Broken

[HAP]

I'm broken.

There. I've said it.

I haven't been right for a month or more. I feel like I am walking up hill through frozen molasses.

My brain is frozen. My soul is frozen. And part of me will be just as happy if they never thaw out.

I spent yesterday in bed. I was not sick. I was not tired. I just didn't have the desire to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there staring at the ceiling--thinking about what might have been--trying to imagine a retirement with Jane in it--trying to imagine a life in which I had made different choices--a world in which I could have saved her life from that damned cancer--where I went into medicine instead of teaching--where wars did not take precedence over everything and funding would not have been a problem. Jane said to me I had made her life better. But I could not stop her death, could not take away her pain--and God knows, I tried.

I spent the day thinking about all my dead cancer patients--all the people I have lost: two kids before I graduated from high school, George--my neighbor who fought the pain of his lung cancer by gouging quarter inch deep scratches in the maple arms of his chair--my two best friends' fathers, the woman across the street from us, George's wife, my research partner in graduate school, a favorite uncle, my neighbor across the street, multiple people I went to high school with, people I taught with... David, Ashley, Katherine--and always, Jane.

I spent the day thinking about all the people I am likely to lose--the daughter of a former student who is fighting leukemia--my neighbors with bladder and kidney cancer, Jane's cousin--who has cancer everywhere--a high school friend fighting leukemia--and a grad school friend who waits for hers to come back--my friend Pam, who has the same cancer Jane had...

A friend once warned me not to get involved with someone because once I picked up their hand I would not be able to put it down without hurting them. The truth is, once I pick up a hand I never put it down until that hand is cold and dead. People can walk away from me--for decades--do it in the cruelest way possible--and it doesn't matter. They reach out, they call--and my hand is still there.

And I have taken up so many hands: old hands, young hands, adult hands and child hands, healthy hands and sick hands. To quote Tennyson's Ulysses, "I have been a part of all that I have met." I have been part of their lives, as they have been a part of mine. i have rejoiced in their success and joy, wept at their failures and their pain. And I have been a part of each and every death--felt each of them as though they were a member of my family, because, of course they were--and are.

How did I come to this? Why do I care for so many when so many do not care for anyone--or any thing--at all? Why do I bother with any of it? Why do I feel so guilty about missing a meeting or not doing this piece of reading or that bit of research or writing this article or that response? Why can't I just sit here in my chair and do nothing, think nothing, feel nothing? What monster sent me into the world this way? What monster keeps me here when all I want to do is go home?

Why do I have this addictive personality issue that prevents me from even thinking about drugs, prescription or otherwise--that prevents me from even getting drunk--because I know so well what is down that particular rabbit hole?

I'm tired. I have work to do. People have expectations of me. I have expectations of me. And there are never enough workers in this vineyard--never enough workers in this vineyard.

I'm broken.

I don't want to be fixed.

I want to stay broken--non-functional.

I want to scream, "Screw it all" at the top of my lungs and make it stick.

But I won't.

I have a tool kit around here somewhere--and some bailing wire and sealing wax. It may take me some time to work out how to take these odd broken pieces and put them back together into something workable--but I'll figure it out.

It's what I do.

It's who I am.

Peace,

Harry

[marsha]

Harry - it's what you do, yes, and it's what you are, yes again. But there comes a point when you have to back down, for a bit, or longer. I think I reached that point late in year three, when I was depleted emotionally. I just had no reserves in the gas tank. It changed, but it took time. I just needed to back off everything, and concentrate on being ok, emotionally and physically. I think maybe you're at this point. It doesn't mean you won't pick up the flag again, it's just - sometimes it's time to coast. Sometimes it's necessary. Hugs, Marsha

[mfh]

Dear Harry,

I am so very sorry you are feeling so broken. Dreams lost, people lost, and you have walked tough journeys with so many people, raised thousands of dollars, as you also grieve the loss of Jane.

I spent a lot of years teaching stress management workshops for corporate groups, groups of therapists, individual clients and others. I just must say to you that it seems that in addition to dealing with the deep pain of your loss of Jane, what you describe above surely sounds like burn-out combined with compassion fatigue...a mix of those.

