hyacinth Posted February 25, 2014 Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 My apologies, I have had to remove my story. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 25, 2014 Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 I want to say that you have handled everything so well and seem to have a real grasp about what is going on with him...but I know that doesn't make you feel any better. I am so sorry you find yourself in this situation through no fault of your own. Your friend is grieving his dad, but you are grieving your relationship and him. That is a big loss in itself. I wish I knew something to tell you that would bring you some comfort or hope, but I don't. Perhaps he will return to you as a friend in the future, but that's not something you can count on, esp. if he is making his home in another country. He will be swamped with settling the estate, which can easily take a year. You don't say if you're young or old or somewhere inbetween, but it seems those who are young usually do go on to find someone else, whereas those who are older are more content to just stay on their own. There are a lot of threads here posted by people in similar situations, I'm sure you've read through some of them. Not everyone handles grief by withdrawing from their partner, but clearly, some do. My fiance broke up with me by Fed Ex when his mom was dying, he was her caretaker 24/7. It's been 3 1/2 years since she died and he's made no attempt to get back together but we talk on the phone every couple of days or so, and see each other about once a year. It has never been the same between us, nor will it be. I cannot trust any more, and he feels he can't trust himself to not do it again if something arose. I have lost my dad, my grandparents, a niece, nephew, friends, and my dear sweet husband, yet I never withdrew from those that I love. I do not think most people do, but obviously enough do that this could be considered a common enough response. The only thing I knew to do, when my ex had cut off all contact with me for months, was try to keep busy, spend time with friends/family, pursue other interests, etc. My house got very clean. (Too bad it doesn't last!) With time I finally quit crying myself to sleep and thinking of him every minute of the day, but it did take a while. Try to focus on yourself and your own needs as much as you can. It's good that you can express yourself, as it does help to voice your feelings, coming here is a good place to start. Please feel free to keep coming here as long as you need. There should be some others responding soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 25, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 25, 2014 Hi Kay, Thank you for your wise words and support. I find it so terribly frustrating that as time goes on I am tending to doubt our whole relationship… wondering if it was all a lie, or perhaps there is something else going on. It is exhausting me and is definitely keeping me stuck. It is hard for me to admit, as it sounds so weak, but I feel hated. And I know it isn't about me, well most of the time I know it! I am old enough to know that good love and companionship doesn't come along everyday so I guess that is why I am struggling as well. I was with my previous partner for 15 years and never felt this way. I remember when I was younger and friends or family were getting married or moving in together, making a big commitment to a partner, I would ask "…but how do you know this is the person for you?" And they always said "…when you know, you know." This is the first time I have ever known. I am sorry that you have suffered so much loss in your life. I do not know how you cope! When I lost my Dad I lived in complete denial for the first year, probably why I made bad decisions, as I knew that there was this unmanageable pain lurking about, but of course it caught me and brought me to my knees. I know grief often brings people together but I know in my family it broke us apart and still to this day my family is fractured. Everyone grieves differently to be sure and even though I have had proof of that in my own family, it certainly didn't prepare me for this. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 26, 2014 Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 I wouldn't doubt the relationship you had. My Jim has assured me many times that he'd been in love with me, meant what he said, intended to spend the rest of his life with me, etc. but he just couldn't do a relationship at the same time he went through this with his mom. I don't understand why he couldn't have taken a breather rather than just break up entirely, but it seems real common, there's enough stories on here that back that as a common grief response. By the same token, I honestly cannot imagine in my wildest dreams that my George (my late husband) would ever have done anything like that to me! I do not believe he would have no matter what, for any reason. I don't think the problem lies in our relationships but rather in the coping abilities of the person we were with. This is about them, not us. We were great partners and would have been there through thick and thin. I will not settle for anything less, but to be quite honest, after all I have been through, I choose not to date at this point in my life. If I ever again meet a Mr. Wonderful (and I seriously doubt the possibility), I would have to have proven to me through the test ot time and scrutiny...if he's the right one, he'll go through it willingly. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 Your words do help a lot Kay. Thank you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 26, 2014 Report Share Posted February 26, 2014 I am not a therapist but my experience tells me that this most definitely IS associated with grief. I hope Marty will respond here. If you read the many threads on "Loss of Love" section here, you will see one after another that are so similar! I don't think it has to do with you or with your relationship so much as it has to do with HIM and HIS response/coping mechanisms. For that reason, your therapist could be right in the sense that had it not been this, it might have been something else down the road. I have to feel that might have been the case with my Jim too. I don't think you can cross an entire cultural group off because of one therapist's experience, I think she was letting her personal experience affect her professional judgment. I would not make contact with him, I would let HIM make the first move before responding and not be over-eager at that. After all, he broke your heart and would have a lot of proving to do should you ever give him another chance. Friendship is fine, but have boundaries and remember them. There is a book by Dr. Harley called "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders" that might be of help to you. It helps you know the difference between those who are in it for the long haul and those who are not. I thought it was very good, you can find it on Amazon. After these people leave due to their loss of a parent, etc., it is very hard to get a good explanation out of them, that is for sure. That makes closure more difficult for those of us left behind, but we can have it by not depending on THEM to close it, but by doing so ourselves. We do so by redefining our relationship with them (friend, ex, acquaintance, etc.) and writing down a list of what it would take for them to get us back. Any time you feel weak, go back and re-read that list. With time, you will probably see he wasn't "the one" you thought he was, but you saw certain aspects of him when you were in the throes of the relationship, whereas on down the road you learned other aspects of him that you may now find unacceptable for the one you want to be in a relationship with. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 You should be a therapist Kay! I feel much better than I did earlier today. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 27, 2014 Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 I agree with you, telling him what you think will not help in this situation...in another situation, perhaps. I think you have learned a LOT from your past experiences, thank God our experiences are never wasted, as long as we learn from them and consider them when going forward. They did not try to purposely hurt us, they are broken themselves. Someday if he ever contacts you and you can have a friendship, then you can tell him how it affected you, but I agree with you so much...now is not the time. He has his hands full dealing with all that he must. I have pity on my Jim, he is the weaker vessel. Isn't it cool that you and I can be the strong ones through it all! I know, it doesn't FEEL very strong in the middle of the night when our hearts hurt! But it will get better, I promise you. I wish I had been a therapist...I missed my calling, instead being an Office Mgr and Bkpr for everyone else. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 Well you know what they say Kay, "…life is not a dress rehearsal." Perhaps you should look into some counseling courses, what a great grief counsellor you would make. Thank you for the validation about my decision to save my issues for another time. Everyone in my life has an opinion about this situation, and seeing that most of them are protective, they are unable to be objective. Unfortunately my therapist was unable to be objective as well, so the validation is most welcome. This does not mean I am willing to be a doormat, it simply means that I was trying to be considerate with my timing. I probably missed my chance, but like I said earlier I believe that I did the right thing. And I agree, I feel dreadfully weak when I have my teary, sleepless nights. I believe that I read on another thread that Jim reached out after a couple of months after the break-up… what was your initial reaction? Were you surprised to hear from him? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 27, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 27, 2014 Hi there, I have been tossing and turning all week! I feel terrible when I don't sleep properly… last night my mind was riddled with thoughts again about what I could have done wrong. I hate it when I go down that road. The nights are the worst! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 28, 2014 Report Share Posted February 28, 2014 I am sorry I missed your post from yesterday when I was on this morning. You ask about when Jim contacted me after being away, I think it was about 2 1/2 - 3 months after he broke up with me. I went from being his fiance to absolutely no contact...he broke up with me by Fed Ex (at my office no less) so I wasn't able to ask him anything, I was just blindsided. When I learned his mom had died, I sent him a handmade sympathy card and he received it next day and called me that night. He talked for 3 1/2 hours...replaying everything he'd been through, like it was therapy for him or something. He'd call me in a day or two, or wait two weeks, it was nerve wracking, waiting. At this point I still didn't know if we'd get back together at some point or what. I had no guidance to go by, no one on this forum to follow, as I was the first in this situation here. I found another website that gave some pointers (too late) but it had to do with break ups in general, not break ups due to grief, so it didn't help as much as I could have used. In the beginning of this resumation, Jim yanked me around emotionally, and I finally decided I needed to protect myself and put a wall up around my heart. I needed to. Then no matter what he said or did, it couldn't hurt me any more. I think, in a way, that made him feel safer to be my friend, he knew I wasn't going