What Do I Do Now?

[Jenna2]

I wish I could have the "happily ever after" ending too, but as I made clear many times, I don't expect that to happen; at least not in this lifetime.

If nothing else, I'll worship him from afar.

Jenna

[boogieman]

Jenna," we all want what we want when we want it" in some shape or form.

I hope you are prepared for the results, either good or bad, of your actions.

Only you can decide what is best for you.

By sending your letter you have set things in motion with unknown potential long-term consequences.

I, we, sincerely hope you can deal with the repercussions.

I know first-hand that no matter how the letter were written, that it will be scrutinized carefully

including "reading between the lines" with negative interpretations by the reader(s).

Surely she knows by now his version of your common past.

Human nature will rear it head as his wife will defend "what is her's" despite your seemingly

innocuous tone, just as I did with My Paula.

In our case my suspicions were proven to be true.

I trusted My Paula, but I was right in my feeling that he had an ulterior motive.

Rejected certainly, but the hurt came from the unwelcomed, unwanted, unwarranted, unspoken solicitation.

Not "preaching", merely offering an observation and perspective based on a real-life scenario.

[Jenna2]

Chris, you're absolutely right, that letter will be scrutinized carefully, at least as carefully as I was when I wrote it.

As for the consequences? The consequences of not writing it is no contact at all and never knowing how it might have turned out. I only hope I don't hurt him in the process. Anything else I can deal with.

But even an occaisional e-mail from him -- perhaps recalling some of the things we did together -- would be delightful. I just thought of something today we did that was a lot of fun. Wierd, but a lot of fun.

And the long-term consequences? You mean, if it should go beyond e-mail? I would just have to play it by ear. Again, anything that would reduce the quality of his life would not be acceptable to me; even if the alternative was to stay out of his life altogether. (But of course I hope it doesn't come to that.)

Thank you for your input, Chris.

Jenna

(P.S. does this BBS have a PM feature?)

[boogieman]

By "long term consequences", how would feel or react if your action was the

catalyst to seperate him, his wife, and impact their child, destroy their family?

How about this causing them undue stress and harder times than otherwise would

naturally exist in almost any relationship?

I hope you don't have that in mind but it could happen. I have seen it before.

And what if he, or they, rightly or wrongly, blame you for that potential destruction?

Do you still hope, given that possibility, that he will still turn to you for solice?

What if all the above comes to pass? Where do you think you will "fit" in that scenario?

Please understand that I am not being critical. By your own admission you have made some

really bad choices and decisions in your past.

Without interfering or passing judgment, I am simply curious if you gave adequate thought

to these types of scenarios and the potential negative back-lash for you.

There are two others inocents involved, too, not just you and him.

Can you handle another rejection plus the unforseen possibilities?

None of us can see the future and others must be considered in bold moves such as yours.

If you have considered all this then good for you. If not, I wish the best for you

however it unfolds. Forgive my bluntness. I have no intent to offend.

I have no idea what "BBS" and "PM" stand for. Sorry

[Jenna2]

By "long term consequences", how would feel or react if your action was the

catalyst to seperate him, his wife, and impact their child, destroy their family?

How about this causing them undue stress and harder times than otherwise would

naturally exist in almost any relationship?

I hope you don't have that in mind but it could happen. I have seen it before.

If things were going in that direction, I would back off. His happiness is more important than my own, and I have no desire to do anything that will hurt him. Apparently she has given him a better life than I possibly can.

It is prophesied that the Jews will rebuild the Temple Of Solomon on it's original site. However, that site is now occupied by the Dome Of The Rock, one of Islam's most sacred places, and Jewish law forbids the destruction of a religious site. I heard someone on TV say, "maybe there'll be an earthquake", meaning an opportunity can present itself that does not involve an overt act of destruction. I'll never know until I take a look and see.

For me to stop now would be like getting a treasure map and then not digging for the treasure, or buying a winning lottery ticket and then not cashing it in. I didn't come all this way just as an academic exercise.

