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Dealing With A Partners Grief

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I just realized she might read this looking for direction on her own, and although my thread was a quest for direction to help my dearest love grieve, I do not want my pseudo selfish insecurities to weigh on her. That would be wrong, and stupid. Thus, the edit.

Thank you for your reply Enna, I have come to see what you have written as true. to those who may happen upon this thread in similar situations, the greatest piece of clarity I have had that helped me was in defeating the self preservation complex. or simply, getting over myself. Now, I feel as much in a place of calm as possible, and know that what she needs is what she shows. That as painful as it is, there is nothing to be done except persevere. The insecurities still exist, and they likely will for some time. But I have found a place of confidence, where I can be her rock, as she wants, when she wants, and however she wants. The deep sadness that I feel for her pain is unbearable, but that is my burden. This burden is also what drives me to see her well, and to do it right.

I am trying to embrace reality, and accept that she will grieve as she must, and I will (painfully) stand by, even if it is at a distance both by her will, and by our geography.

I may return to this thread, as things develop, as I certainly found great comfort in writing the initial post, and reading your reply.

thank you

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I am sorry that you are going through this confusion right now.

I hear what you are saying about the love you have for one another.

The person you love has just gone through a very traumatic event in her life. It matters not that her father suffered health issues. You mentioned that they were quite close. This is enough to send her into deep shock. Her focus is on that right now. She will need time and understanding for as long as it takes.

I know that you would like to help her but right now she has to deal with her grief in her own way. She is not turning away from you. She is focusing on her grief.

All her energy is going into the events that will happen in the next weeks.

If you want to go up for the service is there someone else who can contact you? Your partner is dealing with things moment to moment and not thinking of anyone but herself and those around her. She may be concerned with her mother or siblings or grandparents. There is just so much to do during this time.

Be patient with her and know that her responses to you are not personal.


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  • 2 weeks later...

I am sorry you felt the need to edit your post. It's been a couple of weeks...are you here reading?

There are a number of others who have gone through similar experiences in "loss of love" section, most of those ended in break ups when they were not married, but not all of them. Some of the advice given in that section would be very helpful to you in yours. Know it is not you, but it affects you. You may be feeling loss yourself as you feel shut out. Try to focus on family and friends if she needs a break for a while, and keep busy. Try not to worry about tomorrow, stay in the moment, and not "borrow trouble." Sometimes the things we worry about most don't come to pass or turn out okay after all. As Anne, said, her responses are not personal. She is undoubtedly unable to think, and just coping with today is overwhelming. She needs your patience. During this time you can preserve what you have best by no relationship talk, which can cause her to feel pressure and send her over the edge. Take good care of yourself, to help your brain be at its best. Try to understand that this is about her and what she's going through, not you, and it's undoubtedly the hardest time she's been through.

I hope for continued strength, understanding and patience. It has been said that grievers are self-absorbed...I reckon they are, how can they not be! Their lives have been uprooted and they're left floundering how to deal with it...I know I must have seemed that way when I lost my husband.

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