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Will I Ever Get Over It


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hi my name is SPencer and i am 14 years old, and just last year my mom died from a car accident on a highway. since then people have been telling to be more social and to get over my moms death. but i just cant seem to get over the fact that she is really gone from my life. and i was just wondering if their is any way to get over the fact that my mom is really gone.

thanks,

Spencer.

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Hi Spencer. We're all so very sorry to learn that your mother was killed in an auto accident last year. Please know that we are thinking of you and holding you in our hearts.

I don't know who's been telling you "to be more social and to get over" your mom's death, but I can tell you that what they are saying is wrong, wrong, wrong. You know, when we lose an important part of ourselves -- our eyesight or hearing, for example, or an arm or a leg -- no one would ever say to us, "You need to be more social and get over it." People don't "get over" blindness, or being deaf, or being an amputee. Insead, over time, they rehabilitate and learn to live with their disabilities.

As you've already discovered, you will never, ever "get over" the fact that your mother has died. The hurt and sorrow and longing you feel will lessen little by little over a very long period of time, but it never goes away completely -- and the amount of pain you feel is in direct proportion to your attachment to your mom. Getting over the death of someone you loved so much is impossible. We never "get over" such losses; instead, over time, we just find ways to endure them: to get through our grief and make our way in a world without the physical presence of our loved one in it.

I often point out to people that it's the pain of losing our loved ones that we will one day manage to "let go" of -- but you need never "let go" of your relationship with your mom. So often we torture ourselves thinking we need to "let go" of our loved ones who have died and say goodbye to them forever more -- but when you loved your mother that much, why in the world would you want to let go of her?

I also like to remind people that death ends a life, but it does not end a relationship. The bond you have with your mother will stay with you just as long as you keep her memory alive in your mind and in your heart. She will always be your mother and you will always be her son. Take comfort in knowing that, in a very real sense, your mother is very much here with you now, wherever you are, because her spirit and her memory live on in you, and because you are so very much a part of her. When you really think about it, in many ways you are more inseparable now than you were before, because you are not limited by space and time and distance.

It may help, too, to think of what your mother would want for you as you live the rest of your life, Spencer. Surely she would want you to miss her very much, as you do -- but do you really believe she would want to see you suffering and miserable forever more? Perhaps instead she would want you to go on to live a good, healthy life as a way of honoring her memory.

I don't know what sort of bereavement support you've had since your mother died, but I hope you'll think about what you need from others right now and make an effort to let them know about it. People (including your dad and other relatives, as well as your teachers at school) won't know what you need from them unless you tell them. It may be that your dad is very concerned about you, but he may not have a clue as to what's going on with you -- or he could be preoccupied with his own grief at the loss of your mom. (It may be helpful for you to go back and read my message to Ally in the "Loss of a Sibling" forum, under the topic title, "I'm Worried about My Daughter," dated 10/19/03. There are some good Web site links included there, too, which you might like to visit yourself.)

You also need to know that the grief you're experiencing at your present age will change through the years, Spencer. It will change you too, influencing who you are right now and affecting who you'll become in the future. This death of this very special person must be worked through, adapted to, and integrated into your life, as different situations will require you to accommodate this loss again and again. When you have your first date with a girl, go to your first prom, graduate from high school, go off to college -- over and over you'll be bumping into the harsh reality that your mom is not there (physically) to experience those very special times with you. You will re-visit this death continually as you grapple with its meaning— emotionally, socially, economically and spiritually— and as you struggle to find a place for your mom in your present and future life.

I don't know how you found your way to this Discussion Group, Spencer, but I'm so pleased that you did. And I hope that our other visitors will share their experiences and wisdom with you, too. Everyone who comes here is an expert in grief, because we're all walking the same path, even as we each must find our own way through the darkness -- but at least we don't have to go it all alone.

Wishing you peace and healing,

Marty T

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Hi Spencer,

I am 33 and my Mom died 3 months ago. I like the advice Marty gave you about honoring your mother by the way that you live. If she was like my mom, she would want you to do good things for people and do your best at everything you do. Trust me, you can't control much else in life! Don't feel down about yourself, the pain and hurt and negative feelings you have are perfectly normal.

I haven't gotten over the sadness and pain associated with my Mom's death, although talking about it and thinking about her help very much. Please understand that you are not alone in losing your Mom. It is sad that you have to learn this at such a young age, but these things happen to everyone at some time or another. It is a part of life.

Your job right now at your age is to be a kid and have some fun, and if you want to be sad about your Mom I think it is OK to take all the time you need.

Hans

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Hi Spencer

I know exactly what you mean, about not knowing how to get on with your life. I thought I had the best idea, but actually doing something new and exciting can just pull you away from the bad stuff. It doesn't make the bad stuff go away. I hope you find a way to move on. yes perhaps honoring her in your daily life is a good idea. But also you should know that she would want you to be happy.

Take good care of your heart

F

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  • 2 weeks later...

you sweet sweet child i am so sorry for your lose and you never get over your lose you just have too except and go on the best way you no how ,i am 34 and my daddy just died this july 2003 and i havent gotten over that but i do no now that life dose go on like it or not but you must get too that point in your own time dont let anyone tell you too get over it

lots of hugs,

shelly (momalomax)

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