I have watched you push yourself so very hard as you also grieve. I hope you will look hard at this and create a healing program that would start with backing off some from all you are doing. You say people have expectations of you and because of who you are people will always have expectations of you. Sometimes I feel like I wear a sign on my forehead that says, "I will help". But none of those people are going to take care of you and monitor your well being. Only you can do that now. I cannot really recall in the 3 years that I have known you, a time when you were not out there working extremely hard or helping someone. I believe Jane died 8 months after Bill died so I know you and i have been here for around 3 years together.

I do understand "who you are" and your need and desire to help and to find a cure....but...I urge you to look hard at what you need for your own healing besides all you have been doing. I am happy to provide you with some articles and ideas about burn out and compassion fatigue if you like. I have added a couple links that I like. I do not want to be pushy but I worry about how hard you have pushed and continue to push yourself. It seems like your body and mind and emotions and soul are telling you (screaming at you) to just stop, evaluate perhaps with some objective person trained to help you evaluate and then come up with a plan to heal...some changes in the way you are living perhaps.

Here are a couple of links on burn out and compassion fatigue. Why not see if you see yourself here? I have more but do not want to overwhelm you. Just get the idea of these...I re-read them and they seem to fit.

Compassion Fatigue http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/somatic-psychology/201207/compassion-fatigue

Burn out (ignore that it focuses on women)

http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/high-octane-women/201311/the-tell-tale-signs-burnout-do-you-have-them

We all care very deeply about you and admire you and I am so grateful you shared your pain with us. I reach out to you and am here to support you.

Peace, Mary

[enna]

My dear Harry, probably one of the most open pieces on sharing that I have heard. Thank you for your openness shared here. You have had my hand for a little over 20 months now and I have gained a quiet strength from all you have offered.

From the first time I read your posts on the “Positive” thread I knew that this was going to be a place that I could gain the strength to heal. I too have spent those days in bed not wanting to move, not seeing a reason to move. Our grief does that to us. This I am learning the hard way. One thing I am learning about grief is that the more we face it head on the quicker we begin the healing process.

We need days of quiet contemplation to look at ourselves to see the changes that are taking place. We are changed. We are different. Those of us who have suffered loss know that.

I am so glad that you are looking at YOU and taking the time to see who you are becoming. A beautiful soul made of empathy, deep concern, warmth, and a genuine love for other human beings. Yes, you have “been a part of all that you have met” as Tennyson said in his Ulysses. But remember, you have also had a dream and that dream of giving all you have to NET research will be with you for as long as you breathe. Your love for Jane will demand that.

You are who you are and that is just the way it is. You will do what you know you are being lead to do – in your own time. Take that time and be okay with it. We are here with you. Take up those broken pieces and do with them what you must. Only you know when it is time to get off your butt and continue what you do best.

Anne

[HAP]

Dear Marsha and Mary,

First, Marsha, you may be right. I am early in year four, but thinking back to late November, I did seem to be low on energy at that point--and the trip out West did not rebuild things as much as it might have because I got sick when I got back. That my friend Katherine was clearly in her last weeks--and getting very little help in Northern Virginia--clearly did not help.

Mary, I looked at these two pieces--and a couple others. Burn out was something we did lots of training on when I was teaching, but I had never heard of compassion fatigue before and the idea intrigued me. I found a self assessment on it online, since I did see some of what I am feeling in that article in particular. Unfortunately, my scores there don't seem to indicate the level of emotion I have felt the last few days. Some of the somatic burn out symptoms are there, but again, not at a level to explain the last two days.

I think, though, that you are both right about my needing to step back a bit. I have a commitment Saturday at a health fair, so I will have to do some prep work for that tomorrow. But I think I will try to take all of next week off--maybe even go away somewhere for a couple of days. And a band I like is playing Saturday night and, depending on how beat I am after the health fair, I may go listen to them for a bit. I have already cut back on a number of things--feeling guilty about that isn't helping much--since January, but I may need to think about what else can get side-tracked a bit as well.

