How To Adjust To A New Life

[melina]

Hello everyone,

I'm rarely around this site these days, but I visit once in a while, and I often think about posting. It's been 3 1/2 years since I lost my husband. Hard to believe - it doesn't seem very long since I was wailing in desperation. Luckily people were here to listen and I felt a little less alone.

Although I still deeply miss and mourn my husband and think about him every day, I think the main challenge for me these days is trying to adjust to this new life. For a long time, I didn't think I would ever be able to have a new life, but since the alternative is not having a life, I suppose I have to make an effort. My four sons, albeit in their 20s, still need me around, as does my dog.

I have a full-time job, plus two freelance jobs on the side. This gives me the money I need to manage, travel to see my sons - who are all living in different parts of the world, though not my part of the world - and also help them out a little with their student loans. So there is little time for anything but work, walking the dog, eating and sleeping. This has suited me just fine, since I really haven't wanted to do much living without my husband. We were together nearly 30 years, so what was the point of doing stuff alone? But now I'm starting to wonder - is this all I'm going to get before I die? I would never have considered these thoughts the first year after my husband died, or even the second year. Life seemed impossible without him. But suddenly here I am after almost four years, wondering "what now"?

I still feel bitter, still get dark thoughts when I have to see or listen to people who still have their spouses - especially those who've had them for a long time. I still have to wonder - why me? Why did I have to lose my best friend and partner? Why did my sons have to lose their beloved father? Why will my future grandkids never know their grandfather? I've withdrawn from most of my friends, since their lives are untouched by grief. They still have husbands, kids nearby and normal lives.

I'd be interested in hearing how other people adapt. I never thought I'd be able to manage on my own, but I have. I didn't think I could handle finances and problems that came my way without someone to lean on. But I have. I didn't think I could handle being alone - but I've learned how to deal with that too. The only thing I haven't gotten hold of is happiness. I still don't feel I'm living a normal life. I don't know if that will ever happen - but I hope it does at some point.

I feel a little guilty about whining like this. There are hundreds and thousands of people around the world living far worse lives than the one I'm living, but I guess it's just not what I had hoped for.

Melina

[feralfae]

Dear Melina,

Doug has been gone only two years, and I find it easy to stay hidden away in the house, especially since I now work from home, and to venture out only to get things done that must be done.

I go to Meeting most Sundays, which is a wonderful social time for us all, small group that we are. I try to have at least one social event each week, even if it is only lunch with a girlfriend. A lot of my time is still in Physical therapy and doctors, and then home exercises and meditation take a lot of time. I have been trying to be a bit more social, and sometimes it works, and sometimes it ends with me in the car, heading home, in tears.

I am not happy yet, although I have had some moments of happiness. Those moments are balanced with times of tears. But I can tell I am stronger and have less grief than right after Doug left.

So, I am going to be interested in what others write here. I keep hoping more of the numbness and sadness will slowly dissolve, and that more happiness will come in. In fact, yesterday was the first time in about five years that I prayed for joy and happiness to enter my heart, and felt it was a real possibility that it could happen. I think we all hope to find more happiness and joy, and I am presently trying to sort out some ways to create and hold on to bits of each. It is a new and different life now. I am only just accepting that piece. But I, too, hope for more happiness to slowly infiltrate into my life.

Thank you for a thought-provoking and insightful note.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

You have done what you did not think possible i.e. handled finances, house, visits to sons....I remember sharing with you a couple of years ago. I do not know what is next for me. I have completed the hours to get certified in thanatology and will take the test in the fall which means I am reading a ton of pages. I see a handful of clients in my office. I paint with a group of women 2-4 times a month and would like to get better but I am pokey about it. Thinking of returning to sculpture also. I help people in the village with crises, share time with friends, some who are alone (divorced, widowed) and we do field trips to art museums etc. on occasion. I have not done any of the long trips as my energy won't allow it yet but I will. I read, meditate, interact with Bentley and have no clue beyond that. I am as content right now as I need to be as I try to get my physical health and energy back and just not push myself as I did for so long. I think my friends save the day for me...as I have some folks to socialize with, have tea with here at home, paint with when I want to. A rather simple quiet life. I think those are my top priorities and I know once I get my health back and get this certification behind me, I will hopefully be getting my bike out and doing some of our trails here and snowshoe in the winter. I want to get strong enough to snowshoe up to Bill's grave in the winter...as it is not plowed. Volunteering in the jungle with the gorillas sounds awesome...but know I won't do that at this point. I wish I could be more help to you. I hope others will log on and share also.

[melina]

Thank you Fae and Mary for replying. Fae - I was still crying a lot at two years. Now the taps seemed to be more or less turned off. That doesn't mean I don't get sad, but I just don't need to cry as much, I suppose. I've tried meditating, and it helps a little to calm me down and make me less anxious, but it doesn't take away that emptiness or bring me joy.

