still consider us as friends. We don't text a lot anymore. We haven't talked on the phone since 7 months ago. We don't hang out anymore. He doesn't talk to me. I told him that I feel that the friendship is one-sided. I've tried to text him like every other day (whether it's a funny quote or pic, asking how he or his family are doing that day, trying to arrange for lunch or just go to the movies to get his mind off work, stress, etc). He always have an excuse. I intentionally put forth this effort because he have told me on MULTIPLE occasions that I haven't been a "true friend" to him. When I haven't text in a couple of days he would text and ask me "are you ok?". There are other things that has been said that feels like "mixed signals". He invited my family and myself over for Memorial's Day to spend with his family. I worked 24 hr call shift (so I was tired). When we arrived at his home I mingled with his family and briefly talked to him. I started falling asleep on his couch. After a few hours I decided to go home. A few days later he texted me to say that his holiday was "ruined" because he felt I intentionally avoided socializing with him (but mingled with his family). He was really upset. He asked me one day earlier this month if I was getting off work early. He wanted us to go to the movies together. He told me to text him when I got off work. I did but he was still at work. I didn't hear from him afterwards. I figured he had worked late (which happens a lot). When we texted each other a few days later I brought the subject up by asking him "What happened?". He confirmed what I thought but followed up by saying "If you knew I worked late then why are you asking me about it?". I felt he should have sent a text out of courtesy. Anyway... Back to the beginning of my post. I feel that I'm putting so much effort in proving to him that I'm a true friend to him that I'm not getting that feeling from him. He told me that he just want me to "be normal". He said that I wouldn't ask any other of my male friends to go to the movies, lunch, etc. I don't have any other male friends but him!!! Now the sadness have come back dealing with all of this.... I'm questioning whether he love me or even care about me. I did tell that I thought our friendship was different. We have been friends for over 20 years! He told me that we communicated a lot before (when we were with other people) and there was a point where we were intimate. But that has changed. He said "just treat me normal". I don't know why but I was hurt again! He couldn't even acknowledge that we had something special! I don't know... Maybe I'm reading too much into this conversation. Maybe I'm grieving more because it will be one year in Aug since he ended the relationship. Maybe I'm sad because my best friend, my true friend, is not the same (and we will not be the same again). So, after our conversation I decided that I will not contact him for awhile until I get over these feelings for him and let it go! I read a quote the same day that said " When you realize that you're constantly treating a person a lot better than they treat you, it's time to make a change". And that's why I have made this decision. I've deleted him number, email address, FB, all pictures saved on my phone, etc. I was saddened after doing all of this. I just came to the realization that doesn't love me or care. I just feel that I need to do this for myself to move on .

[kayc]

You need to do what is best for you and heal from this relationship. I think you're making the right move. If he doesn't know you're a true friend by now, he probably never will. And it's not surprising you're getting mixed signals...once you've had an intimate relationship with someone, it's hard to switch to "just friends". It can be done, but it's hard to achieve. It could be that a total break will be like a reset button, only time will tell.

[Crna2004]

Thank you for listening Kayc. I just needed to vent. I don't share any of my feelings with anyone. Just being able to write it all out is good for me right now. I wanted to make sure that what I'm feeling now (after a year) is okay. I still love and will always love him.. Which is why it saddens me about my decision. I know I'll be okay. It's just going to take some time.

[kayc]

What you are feeling is okay.

[Crna2004]

Hello all,

It's been about 3 weeks since I've posted on this forum. I want to seek your advice about a quick text conversation that I had with my ex BF/ friend. He had sent this to me about an hour ago (out of the blue). I responded to his text but I need advice (if it was the right thing to say). I also need advice with how to talk to him without forcing him to do anything. I've attached the email below:

MB:

I don't think I've ever explained to you how I feel since things happened. Since you're my friend I think you deserve explanation. I feel alone in a room full of crowded people. Like there's an itch I can't scratch. Like I'm stuck in the mud. Like I have no direction, like some days I just don't give a s***. I tinker around the house quite a bit because I feel like something needs fixing. Maybe it's me, but I don't know how to do that. There, that's the best I can do right now.

Me (my response):

I truly appreciate you sharing that with me. I worry about you and think about you daily. I don't contact daily anymore because I know that I can't do anything for you except be there if you ask me. I remained your friend for that one purpose. I can't imagine how that must feel. I do think that maybe it's time for you to talk to somebody (professional counseling). Once you're able to share those feelings with a person who won't judge you or have any expectations from you will you start to learn to live again (a new normal). It is exactly why you work all the time, always finding something to fix, choosing to be alone, etc. at least that's what I think. But it doesn't matter what I say. It's about you not feeling like you're always alone.

Any advice in what to do or say next is appreciated!! I just appreciate that he decided to share his feelings with me. MB is very private, pragmatic, deal with problems on his own. He needs help. Thanks in advance, guys.