After some meditation and some thinking, I think Katherine's death about a month ago probably plays into this as well. I've mentioned that a couple of times elsewhere here. Frankly, her death has hit me pretty hard--certainly much harder than I expected. As is the case with Jane, my inability to do more than ease her suffering has left me feeling impotent and incompetent. Intellectually, I think that is stupid, but emotionally, I understand it. It is simple to recite, "Cure the sick, heal the wound, but let the dying go;" it is, however much more difficult to do. And it goes back, as well, to the way my life is lived: I pick up a hand and I don't put it down until life ends--but there is an emotional cost to that ethic that I don't think about very much. Something needs doing: if I stopped to count the cost--but I don't. Katherine worried, correctly as it turns out, that my reaching out to her would reopen old wounds when she died. I assured her it would not, but knew that statement was a lie. I could not let her go through those months alone--even knowing what it might do to me in the end.

But you're right, Mary: I do need to take care of me and what I need. For me, all that work on the disease and with other people has been part of the grief work. But there are times when I need to be by myself; there are times I need to be out with other people in an environment where I am not thinking about anything more than whether I like a particular piece of music. I need to be more conscious of making sure those things happen more regularly. I resolved back in October that I was going to work an eight hour day and a five day week on the cancer projects--and I have largely stuck to that pledge. But I need to work more on not thinking about that work outside those hours--a thing that is really hard to do after a career in teaching that demanded thinking about teaching even when we were not in the classroom. Nature of that particular beast, I'm afraid.

I feel a bit better than I did when I wrote the original post. A good cry--which I had while I was writing it--always helps. Thank you both for your kind words and thoughts.

Peace,

Harry

[HAP]

Dear Anne,

Thank you for your kind words. You've gone and made me cry again.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Harry, you are a very special person, that is who you are. You consider your personality addictive, I consider it caring...all too rare in this world.

[Wifflesnook]

Harry, all your words spoke to me, but what made me really concerned was when you said you had resolved in October to work and eight hour day five days a week on cancer projects. No wonder if you are exhausted physically and more importantly emotionally. It's too much. If you were still teaching you would get so much positive feed-back. Working on something like cancer must pull you down down down, even though you are doing so much good. I don't really know what would help. Heaven knows my own situation means that most of the time I can't see any point in a world which doesn't contain my Pete, even though I have to keep going for my family. I think we are all trying to find a meaning to carry on and yours is so worth while, to help improve research, knowledge and support for cancer sufferers. But you know it's taking its toll. I'm sounding presumptuous here. I don't mean to. You give so much, including on this grief forum, where you have helped me tremendously. I hope you can find activities which are not cancer related which will give you some enjoyment. If that is possible. I don't seek happiness any more. But some moments of lightness do come my way sometimes. I wish some for you.

[mfh]

Dear Harry, I do understand how a friend's death can open the wounds and feelings as Catherine's death has done. We are so vulnerable. I also understand jobs like teaching where even when we are not on the job or preparing for it, we are thinking about it. And thinking is working as we both know. I am glad that you are planning to put more fun things with others in your life and of other needs you have. Your dedication to your work with NET cancer is truly to be admired as is your passion to help those in pain and to be with those who are dying. You are an amazing person.

Peace,

Mary

[Queeniemary]

Harry, I hate to see you feeling this way, but so glad that you are sharing this with us. You may feel broken, but to me you are just in need of some "time off". You work so hard, and although you do some things for yourself, you do more for others, the advice to "step back" for a bit is good, and I hope you will be able to do it. You have such a commitment and drive that I am not sure how much "Stepping back" you will be able to do, but I hope you will be able to do some. Your post expressed many feelings that we all have at times. Sending warm thoughts to you and hugs.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

Harry, my dear, there is precious little I can add to what has been said already ~ I just hope and pray you will take all these wise words to heart. I think you know how deeply we care for you, and your health and well being is very, very important to all of us. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Harry,

Your body, your psyche, and your heart are all sending you the same message, I think:

"Harry, our own dear heart, slow down. Take many deep breaths. See if you need to do some EFT for grief, anger, burn-out, overwhelm, and to rediscover your compassion for yourself. Find a counselor for a few sessions so you can allow someone to help to take care of you for a bit. Lean on others. They will all understand and hold you in compassion and hope for more joyful days ahead.

