Valentine's Day

[JeL]

Valentine's Day is a trigger of sadness for me....another first. My husband died 5 months ago. I read this site almost daily and I'm learning from your wisdom, thank you. You all help me even though I'm often a silent partner.

I knew Valentine's Day would be tough so I made a plan. I rented a wilderness cabin with 5 girl friends and we'll ski and snowshoe for the next 3 days, share meals, stories, tears. I'll welcome sitting by the river quietly then rejoin the fun when I'm ready. Feels like a good compromise between the 2 worlds I'm living in these days, "normal" and grief.

I'd like to learn how others who've lost a spouse spend their Valentine's Day.

Our last few years' Valentine's Day: nice dinner at home, tried a new gourmet recipe together, quality bottle of wine, flowers for me...how I miss the flowers this year! Oh, yeah, the sex was delicious dessert. How I miss that, too.

Hope to read some rejuvenating replies in a few days when I'm back online. Take good care. joey.

[mfh]

Dear joey, your plan with the cabin, snowshoes and girlfriends is wonderful. I think whatever ideas people share here might be applicable to most holidays so your request is great.

I have a friend whose birthday is today and in my circle of women friends we all meet for lunch at the General Store in the village and sit around a huge round table sharing small gifts (dark chocolate bars, a tube of watercolor paint, silly stuff, whatever) and Karin, the owner, brings the celebrant a cupcake and candle. And because most of us don't do sugar very often, we actually have become experts at cutting a cupcake into as many pieces as there are participants. Those of us in the circle who have lost our spouses are grateful that this gal's birthday falls on Valentine's Day as it refocuses us to the circle of women we count on for support. There is nothing as powerful as a circle.

I hope your three days in the woods was healing for you and for your friends. You are blessed and I know that 5 months after your loss, you had to feel that your pain was wrapped in love today.

[MartyT]

Grief Rituals Can Help on Valentine's Day

Part of my mourning is not “hanging out" with memories of the last years of mother’s life as dementia wreaked havoc. I am not ignoring the memories. I am not afraid to go there. I just don’t stay long if I am summoned by a particular painful memory. ~ Harold Ivan Smith, in Grieving the Death of a Mother

We’ve barely made it through the holidays of December and January, and now the stores are filled with hearts and flowers and candy, all of it in celebration of the gift of love. But February 14 can be a difficult day for those of us who are grieving, and for some it will be the first Valentine’s Day since our precious Valentine died. For us there is no celebration; there is only grief. [Read on ...]

[kayc]

Your plan sounds great! I'm going to our church's valentine dinner, they usually have a guest speaker, but it's a little hard to sit through because George and I used to go together. I thought about just staying home and trying to ignore it all...

[enna]

I'm hosting a lunch with a few friends. I posted it on the thread "Talking Heals." There will be plenty of time to remember my Jim and Benji later.

I am giving myself a few hours of respite.

Anne

[nats]

I am celebrating Ruth's Life as she passed on this day...

Remembering all the Valentines Days from past.

NATS

[mfh]

Marty, I was hoping you would post this sensitive piece today. So important. I got an email from someone today who clearly did not understand how difficult this day is for folks (me). So I gently and lovingly and vulnerably responded and explained without mentioning her message. Though I did not get or expect an apology, she responded and acknowledged the day and the pain. I guess that is called educating people lovingly. I HAVE learned how to do that these years. Your quote (above and here)

Part of my mourning is not “hanging out" with memories of the last years of mother’s life as dementia wreaked havoc. I am not ignoring the memories. I am not afraid to go there. I just don’t stay long if I am summoned by a particular painful memory. ~ Harold Ivan Smith, in Grieving the Death of a Mother

... is so very important. Going into memories that trip off pain and shedding tears is healing but moving in and setting up housekeeping is another story. Like all in life, it is balance. WE are in charge of our minds and we can choose to visit a memory or go with a grief trigger and feel the pain (which I believe is important and healing) but we can also choose to take our minds and actions elsewhere after a bit of time...and that length of time is unique to the person and situation. I also believe early on this is much more difficult (but still possible) at least it was for me, as pain sort of wraps itself around us and through us but with work and time and awareness, we can slowly move to a place where we have more control. I know you know all this but had to share it for others who might not.

[MartyT]

♥

[boogieman]

This being my first Valentines alone I have no plans but to miss My Dear Paula.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Every year on Valentine's Day I wrote a poem for Jane. I still do. I'll post the one I wrote for her here later--I'm on the wrong computer to do that now.

I take copy of that poem and a card to her grave and leave them there with the flowers. This year, I went with silk flowers as it is too cold for the carnations she liked so much. I read the poem and the card aloud while I am there. Usually, I spend half an hour there, but the cold wind drove me off the hilltop pretty quickly this year.

I avoid restaurants or other places lovers congregate on Valentine's Day. I don't want to deal with the stress of it.

Everything will be under a foot of snow here by morning. I can't wait for spring.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Dear Harry, I just know that Jane would be so proud of you and happy at all you do. I too write a poem for Bill on V-Day but the cemetery where he is buried is on the top of a country hill overlooking the meadows and woods of our area and the road up to it is not paved and is not plowed in winter so I do not get up there until my birthday which occurred the day after I buried his body.

