Boyfriend's Mom Died A Month Ago? Your Opinion And Or Advice Neede

[tiffany363]

We are both 21 years olds, in college and are pretty serious. Just a little history, a year and a half ago my boyfriend broke up with me for ludicrous reasons. We didn't speak for three months until he found out his mom had cancer and came back to me realizing that I was the only one who supported him. He apologized for all of our flaws and his mistake and wanted to get back together, being the real deal. For the art year and a half our relationship has been what I have dreamed of. Never fighting and has been an extremely mature relationship.

My boyfriend of three years mom died of cancer a month ago. My boyfriend had seemed to be handling it ok but I knew after the funeral it would really set in. All he can say to me is how confused and lost he is right now and just wants to spend time by himself. I respect his need to have space and have been really good at giving him that. I have been a good listener and letting him come to me when he wants to. It's hard not to take his actions personal. I have never been in his situation before and im always scared that he wants to break up.

We went with seeing each other once a week and talking every few days when he contacted me. Last week he started questioning everything from our relationship to his career path. Saying that sometimes he feels from society he is too young to be in a serious relationship but doesn't agree with that (makes no sense). He brought up our relationship and i had suggested us to take a break due to him saying it was stressing him out ( he always feels like I get hurt when he can't give me attention when i ALWAYS tell him I'm totally fine) and he definitely freaked out saying "I mean a lot to him", "couldn't imagine if something happened to me", and that he "doesn't want to go through another break up with me". This was very reassuring.

He said he feels really numb about everything and was alarmed because he doesn't feel affectionate towards me right now and when I tell him I love him it makes him feel really uncomfortable, he says he feels pain when I say that.
I told him that feeling like this is very normal because you're grieving and I'm one of the closest people to you and that this feeling is not forever. And that it's normal to start doubting everything in your life, because you're grieving... but this is just a temporary feeling. Is it normal for one to feel like this to their bf/gf? I'm trying really hard to help him :/

He is now really despressed and says he is using self help books to help him get through problems he has always had with his dad and older brother (who he lives with and does NOT get along with). The past few days he says he didn't want to talk or see anyone because he didn't care.

Any words of advice? and I don't want any answers that say I'm being selfish. I have been a great girlfriend during his time of grief and have worked with him. I'm just a little concerned at the end of the day what all these might mean.

I know 1 month of grieving is nothing and grieving can take years, but when will he not be so isolated and want to have my company more?


Thank you

[kayc]

Hi, I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You sound very mature and intuitive and have been such a good support to your BF.

There is no answer to your quwestion "when". There is no way anyone can predict what will happen. I would highly suggest that he see a grief counselor to help him through this time. Everything he is feeling/experiencing is normal for grief, and you're right, a month is just the start of it. That's why it's so important to hav3e a professional that is trained in it to help him through the maize.

It can take a few years to find your "new normal" but everyone is different. Understand that the BF you knew "before" will never be the same again but he will likely regain a lot of who he was, yet some things will change too. I have had many losses and after losing my husband nearly nine years ago, I have gone through quite a journey of self discovery, and my life is not the same. 21 is very young to have to lose your mom.

You are wise to take your cues from him and give him the space that he needs and be a support to him. It's very complicated why he doesn't feel affectionate right now, a grief counselor could help him understand it better.

Right now I would not "hope" for more or anything different because you can't control what will happen, not even with all of the most understanding responses. Your best bet would be to focus on you, even as he does on himself, and spend time with your friends/family, keep busy, immerse yourself in interests, be the best person you can be. In time he may return to you...but he may not. It's weird how everyone reacts to grief so differently.

[mfh]

Dear Tiffany,

I am so sorry this is happening in your relationship. Grief is so unique to each person that no one can predict exactly what course it will take. Kay's response is solid and wise and I urge you to trust her message. I can add that your boyfriend is most likely super sensitive right now and will know easily and quickly if he feels expectations or pressure. The way you are dealing with this to date sounds very sound and caring. I do urge you to be available but focus on your own life right now. Perhaps take up some new interest that will give you something to be excited about as you watch and see how this will go. You said he is depressed but he may or may not be depressed. Many signs of depression are also those of grieving. Grieving can look like depression but usually it is not. Patience is your key right now. Again I am so sorry.

