Why Fae Has Been Absent This Week

[Queeniemary]

Dear Fae. so glad you are back home, and in your own bed healing. I am so very sorry for this latest health challenge for you, but you said you felt you could beat it...and I BELIEVE that you can!

Take very good care of yourself, do exactly what the health care providers tell you to do. I think Rest at this point is the most important thing. What are the tests they are running in a couple of weeks. Is Karen staying with you?

You are in my thoughts and prayers, and I am soooooooooooo happy you are home!! Be a good girl, do all that you are told, only have brief moments on the electronics...just to let us know how you are feeling.

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[feralfae]

Up for a few minutes, had toast tea and applesauce and half a banana.

Now I must go back to rest, rest, rest.

I love hearing from you all. QMary, I sent a PM to you with my mail address. I don't get to answer the phone much, just like at hospital, they turn it off so I will sleep.

Karen is here but leaving soon then I will be alone, sleeping, for a few hours then Another Mary -- Mary B -- is coming over to be here with me until Karen comes back later this afternoon. I am not even allowed to fix t for myself. No decaf coffee, darn it!

Okay, time to turn this off.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[enna]

Oh, I love how you are coming for a few minutes. Please do not overdue things. Rest, dear fae, rest.

[mfh]

So glad you can and are able to sleep...nothing like rest and sleep to heal....animals do it naturally. We humans tend to forget. Good to see you here, fae.

Peace, Mary

[kayc]

We are all praying for you and are so glad you are resting. Sorry about the no coffee!

[feralfae]

. . . and now it is time to go back to sleep after a small lunch.

fae

[HAP]

I have had a short note from Fae, most of which she has repeated here. I have sent her a short note back, encouraging her to make sure she gets lots of rest. There is nothing minor about any surgery when it comes to carcinoid. The good news is we know much more about that than when Jane was diagnosed and several surgical protocols have been changed as a result of what we learned from Jane's case. I'm sure those protocols were adhered to strictly. At this point, even dentists know about them.

I found some faerie dust on the Walking with Jane website this morning, so I'm pretty sure either Fae or her minions have been there. I posted a piece she specifically inspired--a primer for new carcinoid patients--this afternoon. I drew on a note I wrote her yesterday about the basics and support groups, etc. If you are interested in the details of what Fae has been dealing with, here's a link to it: http://bit.ly/Qm2esD. It doesn't go into the symptoms very much--patients already know what they are dealing with where that is concerned because they have often been dealing with them for years. If you want the details on that, I wrote a piece on that about two weeks ago--though I will warn you it is not for the squeamish. You can follow this link: http://j.mp/1ku3a9I. Several people who are patients say it perfectly describes their lives.

I've decided not to call her until she says she is ready for that. She sounds exhausted--and undoubtedly is, regardless of how good she sounds here.

Fae, you need to rest, woman. We'll all be here when you recover some. But for now, take it slow and easy. Healing needs to be your focus and your watchword. I carry you in my heart and in my mind--as I do all of you, even when my work takes me elsewhere for a time.

And now I know--it occurs to me--why I got sent off to check out online support groups a few weeks ago. Hmpf. Manipulative bloody entities, these 'higher powers."

Peace,

Harry

[mfh]

Harry, I know I am probably speaking for everyone here but I know fae and all of us are ever so grateful for your knowledge, passion, and willingness to share. Little did any of us know months ago that your work and someone here would come together in such a way. I am just grateful because I know you track the latest research and will be of so much help as fae walks this path. And all of this in Jane's memory and name.

I so agree with you, though I know little about carcinoid, that fae's need for rest is crucial and it appears she is doing well in resting. I plan to spend some time reading your site and learning a bit of what you have invested so much in.

Thanks from me to you (and Jane) for helping provide information.

I also hope you are getting sufficient rest these days, also.

