What Do I Do Now?

[Jenna2]

Jenna, so sorry that your hopes did not match your dreams.

Perhaps the findings can now allow you to find some sense of closure.

"Confused and empty" is a feeling we all know well.

There ARE a few good things that came of this project.

One, I know he's alive. That alone is reason enough to stop posting on Boogieman's thread and put this conversation back here where it belongs.

Two, I now have a picture of him, which I will cherish.

Three, I know more about him than before -- like his exact date of birth, his addresses, and his phone numbers. Whether or not I actually get a chance to USE them is doubtful (see below).

But I don't have closure. If anything, I feel more hurt and weepy than before (although that's better then denial, which brings about a whole NEW set of problems).

And what do I hope for? It doesn't matter, because I know that's NOT going to happen.

I this point I would be happy being "just friends" with him, exchanging e-mails, catching up, and wishing him well. But I can think of no way to contact him that won't immediately blow up in disaster.

And I still don't know what really happened that night of April 2/3, 2013, when it seemed he spiritually visited me. (I thought maybe it meant he had died. At least now I know THAT wasn't the case.)

Suggestions urgently welcomed.

Jenna

[mfh]

Dear Jenna,

You asked for suggestions. I truly think it is time to let go of this man and see what else life holds for you. The mental and emotional energy you are using has to be exhausting you and holding your focus on the past. As long as we keep holding on like that, we crowd out new possibilities in life. This man has clearly moved into a new life and has never contacted you. I hope you can do the same for yourself. It is difficult to let go...one of my biggest lessons in life. But there is a time and place for it and this may be the time as difficult as that may be. People do come into our lives for short times and leave. And this, imho, is one of those situations. I am glad you have your answers.

Peace,

Mary

[kayc]

It is true, life has it's seasons and changes, we have to be willing to adapt to them. Sometimes the adjustment is painful, sometimes even lengthy, but it requires our persistence in adjusting and moving on. I have had many, I know.

You were in each other's lives for a reason, but now that has sufficed, time to eagerly look for what might be around the corner.

[MartyT]

You've asked for suggestions, Jenna, and so I'm offering this to you again ~ as I'm not sure if you've read it yet. The following is taken from my article, Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream. I've excerpted pieces that I hope may have resonance for you:

The loss of a dream is yet another kind of death, and your loss is just as real as anyone else’s. I am reminded of a beautiful passage by author Robert Fulghum in his wonderful book, From Beginning to End:

When we’ve changed our religious views or political convictions, a part of our past dies. When love ends, be it the first mad romance of adolescence, the love that will not sustain a marriage, or the love of a failed friendship, it is the same. A death. Likewise in the event of a miscarriage or an abortion: a possibility is dead. And there is no public or even private funeral. Sometimes only regret and nostalgia mark the passage. And the last rites are held in the solitude of one’s most secret self —a service of mourning in the tabernacle of the soul.

You are the only one who knows in your heart of hearts just how much this particular person meant to you, my dear, and so you are the only one who can measure exactly what you have lost . . . Loss is loss, and pain is pain. Please don’t judge yourself for how and what you are feeling. We simply cannot control how we feel – and feelings aren’t right or wrong, good or bad – they just are.

. . . on some level you always knew that he was still there, somewhere, should you ever wish to find him. In a sense, you became accustomed to loving him in his absence, and deep inside your heart you could keep hope alive that one day you might see him again. Now you are faced with the harsh reality that his absence is forever, and that is very hard to accept.

. . . You are a human being reacting in a very normal way to having lost very someone dear to you. Please accept your feelings as normal and completely understandable. Judge yourself not by what you are feeling, but rather by what you do with what you are feeling. When we simply acknowledge (if only to ourselves) what we are feeling and why we are feeling that way, oftentimes the energy generated by those feelings simply dissipates, and no one else is hurt. When we fuss and stew and push our feelings away or try to bury or deny them, they can come out in other ways we can't always control, usually every which-way but straight! This is why it helps so much when we are in mourning to do some reading about grief – it helps to know what is normal, what we can expect, and what we can do to manage our own reactions. It helps us feel more in control, or at least less "crazy" and certainly better informed about what we are experiencing.