I do have one ace up my sleeve. If I should be so absolutely fortunate as to meet him in the next lifetime, then "everyone starts fresh" and I'll be able to, in theory, claim him for my own.

Please understand that I am not being critical.

No offense taken, Chris.

By your own admission you have made some really bad choices and decisions in your past.

My worst choices were trying to "move on" and get farther and farther away from Ben.

I have no idea what "BBS" and "PM" stand for. Sorry

BBS is Bulletin Board System (this web site) and PM is Private Message (from one member to another).

Jenna

[Jenna2]

Well, I guess y'all don't have to worry about me becoming an alcoholic. My bottle of rum (my first alcohol purchase this year from any type of seller) is sitting on my desk, still mostly full. I figure I have drunk about 5 ounces so far.

Just acknowledging to myself my everlasting, undying, eternal love for Ben has brought me the kind of peace I've been looking for for a long time. No more denial for me.

I woke up early this morning but stayed in bed. I fantasized about being with him, and enjoyed every minute. An imaginary lover is better than no lover at all. Call me delusional if you want; I no longer care.

Jenna

[Jenna2]

I wonder if all my support here has dried up. I seem to have gone from Poor Lonely Me to the Wicked Other Woman at warp speed. Mentioning the "M" word has that effect on people.

Marty, I said the near future is out of my control. I wasn't talking about my decision to mail the letter; what I was referring to was Ben's RESPONSE to that letter. As far as I'm concerned, the "near future" begins NOW.

I've looked at the possible outcomes to what I've done and here's what I estimate my chances to be:

2% Nadia intercepts the letter, never shows it to Ben, and writes me a nasty note back.

4% Nadia intercepts the letter, never shows it to Ben, and I never hear from either of them.

6% Ben sees the letter and doesn't respond at all.

15% Ben gets the letter and writes me back asking me not to write again.

15% One way or another we start an affair, which runs it's course.

55% Ben and I become pen pals and we exchange e-mails once a month, reminiscing about old times and talking about our (separate) new times. (This has the potential to escalate over time but like everything else it depends on what he wants to do about it.)

1% They have some sort of open relationship going on which enables me to join them.

1% He is dumping or has dumped her for reasons unrelated to myself which creates a "vacuum" for me to enter.

1% He dumps her in favor of me. I actually don't want this to happen, because such a thing would backfire sooner or later, hurting everybody. It's unlikely anyway, because he dumped me once, and he'd have to want me A LOT to forget all the negative things. With Asperger's Syndrome, Turner's Syndrome, and everything else, MY BEST JUST WASN'T GOOD ENOUGH. Besides, from what little I know, she's already given him a better life than I'm capable of.

If nothing else, I need some sort of closure on this matter. The first three on this list wouldn't even begin to give me that.

I have no illusions about the last three. While I do want him to be fully part of my life, it's just very unlikely that will ever happen (but I never know until I try). The most likely outcome is to become "e-mail pals" with him, but if that's as much of him as I can have, I'll take it.

Jenna

[kayc]

I haven't read your letter so can't comment on it. As far as what I think your chances are 55% seems like wishful thinking.

What do you want support for? I've been cheated on, I'm not going to support someone interloping on someone else's marriage. I wish well for you, I wish you could get therapy that would help you, but whatever you need is beyond my ability as I do not have the necessary schooling. It's hard to get the in depth therapy needed from an on line support group. This is a place where we encourage, advise, comfort. I can't encourage something against my morals. You didn't regard my advice so I don't have much else to say. If I said any more you'd not likely receive it. We've all tried to comfot you in your loss, but beyond that, I don't know what more we can do.

[MartyT]

Jenna, you said, “I wonder if all my support here has dried up.” While our mission here is to offer information, comfort and support to anyone who is anticipating or coping with significant loss, we do our best not to support anything that could bring harm to yourself or to others. In spite of whatever has been suggested to you here, it seems to me that you’ve chosen a path that is fraught with danger ~ not only to yourself, but to others as well, regardless of the consequences.