Mary

[MartyT]

"Manipulative bloody entities, these 'higher powers'" ~ or angels, or fairies, or divine intervention, or grace, or synchronicity ~ whatever we choose to call it ~ we are grateful that you are here in such an informed and helpful way for Fae, who is one of our own, and for all the countless others you are helping, dear Harry. The legacy your precious Jane has left for you, and your tireless efforts to make the most of it ~ all in the service of others ~ is simply astounding.

I agree with you completely about Fae's need for rest, and I think we all need to work together to encourage her to "take it slow and easy," and to "make healing her focus and her watchword" so that her body can heal. ♥

[feralfae]

Dear Tribe,

I AM resting and healing mostly, and being mindful of my need to relax and not worry, to let my body heal, and to just let go and let G*d for these two weeks until i begin more doc visits and tests.

Harry's advice, knowledge, generosity of spirit in sharing, good counsel, links, and all that he offers has been a true G*dsend.

Just today, Karen was here fixing my dinner and tucking me in for the evening with some Mary Higgins Clark books that, as a rule, I would not be caught reading, being one of those wonky intellectuals how can be snooty about her reading material.

Before she left, she just held me for a while and told me she loved me, then discreetly inquired about my bathroom functions. I love her. But she also leaned back, looked me in the eyes, and asked me how I was doing, and I just broke down and sobbed. I miss Doug so much. I wish he were here to tell me what I already know in my heart—that no matter what happens, our love will go on, and that will never fail me, and that in the deepest places in my heart, I can trust that I have nothing at all to fear.

But I am weak right now, not able to face much reading that rewuires retention or even much of a level of comprehension—which makes romance novels perfect—and I am feeling not so much angry as a lot of sadness, grief over the loss of my strength and health, and also confusion about where to go from here. I know I don't need to figure it all out today, or even this week, and it is okay to "dose" myself with little teaspoons of acceptance about this disease each day, only as I can tolerate the fear and confusion, the despair and the loneliness. I just wish Doug were here to hold my hand, kiss the top of my head, and reassure me that no matter what, everything is truly all right.

Yes, thank you all, keep reminding me to rest. I got sucked in to one client call today, which was my own mistake for answering the 'phone. Kay, thank you for the heads up on Harry's new post on Walking with Jane, thank you Harry, too.

Okay, I have about three more minutes, then the timer is going to go "ding!" and I must sign off.

Thank you all. I have always been so proud of being a runner, climber, hiker, jock girl. I am making room for lots of self-compassion as I slowly being to comprehend what may be ahead of me, while remembering what Tara wrote about "there is no future" which is true. I am willing more each day to surrender to whatever G*d has decided to place before me, while also doing my best to accept what is and begin to think about what I can do to help with my healing.

Right now, what i can do is rest, rest, rest. And eat well. And meditate. And pray.

My love to you all, and I am flinging a few hands full of *<fairy dust>* to you as well, because we need to be tickled and to smile and laugh even on the rough days. Thank you for holding me in your hearts and up to the light. I hope the dust is making you smile.

Namaste and

*<twinkles>*

("ding!" goes the timer!)

fae

[liljo]

Dearest Fae,

My name is Jodi, I've only ever made a few posts. My husband (Bill) died three months ago today. I just remember the beautiful post that you wrote to me a couple weeks after losing him. It was so comforting, and felt like a big hug. I'm sending that great big hug back to you now. I just read about all of this yesterday, I was so shocked, and sad. From what little i know about you though, you have a strong , amazing spirit, and will get through all this just fine . I really can't imagine what it must be like not having Doug to help you. It made me think about that for the first time - I was there to hold Bills hand all through his illness, but, I will have no one when something happens to me. It's so wonderful that you have this big , beautiful "family" here to love and support you !

In a few weeks , when you are rested and feeling better, I would love to talk to you about Art ! Bill and I had made our living for 25 years selling our Art, Now I am unable to go near the studio, therefore I can't paint, and have no income. You ,being an Artist might have some suggestions ?

Well, for now - stay strong, get rest, and get WELL !

