Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

26 Year Old Director Of An Orphanage, Lost 2 Babies Under A Year In 2


Recommended Posts

I basically shattered 10 days ago (can it possibly be that long??) when I lost two babies under a year to virulent pneumonia, suddenly and extremely unexpectedly. I am a 26 year old who moved to Tanzania a year ago with my husband to adopt two children and serve as executive director of a nonprofit I founded that partners with a local orphanage and is creating a children's village for older kids aging out of orphanage care. Wow, that's a mouthful! Necessary background, I guess. I've known the children at the orphanage, and been intimately involved in their lives and care, for over 4 years now, and am one of two people (along with the local director, who has been doing this for longer than I've been alive), who are ultimately responsible for the care of the kids. All of our kids have lost their mothers, mostly through death in childbirth and occasionally through mental illness or abandonment.

Two little girls died suddenly on April 24th and 26, who we'd been caring for for over 9 months. The first, Lulu, was perfectly healthy, happy, chubby, literally perfect, until the night before she died. She came in when she was 2 weeks old and her mom passed away from complications from a c - section, not unusual here. Most of our kids have at least some relatives who come visit, fathers, grandparents, something - not Lulu. She was literally the happiest child I had ever met, and I was so in love with her - I would fantasize about eventually adopting her as well some day, although I know that two kids is probably our limit for now! I loved that baby so much.

She had had a raspy chest for about 3 days, and a fever, but the hospital we work with, which owns the orphanage (even though my organization pays for most of the operations!), kept giving her antibiotics and sending her back to the orphanage, and she was smiling and energetic. The doctors there mostly are not very well trained, but we don't really have a choice but to listen to them, at least unless a child gets worse. On Wednesday night they finally admitted her, and she got IV antibiotics, although it took them a while to find a vein since she was dehydrated. The other director knew and was planning to tell me so that we could bring her to a bigger referral hospital in the morning. She got rapidly worse overnight and died at 5:30 am the next morning.

Hope had been extremely premature at birth, when her mother died and she came to the orphanage, and in and out of the hospital repeatedly with respiratory ailments, but she had made it to 9 months and had been gaining weight and strength steadily. In the west she would have been in a NICU for much longer, but we had trouble even getting permission to take her to pediatricians. Ugh. Anyway, she was admitted to the hospital at the same time as Lulu. We rushed her to the biggest and best equipped hospital in the country, a few hours away, and she was admitted to their pediatric ward, but she died almost exact 48 hours after Lulu passed. On its own, honestly, as much as we adored both girls, Hope's death alone would have been much easier to process and grieve, because we'd had time to prepare, she had been sick for a long time, and we did literally everything we could for her. Her funeral was beautiful, her father adored her and saw her frequently when she was alive, and knew and respected how much we loved her.

Lulu was different. Her family had never come to visit her, and they blamed us for her death. Her funeral was awful, careless and rushed. She died so quickly that we don't know if she could have recovered with better treatment. I could have gotten her to another hospital if I'd known, but I had no idea it was any more than a mild fever and a cough until it was too late. And even with Hope, we knew it was possible, but I had no idea it could hurt this much. I'm in so much pain right now and I have no idea how to survive it - but I have to, because 6 staff, 5 volunteers, 10 board members, my husband, my two children, and 32 other kids are all depending on me. The rest of my family is on the other side of the world.

OH, and, the reason I was so busy on the day before Lulu died that the other director didn't want to bother me? Trying to finish papers for my graduate degree - I have to leave for England in 20 days to take exams as well as turn in my dissertation in 4 days. And I can barely eat or sleep. I'd already lost some weight before this because of stress and overwork, but I'm now down at least 25 pounds. My husband is not happy, although I don't mind it, and I'm still definitely not underweight!

I honestly don't know how to keep going day to day. And I am in this awful and strange position of having been responsible for them in some ways like a parent, but without a parent's rights, and without them in my life every single day, maybe every other day instead. Maybe something like what a recent step-parent might feel? I don't know. Anyway. Help? Someone?

Lulu on top, Hope below

10262047_537302810449_359911304291609429

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear TZMama,

Your post leaves me breathless. Your loss, your generous and caring work with orphans, your completion of your dissertation and exams and then the loss of these sweet babies. I frankly do not know how you are doing it all as you also grieve these losses and put forth an incredible amount of energy each day. I am reaching out to you with compassion as you continue your life and work.