In our efforts to dissuade you, I think we’ve done our best to warn you of the possible consequences and the risks you are taking by proceeding with your plans, but you’ve chosen to ignore all of those warnings. That is your choice, but in good conscience I cannot support you in that choice, and I doubt very much if our other members can support you either. Perhaps, then, it is time for you to look elsewhere for the sort of support you are seeking.

[mfh]

Jenna, when I read your post earlier about your support drying up, my immediate response was that I can not and will not support choices that are clearly not in the best interest of you or those you are involving by mailing the letter. This is not a place to seek support for choices that can potentially cause harm to someone who is an innocent bystander. The vast amount of energy you have and are expending on this could perhaps better be spent on getting into some counseling that would help you make healthier and more caring choices for yourself.

[Jenna2]

Fine. You're all against me. I'm outta here, then.

Perhaps I'll visit from time to time to give an update; but I'll no longer look here for support.

Counseling hasn't worked.

This is as real as life gets. Like I said, into the minefield.

Jenna

[kayc]

Against you? No, against what you just did maybe, but not against you. Is this how you respond when others don't agree with you? You have to heed counseling for it to work. I wish you well...

[Jenna2]

Well, I said I'd keep you updated and here is my update.

It's been FOUR WEEKS since I mailed the letter and I haven't heard anything back from Ben. The most likely explanation for this is he doesn't even care enough to write me back even to say not to contact him any more.

It's also been ONE YEAR since the spiritual "visitation" that started this. I figured that means maybe he DOES have some residual feelings for me after all; but now that seems to not be the case. I wouldn't have taken it this far if I didn't think that perhaps he was trying to find me too.

I knew all along that he had to have SOME wish to contact me (before seeing my letter) for this project have a chance of success at all; after all, he dumped me, and if he hasn't changed his basic opinion of me, then he isn't going to want me back on any level.

I'd cut off my ear or build another Taj Mahal if that would bring him back but the fact is there's NOTHING I can do to get him into my life again. My best hope now is be to meet him in the next lifetime, hopefully being near to him geographically, of similar age, and of opposite gender.

I've been using a lot of "I wish I could" statements lately, as in, "I wish I could be with him". That both expresses the intensity of my desire and the relative impossibility of achieving same. How about just letting him go? I've tried. If it hasn't happened in all these decades, then it's just not going to happen.

I really did try to get over him. I followed all the best therapist/traditional advice, trying to get on in life with someone else. All my efforts did for me was put me into denial, accompanied by repeated "crashes" and depressions that I had no explanation for. Now that I'm facing reality I don't get (very) depressed any more. I'm merely in emotional pain.

A few weeks ago, I tried to analyze what it is I really wanted from him. I decided there are three parts to that:

* Company/companionship. This is relatively easy to find; even when my landlord and I go food shopping together at least I'm not alone.

* Fun/enjoyment. Only two others were able to make me feel the way Ben could; one died after our third date, and the other one only wanted me for a "temporary" GF while his regular GF was away. (There's a chance I could find someone else who can do this.)

* Ben himself. Even if we were never to see each other face-to-face again, his writing to me once in a while would provide the communication with HIM that I crave. This cannot be substituted for. (I told my aunt about all this, and she said, "It would be nice to get a letter from him once in a while". At least SHE gets it, even if no one on this forum does.)

If I can't be part of Ben's life, then I at least hope he's happy, and if Nadia can do that for him, then I hope she does, and does so well. I was (and still am) dysfunctional in many ways. I was never good enough for him, and therefore, never deserved him.

But I will always love him, even if I get nothing back in return; except perhaps in my fantasies. I won't get married again. And this is the way it has to be for the rest of my life.

As I have said before, I predict that Ben and I will get back together again, we will enjoy each other's company, and we will be happy. But I also predict that will not be in this lifetime.

To Chris: you were the only one to comment on my plan neutrally, telling me what might happen if I do this, rather than proscriptively, asserting that I would totally WRONG to even think of doing this. Thank you for that. May I suggest an additional source of online support: www.takethislife.com , where you can register for the depression forum. If you do register there under the name Boogieman, I'll send you a private message (apparently I can't do that on this here) and share some thoughts with you.