Sending you Love, hugs, and "healing light" ❤

Jodi

[feralfae]

I blew my 'puter time quota watching a video on NETS with a guy from Vanderbilt, and learned a lot, thank you {{{HARRY}}} for the links and all the richness of info.

So, just good night to everyone and have a night of beautiful dreams.

fae

[HAP]

I know I am a poor substitute for Doug, Fae, but consider your hand held and your forehead kissed. i assume the guy from Vanderbilt is Eric Liu, who makes my list of the top ten most knowledgeable people in the field. He is also one of the best at putting things in human terms, though the people at the top all do that pretty well. The faerie dust scattered on the site is more than ample recompense for whatever you find to be of use there. And you have change coming back for that as soon as I find my stash--I know it's around here somewhere.

And there is nothing wrong with reading romance novels. I have an old friend who swears by them as a heal-all for every mental and physical issue. Swallow them whole or devour them piecemeal. And never be embarrassed by any of it. That and regular rest are your best friends right now.

Jodi, in Fae's absence, I will say this much about art. I've spent my life writing and teaching. It defines who I am--just as it defined in no small part who Jane was. We edited each other, talked out teaching strategies together. I gave up my formal classroom seven months after she died. We had decided before she got sick we would retire in 2011, and I honored that decision. But I could no more stop writing or teaching than I can stop breathing and still be alive. If you are the artist I think you are, as painful as that is going to be, you need to pick up the tools of your life again and start making art. Move your studio if you have to, buy new brushes and paints and canvases if you have to, but do it. I know how painful it is because most of what I write now has to do with the disease that killed my wife--as is most of my teaching. But if you are a writer or teacher or artist down in your soul, you have to take up the tools of your craft--the tools of your art--no matter how painful it is. Out of that pain will come great work that will speak to others who have not been where you have been--that will never quite fully explain the thing that loss has made you feel and confront--but will help others understand that pain when they themselves encounter it--or, if you really manage it, before. It is what artists--whatever their art--do. You may not be ready to go there yet--three months is no time at all in this journey through grief--but the day will come when the art calls to you--and you need to be ready for that call and answer it.

You have said above that it is wonderful that Fae has this big family here to love and support her. That family is here for you as well. All you need to do is take up the outstretched arms extended toward you. This is a warm and good place--and there is always more room at the fire and another place set at the table. Rest here and be easy.

Marty, what you and Mary do here--what you have done against all odds to keep this little Inn open and functioning--is the thing that is truly astounding. What I do in the battle against this disease is as nothing by comparison to the healing place you create and maintain here every day. On a good day, I touch one or two lives. On your bad days, you touch hundreds and influence thousands.

I wish I could do more. But, Mary, I know I have to rest periodically and watch my own health. As Jodi says so well in her post, we were each of us there physically to hold our loved one's hand--as they were there to hold ours. Now we all face the reality of facing sickness--and eventually more than that--on our own. It is not a comforting thought. But here we all are, trying to hold whoever's hand needs held and kissing the foreheads of whichever of us need that kiss at the moment.

Be well, all my dear friends. Life may have cast us all on rocky shores, but we still have each other.

Peace,

Harry

[Wifflesnook]

Oh it's morning in England and I reached for my iPad to read what had been said since I last visited and I write this in tears. What a world we live in now here people who won't meet face to face can get so close to each other's hearts. As Jodi said our Fae has been a wonderful support to many of us on this forum since she joined. I count myself very much in the group who has been helped by her words. We don't need to touch physically to be close in this cyber world, and I hope that Fae, you can almost feel on your skin, the warmth of our love.

Harry, we all knew that you would be able to support Fae. I don't know what it is about this magic forum, but the people it contains have such deep souls. Namaste

[mfh]

fae, I would not be concerned about your Mary Higgins Clark books during this time. I read a couple of those and watched a lot of rather simplistic Hallmark movies during those early months or when stress and sadness needed to be ignored. They are great distractors and even though they are not your usual reading, I say...whatever works...go for it.

