The Loss Of Lilly Revisited

[mik]

Hello again All...I seem to come back to this site again and again. I have had an experience I wish to share and it is my hope that others too may have felt similar reactions over the loss of a pet and will share their feeling with me and how they coped. I lost my cat Lillypuss in November of this past year. I thought that I had grieved her loss..I had viewed her pictures, cried, mourned for days following her passing. She was the child I never had, never have I bonded to a pet in this way. (I did have Lilly when I lost Dragon, my partner and she was a great source of comfort) I thought I had gotten to the point where I accepted it and moved forward. Fast forward to January...I moved from my parent's home to a new place not far from where I live now. I recently came back home for four days to stay with my parents to help out. Its March, and finally spring is here...Monday..a beautiful day, I am outside on the front porch enjoying the sunshine...I look at the apple tree in the yard and remembered how Lilly loved to sit up in the branches of the tree. Every bit of grief that I experienced came back in full force. It was as though her death happened yesterday! I sat there crying and my Dad asked me what was wrong? I told him and he said I should have been over it by now. Now I don't blame my dad for what he said, that's just him,, but I did begin to question why the grief was so strong? I am sure my memory of her sparked the feeling..but it went on for two days...I just would cry at the thought of her. I could not go outdoors on the porch or in the yard without crying like some silly fool who just can't seem to get over this. I have no desire for a new pet..even though I can have one. I only want Lilly...It's rediculouse for a 52 year old women to say that I want my cat back..and cry about it. Logic says that I cannot, she has passed on, but I feel like a spoiled kid expressing what I wish for. I am wondering..has anyone else felt this type of reoccurring grief...as though you were experiencing the loss for the first time?

Mik (Kim)

[MartyT]

My dear Kim, I can assure you that "aftershock" experiences such as you describe are normal, normal, normal. Besides, it's only been four months since your beloved Lilly died. Four months! It is only natural that you'd be vulnerable to a trigger such as this, and it surely can feel as if you're right back at the foot of the mountain you thought you'd already climbed. (I think of it more as climbing a gigantic sand dune: one step up, three steps back ~ and sometimes all the way back down.)

I hope others will share similar experiences with you. Meanwhile, this article may help to clarify: Tips for Coping with Anniversary Reactions in Grief ♥

[mik]

Thank you Marty. I did read and I saved the link you provided. I seem to think that once I have grieved, that it is over. I still have to learn the art of accepting that it will be a part of my life from the moment it occurred until my own demise. I always seem to worry that my feelings are abnormal, because I may or may not feel the way others do. I had not realized before, how infected I am with the notion of "normal." I tend to think there is always something wrong with me. It is reassuring to know that I am not losing my mind and that all of this is a normal process....there it is again...oh hell, even if it is not the norm, it is how I am feeling, and I know in my heart that I will continue to work through this. Thanks for listening...and giving me a great resource once again!

Kim

[Kacy]

Hi Kim,

I can relate to your experience with grief suddenly hitting again. I think that there will always be things that trigger memories of Lilly - something like a change of season or situation where you might remember something that you hadn't thought of before. I lost one of my dogs in November of 2011. The following Spring when the snow had melted and I was outside cleaning up the flower gardens, I found an old tennis ball that belonged to Cody. It just broke my heart to think of how he would be so excited and happy just to have someone spend some time throwing that old tennis ball, and he would play that game forever. It reminded me of how active and friendly a dog he was and made me miss him all over again. I hated that he got old and sick and his body just gave out. So many people seem to be able to think of memories of their animals with such a good feeling (there's that "normal" thinking again!) and I just don't seem to be able to do that. I only seem to have sad feelings when I think about them.

Today is the 4th anniversary of another dog of mine's death. She had kidney disease and had a really rough couple of months. Then, she seemed to be doing much better - almost back to normal. I remember one day in October before she died - the leaves had changed colors and the sun was shining. She was outside in the yard and I called her to come in. She looked at me when I called her name and just stood there a minute. For some reason, I thought to myself "you need to keep this picture in your mind because you will never see this again" - just her standing by a big oak tree with orange and yellow leaves and the sun shining down. It wasn't long after that she started going downhill and we ended up losing her on this date - March 13, 2010. There are times when I look out in the yard and that memory just hits me again and I just feel so sad that she is gone.

And just one other thought. I, too, can't seem to accept that my little Lucy, who we lost last month, is gone. I am angry and sad and feel like you do - I just want my little girl back. Now, I'm a few years older than you and also feel like a child who wants her own way, but that's how I feel. I have other dogs who I love dearly, and probably equally as well, but I want Lucy back - and I'm frustrated that I can't have her back. I'm kind of mad at the world actually. My husband has basically accepted that Lucy is gone and my kids and everyone feel like I should be "over it" by now, but I'm not.

I don't know how many it takes to make a "normal", but at least there are two of us - so maybe that's enough! I'm so sorry for your loss. I truly feel that losing a pet can be worse than losing a relative or friend because they are more like our children.

Kacy

[mik]

Thank you Kacy!

I can't tell you how it feels to find someone who feels as I do. I am truly grateful to you for sharing your experience. It's so hard to see the beauty of springtime and remember those we have lost..both human and fuzzy. I suspect that I link my feelings of Lillypuss to my previous loss two years prior, and I am still grieving for him as well. I have moved forward and sometimes it's easy to think that all is in the past...until the feelings hit you again. Scary and unexpected, but in the future, I will prepare for them and know that it is indeed "normal". I am so sorry for your loss as well. I hope that we both can one day find joy in the memories of those we loved and cherished.

[Kacy]

Thank you, Kim, for your kind words as well. I had one other thought I forgot to mention. At least for me, I find that as I've gotten older and my life has slowed down a lot, that I seem to focus much more on my dogs than in the past when we always seemed to be rushing here or there. So, I find not only am I more attached to these dogs, but I seem to maybe miss them even more when they are gone because of the fact that my life just is not as busy as it used to be. Plus, I honestly feel like I'm realizing how important they are to me and how big a part of my life they are.

We just need to remember that however we feel is okay. We don't need someone's permission to mourn for an animal that we loved, and if they don't understand that, then too bad!

Kacy

[enna]

Dear Kim,

I know about those 'grief bursts'. I am so sorry that you are experiencing that pain. My loss of my Benji (a Shipperke/Poodle) is too fresh for me right now to have sudden attacks of grief because each day is a challenge just to get through it. I had the joy of my Benji for only a year and that year was filled with intense love.

I think that when we can experience a love so strong it only says that we are caring human beings. Our feelings and reactions are very 'normal'.

Right now, we mourn and feel sad but there are moments of happiness when we recall a fun time we had with our pet.

Those times may come to you later, Kacy. I understand what you mean when you say how important of a role your pets have played in your life.

Anne

[kayc]

Of course this is normal, and common! I still mourn my beloved Skyedogers, he was my granddoggy and passed a few months ago. It's never easy getting over a beloved pet and some are closer to us than others, some are just irreplaceable.

One death often stirs up feelings from a former death, so don't be surprised if it compounds. Anything can stir up the memory and seem to come out of nowhere at any time.

It seems death is bittersweet in that we grieve the loss of them, but we still have the memories of good times with them as well.

[Leftover]

mik- I have written in another thread about my dog Kylie, so I won't bore you with the details here but I can tell you that even after a year, there are times that catch me off guard and the pain of the loss of my pretty girl is as fresh as the day we had to say goodbye. I don't know that I expect to see light at the end of this tunnel anytime soon.