"In the midst of being a warrior for Jane, in the throes of dealing with your dysfunctional bio-kin, in the days of losing another person who held some of your life pieces, sit down and hug yourself. Put your hands over your heart and send your heart love and compassion. Go into the center of your heart, and make an agreement to slow down, cruise, and come to a stop or pause as much as is possible for at least two or three months. You will know when you are sorted out and glued back together enough to rise and join the game again. Go back to grief counseling, perhaps, for a while. Find a healer and move from warrior into healing mode for a while. You will come back all the stronger for it.

"You are benched. Your entire team and tribe are cheering for your full recovery, but they can all see that you need to stop, put down the standard you have been carrying, and rest, heal, and take time to re-center yourself. There will be more goals to meet when you are recovered. There will be more standards to carry when you are healed. There will be more days to celebrate when you are stronger. Go rest."

At least, from here, that I what I am hearing them saying. They and the faeries.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[HAP]

Dear friends,

Thank you. I have begun to tell people that I am vanishing for a week starting tomorrow night. We'll see if I need more than that. I won't know for certain until i get under the hood and poke about a bit. I will take what I need, in the end.

My plan is that I have no concrete plan other than to put cancer and all the other projects I am at work on on the shelf: "Let the world turn without me" for a bit. I think I may spend at least a couple of days in deep meditation--or at least try to get there. Jane and I both lived in meditative states most of the time. The end of her life shattered mine. I have been slowly getting back there, but part of what is missing for me is that clarity of mind and living in the moment that I had grown so used to. Part of my frustration is that I seem only partly living too much of the time. I know I can't rush the process--it took two decades to get there to begin with--but I will get back there eventually. I'd just like it to happen more quickly. Just call me the farmer who pulled all of his crops out of the ground by pulling on them to get them to grow faster. That will be the start of poking around under the hood.

I may go find a counselor--that's a good thought Fae. My experience there has been decidedly mixed in the past, however. I may go for a long drive--though the weather that is coming in makes that unlikely. I'd like to go for a long walk in the mountains in NH or Vermont--but, again, the weather seems to have vetoed that idea. Maybe come summer.

That is one thing I have decided: I need to take at least a week every two or three months and just walk away from things for a bit. I need to put my mind in neutral periodically, I think. Part of my problem is being too long in contact with cancer and death. I realized earlier that I have not really had a non-stressful moment since Jane came down with the H1N1 in late October of 2009--that's more than four years of worry and grief. No wonder I feel like I am losing my mind sometimes.

Jan, I know a forty hour week sounds like a lot, but after teaching for 34 years, it feels like heaven. To not start my day until nine in the morning and be done by five in the evening--to be able to sit down after dinner and read a book, or write a letter, or watch TV or a movie or even--shudder--go out on a week night--and to have the entire weekend to play--all of it guilt-free--is an indescribable pleasure whose only bad point is that Jane is not here to share it with me. That is a huge hole, don't get me wrong--and I would go back to teaching full-time if I could have Jane back. I also give myself an hour for lunch every day, so I'm actually only working 35 hours. Talk about feeling decadent after all those years of rushing through so many meals to get back to work. Woof.

Mostly, though, I want to do nothing my soul does not need me to do. I want to rest and recharge and think about nothing more complicated than what to have for lunch.

Peace,

Harry

[kayc]

Good,I hope this is a time of renewal and refreshing for you!

[Queeniemary]

Harry, sounds like an excellent plan....go forward with it!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Dear Harry,

One of the exercises of Belleruth's CD on trauma recovery is about walking alone and silently through nature, avoiding all social contact so that one can simply absorb the energy and not be putting out any of the precious energy of which we have so little.

