melina Posted February 23, 2014 Report Share Posted February 23, 2014 Hello everyone, I'm rarely around this site these days, but I visit once in a while, and I often think about posting. It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my husband. Hard to believe - it doesn't seem very long since I was wailing in desperation. Luckily people were here to listen and I felt a little less alone. Although I still deeply miss and mourn my husband and think about him every day, I think the main challenge for me these days is trying to adjust to this new life. For a long time, I didn't think I would ever be able to have a new life, but since the alternative is not having a life, I suppose I have to make an effort. My four sons, albeit in their 20s, still need me around, as does my dog. I have a full-time job, plus two freelance jobs on the side. This gives me the money I need to manage, travel to see my sons - who are all living in different parts of the world, though not my part of the world - and also help them out a little with their student loans. So there is little time for anything but work, walking the dog, eating and sleeping. This has suited me just fine, since I really haven't wanted to do much living without my husband. We were together nearly 30 years, so what was the point of doing stuff alone? But now I'm starting to wonder - is this all I'm going to get before I die? I would never have considered these thoughts the first year after my husband died, or even the second year. Life seemed impossible without him. But suddenly here I am after almost four years, wondering "what now"? I still feel bitter, still get dark thoughts when I have to see or listen to people who still have their spouses - especially those who've had them for a long time. I still have to wonder - why me? Why did I have to lose my best friend and partner? Why did my sons have to lose their beloved father? Why will my future grandkids never know their grandfather? I've withdrawn from most of my friends, since their lives are untouched by grief. They still have husbands, kids nearby and normal lives. I'd be interested in hearing how other people adapt. I never thought I'd be able to manage on my own, but I have. I didn't think I could handle finances and problems that came my way without someone to lean on. But I have. I didn't think I could handle being alone - but I've learned how to deal with that too. The only thing I haven't gotten hold of is happiness. I still don't feel I'm living a normal life. I don't know if that will ever happen - but I hope it does at some point. I feel a little guilty about whining like this. There are hundreds and thousands of people around the world living far worse lives than the one I'm living, but I guess it's just not what I had hoped for. Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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