I Killed My Newborn Kitten Please Help Me

[amylou]

Hi everyone.

I really dont know where to begin Im devastated.

2 weeks ago todat my cat Cleo gave birth to 4 beautiful healthy kittens.

Unusually she chose to have them on my lap on the sofa. She wouldnt leave my side so I allowed her to just have them on me. This was her first litter and she is a natural wonderful mummy.

She kept moving her kittens onto the sofa and also kept bringing them to me. Eventually I gave up my sofa for her and allowed her to keep them on there. I put a big duvet on the floor Incase they fell etc but they never did.

I just got used to these 4 bundles of joy on the sofa. I would sit on it and they would all snuggle into my legs. Cleo was very trusting and very happy for me to handle them although I tried not to cuddle them to much, just moved them etc if they were getting into pickles.

So they are all 2 weeks old today. All healthy happy putting on weight like nobodys business. All eyes open and meowing for mums milk.

So now the tradegy.

I have had A really bad tooth infection and yesterday had it out and was given antiobiotics. I got home and felt really rough. I took a sleeping tablet and settled down to watch TV. All kittens were fine.

I must have gone into a deep sleep. I woke up and saw 3 of the kittens in their basket with Cleo. I saw the 4th at the end of the sofa on his back. I thought he was asleep and touched his tiny tummy. He was dead. I had obviously squashed him in my sleep. Cleo had gotten the other 3 away but couldnt get to him in time.

I cant stop crying. Shes looking for him. Im at a loss. I cant live with the guilt of killing a beautiful defenceless 2 week old kitten.. Ill never get over this I may as well not be here.

[mfh]

My dear amylou,

I am certain you feel dreadful after that accident. I know I would also...what person wouldn't. There are no words that can take that pain away but I do want to make sure you are aware that it was an accident. It was not carelessness or anything except an accident. I know of situations where this has happened to human babies, kittens and puppies. And of course you feel just terrible. I am so sorry this happened and am sorry for Cleo as well. You can't explain to her and she is probably confused so lots of love and interaction between you, her and her kittens would probably be what I would do. It would be good for all of you. I wish I could take your pain away but your pain is a sign of how much you love Cleo and her babies and it will ease up.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

[kayc]

I want to ditto everything Mary said, it was an accident. If you'd foreseen it you would have sat somewhere else or moved him, but you were in pain and groggy from the medication. Yes, I have heard of this happening to human babies too. I agree, lots of love and attention for Cleo to help her through this. I'm so sorry this happened!

[steph.ny]

I am a big advocate of one on one grief counseling where we really can't on our own come to terms with a loss. If you can, please try to find a counselor who can tell you with certainty that they have experience with people who have been traumatized and can compassionately understand that your trumatic event involves a pet. If they have no experience, you must find someone who does. One on one talking about these things can be very helpful. You said you may as well not be here. You SHOULD be here. Please get help if you can.There is nothing wrong with you. Just that your pain is more than you can handle. Sent with love and caring. I am very sorry for your loss.

[amylou]

I feel like I am murderer. There was no reason for him to die.

I'm scared that the RSPCA will come and take Cleo and the rest of her kittens as I am not responsible and clearly can't look after them and keep them safe. I'm so numb. I just can't believe I did this. I know people will say it's only an animal but I killed him. He wasn't poorly or old. He was brand new and healthy and I took it away. I can't function, I can't sleep I just keep seeing images of his tiny body. Nothing seems to be worth it any more.

[mfh]

amylou, I do understand how very sad you feel about this kitten. I know it is hard to forgive yourself but do keep it in mind it was an accident. There is also a chance that the kitten did not die because you rolled onto it, it could have died from a cause you do not know about. In either case, it was not your fault and no organization is going to take your cat and kittens away from you. You said you can't believe you did this but it was an accident. I hope you will do what we have all had to do with our pain of loss and that is sometimes during each day we have had to distract ourselves from the pain to give our brains a rest from grief. Perhaps see if you can invest yourself in Cleo and her kittens or a hobby for a little while. It means gathering all the strength you have and take charge of your brain and heart and do what is best for Cleo, the kittens and yourself. I hold you in my heart.