to try and get him back or put pressure on him. That doesn't mean I let him off the hook. After months went by, I let him know that what he did was NOT acceptable. I pressed for answers and I think I've gotten about as much as I'm going to get, in bits and pieces, over 3 1/2 years. Remember, it's hard to give answers when you yourself don't know what happened, and I think that's the case with these ditching grievers. I don't think they fully understand it themselves. They only know they haven't anything in them to do a relationship with. Most of them do not ditch their family and friends...just us. They don't quit their jobs, some of them even go on vacations and get new BFs/GFs! Jim has not dated since me, nor have I since him. I am 61 and he is 59. It's sad, because we still have feelings for each other, but I cannot change him and it's just not acceptable to me "as is" so that is that. He knows what it would take and has not made any effort, so there's that. Nope, perhaps all worked out for the best because I honestly do not want someone who would ditch me for any reason...my late husband, George, certainly would not have, not ever! I think it's important to hold up our standards and make sure we don't have someone "just because" but hold out for the one that we truly cannot live without...I did that with George and that worked beautifully. If I have to spend the rest of my life alone, I'm better off than being with the wrong one. I just read your other post...it is possible Sam learned something that sent him running, but wouldn't you rather be with someone that would give you the benefit of the doubt at least until such time as you discussed it? After all, he did not seek your point of view and jumped to a conclusion, if that's the case, rather than give you a chance to explain. Honestly, I'd block the guy on line from contact and not respond, he sounds like trouble. If you felt good about him, you would have already met him, something's telling you "no good" inside of you. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2014 Hi, I knew Jim had broken up with you via Fed Ex, but didn't realize he sent it to your office! What an absolute heartbreak. I agree the waiting is the worst! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 28, 2014 Report Share Posted February 28, 2014 All of us analyzed the situations/ourselves/them to a fault, we wanted answers...they really weren't forthcoming, not to the extent we needed. They just couldn't do relationships in addition to the grief. Some do, they didn't. It has to do with THEM, not us. We were all supportive, wonderful, caring partners. None of us deserved this. It was wrong. But they couldn't see past the end of their nose and it's some sort of deficiency in them. Not trying to judge them, I don't feel they could help it any more than we could, almost like they were paralyzed by their grief. It's their particular inability to cope. If they hadn't lost their parent when they did, would this still have happened at some point down the road? Who knows. But it did happen so there's no use in speculating. Believe me, I asked myself every conceivable question, again and again. Self interrogating seems to be useless, it didn't bring me any further to answers or closure. Closure had to come within myself, I couldn't get it from him. Any answers or glimpses of such have been incomplete (with all of us). We have had to learn to accept it and move on. Moving on is not about a new relationship, it's about adjusting to what now is, whether that includes a new relationship or not. My only advice there would be to give yourself ample time to learn from the relationship and heal before involving yet another person. The truth is, we don't need another person to validate ourselves, we can be alone and be just fine...when we realize and accept that, we actually are in a better place if a new person does enter our life...more able to give to that relationship without dragging old baggage into it. Some of the exes do go on to find someone else, but others do not...Jim has not looked for someone else, it's not about that, it's about their loss and what it did to them. With some, they seemed to feel guilty having a relationship when their parent died! Some mentioned we were reminders of that dark time so they needed to be away from us...that's the reward we got for our supportiveness. I'm glad to hear you blocked Mr-Not-So-Great. Internet dating sites can be downright scary! My son met his wife on such a site, but you have to be so extremely careful and cannot afford to be naive. Your thoughts are very common. I hope you've read some of the other threads, you'll see that everything you're going through, feeling, wondering, it's normal. You may experience some anger towards him on down the road...that's common too. It's okay to feel angry, they hurt us, just so we don't get stuck there or let it consume us. We have to find it within ourselves to forgive the great injustice they did to us. Then we can find peace. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted February 28, 2014 Author Report Share Posted February 28, 2014 And thank you again Kay! You really have been a great help to me this week. I think I am feeling better today… oh the ups and downs of heartbreak! I am going to try and remind myself over and over again that I must always go with the information I have and all the information I have makes sense, so it is time to stop with the self interrogating (what a most accurate term). I have read many other threads here and I know it is important to take time and care for myself. I am not someone who is afraid of being on my own and I certainly don't want to drag any baggage from this relationship into my next. I also do not want to carry bitterness. That would be the biggest heartbreak of all. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 1, 2014 Report Share Posted March 1, 2014 What your therapist said was astute, it would have been harder for him to say goodbye to you than to anyone else. What we have to realize is that they did not break up with us because they did not care about us, even though it very much FEELS that way! Feelings just are not an accurate barometer of anything. Feelings can be very off. When someone breaks up with us we naturally feel they don't give a rip about us, but sometimes it's because they can't give us what we want/need, and sometimes it's nothing to do with us and all about them, they can't handle a relationship at the time. I'm glad you're feeling better, I hope it continues to heal and get better for you. (((hugs))) Kay Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 When a break up occurs, for whatever the reason it is hard not to think that it is something we did, the feelings of rejection can soon overwhelm us. In this type of break up it could be argued that it simply came down to bad timing. I really can't thank you enough Kay. Chatting with you this week has been a HUGE help to me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 I know exactly how you're feeling because I went through that with Jim. He used to come to my place on weekends so most of our "memories" took place on my turf (he lived about 75 miles from me). Consequently, when he broke up with me, every time I passed a restaurant we used to eat at or the park where we walked the dogs, or even the church we went to every weekend, it was hard. So many memories. It's finally okay, but in those early months, it was really tough. Try to remind yourself that this is because of grief, not anything you did. Please try not to take the blame for it, it doesn't belong to you. If you're responsible for the breakup somehow, then what do you have to say about all of the others on this site that have gone through the same thing?! It could be that he will reach out to you as a friend someday, but meanwhile you're better off accepting what is and trying to focus on your own life. I know, easier said than done...but keep trying. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 2, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 I am feeling so much better, I really am. The anxiety has subsided considerably, those feelings of panic and regret, of what to do next, should I write him or not, how can I fix this, make everything better??? The anxiety subsiding is a huge relief and I hope it lasts. Now what remains is a heavy heart, which I can manage. I know that will get better in time as well. I have to keep reminding myself that I have done everything I can and I have to surrender and remind myself that if it is meant to be that Sam will contact me again, then it will be. One very good thing I have been reminded of throughout this ordeal is the benefit of exercise. I have been going to the gym six days a week for the last six months and for fear of sounding overly dramatic, it has saved me. It was the best part of my day, it seemed my only reprieve from the sadness and anxiety, working hard, sweating like crazy, and listening to good, loud music. The winter here has been relentless, so cold and so grey. The exercise made me feel better about that too. Phew! Better days ahead… hopefully for all of you too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 2, 2014 Report Share Posted March 2, 2014 Exercise is the perfect anedote for grief, it releases the feel-good endorphins, plus we're doing something positive for ourselves, it can't help but improve our outlook! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2014 I feel like a crazy person. I was feeling so much better these past few days, but I woke up in tears this morning. That is such a horrible feeling. I have been teary all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 4, 2014 Report Share Posted March 4, 2014 I promise you, he will never forget you. That's not the problem, as he said, it was all going so well... I also understand about anxiety, have dealt with it all mylife. Try to do something to restore your peace...meditation, prayer, a walk, soothing music, something... The up and down feelings are normal, it's a roller coaster. Remember, he isn't the only one grieving, you are too. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 4, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 4, 2014 How do you know Kay? I don't know why he can't say anything… I really feel like I should try and get the conversation going… I just want him to know that my door is open. Don't they say that men tend to stay away from women they hurt? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 I hope my last post didn't sound rude Kay, I was looking for your wisdom… as usual. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 5, 2014 Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 I know because I've never forgotten anyone from my past and especially at such a pivotal moment. And Jim, even though he broke up with me and did a disappearing act on me, was checking my FB account all the time, looking for me everywhere he knew I'd be (in cyberspace)...how do I know? Because his daughter told me. He won't say something to you because he wants it to be a clean break, thinks it'll be easier on you that way, or maybe it's because it's easier on him that way...he feels he can't do a relationship while he's grieving...and he doesn't think you can do just a friendship or maybe he feels he can't. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
hyacinth Posted March 5, 2014 Author Report Share Posted March 5, 2014 I am also starting to think that my feelings of abandonment in this relationship have brought up some unresolved feelings of grief. New experiences of grief can remind us of previous losses… Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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