[tiffany363]

Thank you both for your insight. It is greatly appreciated. My boyfriend has always had a bad relationship with his dad and older brother (who are best friends) and was closer to his mom. Now that his mom has passed, the brother is in the process of moving out and it will just be my boyfriend and his dad at the house. Talk about a huge change. My boyfriend has just been very monotone with my and dry. He still asks me to hang out once a week and always wants to hold my hand or get a hug, but nothing more. I'm trying to figure out what stage he is in. I think he is passed the numbness stage/shock stage, recently he has hung out with his best guy friend (first time hanging out with a friend since the death). Which I saw as a positive sign. About a week ago he spoke of how he is becoming more religious and knows he needs to accept what has happened. But then he has his bad days and goes MIA. What stage do you think he is at?

[tiffany363]

Kayc if you don't mind me asking, what is your story?


Another thing I am struggling with is searching for positive stories on the internet. On the internet and on here, I only hear of bad endings. I would like to hear about people who have been in this situation and HAVE gone through it and survived as a couple. I have also found from doing my research that most people who have lost a partner due to a death where a lot older, in there 30's-50's. I'm not really sure why that is but maybe because if you have a BF/GF at that age and lose a parent.. the grief might hit you harder because you are at that point in your life where you should have a spouse, a good career, a family.. aka a support system... your life set up. So people who run from relationships from grief might be in a middle of a mid life crisis. I dont know though, just my observation.

[kayc]

I lost my husband, George, to death nearly nine years ago.

I remarried, to John, and that was a disaster, it didn't last long.

I was then engaged to Jim, and lost him when his mom was dying.

Since then I decided to go it alone. Out of all of my relationships, George is the only one who truly loved me and got me. Time/actions let me know the others hadn't.

As far as breakup due to someone losing a parent, I find age has no limits. Losing your spouse to death, though, naturally most will be older as life spans dictate...however, it can and does happen at any age.

There has been a positive ending for some (breakup due to grief) but you're right, not a lot. You'd have to go all the way back through this section and read the stories to find it/them. I have read all of the threads, but do not recall who/when it was.

I consider mine and Jim's ending positive NOW, but it didn't feel like it at the time...we are friends and talk about every other day. I shudder to think what if I'd married him and something happened and he just dumped me! I feel I'm better off alone.

[mfh]

Hi Kay, I was just reading your response and the first link you have in it does not work properly i.e. it takes you to a page that I am sure is not where you want the reader to go.

I believe I came aboard here shortly after your breakup with Jim and was mostly out of it the first year so this is the first time I have really read your story. Thank you for sharing it again.

Mary

[kayc]

Apparently only I can view the results, so I changed it to a couple of early posts after George died. (I'm not sure why it won't let me share the search results, I've done it before.)

[tiffany363]

Well I'm pretty sure we are broken up. He called me today out of no where saying that the next two weeks he needs times to find out how to 'help himself' and he might not want a relationship with me at the end of those two weeks. He said that he needs to grow in life and he doesn't know if he can do that while being in a relationship but didnt want to break it off now and will tell me in a few weeks. I was upset. I can tell he is not at a good state because his logic was off the walls. I think this is all bull. We had a bad break up a year and a half ago and didnt talk for three months until he found out his mom had cancer and came back to me saying he made a mistake in breaking up with me because he realized im the only one who has ever supported him and understood him, besides his mom (which I sadly was). Ever since then our relationship has been a dream come true and i was always there for him when things were bad with his mom. Now he is saying that he doesnt know if he was ever in our relationship for the right reasons, like I just was a safe haven for his unresolved personal problems... Right before she passed and even a little after he was telling me a lot of how much he loved me, and how thankful he is to have me in his life for support and ect. But now, he said things have sunk in and he is ignoring everyone in is family, friends, doesnt want to talk to anyone and is 'unattracted' to me. These are things I have sadly have heard before when he broke up with me before because he had 'identity issues'. But even though im 'the best person he has ever met in his life' and that 'i make him want to be a better man everyday' he doesnt want to have a relationship with me or at least doesnt think he can. He says he doesnt even remember the past few weeks saying its all a blur and doesnt remember all the nice things he has said to me. Im not too upset-- he always runs away when things get bad in his life and my friends keep telling me how wrong that is... im starting to think theyre right.