. . . You might consider writing a letter to this man, telling him everything you need to say to him. Whether he can “read” what you write is not the point – the objective here is to get down on paper whatever thoughts and feelings you have about all of this, to get it out of your mind and heart and onto paper (or your computer screen) so you no longer have to carry all of it around inside of you. That in itself can be very healing. You might also try to have this man write a letter back to you! Some suggest that, if you’re right-handed, you write your letter to him with your right hand, then use your left hand to write the letter that comes back (through you) from him. You could construct an entire ritual around this exercise: pick a quiet time and place when you’re all alone; put some soft music on the stereo, light some candles, find some paper and a pen, and let the words just come through your hands. If you want to do so, burn the letters when you’re finished, as a symbolic way of saying goodbye and letting him go. This is your ritual, and you can construct it in any way you like, and design it to accomplish whatever objectives you choose. Another alternative is to find a safe and quiet place and have a good long conversation with him in your heart and in your mind.

And if you care to do so . . . hold a memorial service for him -- in the solitude of your most secret self, your very own service of mourning, in the tabernacle of your very own soul.

[boogieman]

I sincerely wish I had some sort of meaningful advice to offer.

As evidenced by my posts I am struggling greatly too.

Living in the fog of unknowns and indecision has become the norm.

Never knowing what or when or how anything might develop.

Only you can decide weather or not to make contact.

Trust your heart, not your emotions regarding this.

Shortly after My Paula passed I was faced with the same type of decision. In my deep grief I located my first

love with the intentions to contact her. Married with two children, grand-children I think, etc.

I have addresses, pictures and such. I decided to not interject myself into her life.

There could have been unintended consequences I did not want to be responsible for causing.

A decision I do not regret. But that is just me. I still think of the "what if's" but had to

let them go. I decided with my heart, not emotions

Through a family member, My Paula was contacted by her first love too.

Under the guise of simply reaching out to her in dealing with her cancer and chemo,

he purported to being caring and concerned. A month later he was hitting on her,

suggesting clandestine meetings and hiding his correspondences from me.

Needless to say this caused a huge ripple in our peace and serenity while trying to care for My Paula

in her time of great need. Of course she declined, but he persisted in contacting her.

Not her fault or doings but the effects were the same. These unwarranted and unsolicited advances

troubled me greatly.

I only ask you to reconsider before interjecting yourself into that dynamic.

Would you really be content with "being just friends"?

Only you can answer that.

The truth is that each of us must face our problems and situations individually.

There are no "pat" answers to any of this.

We are all basically on our own trying desperately to cope with our personal demons.

Some more successfully than others, some of us not so well.

I wish peace for you.

Chris

[mfh]

Chris, your response to Jenna is full of wisdom and using your own experience with this question, I am sure, will help Jenna with her decision. Well done, in my opinion.

[boogieman]

Thank you, Mary.

Don't know if this will help but I am willing to offer what little I know.

[mfh]

You gave a lot.

[Jenna2]

Dear Jenna,

You asked for suggestions. I truly think it is time to let go of this man and see what else life holds for you. The mental and emotional energy you are using has to be exhausting you and holding your focus on the past. As long as we keep holding on like that, we crowd out new possibilities in life. This man has clearly moved into a new life and has never contacted you. I hope you can do the same for yourself. It is difficult to let go...one of my biggest lessons in life. But there is a time and place for it and this may be the time as difficult as that may be. People do come into our lives for short times and leave. And this, imho, is one of those situations. I am glad you have your answers.

Peace,

Mary

Time to let go? The time to let go was at least 20 years ago. I've followed all the standard advice, from trying to find another to moving far away, only to have it blow up in my face. I'm not trying to argue with you, Mary, I'm just saying what hasn't worked.

I went to a party yesterday. It was the kind of place Ben and I would have gone to. I did find some enjoyment there, and some release from my tension, but it of course it was just a drop of water.

At least I feel I'm facing reality now. Instead of mysterious crashes and depressions, I now simply break down into tears every now and then. I can be such a basket case!

Thank you (all) for your input.

Jenna

[Jenna2]

You've asked for suggestions, Jenna, and so I'm offering this to you again ~ as I'm not sure if you've read it yet. The following is taken from my article, Disenfranchised Grief: Mourning the Loss of a Dream.

Dear Marty,

Yes, I read this the first time you suggested it.

I have no doubts the dream WOULD have come true except for my own dysfunctionality. I just wasn't good enough for him, on many levels. I consider at least 95% responsible for the breakup.

He is a very "real" person; never very rich or ambitious, but very much wanting a "normal" life and with little time for dealing with peculiarities. I on the other hand was a damaged individual but hard working and eager to set the world on fire. Hypothetically, if we were to get back together now, I would just blow it all over again.

It has been a goal of mine since then to work through my (physical and psychological) issues and become the kind of woman who deserves a fine man like Ben. Not that I expect him to come back to me once I have done so; but if I can deal with my issues to that degree, I'll be a far better person than I was. I'm about 2/3 to 3/4 the way there.

