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My name is Annalee but I go by Lee. On October 14, 2013 my world shattered my Mom Rosie Dozier-Sanford was just 55 years old when she sub-came to sepsis possibly related to her long battle with cancer and valley fever. On that day my world crumbled I lost my best friend, my mentor, my confidant, my hero, but most of all I lost my Mom. I don't know how I am supposed to go on my heart feels as if it cracks a little more with each beat. I am lost and the one person who always found me is gone.

I am the oldest of nine and I have tried to be there as much as I can for my siblings, particularly the four that lived with my Mom including my youngest brother who is seventeen. While I took a week off right after her death I have been able to work and "function" a majority of the time since her death. There was a period immediately after her passing that I relied on alcohol and marijuana to get me threw but besides the all most non-existent night out with well meaning friends I have not had a desire for either one, nor really anything else since my birthday in January. I have been seeing a grief counselor since January and while I'm grateful that she pulled me out of the dark destructive pit that I was in I just feel like if the best it gets is instead of the raw burning pain that it was to the chronic throbbing pain that it is now then what's the use.

I mean I get up every day and every day I tell myself "it' gonna get better" and "gotta get done what has to get done" but in reality it doesn't get better and I just want to say **** what has to get done! I don't know some days it feels like I'm on the verge of....I don't know, a break through? And then it's right back to wailing and wanting to just burrow in my room until the world stops and f****** realizes that my Mom one of the bet damn people I ever met is gone and is never gonna come back and I just want to scream! I want to shake my siblings who all seem to have moved on and who tell me "at least she's not hurting" and scream in their faces that don't you get it "I DON'T CARE! MY MOM IS GONE!", and I know that might make me a horrible person but I just don't care! I want my Mommy back.

I'm sorry if this is rambling but I'm just having a really bad day. My counselor wants me to go to the support group but I haven't been able to and I found this group online in the resources that Hospice of the Valley offers and it just seemed warm and caring and I'm just tired of putting on a front and trying to talk to people who don't get it. Anyway thanks for letting me vent I feel a little better now.

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Dear Lee, I am so very sorry to learn about your loss. I am grateful that you have sought out the assistance of a grief counselor. Your burden is heavy in these early months. You are dealing with the loss of your mother and best friend and along with that you are the one who walked through her illness with her. As a first born of your siblings, you have probably been her right hand assistant raising your siblings all along and now they are not experiencing the same pain you are and I am sure you feel alone and abandoned by them...unable to turn to them for comfort or to grieve with. In addition you are probably exhausted after all that has happened and with the huge role in your mother's illness and death.

I am glad you found your way here and I do encourage you to take advantage of the support group also when and if you can. I believe we need all the help we can get at times like this especially as your siblings are handling things so differently. Right now your focus needs to be on you, your grief and your healing. We learn in this society that does not deal well with grief to wear our "I'm fine" masks often and having places like your grief counselor's office, here and perhaps a support group down the road, are essential when we can't share with others easily. We are a warm and caring group and you are now one of us. Please do return often, share your pain, your story, your pictures....your exhaustion and your small victories (each do have those on this journey). In the meantime, take care of yourself and do continue to work with your grief counselor.

You have been a loyal daughter and you still are a loyal daughter. Your relationship with your mother changes (a lot) but it does go on. You might think about journaling some of your pain, writing letters to your mother, reading about grief and more. People here know pain and loss and will walk with you on this journey.

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I am very sorry you lost your mom. That is hard at any age, but particularly when you're young...no one expects to lose them so young in life.

I hope you can understand that everyone grieves differently and it doesn't mean your siblings don't miss her, we all just handle it differently. Also, some have delayed grief, they may be in a state of numbness and not even know how to respond, it may not have hit them yet. We had one person on here that lost their fiance when they were young, and 20+? years later they were finally starting to deal with their grief. It happens like that sometimes, we can't judge by how others do/don't respond to loss.

I do hope you will consider going to grief support group, it can be very helpful to be around others who "get it".

I didn't see you mention a father...is he around? How is your youngest brother doing now?

I like Mary's suggestion to write letters to your mother...I did that when my husband died. I'm glad you have a grief counselor, they can be a real help in this maze of grief.

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I am sorry, too, dear Lee, and I hope you feel our collective arms around you as we support you in your loss.

In addition to the threads and posts you'll find in this forum, I want to point you to a couple of articles that I hope may be useful to you:

Taking Time to Mourn A Mother's Death

Mother Loss: A List of Suggested Resources

And just in case you're interested, this is the member's story that Kay described in her post: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief

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