[kayc]

I thought about that too. In fact it's possible you didn't roll onto it at all. When my Fluffy was born, there was another puppy, he lived for a while and then just died, failure to thrive, and we didn't know he was going to die, it just happened, and no one rolled onto him! You can't know what happened when you were asleep but you didn't mean for this to happen and they aren't going to come take the others away. In Oregon a lady purposely starved her dog and they ruled it was just property and didn't have rights and let her off the hook. I'm so upset about that! She didn't care about her own dog and they let her get away with animal abuse! So you think they're going to do something when your situation was totally different, a complete accident, not something you could have predicted or known would happen?! No they aren't going to take the others away.

Mary is right, you'll need to throw yourself into taking care of Cleo and her kittens and spend time doing other things and try to let it go. It will be hard and it will take time, but do try. Remember, if you don't realize your own value, how can you help the animals you have left?! Be forgiving and understanding of yourself as you would anyone else. Pretend you are someone else and this happened, what would you say to yourself if you were someone else? Write yourself a note. You hear what we are telling you, that is probably what someone would say to you. It is okay to forgive yourself!

[faysky]

I doubt very much if you killed this kitten. If you had lain on it long enough to kill it the kitten would be flat as a pancake. Kittens die... A huge proportion of feline young just do not make it.
I have seen four healthy looking kittens in the box with mum one minute... carried on ironing and within 5 minutes seen a dead kitten lying exactly as you described for no apparent reason at all. Young kittens have many problems that cannot be seen or improved... they may get too hot or too cold and if they are not actually feeding well the latter will ensure they cannot thrive, They can have a cleft palate which prevents feeding or an internal malformation. Sometimes the ribcage is malformed and this often gives the appearance of being crushed when the kitten is dead. Don't beat yourself up... it really was not your fault.

[Apolloinheavan]

A couple days ago i started taking care of this kitten i named Apollo. He was tge runt of a stray and she wouldn't feed him so i took him in and bottle fed him. When i would go to sleep id put him in his cage but he would cry and cry. So i felt bad and let him out and sleep with me. Last night. I went to bed like usual, and this morning and woke up to find my little baby dead. It was so awful. Ive been crying for hours cuz i rolled over on him. I just took a showerand there us claw marks on my leg, im not sure if they are from last night or him kneading me when i feed him. I feel so awful and cant stop crying that cat was so sweet and already so attached. I dont know what to do. I just buried him in the back yard. Everytime i look at his stuff i cry. I keep thinking about him. I feel terrible.

[kayc]

I am so sorry about your kitten, it must have been horrid to discover.  I feel so much for what you're going through and it seems there are no words to express it.  I pray for comfort for you.  Know your little one is in heaven waiting for you and is well in his new life.

 

[Ryleigh W.]

I wanna say… a few days ago the same thing happened to me, we just got a few kittens, 2 in fact. Hiro and Asher, They were gorgeous and I loved them even though I only had them for a few hours. I was watching tv, while cuddling with Hiro, but was getting tired so I set the little girl in a cat bed off to the side and went to sleep… I think I should point out, I’m an extremely deep and restless sleeper, it takes forever and a lot to wake me up…. And these kittens love crevices, so… Turns out I should’ve listened to my brother, who told me to put my baby in her kennel when I went to sleep… but I was exhausted and completely forgot… and about 8 hours later when I woke up… I  found my little baby, dead, under me…

I cried, nonstop, for hours and hours untill I eventually passed out from crying… it’s been about 2 or 3 days, and I understand that I couldn’t help it, but I still blame myself for it, and I think that’s alright, becoming numb to death… is not a good thing, so the fact that I still apologize… and will apologize for a long time from now to her brother, the other kitten we got, is currently all I can do, and I will do my best to keep the other one safe and give the other one all the cuddles I couldn’t give Hiro.

[kayc]

OMG, how horrific for you!  They told me when I had my son not to let him sleep with me, for this reason.  I've never had a cat/kitten do this, but most of my cats have been older when I got them and like sleeping by themselves.  
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