I said it before and I'll say it again: I predict that we will be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime.

Jenna

[Jenna2]

Through a family member, My Paula was contacted by her first love too.

Under the guise of simply reaching out to her in dealing with her cancer and chemo,

he purported to being caring and concerned. A month later he was hitting on her,

suggesting clandestine meetings and hiding his correspondences from me.

Needless to say this caused a huge ripple in our peace and serenity while trying to care for My Paula

in her time of great need. Of course she declined, but he persisted in contacting her.

Not her fault or doings but the effects were the same. These unwarranted and unsolicited advances

troubled me greatly.

I only ask you to reconsider before interjecting yourself into that dynamic.

Would you really be content with "being just friends"?

Dear Chris,

No. I do realize I will never have all that I want. But "just friends" would be far better than simply knowing he's alive and living in Oklahoma (which is better than a week ago, when I didn't even have that).

"Just friends" is what he offered me years ago, but I was too stupid to agree to that.

I do have reservations about contacting him, but the biggest reservation is I don't want to make his life unpleasant by doing so. At this point his happiness is more important than mine (took me long enough to decide that!) and I'd rather go on hurting than hurt him.

When he dies, I hope I die not too long afterwards.

Below is an "undeliverable letter" I wrote to him before I knew he was still living and where. It's not the sort of letter I'd ever send him, but it does express how I feel.

Jenna

Dear, Dear, Ben,

As I write this letter I don't know where you are or if you're still alive. It was 30 years ago that you broke it off with me, but I am still very much in love with you. When we slept together you made me feel SO safe, so cared for, so protected. The perfect scene from my point of view.

I don't blame you for bailing out of our relationship; I was self-centered, at the time incapable of seeing needs past the end of my nose. From Asperger's Syndrome to genetic defects to having suffered various forms of child abuse, I was a damaged individual, both physically and mentally, incapable of giving a fine man such as you what he needs and deserves.

When you ended it I took it very hard. I cried myself to sleep for a solid week, and not too infrequently thereafter. I considered ending it all; to this day no one knows how close I really came. I went up to John and Carla's (where we first met) to get them to talk me out of it.

So I did what any girl would do in that situation: I threw myself into relationship after relationship and moved farther and farther away, hoping to forget. Even Thomas was only a substitute, and a poor one at that. (He and I are no longer together.)

Instead of forgetting you I only managed to put myself into denial. I developed a host of complaints, from amotivational syndrome to cyclic "crashes" where I would be incapable of doing even the simplest things.

That all changed on the night of April 3, 2013. I was in bed when I had the definite impression you had come to me in spirit form and started caressing me. It was very pleasant, but to this day I don't know if it was telepathy, some kind of astral walking on your part, or just simply my imagination. But at that point I knew -- my attempts to forget you and move on had failed, and that I would never find anyone whom I'd rather have than you.

Do you remember Yvonne Elliman's song, If I Can't Have You? That describes me exactly. "Elliman's Syndrome": severe, chronic, and completely incurable. I may from time to time find someone I can have a few laughs with, but I'll probably be celibate for the rest of my life. My heart will always belong to you.

If by some miracle I should find you again, and you still want me to stay out of your life, I will -- because in spite of all of the above, your needs are important to me. I had briefly considered stalking you after the breakup, just to be near you, but that would have been wrong. And I didn't want to be given a restraining order (not the good kind).

I do predict that someday we'll be together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime.

I wonder if you think of me from time to time.

In any case, I want you to be happy.

With everlasting love,

Jenna

[boogieman]

Jenna, it took courage to post your letter. Baring one's soul is difficult. I know.

I find that writing, or "journaling" helps me express

what I have no one else to say these things to.

A form of self-therapy I guess. It helps me sort through the tumult

and try to figure things out in my mind. At least I organize the chaos somewhat.

I write copiously every day sharing that which can not be spoken aloud.

I "talk" to My Paula in this manner. Not even close to the same as talking to her,

but the only option available.

Think about it, please.

[kayc]

I agree, it does take courage to bare one's soul. I truly hope that someday you'll find release from the torment that seems to have been abundant in your life. I know what it's like to come from dysfunction and how hard it is to overcome...how long it takes to deal with all of the residual issues. I hope someday you'll have peace and at least some degree of happiness. One day at a time.

[Jenna2]

Jenna, it took courage to post your letter. Baring one's soul is difficult. I know.

I find that writing, or "journaling" helps me express

what I have no one else to say these things to.