My first reaction to your plea (Help? Someone?) beyond the sadness I felt with the loss of these babies and the poor medical care you have available to you, is that something has to give before you do. Grief alone is exhausting but your life is just packed. I hope once the exam is taken and the dissertation handed in you can look at your schedule and see how much of it you can change so that you have more time for you. I wonder when you go to England in three weeks if you can also take some time there to sleep and relax and heal a bit. Your sorrow is deep and your days are draining.

We are here for you and will listen and reach out with our love and compassion as you do your work. Anyone who comes here and is grieving a loss usually early on hears someone here urge them to rest, eat right and take care of themselves. That is step one and I hope you can eek out some time each day to do some of that. If you don't, you know you won't be able to keep going. My heart goes out to you. I admire what you are doing and do hope you will find ways to take care of yourself.

Peace to your heart,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so sorry for your losses. Yes, kind of like a step parent. You do the best you can with what you have available to you and what more can you do? You mentioned that you have your husband, your two children, plus all of the other little ones depending on you, and that is your incentive to keep going. I pray you get through your dissertation, etc. and don't lose any more weight, stress is the hardest way to lose it.

I have found it helps to voice yourself, and you are doing that here, and I want to encourage you to post any time, we will be here listening.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you both - I was so worried that no one would respond. I really have no outlets while I'm on the ground here, because everyone but my husband is basically my employee or a volunteer, so there's always something of a gap. Thank god, I'm actually heading to the US for another month after I finish my exams in England, and I'm going to do nothing but try to unwind with my family and introduce my kids to everyone. Unfortunately the fires that need to be put out never end - today another baby, Farajah, has pneumonia too, the 7 pilot house kids plus my two kids started at a new school, we almost couldn't get them there because of a car emergency, and two volunteers might be leaving because they think I haven't been welcoming enough. Tomorrow two staff leave for 3 days, and the day after a new staff person arrives - and I'm still weeks behind on all my other work because of the funerals. I'm trying really hard to keep it all together. Luckily our board really supports me. I just have to get through day to day because there are so many people relying on me, but all I want is to go to sleep.

Weight is such a funny thing in this country - there are ads targeted to women for supplements to help them gain weight, and being skinny is a really bad thing, a reflection of poverty. So when you lose weight, everyone comments on it negatively - they worry. And when you gain weight, they're thrilled and comment on it as well, as a compliment - takes some getting used to. Easier to just stay at one weight. I also can't wait (weight) to get to England so I can buy new pants - literally the only place to get jeans in our area is at a huge crowded used clothes market, and I just can't face it. Pants that didn't fit me when I arrived here a year ago, now can be pulled right down over my hips. I'm sure eventually I will probably be grateful for the easy loss, but this is not how I want to do it.

Can you tell me what your losses were, if you are comfortable doing so? Everyone here is supportive but I can't really talk about it freely, it helps a lot to have a space here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My dear, I am overwhelmed just reading the details of your story. I can't imagine where you find the time to post messages on this site, but I'm glad you're here with us, as it gives us an opportunity to give you some of the support you need and so richly deserve.

As I read your posts, I get this picture of the little Dutch boy holding his finger in the dyke, trying with all his might to stem the leak until someone comes along to repair the breach and save the town from the flood. It is as if you have the world on your shoulders, and I wonder how long you can bear up under the strain of its weight before you buckle.

I think it’s important to know that grief is very patient. It does not go anywhere, and if we don’t take the time ~ or cannot take the time ~ to give it the attention it requires, it will sit and wait until we are ready, willing and able to address it. Given your current situation, I want to suggest to you that it’s all right if you decide ~ deliberately and intentionally ~ to postpone mourning the loss of these two precious souls until you have the time and space to pay full attention to your grief. The key is to do this if and only if you commit to doing your grief work at a later date. Please understand: I am NOT suggesting that you ignore these deaths or bury them or minimize them in any way.

The simple fact is that there are times when we must keep going, even in the face of devastating loss. I think of soldiers on the battlefield, who must keep fighting even as they know the fellows next to them are wounded and dying. In the thick of battle, there is no time for grief and mourning, even if the need for it is still there. The time for experiencing and addressing grief comes later, when the heat of battle has abated.

Obviously you are quite capable of doing the job you have at this orphanage, or you would not be there now. You say that the time is coming soon when you’ll be leaving Tanzania for England and then for a month in the US. I suggest that in the time you have left in Tanzania, you focus entirely on doing your job and getting through each day, one day at a time. Make a list of what absolutely needs to be done each day, and let the rest go. Do the same the next day. Make your physical health a top priority: Keep it simple, but do your best to stay healthy, making sure you get sufficient nutrition, water, rest and exercise each day. Forgive yourself for not giving in to your grief right now; that does not mean that you don’t intend to address it later. Do whatever you can to get through each day, one day at a time, knowing that the end is in sight and the time is coming when you can leave all this chaos behind.