[kayc]

Tiffany,

I'm sorry. All you can do is wait and see what he does in a few weeks to know for sure. This is so unfair! It feels like he used you to get through his personal crisis. Now to heck with YOU? That's wrong! But it seems this is a pattern for some people when they are grieving. I have had many losses in my life and have never done this to anyone, so I know this is not how everyone grieving responds, but it seems to happen enough that it is a common response for some.

I hope you will focus on YOU and spend time with family/friends, take a new class/hobby, etc. It helps to keep busy, but only to a point, you will find yourself grieving the relationship and all that you knew to be true. You will have to work at getting enough sleep, that will be hard for a while. Maybe do what you can to relax, meditation, bedtime routine, limit caffeine, esp. in evening. If it gets real bad, perhaps even see a doctor for sleeping pills, request nonaddictive. I took Trazadone but not all the time, mostly because I commuted 100 miles/day to work and didn't want to fall asleep at the wheel.

[tiffany363]

I just don't know if this is temporary or normal or what. I don't know if he just needs more time (more than I have gave him). I just feel really lost right now. I'm scared I wont hear back from him for months

[mfh]

Dear Tiffany, as Kay said so well...it is not good for you to sit and focus on this. Taking care of yourself and getting involved in something -perhaps volunteering somewhere might be good. If you find yourself unable to do this, I urge you to seek out some counseling to assist you and help you as you walk through these unknowns.

Mary

[Topz91]

Hello, Im very sorry to hear your going through this as I myself am going through something very similar right now as well. My ex lost her brother in May of last year and it seems your bf's actions are similar to the steps that me and her went through. After her brother died she was very attached to me, wanted me around all the time. Months go by and she needs her space so I gave it to her as you did your bf. Then out of nowhere she wanted a break, then we were broke up, then she didnt love me anymore. All happens so fast and is very difficult to cope with and still is. I may not have all the great advice Kayc and some others who respond regularly have but coming from someone in that same world of hurt you may be in at this exact moment is..spend as much time with friends and family as possible. Do things you enjoy, try and maybe plan a vacation with friends so you have something to look forward to. (I just planned a cruise with some friends today and its made the day a little brighter having that to look forward to!) Its been 3 months since Ive seen my ex. Not a day has gone by that I havent thought of her and missed her and it really hasnt been any easier than day 1 of trying to let her go. There are better days than others were you may think of your ex but not be as sad, but overall...it sucks. But filling your schedule with things you like to do does help somewhat. The gym has really helped me out alot, something to do everyday and it makes you feel better about yourself. I wish you the best.

[kayc]

Topz91 gave good advice. Yes, apparently this is very normal. Understanding, of course, that everyone handles grief differently. Mary reiterated what I said in a private message to you, to focus on yourself, spend time with family/friends. He very well may come around to being friends with time like my Jim has, but not everyone responds the same. Every time you think of him, realize he thinks of you too, but he is confused and empty right now, unable to give anything to a relationship. As hard as it is for us, it's harder for them.

[hyacinth]

Hi,

I am sorry to hear of your struggles. It is a terrible feeling, my heart goes out to you. I am in the same boat as Topz91… haven't seen my ex since beginning of December when he broke up with me. I have read that grief is a monster and I believe this to be true. It is hard to think straight when you lose a parent, I made terrible decisions after I lost my Dad...

I know your heart is broken and that is a dreadful feeling. I don't want to mislead you, but I was hopeful for the first few months after our breakup and that helped me manage, the breakup and the thought of never seeing him again was too much for me to bear at the very beginning, it was all just too overwhelming… take this whole mess as you can handle it, piece by piece, and as time passes if you don't have your desired outcome you will know when it is time to move on.

Make sure you get enough sleep. Lack of sleep makes everything worse for me… Exercise has helped me a ton as well.

Take good care.

[kayc]

Well put, Hyacinth. And everyone has their own time frame of when that is. I just hate to see people sitting around waiting for them to call, it seems it puts off the healing process. It's hard no matter how you handle it.