I am sure, as you said, that the grief you feel about the loss of your health right now is huge. You are such an active athletic person and to spend your days in or on a bed or in a chair at home is not the way you saw yourself this spring. There is so much hidden grief when one is ill. Your Doug is with you and I know you miss him terribly and just want his arms around you as you walk through this. I do so understand. I know in spite of all those around you at home and here...you feel alone wanting only Doug to be there. I get that. And as much as we remind you that he is there...we also know that his physical presence, his understanding and his arms are what you long for right now. I wish that for you also.

You will probably get tired of hearing us reminding you to rest but we probably won't stop reminding you off and on. It seems you are doing a good job of that and I congratulate you. i know you are tired and sad so please do keep the rest up.

As for Harry's presence in your life complete with all his research and knowledge...I am so glad he can help you and I know he is also glad. It is what he does so well and his generous spirit coupled with his own personal loss of Jane certainly had led him to assist so many...and now you. How grateful I am that he is here for you.

We are here walking with you on this journey.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[mfh]

Harry, please do not minimize in any way your contribution here. You said, "Marty, what you and Mary do here--what you have done against all odds to keep this little Inn open and functioning--is the thing that is truly astounding. What I do in the battle against this disease is as nothing by comparison to the healing place you create and maintain here every day. On a good day, I touch one or two lives. On your bad days, you touch hundreds and influence thousands."

I am truly in awe of what you do out there in that world of "Walking with Jane" marathons, fund raising, research, meeting after meeting after meeting as well as right here as you reach out to so many and now in a special way to our fae. It is people like you and all our members that create this group. Marty and I might keep the "Inn open" but without each member's love, empathy, compassion, vulnerability, and more for each other member...there would be no inn. You might think you touch one or two lives on a good day but you have no idea how far reaching your words go here and out there. You drop pebbles into the pond of healing daily and they reach far and wide.

[mfh]

Dear Jodi,

I am glad to see you here. I know we all understand how difficult it is to pick up those brushes and I do believe that Harry's message to you about doing so when you can is so accurate. I am new to the world of watercolor and have found that painting my grief in some form or just doing what an artist friend of mine suggested one day when I could not paint, "Mary, just be 4 years old and play with the paint." I wonder if you might find it helpful to let go of "painting to for a living" right now and just paint...play with the paints with no goals in mind. Just a thought. I do completely understand how difficult it is to return to your work when your work is such a part of your saddened being. In any case, I am so glad you are here with us...we are ALL here for you.

Mary

[Queeniemary]

I firmly believe that there are no coincidences, everything happens for a purpose, even if we never understand the purpose. I think Harry and Fae were drawn to this particular place, for a reason. Not only the obvious reason, the support and love that we all receive here, but another cosmic reason, and I need not tell you what I think that reason might be. Yes, Harry, those higher powers are very manipulative!

I have never felt so close to people that I have never met in person, and probably never will. We are a community, brought together by a common grief, and we have become more than friends, we have become "family". Marty and Mary are our "Aunts", guiding us in this grief journey. That is a little simplistic I know, but I feel so close to this group, and it is a way to describe our "Tribe", as Fae calls us. I am so grateful that Fae will have access to the knowledge that Harry has about NET Cancer, and the information that he has at his fingertips.

Now, once again, Fae, I will tell you to rest, rest, rest. Your body knows what you need, so I know you will listen. Oh, by the way, your condensed "nattering".....very funny!!

Mary (Queeniemary) in Arkansas

[MartyT]

♥

[mfh]

Yes, Queen Mary...we are family by choice. The role of "aunt" made me smile. I had some wonderful aunts...my mom being the youngest of 14 and my dad with 9 siblings.

Peace,

Mary

[MartyT]

♥

[feralfae]

Not much to type this morning. Except I apologize for all the typos I am missing as I type from the midst of my pillows and comforters and flowers. My French tulips are still beautiful. The daisies are cheerful. The lilies are graceful. The mums and sunflowers are super. There are other flowers, but I don't know all their names.