I have written a LOT on this forum, and one other forum. I've even taken to muttering things to myself when walking down the street (bad!) But I suppose even that is better than bottling my feelings up.

I am very agitated lately. I took a strong sleeping pill last night (a weak one wouldn't have worked), and that brought me a few hours of relief when I didn't have to think about anything. Sometimes I look forward to sleep that way. But when I woke up, I was feeling agitated again.

I have a big decision to make, and I'm afraid.

Jenna

[kayc]

I didn't sleep again last night, less than three hours, I wish I'd known it'd go like that or I'd have taken a sleep aid, but it doesn't give us advance notice. What is the decision you are mulling over?

[Jenna2]

What is the decision you are mulling over?

Whether or not to contact him of course. My head tells me no, it can only end in disaster; but my heart won't take that for an answer.

Jenna

[Jenna2]

As one expert in this field states, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity."

Hi Marty,

I "stole" this quote from Dr. Boss from another thread because it seemed to apply. I have a lot of ambiguity in my own situation.

Thank you for posting it.

Jenna

[Jenna2]

Well, I've decided. I'm going to write him an innocent sounding hi-how-are-you-let's-get-caught-up type letter. I've yet to compose it, but here are four potential responses I may get back, in order from the most to the least optimistic:

(1) I'm glad you wrote. The truth is, things have not been going too well here lately, and I've been thinking of you. If you ever get to Oklahoma or Michigan, I'd like to see you again.

(2) Nice to you to write me. Yes, I would like to exchange letters with you and stay caught up. Here's what's been happening with me lately ... .

(3) I have a stable life and responsibilities now, and under the circumstances, I think we shouldn't be in contact any more. Whatever we had is OVER.

(4) HOW DARE YOU!! It's a good thing I intercepted this letter before he saw it. I'm monitoring his mail, his e-mail, and the phone, and I guarantee he will never see anything you write. You leave me and my family ALONE.

I rejoice in the fact that he's still alive, but no one lives forever. If I do nothing at all he WILL die, then I will never know.

It's a dangerous game I'm playing, but I can't help myself. A girl has feelings.

Jenna

[MartyT]

Jenna, my dear, if I may say so, I respectfully disagree. Yes, you CAN help yourself. This is a choice you are making, and if you decide to follow through with it, I hope for your sake ~ and for the sake of all concerned ~ that at least you will take responsibility for whatever the consequences might be. (Consider, for example, how you might feel if someone from your husband's past wrote such a message to him. Can you put yourself in the shoes of this man's wife? Did you read what Chris described to you in an earlier post?) Do what you must, but please don't delude yourself into thinking that you cannot help yourself . . .

[Jenna2]

Well, it was bound to happen.

I've taken up drinking. Normally I don't tolerate liquor but I've found I tolerate rum quite well. It's a by-product of sugar manufacturing and I AM a sugar addict. Yo ho ho, me hearties.

I started to compose the letter to Ben. So far, all I have is a date, a salutation, and a closing, but it's a start. Like everything else related to this matter, it's not easy for me.

He is my soulmate. I must remember that. I knew him both 2 and 5 lifetimes ago. Maybe I'll meet him in the next lifetime. I hope. Someday, it will all be all right again.

I did him wrong. It wasn't my choice; but I was a damaged individual and not good enough for him. But I DO love him, and terribly.

The near future is out of my control. The only way I could have any kind of communication with him is if he is willing to. I can't MAKE that happen.

I fell asleep early in the evening, and woke up around 11:30 PM. It's now 3 AM and I'm still awake. I'm going to go back to bed and try to sleep. Hahahahaha.

Jenna

[mfh]

Well, Jenna,

It appears you are making you second bad decision...writing the letter and now "taking up drinking". I do hope you will decide differently...it IS all your choice. The "near future" IS within your control.

[Jenna2]

Jenna, my dear, if I may say so, I respectfully disagree. Yes, you CAN help yourself. This is a choice you are making, and if you decide to follow through with it, I hope for your sake ~ and for the sake of all concerned ~ that at least you will take responsibility for whatever the consequences might be. (Consider, for example, how you might feel if someone from your husband's past wrote such a message to him. Can you put yourself in the shoes of this man's wife? Did you read what Chris described to you in an earlier post?) Do what you must, but please don't delude yourself into thinking that you cannot help yourself . . .

Yeah, I am bad. It doesn't get any badder than that. Whatever adjectives you can think of for a bad girl, take the worst, and that's me.