Jenna

[kayc]

Jenna,

There is a message system in place on this site. I use it frequently.

Apparently you write off anyone who disagrees with you so I don't see the point in continuing to respond, but I have tried.

I do "get" that you want to hear from Ben, I just don't see that it'd be healthy for his marital relationship. Apparently that's his view as well.

I think you've fixated on him so much that it's prohibiting your getting over him. I've been through breakups and know it can take a great deal of time and effort to heal and move on, but it can be done. I wouldn't write off therapy even though you say it "doesn't work". Perhaps it's you that has deterred it from having success.

If you've found another website that is more helpful to you, more power to you, I don't think that warrants your trying to shift this website's members to it.

Again, good luck!

[feralfae]

Wow, I just read this thread, and I send {{{HUGS}}} to everyone who has held Jenna through this time of temptation and some pretty unfortunate decisions. Chris, Bravo! Marty, I liked your words and the links, and of course Mary and Kay hold the line on reality and making decisions that work against us.

Jenna, you come from a broken background, and so making decisions that help you to live a healthy and happy life is not so easy as for people who have been shown better ways to make helpful and healthful decisions. Don't give up on yourself, though. If you read this, try to find a really good counselor who listens and asks questions that help you to think through decisions that you are considering. I have been helped so much by everyone here who has cared about me enough to offer some words of wisdom. I know I would not be as healthy as I am today without the input from so many people here.

Jenna, we don't get to look out at the new life through the open window until we are willing to walk through and close the door on the other side of our days. It is very hard and takes a lot of faith. I know all or most of us here have had to wrestle with decisions based on having Faith in ourselves and also Faith in those who truly love and care about us. No one here has anything to win by being honest and caring. Truly. We are just a bunch of grieving people who huddle together around this fire that Marty started and Mary helps to keep going. We have become a Tribe here, and the membership shifts as our individual situations shift.

But here is my two cents worth, and then I have nothing else to say:

I think you will check back here and maybe read this. I hope so. You are a wonderful spirit caught in some bad habits that keep you chained to a past that has been gone a long time. You have come to believe that if you close the door, and let go of the doorknob, that you might not live. You will live, and slowly, over some time while you are getting some loving support, compassion, caring, lovingkindness, and counseling, something will shift, and you will be able to begin taking tiny steps across the room toward the window. And you will finally pull back the drapes, open the window, and maybe for the first time in your life, you will breathe the sweet air of freedom from all that has kept you trapped in the past.

Truly, it works. Give yourself --the most important person in your life -- all the love and care, all the help and counseling, that you need. Marty or Mary may have some more reading to suggest to you. They really know their stuff. They have a lot of love and compassion. Give it a try.

You could be free of the past and looking forward to a happier and healthier life before you know it. You are worth the care and counseling. And, let yourself grieve the past, and all the dreams that are gone. It hurts a lot and takes courage and discipline, but it is also worth it for you.

Okay, that is all I have to type. I wish you a wonderful, open, bright, and happy future.

Blessings to you.

fae

[Jenna2]

(The first time I posted this it disappeared. Perhaps I didn't click on the right button or something.)

I stand by all the recent decisions I made. He hasn't encouraged me in any way, but if he had, I would have responded, and without apology (perhaps not an "affair", but with warmth and friendship).

But he hasn't. He didn't even care enough to write back to say don't contact him anymore. Perhaps he expected some duplicity on my part and decided the best contact was absolutely no contact at all. In any case, one letter after 25 years can hardly be considered harassment.

I still don't know if the "visitation" a year ago was the real thing or just my imagination, but it made me wonder if perhaps he wanted to find me too. My major goal has always been, FIND OUT, one way or the other. I guess now I know.

Strangely, I feel somewhat better now. Not satisfied, but not frantic about it either. I do still get depressed sometimes, but the "what if" is gone. Perhaps I'll write him another "undeliverable letter".