Mary - what is thanatology?

I agree that social interaction would probably help - and it's great that you both have friends you connect with. That might be one of my biggest problems - I don't have a real social network outside of work. I was an introvert before my husband left, and it isn't exactly helping me at this point now that he's gone. My friends are all still married and nothing big has really altered their lives. I've begun to feel alien.

For the time being my youngest son is visiting with his girlfriend. It's great to see and be with them, and have them in the house, but when they leave I'll have to work on this problem again.

You've been a great help to me just by replying. It feels better knowing there's someone out there going through the same things.

Melina

[mfh]

Metteline, I am a world class introvert. People have no clue for the most part. My socializing is pretty limited as I do not, like most introverts, enjoy parties or most large groups. They wear me down. I do enjoy having a friend over for tea an scones; painting with my little group which is made up of 4 married women and 3 of us who have lost our husbands-2 of them many years ago. i do find that couples rarely include me except for two or three...they go to movies and it never dawns on them to call but I was one of those once and try to remember that. I do think a circle of friends would add a lot to your life and i know it is hard to create that without a vehicle like a class or volunteer work and with 3 jobs and a dog and a house...time is pretty tight, I imagine. Glad you are here. You are in the company of many who ask the same questions.

[MartyT]

In response to your question, Melina, thanatology is the description or study of dying, death and bereavement. In addition to her training as a licensed therapist and her personal experience with significant loss, Mary is studying to become certified in thanatology through the Association for Death Education and Counseling (ADEC), one of the most respected organizations in our field. See Certified in Thanatology. ♥

[mfh]

Thanks, Marty.

I missed your question, Metteline. Once I attend an upcoming conference in June and take the test in November I will have accomplished this meaningful goal.

[melina]

Thanks again and good luck with your test.

[mfh]

Thanks, Metteline,

It is good to see you here and I look forward to your visits or "hanging out here with all of us". Do you still have thoughts of returning to the USA to live someday?

Mary

[marsha]

Melina - I've been thinking about your post. My thoughts? That it takes a long time, longer than we think it will take, to find our footing. For me, work (our business) took precedence, as it was my financial survival....and emotionally, too, as it was the routine I needed, and still do. My life has become more internal. I've become quieter. My tolerance for trivial BS is at an all time low, so the people I share with better get with the plot, lol. Thankfully, some have. And I think - this is where I am now, and it's been hard won. It may change. It probably will change - but I've also learned I can't force it into something that I'm not comfortable with. Am I confusing you yet? I think questioning is good. It makes us look long and hard at who we are, truly, now. I figure I'm a work in progress - Hugs, Marsha

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

You already bring so very much to us here, that I cannot imagine you or Marty could be better at what you do, but I imagine the certification is a good thing to have for your work. Congratulations on undertaking this challenge. A constructive distraction of more learning and healing for you and ultimately, for us all. Thank you.

fae

[mfh]

Dear Mary,

You already bring so very much to us here, that I cannot imagine you or Marty could be better at what you do, but I imagine the certification is a good thing to have for your work. Congratulations on undertaking this challenge. A constructive distraction of more learning and healing for you and ultimately, for us all. Thank you.

fae

Thank you, fae. I do see the CT as a good move for my work. It makes a statement...and there is always lots to learn no matter how old we are. I appreciate your words. Peace, Mary

[melina]

Marsha,

Thanks for your reply. Maybe it just does take a lot longer than we think. I remember just after my husband died and I was beside myself with grief - literally crazy with grief, I think, because I wasn't behaving normally at all - and all I wanted, apart from having my husband back, was to have the pain go away. I read all kinds of things online and consoled myself with the thought that the grief would be gone in about a year. I wasn't sure I could make it that long, but at least it would be gone. After a year I realized it wasn't going to be that easy. Easier, but not easy.

Work has also been my source of escape from the grief and from the loneliness. I work a lot, partly because I need the money, but also because it fills the day. Like you, I don't have time for BS either, and often I feel as though I'm looking down at the earth from above, wondering why everyone is scurrying around worrying about ridiculous things.

Melina

[melina]

Some of you may find this interesting:

http://online.wsj.com/news/articles/SB10001424052702304610404579402940770172268

Melina

[mfh]

Hi Melina

Good to see you. I read about that group a while back and the research of Bonanno. I question his research and it has been challenged by others in reviews. I also think what these women did is wonderful and they are having fun. I think the bottom line is everyone has to do grief the way they choose and all of us who grieve have to include balancing the pain with some joy or fun.

[JeL]

Melina, Thanks for asking how others adapt, you and all the responses here help me look inward. I appreciate the wisdom.