My fitness goal remains being able to snowshoe up that hill by 2015 (December).

You are an inspiration!!

Mary

[HAP]

Dear Mary,

Given the weather, I may soon be snowshoeing everywhere. I find being able to visit her grave helps me anchor my grief so that I can be more focussed on what I am doing here, if that makes any sense.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Total sense, Harry. I get it. I always feel badly that I can't get up to Bill's grave for half the year. I never thought of that when I chose it but it is an awesome site and it is where I will end up also, of course. Stone is already in place with my name on it. It is a source of focus and helps me also to visit.

[kayc]

I'm glad George's cremated remains are in my back yard, makes it easy to visit...the down side will be someday when I have to move, but I have access through a neighboring yard to at least view the spot, even if I can't walk on it (when someone else owns it). My neighbors camp on their property about once a year, and there's a trail from their yard to mine as we were friends with the family patriarch.

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Here is the poem I wrote for Jane for Valentine's day this year.

Peace,

Harry

For Jane, on Valentine’s Day 2014

Winter comes—

And I shovel.

The drifts grow

And shrink like time.

A cat drinks

The melt-water—

Sings loudly

By the closed door

But flees warmth.

Spring arrives—

I clean, I prune,

I plant seeds—

The groundhog eats

More than I—

While the earth sinks—

Flees itself

And still-born dreams

Lost in death.

Summer comes—

I weed, I sweat—

Building beds

And outdoor rooms—

Feed hummers

That look for rest.

The lawn waits

For a sharp blade

To kill loss.

Fall arrives—

The night grows frost

That slays all—

Leaf, branch, and root—

But leaves me

And leaves my love

Still beating

As I stand here—

At your grave.

All my love, always and all ways

Hubby the Baboo(n)

[mfh]

Lovely, Harry. Seasons of love...ever present all ways and always.

Mary

[kayc]

I love your poem, Harry, particularly the last verse.

[enna]

I too like your poem, Harry. Perfect 'seasons' remembering. Anne

[Emunah]

Joey,

I Hope you had a good time with your friends in nature. I spent the day similarly, I went on a hike with three girl friends. It was a beautiful snowy trek including pines and open fields. There is nothing like good conversation and fresh air to bring a little restoration to the soul. Upon arriving home another girl friend and I enjoyed some indian cuisine. Proceeded by lounging on a plush carpet, watching Bill Cosby comedy reruns, while laughing and crying.

I think it was brave of you to try and anticipate what your needs would be on Valentines day and plan a way to meet those needs in a healthy way. It doesn't make it any less painful or difficult, but I find that it makes it bearable.

Peace,

Emunah

[JeL]

Thanks all, for the replies about how you spent your Valentine's Day. It feels daunting that this powerful trigger remains so strong in many whose partner died years ago.

My holiday weekend cabin stay was soothing, healthy, social in a calm way; the distraction from the intensity of my first Valentine's Day after my husband died worked decently for 2 days. Upon returning home Monday, emotion overpowered me... I sat like a zombie, crying, feeling washed out. It's been a low 2 days. I'm struggling to force the healthy habits this week: good diet, regular exercise (tho' I skipped today), trying to sleep. I want to feel the pendulum swinging back towards balance just a bit. This week it's really one day/hour at a time.

Marty, your references are so helpful - thank you.

Harry, you have a poetic gift. Thanks for letting us read your poem.

joey

[kayc]

You're so right, it was a distraction but it was good while it lasted. Chris has experienced this also, enjoying family times while they last, only to have it hit all the harder once they leave. It's normal to feel that way, we've all been there.

You are right to force the healthy habits, they say, "fake it until you make it".

You're right also to do the one day/hour at a time, sometimes one minute. We can't handle much else!

[HAP]

Sometimes, Joey, it's one second at a time.

Peace,

Harry

[JeL]

I started this topic about a year ago. The emotion of Valentine's Day is once again haunting me. I got thru the Christmas holidays just fine but the ramp up to Valentine's Day is a grief trigger for me.

I go to work each day, I take a walk on my lunch break as weather allows here in Alaska; I come home to an empty house, empty heart, empty bed.

The friends who used feel like friends now "check in" every 8-12 weeks or less often. I'm trying to establish a new social network...I've registered for some classes this spring....it's not easy to be social but I'm trying. I feel lonely, left over, unimportant to friends who I thought cared for me.

At the same time, I'm buoyed by my resilience. I know my grief is lightening these past 17 months. but Damn...this is hard work.

What are you doing for Valentine's Day?

[shalady]

This will be my first Valentine's Day. My husband passed in September. I talk to him every day so I will tell him how much I love and miss him. It will be a quiet day at home.

You are right, this is hard work. I know how hard it is. I have much of the same feelings you express. I hope you are able to get through all the emotions on the 14th. I wish you peace and comfort.

Shalady

[kayc]

In the section Living With Loss there is a thread called Changes I'm Making and in it Anne shared a link to a special article about Valentine's Day that I think you'd find of interest, plus some of the recent posts in that thread.