If you cannot get out to walk, as is often the case here in Montana, especially on really cold days, I have found that a CD of nature sounds playing and doing slow, gentle yoga or floor exercises really helps me to move energy through my body. Going to the gym or being around people is more draining when I am feeling the need to retreat, so I walk in my forest when I can, but on cold weather days I roll out the mat and do floor work while I listen to very soothing nature sounds.

And taking off a week—or two or three—every quarter sounds as though it might be a very necessary and wise break from a busy life. It has been a month and a week since the office was officially closed, and habit still brings me to my desk most days, but I am slowing down. I am becoming better at not responding immediately to every telephone call or piece of mail. I am learning to sit in peace.

Turning inward and asking the question, "What do I need right now, in the core of my being, to allow and encourage healing and restoration of my being?" is a question that I think deserves to be written down and answered in some detail, and with a plan. My new Doc is making me do this, and although the question sometimes shifts to such simple ones as. "How do I heal the pain enough today to be at peace for a while?" or "How do I healthily release this anger this minute?," I am finding that going within and asking those questions about the pain and confusion is really helping me to find ways to alleviate the turmoil and exhaustion of fighting the pain and anger. Instead, I am using newly-learned tools to release the anger. If I need to come back and "fix" some things, I can make a list for next year.

Compassion burn-out, emotional exhaustion, and physical distress such as flu and colds—not to mention pneumonia!—are pretty clear signals from our body. Mary has addressed this very well, I think. I am trying to be a good student of her wisdom. I am so stubborn that I kept going until it landed me in the hospital a couple of times with a very distressed Vagus nerve and its resultant problems.

I am glad you are stopping now. I hope you can find a good healer there. If not, I could ask my Doc here, and he may know people in your area. He is going out to Boston soon to teach for a week soon. I don't know how close you are to that area, but he may know some good healers close by.

Harry, I think the day comes when we must realize that we cannot heal the world, although maybe we can help a few people to heal in some wonderful ways. But I think when we begin to weaken and lose health, it is then that our most intimate companion, our body, begins sending us clear messages to heal our lives and cleanse our emotional system— by jettisoning all the heaviness we must not try to carry any longer, else we will collapse from its weight.

Doug left letters and notes for me to send to his criminal family. But he tried for most of his adult life to help them and straighten them out, and set up a trust to take care of them after he realized that he could not change them. Just today, I have made a decision that for my own mental and emotional health, I am not going to send the letters or notes to them. It will not change them. I am not as good as Doug at communicating, and he failed to help them even after years of helping and counseling them. They still robbed him as he was dying. If I tried, they might respond with more viciousness, and I would be thrown back into a state of terror. So, although it still makes me very angry, I must, for my own health, let it go. I am the only one who can let go of this anger and his need to fix them. I have helped to fix a lot in my life, and there are people voting and living free because of my work. But it is time for me to heal and rest, to cherish my own spirit and life, and make it as whole as I am able. I think you have arrived there as well.

Harry, we must stop and heal now. It may take you longer than you now think, once you turn to healing yourself. If it takes a year, that is okay. We must find a way to hand the mission over to someone else, and turn to ourselves, and heal ourselves, before we can do more to heal the world. I had no idea how weak and ill I was until I let myself release enough of the energy of anger to allow the lost and broken me to be able to speak from the depths of my own sorrow. Now I think I will heal, but I know it is going to take some time. I am deeply thankful for this Fire Marty and Mary keep for us, because I have found so many healing tools here, and you might find some of Belleruth's guided meditations helpful as well.

I am glad that you are taking the time. I hope you find a good healer. Please give yourself all the time you need to heal your heart and to find more peace within yourself.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

fae, I am relieved again to hear you say that you will not mail those letters. At a time when you are starting to get on top of that whole scene, the last thing you need to do is open it up. I know Doug left them for you to mail but he is not the one dealing with loss as well as trauma and I KNOW he would support your decision because we both know YOU mattered the most...so I congratulate you. It might be wise to burn them...in a ritual. I have frequently sat with clients in my office (much to the chagrin of the owner of our office building in Madison) and burned papers of various kinds with them. My office had a 2nd floor outside deck with a solid wooden wall for privacy... so we did go outside....used a coffee can. And then we collected the ashes and fertilized a tree or plant with them turning, symbolically, that which we let go of into new growth....new direction....letting go.