Adjusting to being a widow is starting to settle in. It's been 6 months since my husband died. Here's how I'm adapting to my new life:

Work is my foundation; I need the income, I excel in my healthcare career and keeping to a schedule creates structure when lots has changed in my life.

I push myself to attend at least one social event a week....a lecture, concert or such, sometimes with a friend or two, sometimes alone in a crowd. Being social creates awkward, sad moments: last night I attended a fund raiser and two different casual acquaintances who obviously hadn't heard my husband died asked me what he's doing these days. That happens pretty frequently, I'm always caught off-guard. I have a 2-3 sentence honest polite answer then change the subject back to them before my teary floodgate opens.

Creating emotional stability in my grief starts with sleep and exercise. When my body's tired, I sleep better. Eating for one is a bit more challenging but I'm taking care nutritionally for the most part. I do like my cookies :-)

Letting people in to my sadness creates yet more pain; I prefer to reflect, cry, process in solitude. I find that a few minutes a day, a few hours a week of grief reading & reflecting on memories often works for me. I'm starting to sleep well enough to recall dreams and some are "aha moments" of grief processing and introspection. The grief tsunami overpowers me often...lots of firsts these past 6 months, many more to come, I know.

So, "what now?".......

I foresee at least 1-2 years to evolve into my new normal; I hope to remain open, be reflective, not reactive.

I'm staying in our home and my job for now; I can envision a different place down the road.

If another special love comes my way, I think I'd jump for joy....being alone is okay right now.

I'm drawn these days to helping others, simple things...childcare, cooking meals for busier friends, the “random acts of kindness” thing.

Gratitude buoys my heavy heart.

"Getting hold of happiness..."

Am I happy? No, I'm certainly not happy. Every day is tough, but I smile and laugh at small things. And I have moments of contentment. As wise women here say, "fake it til you make it".

I try to feel enriched by all my life experiences and losing my husband to cancer is indeed a learning experience on so many levels.

I believe happiness will visit me again one day.

Wishing you happiness soon.

[kayc]

JeL,

You sound very wise and are going about it right. Some of the things you've learned already is what I found to be true although I think it took me a lot longer to realize it.

[melina]

JeL,

Thanks for your comments.You seem a lot more together than I was at 6 months out. My husband died of cancer too, but I remained in shock for quite a while. That might explain the higher energy I had at first, which then plummeted. In many ways I behaved irrationally. I remember people commenting on this - wondering why I couldn't just calm down. I now wish I'd been more "normal" during the worst of my grief period. Still, who's to say what's normal for grief. I guess it depends on your circumstances, history and personality.

I'm sure you'll progress well, though it seems fairly common for grief to fluctuate - and grief reactions seem to go in waves. The fact that you have the energy to help others is a good thing. I'm not able to do more than my work in the health field, which involves helping others.

Melina

[mlg]

As I'm sure many people have told you there is no timeline that is for everyone. What works for one of us may not work for another. Our worlds change forever. About 2 months after Tom died I went to a grief support group at our local hospital and it just happened several of the people were ones I had worked with at the hosp or knew from another venue. Most of them were 10 years or so older but they have become my "new" friends because they are the ones that understand and I don't have to lie or hide my feelings from. I can be more of my self. During the 5th year I felt like I was drowning and falling in a deep hole so I had to finally ask for an antidepressant. The thing I don't like about it is that it won't let me cry or show any sad emotion at all but the Dr said I should stay on it for at least 2 years. I have cut the dose in half for some of the days. Also my place of employment had a program that would let you see a psychologist so many times for free and that also helped.

I hope you find some more peace in the future and I know your dog will probably help you through a lot of things, at least mine does. Sometimes he is the only one that can make me smile.

Mary Linda

[kayc]

Mine too, Mary Linda, only right now my dog has an ear infection and is clearly not feeling too well.

One of my best friends, since George died, will likely be moving to TX, I am surely going to miss her. We have always been able to share our feelings, both being widowed.

[melina]

Mary Linda,

I haven't logged on to this site in a long time. Thanks for your comments. It's good that you have friends who understand your situation. I tried a grief group here - but I live in a small town in Norway, and there isn't much to choose from. I joined when I was four months out, and the others had been widowed for a year or more. We were in different places and it just didn't work.

I've battled with depression for many years, even before my husband got ill, so I've also had to use antidepressants from time to time to be able to function normally - work, take care of kids, etc. I've managed to get off them now, but I notice that the strain and stress of this new life is really pulling me down, so even with the help of counseling sessions, I imagine I'll have to get back on them again, at least at the very lowest dose. They don't stop me from crying, but there is a kind of emotional numbing that goes along with them, which probably isn't a great thing. But if I have to choose between deep depression and emotional numbing - I'll choose a small level of numbing.

Melina