Over thirty years ago, I was crying myself to sleep every night. When I learned to repress the hurt, I just went into denial, and ended up being depressed and having these "crashes". I now know these are better described as minor nervous breakdowns. I figure I've had about 18 of these that have lasted more than a day.

I've spent a decade working with therapists trying to analyze why I was such a mess. Now that I've peeled away the layers of denial, I'm back to where I was 30 years ago -- crying over the loss of a love I desperately needed.

What I want, I know I'm not going to get. But I'll take whatever I can.

And speaking of "my husband", back when I was married to Thomas, he divorced me when I wouldn't give him permission to sleep over at his girlfriend's. So don't talk to me about respecting the implied exclusivity of marriage!

Ben, I love you, wherever you are and whatever you're doing.

Jenna

EDIT: Yes, I did read what Chris wrote.

[kayc]

Jenna,

It sounds like you are making irresponsible choices. You refer to yourself as a "bad girl"...that is a label used to deflect responsibility. You are not a 'bad girl", you are making bad choices though. Out of respect for this man and his wife, I would let it go. If you innocently ran into each other it'd be different, but you are purposely seeking him out KNOWING full well that he is married. To say that YOU are his soulmate is showing complete and utter disregard for his wife, the person HE CHOSE to spend his life with...in other words, you are disrespecting HIM! If you're "his soulmate", how can you disrespect him? Perhaps you had a connection at one time, but he's chosen to move on from that.

Why not act like the responsible adult you can be? To hide behind medical conditions and even self-inflicted labels to dishonor someone else isn't honest.

In the matter of "taking up drinking"...same thing. Irresponsible choice that results in nothing positive. Why not dump the bottle down the sink and go do something positive today? There are many who could use someone caring in their lives...animal shelters that need dog walkers, elderly that could use a visit, others that could use a friend or cheering up, someone who could use a ride...look around, there are other things to live for besides this one man.

When my late husband was alive, if someone would have tried to come between us the way you want to insert yourself between this man and his wife...we would not have taken it lightly.

"Don't talk to me about respecting the implied exclusivity of marriage?"

Just because someone hurt you doesn't give you cause to hurt someone else! In fact, that'd be all the more reason NOT to! You know what that feels like, how then, could you utterly disregard the institution of marriage and hurt someone else? Someone you don't even know, someone this person you purport to care about chose to love for life!

I will talk to you however I deem right, if you don't like what we write, you have the choice not to read it. My intentions are for good, I'm sorry if that offends you. Sometimes on this forum we tell people what we feel they need to hear, even if it doesn't tickle their ears, because we care! It is not a "friend" that tells you only what you want to hear.

Yes, you can decide whatever you want to do, but we all have consequences for our choices, both good and bad, perhaps that's what some refer to as karma. Be careful.

[Jenna2]

First of all, I'd like to thank everyone for their input on this matter. While I have read and considered every word, including the links, I never had any doubt that in the end I must make the big decision myself.

Some of the biggest mistakes I've made in my life were when I would decide to do something and let another/others talk me out of it, only to find later I should have done that. Or when I would decide NOT to do something only to let another/others convince me to do it -- only to decide later I should not have.

"Letting go and moving on" is actually good advice, but the only problem I've had with it is that it never worked. "Running away" is something that hasn't worked either (although I've become very good at it).

Kayc, I've decided NOT to respond to your last post point-by-point. It would have put me in the position of trying to convince you that I'm right and trying to convince you that I ought to do this. (Like a salesman insisting on asking WHY DON'T you want to buy the product, and if you can't come with a reason not to, then "here, you can use my pen".) I value your advice, kayc. But I don't need your permission.

Where will this lead me? It all depends on what Ben wants to do about it. Someone else may be his wife, but I am still his soulmate. If that doesn't make sense to you, then no, I can't explain it.

Will I be successful? That depends how you define success. My ultimate goal is to meet up with him in the next lifetime and have the kind of life I wanted to have in this lifetime, only better. But in the short term, I'm not really expecting very much. An occaisional e-mail from him would be welcome. I realize even this is not "moral", but a girl can't help having feelings.

It's seems he's built a good life for himself, and I can't offer him anything better. If it makes him happier that I stay away, I will. But that remains to be seen.

I've written the letter, and just a few minutes ago, mailed it.

I'm going into the minefield. I'll keep y'all advised.

Jenna

[kayc]

I gave you my sound advice but you're right, you don't need my permission and you will do whatever you want. I wish you could have the happy ever after ending you're looking for but I'm afraid you're going down a path that won't end well. You're right not to try to convince me you're right, we're at a stalemate and need to let it go at that.