I pray you continue to take rest...your body is still screaming at you. At the four year mark in a few weeks, I still deal with exhaustion. from the caregiving days and these many months of grieving..my endurance is still not what it needs to be so I rest a LOT...I can do more but then I get tired....so I say no to invitations a LOT....no projects. I did that with having the painters in...that was it. My entire lifestyle is focused on healing. I have learned to say no to even the smallest things sometimes. I am glad you are asking yourself what YOU need because no one else will do that now. Bill is not here to gently put his hand on my arm or shoulders and softly remind me to slow down. I have to love me the way I loved him. You must do the same....it takes as long as it takes.

Peace to your heart and health to your body

Mary

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I am doing my best. It is a big shift in habituated attitudes, as you know. We become totally inured to managing for two, taking care of the needs of our Beloved, the doctor visits, all that. Our identity becomes that of caregiver. Period. I am thankful I had it to give, and that I made it through alive and with enough energy to go on.

I am slowly making the shift to giving myself that same level of care, and still often catch myself feeling that I must "be up and doing" or things will fall apart. Of course, they have fallen apart two years ago, and now I need to find all the ways I can to put me back together. Loving me the way I loved Doug is a perfect goal: I loved him entirely and unconditionally. I am only slowly learning to love me the same way through all the grief and loss and trauma. But I know it is going to work.

I am beginning to understand what you mean when you say your entire life is focused on healing: it is a goal to move from one role in life to the new role of intentional and sincere self care. I want to be healthy again. I am trying to be in healing right now, and it feels as though I am in the hangar, having a complete overhaul, plus all the parts cleaned and polished bright again. One small bit at a time. I am beginning to realize this could take many years. And that is all right. At least we are healing. And we will fly again when the day comes. And Harry, so will you. *<twinkles>*

And Bill and Jane and Doug will be cheering us on with their warm and loving spirits.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

YES, fae. There is truly no rush and I have come to understand that allowing myself to just be where I am results in my feeling better. I truly try to make all decisions in light of whether it will help me to heal or not. At first I was far from doing that....believe me. Ask anyone who was around 4 years ago. Everyone was on my case. Rightfully so...and lovingly. It will be 4 years next month since Bill died and I am where I am. What I know is that I am right where I need to be and my goal is to do today well and that means doing things that heal which does not include tackling the income tax. I know a day will come soon when it will feel good to get it behind me and NOT do it all in one day. It does not include tackling the basement and I have no clue when that will happen. Maybe never...who knows. Who cares?

I listen to my energy level, eat good food, am working very hard at keeping sugar and high carbs totally out of my life with rare exception. I even email a friend each night to report on my sugar use....it helps because I won't lie or fool myself as easily. Coming from an alcoholic family has, I am sure, created a sugar craving and the comfort of sugar/chocolate got out of control during caregiving days but it is not good for me. I meditate and get on the stationery bike until we get temps above 22 below zero which is today's wind chill. If I feel tired as I do today, I hang out in pjs and if I feel like answering the phone I do and if not I don't. Generally people call first if they plan to stop by. It is a way of life now. We do deserve all the care we gave our beloveds.We have to do it for us now. Wouldn't it be nice to have a caregiver:) I still tire easily and have little endurance after 4 years....so I know that barometer is telling me I am not physically healed yet though I feel pretty good emotionally most of the time and I can live with 'most'. I am looking forward to walking in fresh air soon...so is Bentley.