I repeat: I am not at all suggesting that you leave your grief behind. On the contrary, I encourage you to make a conscious plan to meet as soon as possible with a grief counselor or therapist who specializes in grief, to facilitate the mourning process and support you as you work your way through these losses. Commit to doing this as soon as you get past your exams in England or as soon you get to the US, preferably when you are rested and can bring your best (or at least a better) self to the grief work that needs to be done.

My concern is that, if you do not take good care of yourself right now, my dear, you will have nothing left to take care of your family or the children in your care, and in your role as director of the orphanage, you won’t be effective in managing your employees either.

1bcb934218b1bd507f24799b40191c01.jpg

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Honestly, I'd be candid with the volunteers, let them know we just lost two babies that we cared for very much. I know you can't afford to lose helpers, but if they can't be a little thicker skinned perhaps they aren't of much help. You really don't have the luxury of holding their hands right now. I'm so sorry!

I lost my husband, it's been nine years. People quit telling me a long time ago to "get over it" or "move on"...we do have to move on with our life, but we never get over it and we never leave them behind, we remember and miss them always. I never thought I'd survive nine years without him, but here I am. It affects every avenue of one's life.

We certainly don't expect to lose babies! God bless you for your work...

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks Marty - I really do feel like the dutch boy in that story! Oddly enough, my (Dutch) grandmother was orphaned at 16 by the Holocaust and spent the rest of the war smuggling children and working with orphaned kids while on the run - my aunt just published a book about it (http://www.economist.com/blogs/prospero/2014/02/holocaust-memoirs). Apparently going into this type of humanitarian work is common among "second generation" survivors.

I am trying to get all the necessities done, but sometimes I just can't. Today I had to cancel a meeting with our architect and the kids couldn't go to school because the car situation still isn't figured out, and it was raining all night which means we can't get to their school without 4 wheel drive. It's been flooding for weeks here - thank god the girls' funerals and memorial were sunny and beautiful.

I do have a wonderful therapist, too, who I see via Skype - I used to see her when I was a university student in Boston. I'll see her tonight if the internet cooperates - it's been randomly shutting on and off for the last week because of the rain. Oh, Tanzania, nothing can ever be simple here!

Kay, thank you for supporting my position with the volunteers. My husband went to talk to them today, too - he is very involved in the organization and obviously knows better than anyone how much I'm struggling right now. Honestly, I am fine if they stay or if they go, I just don't have the energy to care about that right now.

My condolences on the loss of your husband. I thought I knew what grief was like - the orphanage lost a baby when I first volunteered there, and it was terribly sad. But he was premature and very weak from birth, and we were prepared for the possibility. I also hadn't spent that much time with him, unfortunately, because everything was so busy at the orphanage at that time (we had another 6 babies under 6 months, all of whom are now healthy and happy three year olds). This was so, so different - I had bonded so deeply with those precious little girls. Grieving someone you truly knew, and had fallen in love with, and bonded with, and miss every day, is shockingly, wrenchingly different. I can't imagine losing a life partner. Heck, I really don't know if I'm strong enough for this.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

TZMama

How relieved I am to know that after England you will have a month here in the US to heal and relax some. I am also relieved to know you have a therapist available to you on Skype and that you will focus on essentials right now. As Marty said so well, the grief will be there when you are ready. I know your sadness and grief is sitting in your heart as you attend to other tasks. Please take her words to heart and trust her wisdom.

I read about a woman who smuggled children out to save their lives during the Holocaust but am not sure it was the story of your grandmother. I think there is a movie out about a woman who did that. Since that movie is a bit older I doubt we are talking about the same person. I know a couple of women here who are Holocaust survivors and at book club one night they told their story through tears and pain that still sits in their hearts. I also had a client in therapy several years ago whose parents were Holocaust survivors and learned much about the second generation and the humanitarian work they frequently do. I admire people who do this work just as I admire all that you are doing also. I also urge you to practice self care so you can be whole and enjoy your own life as you help others. We are here for you.

Peace,

Mary

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I've heard of that too and I think you're right that there was a movie made about it. Amazing woman1

The grief you are going through isn't unlike losing one of your own children, we can get very attached to little ones. It's going to take some time to heal, and I hope it's not too long before you can come home and be with your family.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...