On a scale of 0 to 100, Ben was a 100, Lenny was a 90, and Fred was a 70. Everyone else was a 30 at best, and I may never find someone above 50 again. I have some particularly uncommon interests and anyone who doesn't share those interests would be no more than a 20.

Fae, I appreciate your kind attitude, but I don't think I've made any wrong decisions, except for taking up drinking (that lasted an entire day!) and perhaps waiting so long to proceed with this.

And kayc, I think you have been unnecessarily hurtful and critical. You say I should "heed" the counselors but that's what I have been doing, following all their advice. If it backfired, that wasn't because of my not trying. Also you assert that you can say anything you want to me on this forum but when I suggest that Chris seek additional support on another forum you say I don't have the right to say that.

Not that it's anyone's business, but I've made an appointment with my shrink for Monday. I also want to upgrade my appearance so I'm seeing a fashion consultant. But whatever you think about that, I don't want to hear it. I'm sick of being judged.

There's not one of you out there who wouldn't give a tooth or a toe for a letter from your dearly departed (if only it were possible) and you know it. My situation is a bit different; I saw my opportunity and I took it. I went into the minefield, and exited unscathed, although I couldn't cross to the other side. Red light!

Jenna

[kayc]

I'm sorry you feel that way, Jenna. I don't agree with your assessment of me or my intentions, but it is what it is.

I am glad for you that you're feeling a little more peaceful about everything and I hope you get some help with your "shrink". I have been here for you for months, listening, caring, responding, but because we don't agree, you're very angry with me. You made your decisions based on what you wanted rather than what anyone advised. I hardly think you can compare that with our "dearly departeds", but I do know your feelings are very strong for Ben. I have learned in my life that if I don't have a moral compass and boundaries to govern myself by, it can lead to problems.

I know it must have hurt a great deal when Ben didn't respond...that is part of what I hoped to spare you. You don't need to defend yourself to me and the fact that you are so angry suggests that you perhaps put more stock by what we've said than you admit.

I wish you the best in your upcoming session/s with your therapist, I sincerely mean that.

[MartyT]

Dear Jenna,

Your post disappeared because I removed it, along with two responses posted shortly afterward.

Our “ground rules” clearly state that

• Messages will be monitored for accuracy, honesty and appropriateness, and we reserve the right to remove immediately and without warning any posting deemed to be inaccurate, untruthful, repetitive, inappropriate, objectionable, insulting, disrespectful or intolerant of another's loss or point of view.

· Disagreements are acceptable, but our visitors are expected to treat one another with all the dignity, respect and caring we all deserve.

I have chosen to let your posts stand, Jenna, because I think others can learn from your experience. However, you have made it quite clear that whatever our members have to offer you is not acceptable to you, and so I encourage you to look elsewhere for the sort of approval and support you are seeking. You've made your position quite clear to all of us, and I see no need for you to continue using our site to make your case.

[mfh]

Marty, Thank you for your post. You know I agree with you and I suspect other members do also.

Jenna,

I have read your posts and yes, I have disagreed with your decisions and said so. I, like others have tried to share our opinions as you asked and have done that with care. I must say that your participation here is something I have not witnessed here before. This site has, in the almost four years I have been involved, been a place of loving support, gratitude, kindness, and warm acceptance of all members. We do not all think alike but we share graciously, kindness and gratitude for the others' opinions. However, when members here disagreed with you, your anger and criticism seeped right through your words into the hearts of other members who are in deep pain already. People here have been attempting to help you when you asked for help and in return you have, in my opinion, treated them poorly. Your latest post about our "recently departed" had a particularly hurtful energy. I felt it having recently lost my own husband and having just honored the 4 year anniversary of that loss. I am certain others felt it also. It is not just words but the energy behind them that is felt. I, and I suspect other members, will be happy to see you find what you are looking for at some other site. This site is clearly not a place that can meet whatever needs you have and you are clearly not reaching out to the vast majority of members with the love and sensitivity the people here cherish and share.

I wish you the best in your future,

Mary