I think mindfulness helps as I tend to live in the now-the present moment- so I am pretty tuned in to what to do. It took me a long time to get back to how we lived before Bill got sick. He and I did a lot but we also lived in the now. So be patient and keep on as you are doing...you WILL heal. I truly believe that but go easy on the goals that result in fatigue. I was sick most of late January and early February with a mild bronchitis or flu or something (beats the pneumonia I had the last two years in January-that is progress) and when that happens I use up all my reserve....and have to rebuild it...so rebuilding I am. People around me have no clue for the most part except a handful. Because we live in a "doing doing doing" society. I ignore them. I swear no one in this village stays home. But I do now. I am so glad you are in the hangar getting your parts cleaned, an oil change, new filters, ne spark plugs, new software, etc. You go, girl!

[feralfae]

Thank you Mary.

Here we are, grounded for maintenance, an overhaul, new parts if needed, and lots of tender loving care.

Yes, having a caregiver would be so wonderful, and when SSK gets here for her stay, I know we will be caregiving each other, as she is also doing a lot of healing.

I think this is flu more than pneumonia or even bronchitis, but I guess I will know more in a few days.

We go.

fae

[kayc]

fae, I think you are very wise, you are listening to your inner self and what you need, and that is so important! And I'm glad we have Mary to help steer us, another wise one! Also, what you said to Harry was spot on...we must listen to our bodies, for if we don't take care of ourselves, we are of no use to anyone. I learned that in my first marriage...it was horrendous, and I was staying in it for two reasons: 1) Out of fear he'd kill me if I left, and 2) I wanted to be there for my stepson, born during our marriage. I finally realized I had to let my stepson go for if I didn't attend to my own needs, I wouldn't even be alive to take care of him. It killed me, but you know, he came back to me, years later...he never forgot me, never stopped loving me, and we are still in touch today, and his 1/2 sister too. Sometimes it's about putting our priorities where they need to be and trusting it will work out in the end.

[feralfae]

Kay,

You have lived through so much, and survived. You truly amaze me with your wonderful attitude and loving heart. I sincerely hope the time has come when you can turn all that loving to yourself, to heal your heart and take the time you need just for you to become who you cream of being.

namaste,

fae

[HAP]

Dear friends,

The sabbatical is over. I'm not sure it solved anything or resolved any of the issues that brought it on. I do feel much better than I did eight days ago, in part because it gave me the time to do a serious examination of the roots of some of the problems I've been dealing with.

At one point I made a list of all the projects I have in hand. It is an enormous list. It is no wonder I have felt overwhelmed at times. I've done some pruning, prioritized what was left, and begun asking others to help with the things I can most easily outsource that still need doing. The work is still pretty substantial but feels more manageable.

More importantly, I did some deep diving into my soul to look at the emotional issues I am facing and their roots. My dreams pitched in on that project--and there are a number of painful things I need to deal with more constructively than I have.

The heaviest reality is dealing with the fact Jane is gone and is not coming back. I may dream of her--I did many times this week--I may visit and decorate her grave--but the dream Jane is not her and the granite stone that marks the place her body resides now is only a marker--her body an empty and unanimated husk. She is not here and will not be here again.

Our life together changed me. The good changes, I can keep. The bad changes--and there were some--I can discard--and need to discard. There were compromises we both made in our lives for the needs of the other. Some of those compromises still make sense. Others do not. I need to sort those things out, keeping the ones that still work and eliminating those that don't.

None of that is going to be easy. Each undoing will remove a part of her from me. But I cannot make my mind and soul a shrine to her any more than I can make this house a shrine to her and still live in it. Living is about growth. When we stop growing, we die--not merely in the body, but in the soul as well. Jane would say it is about the need to keep moving forward. The past may influence the ways in which we move forward, but we cannot move forward while trapped in the past. Yet if we lose track of the past the results can be just as devastating.

The truth is my relationship with Jane is the only fully successful male-female relationship I have ever had. I have lots of female friends, just as I have lots of male friends. But our souls do not touch--do not integrate with each other. I spent the first 33 years of my life looking for that relationship. Every time I had an inkling that such a relationship could happen between me and another, something happened that destroyed that relationship and left it as a friendship.

