Funnies: Things That Make Us Laugh

[kayc]

Reminds me of Skye, we caught him in some funny positions!

[enna]

It made me smile...

 

[MartyT]

It's Meeeeeeeeeeeeee!!! 

[MartyT]

[mittam99]

A boy asks his father to explain the differences between irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "There's no one named Alf here." The person hangs up.

"That's irritation," says Dad.

----

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time.

"No -- there's no one here named Alf. You have the wrong number. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation.

"That's aggravation."

---

"Then what's frustration?" asks his son.

The father then picks up the phone and dials a third time:

"Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?"

 

[kayc]

I love it!

[mittam99]

[enna]

Here's a funny one!

Man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.
"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"
He slams the door and returns to bed.
"Who was that?" asked his wife.
"Just some drunk guy asking for a push," he answers....
"Did you help him?" she asks.
"No, I did not, it's 3 am in the morning and it's bloomin' well pouring with rain out there!"
"Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him, and you should be ashamed of yourself! God loves drunk people too you know."
The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain.
He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?"
"Yes," comes back the answer.
"Do you still need a push?" calls out the husband.
"Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
"Where are you?" asks the husband.
"Over here on the swing," replied the drunk. HEHE

Anonymous

Don't know who the original joke belongs to ~ not me. 

The picture is mine from the Internet.

 

 

 

[mittam99]

I actually laughed out loud reading this...

 

A man goes to join an order of monks.

The head Monk says to the man, "This is a silent order. You will only be allowed to speak once, every 15 years."

The man says "Okay" and so begins his time with the silent order.

15 years pass and the man is sitting in the refectory when the head monk approaches and says to the man, "It has been fifteen years. What would you like to say brother?"

The man responds, "The porridge could do with a little more sugar."

The head monk nods in acknowledgement and walks away.

Another 15 years pass and the head monk finds the man in the dormitory and says, "Brother, it has been another 15 years. What is it that you wish to say?"

"The bed sheets are a bit thin." Replies the man. Again the head monk nods in acknowledgement.

Yet another 15 years pass and the head monk sees the man and asks, "15 years have passed. Have you anything to say?"

"Well actually I've been thinking about it and I'm leaving the order. It's not really for me," says the man.

"Yes, yes," sighs the head monk. "I think that's for the best. You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

 

[MartyT]

[enna]

The reward...

 

[enna]

This has been a tough week for many of us, but tomorrow is a new day.

 

[enna]

[kayc]

Haha, a pretty big one!

[mittam99]

enna, I don't think that's actually a hummingbird. I have the feeling it might have recently swallowed one though.

[kayc]

Hence, the smile!

[MartyT]

I hope you all enjoyed the other photograph that Anne posted above (not the hummingbird ~ I mean the one of me in the bathtub). As the caption says, it was a very rough week. (Thank you, Anne, for sharing that one. Perfect.) 

[mittam99]

"Don't Mess With Seniors"

Two seniors went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘Senior Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99.

"Sounds good," said one woman, "but I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay more for not taking the eggs?" the woman asked incredulously.

"Yes," said the waitress.

"I'll take the special, then," replied the woman.

"How do you want your eggs?" the waitress asked.

"Raw and in the shell," the woman replied.

She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.

Don't mess with Seniors!

 

[enna]

I laughed reading this one, Mitch. Thanks. Hope the cake was chocolate.  

[enna]

[enna]

[enna]

I try to find something funny every day.

 

[mittam99]

English can be a tough language for those who don't speak it natively. Here are some actual signs found throughout the world where the translation to English didn't quite work out...

An Italian hotel brochure:

This hotel is renowned for its peace and solitude. In fact, crowds from all over the world flock here to enjoy its solitude.

Sign at a French swimming pool:

Swimming is forbidden in absence of the Saviour.



On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:

Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

Outside a Hong Kong tailor shop:

Ladies may have a fit upstairs.



Outside a Paris dress shop:

Dresses for street walking.



In a Rhodes tailor shop:

Order your summers suit.  Because is big rush we will execute customers in strict rotation.



In a Japanese hotel:

You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:

The lift is being fixed for the next day. During the time we regret that you will be unbearable.

French hotel:

A sports jacket may be worn to dinner, but no trousers.

Sign in hotel lift In China:
Please bump your head carefully.

Shanghai metro from the public security bureau:
"If you are stolen, call the police at once."

In a Zurich hotel:
Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this purpose.



In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:
Teeth extracted by the latest Methodists.



In a Rome laundry:

Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon having a good time.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:
We take your bags and send them in all directions.



In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:

Ladies are requested not to have children in the bar.



In a Budapest zoo:
Please do not feed the animals. If you have any suitable food, give it to the guard on duty.



In the office of a Roman doctor:

Specialist in women and other diseases.

In a Tokyo shop:
Our nylons cost more than common, but you'll find they are best in the long run.



Bangkok Dry Cleaners:
Drop your trousers here for best results.

 

Those places need better translators!

 

[mittam99]

Noah in the 21st Century

If Noah had lived in the United States today the story may have gone something like this:

And the Lord spoke to Noah and said, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover the whole earth with water until all flesh is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on earth. Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark." In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark. In fear and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build the ark. "Remember," said the Lord, "you must complete the Ark and bring everything aboard in one year."

Exactly one year later, fierce storm clouds covered the earth and all the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw that Noah was sitting in his front yard weeping. "Noah!" He shouted. "Where is the Ark?"

"Lord, please forgive me," cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were big problems.

First, I had to get a permit for construction, and your plans did not meet the building codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and redraw the plans. Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a sprinkler system and approved floatation devices. Then, my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission.

Then, I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark, because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I really needed the wood to save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me take the 2 owls.

The carpenters formed a union and went on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Relations Board before anyone would pick up a saw or hammer. Now, I have 16 carpenters on the Ark, but still no owls.

When I started rounding up the other animals, an animal rights group sued me. They objected to me taking only two of each kind aboard. This suit is pending.

Meanwhile, the EPA notified me that I could not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the Universe.

Then, the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed flood plain. I sent them a globe.

Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking atheists aboard.

The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to register the Ark as a 'recreational water craft'.

And finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, it's a religious event, and, therefore unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another five or six years."

Noah waited. The sky began to clear, the sun began to shine, and the seas began to calm. A rainbow arched across the sky.

Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean you're not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"

"No," He said sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."

[enna]

Oh, my goodness! I'd think twice about going fishing.