The pain last night woke me a few times, but returning to the normal dose of pain meds helped. I have been wanting to stop the pain meds, but one of the docs' nurses tells me to stay ahead of the pain and on the schedule of meds at least through this week, so I can rest more than deal with pain. Okay.

I read a lot of posts, but don't have time or energy to write much more right now, and the timer is ticking down. I am being as disciplined as I can.

Off to read romance and smile at Love.

Much, much love to you all. and {{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}

fae

[MartyT]

My dear fae, if I tell you there is no need to explain the brevity or infrequency of your posts, would you listen? Each time I see your presence here (much as I know how we all love hearing from you) all I can think is that, at that moment, you are typing on your 'puter and not RESTING.

Also, as one who has endured more surgeries than I care to count, I say to you: Listen to your nurses. Stay AHEAD of the pain. If you do not do that, you'll find that whatever medication you take cannot do its job effectively at the prescribed dose, and you'll feel restless and even more uncomfortable. If you're taking your pain prescription properly, you should be able to REST in relative comfort and keep the pain at bay. That is the very purpose of the prescription. If there is any time in your life when taking pain medication is appropriate, it is in the days immediately following abdominal surgery.

Got it? Good! Remember, dear fae ~ We are watching over you!

♥

[kayc]

I feel like this place is hallowed ground. Truly there is love here. This is not a "virtual place", this is a place were family-friends come together through a common means...computer. And thank God for that!

fae, I am watching the times you are on here, and you'd better believe Mary and others are too! No need to apologize for your brevity, your number one job is to rest. And you're STILL that jock girl! You just need to fight the biggest battle of your life in another way...that of resting and being and enjoying what is. I am learning that we do not have yesterday and we do not have tomorrow, we have NOW. Yesterday is gone all but our memory, unless dementia takes even that, and I won't go there, and tomorrow none of us know what will be there, but NOW we have to enjoy what is. So read your romance novel, no need to feel intellectually above it, there's a time and place for everything!

Harry, we feel deep gratitude and appreciation for all that you've done and continue to do. So many times I've worried you push yourself beyond the limits and don't get enough sleep, but I guess this is why you do it, and I hope you know our worlds bears the fruits of your efforts. But I also hope you are doing self-care. One thing I learned when I was young was if I don't take care of myself, I won't be of use to anyone else!

Jo, I think you have to push through to the art...force yourself if you will to continue. If you wait until you "feel" like it, it may not come, but if you push through to it, you may be surprised at the return of the passion and calling that you have. I felt that way with my own art work. I have been making cards for 28 years, and although it is more of a hobby than an income, it is very much a part of me and I need that creativity that keeps on giving. When George died, I didn't feel like it, but I had some friends who came every Tuesday night to have me "teach" them...I realized later that it was their way of re-interesting me in it as well as keeping me company. There have been times since I haven't "felt" like it, I suppose it's something we fight, that's part of grief, but always, once I start, I enjoy it. I need to push through more often.

So many here have expressed all that I am feeling inside.

Today I wrote another letter to George. It'd been quite a while. It amazed me how long it'd been, because I think of him continually, not a day goes by but what I think about him, talk to him, he's always in my heart.

[feralfae]

GoodMorning.

This morning, I fell back on that old standard Baha'i' prayer that I love so much:

"O G*d, refresh and gladden my spirit. . ." that Doug and I used to say as one of our prayers.

There is as of yet no new snow. IT is already 37F, so I don't think we will have snow today, which is fine since one of my g*dsons and his fiancee are driving to SPokane to have her eggs harvested prior to beginning chemo for her breast cancer (at 26!) after a complete masectomy. (sp?)

Back to sleep. Rough night, even with the pain pills. I'll be talking to the doc later.

I am resting.

*<twinkles>*

fae