And now, Jane is gone and I am left with considerably less than a friendship. I have nothing but memories--and the memories do not nourish me--only leave me hungrier than when I started. It makes me angry--pound-faces-into-mush angry. But I cannot let myself fully experience that anger--I know what happens when I let my emotions fully off the leash. Three times I have let that happen--and three times nearly killed someone as a result. And this anger--just feeling the edges of it--is far more powerful than any of those three times. So I tamp it down--control the rage and bank the fires--I walk, pushing myself faster and harder, seeking creative outlets that will help to burn the hatred and the hurt from my soul.

People think they know what anger is: "I was so angry..." I hear people say. Wrath has no words, barely has an inarticulate sound. If you can explain how angry you are you are not really angry. Some people talk about literally seeing red, of having no memory of their actions once the rage passes. They have experienced real anger. But wrath...wrath is so cold, so logical, that to know it, to feel it, is to know and feel the very personification of evil in your heart and in your soul. And I have known it and felt it and relished it. I have seen the devil in my life, to quote John Proctor, and it is my face...

I know the cure for that wrath-filled hatred is love. I work daily to build it into my life--to rebuild it into my life, really. I lost so much when Jane died that the well nearly emptied. I know, if I am patient, that well will be replenished. And I know how to be patient--I just don't want to be any longer. I am a week short of 39 months since Jane's death--43 months since she was diagnosed--and the flow is still barely a trickle. It's frustrating. But I know how important patience is. And I do know how to wait.

So I will.

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry said: "And this anger--just feeling the edges of it--is far more powerful than any of those three times. So I tamp it down--control the rage and bank the fires--I walk, pushing myself faster and harder, seeking creative outlets that will help to burn the hatred and the hurt from my soul." and "I know the cure for that wrath-filled hatred is love. I work daily to build it into my life--to rebuild it into my life, really. I lost so much when Jane died that the well nearly emptied. I know, if I am patient, that well will be replenished."

Harry, I am glad you took a little bit of time to look at your life and feelings. It seems to me that the anger you speak about is taking a lot of energy to "tamp it (anger) down, control the rage and bank the fires-and 'walk, pushing' yourself faster and harder" in order to keep anger beneath the surface. I just have to repeat the suggestion that I made before your 8 day sabbatical and hope you will take a good long chapter, put the vast majority of this work aside for a long while and work with a counselor/therapist to get beneath that anger so you can ultimately leave it behind, lighten your load and find some peace instead of expending exhausting energy to keep it under control. Coming to terms with the fears (inherent in anger) can help you work through it and leave it behind. Carrying it with you and working to "tamp it down" and control it, is exhausting and ultimately does not solve the problem. You have so much love in your heart and merely controlling anger is not really a solution. Just give it some thought. You deserve love and peace. I hold you in my heart, Mary

[enna]

Well, dear Harry, it is good to have you back. It sounds like you are beginning to prioritize your projects which is what all of us have had to learn to do since the death of our spouses. And I want to focus on that because even though ALL deaths are traumatic, the death of a soul mate is unique to the bond two people have made with one another.

I think that once we come to the acceptance that our spouse is indeed dead and is not coming back then and only then do we start that journey of healing. It will be for each one of us a lifetime of work – only to be complete when we are again united in whatever way we believe we will be.

You are an amazing human being and you will, however, slowly heal in your own way. You have work to do and it will get done. You will carry your Jane in your heart as I carry my Jim. It doesn’t mean that some days will not be filled with angst.

You said, “The truth is my relationship with Jane is the only fully successful male-female relationship I have ever had.” You are very fortunate to have had that one love in your life – many do not experience it. Your anger is understandable. It is normal to be angry. It is what YOU do with that anger (or wrath as you call it) that is the key.

I do not have any profound suggestions for you in dealing with this “wrath” you have. I can only say that as you continue to do what you are doing with NET research (a purpose) and all the other things you do for yourself and others the love will eventually be stronger than the wrath. Deal with the "wrath" and don't stuff it. It just takes more work.

Love will win out. And as for patience – it takes endurance under difficult circumstances. And the best thing about this whole reality is that we do not have to do it alone. We have one another.

Anne