New To This Widowhood

[Guest jimand i]

I lost the love of my life after a long painful battle. My Jim was misdiagnosed for over three years before a diagnosis of stage four base of tongue cancer. Now after an almost three year battle he is gone. "He is gone." Those are the words the nurse spoke that sent me into a tailspin of numbness, heartbreak and wailing. I wanted to die too. I wanted everyone to leave me alone. I wanted God to raise him from the dead, like Moses. But none of those things happened. Now I sit here looking at the box of ashes that once represented Jim's life. I wish a wind would come through and blow them into a whirlwind and I could hear his voice in the chaos that is my life; or breathe in the ashes to take him into my soul.

What is my purpose now? How do I move on? How can I act so strong and normal around others? Why do people ask, "How are you doing?" then say saying I am handling it well. I am not handling it well! I am dying inside. I can't even touch his socks without sobbing, wailing, losing control. Does he forgive me for taking him back to the Hospice Care Center when I knew he hated to go back there? Were those tears he shed when they wheeled him out, tears of sadness because I broke my promise to not take him back? Does did he understand I had to because I couldn't keep his pain under control by myself? That I couldn't Stand to see him suffer any more.

I miss him so much!

Debbie

[enna]

Dear Debbie,

I am so very sorry for your loss. Raw grief is just gut-wrenching. I have been where you are as have so many who come here to share their pain. I am glad you are here but not for the reason you are here. This place will allow you to grieve as you need to without any judgments, without hurrying you along, without acting any way other than how you need to.

You ask many questions. Answers will come to you in your own time. Right now it is good to give loving care to yourself. Eat, drink plenty of water, rest and go for walks. Grief requires you to have tremendous stamina.

Others here will guide you to answers to all your questions. Guilt is one thing most of us feel after our loved ones die. We did the best we could do at the time. We must believe that.

We are here for you.

Anne

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Debbie

I'm in England and have been a member of this forum since my beloved husband Pete died two years ago this May. It's been a life line to me, and you will find some loving souls here who have also lost the love of their life and are trying somehow to carry on. I won't pretend it's easy. I am still feeling deep grief and I expect to feel that way until I die. But I'm still here. You can be sure we won't ask how you are doing in the hope that you will say Just fine when you are dying inside. We know how it is. The only advice I can give you at this early stage is to care for yourself by eating, resting, maybe writing about Jim. And please keep writing here. Most of us call in several times a day. I'm sure they will be introducing themselves to you. All we can offer is a listening ear and friendship in an awful situation. I am so very very sorry that your Jim has died, and in such a painful way for you both. Jan

[Wifflesnook]

As sometimes happens Anne and I were replying simultaneously!

[Guest jimand i]

Thank you Jan and Anne. It helps just knowing someone is listening.

Debbie

[feralfae]

Dear Debbie,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your beloved Jim. I hear your grief and also your sense of guilt. I had the same feelings that I should have done more, or differently, even though I knew i could not save him from leaving.

When all things are sorted out, I don't think there is any way to let go that is not painful. My husband Doug was diagnosed with advanced colon cancer in 2008, and I cared for him until he left in February of 2012. I did a lot of things right, and there are things I wish I had done better. One of his last requests was for some figs, and I did not get the right kind for him, and it still bothers me because I hated to let him down.

But Debbie, we do the best we can for the time we are in. For most of us, caring for our Beloved and trying to help them control the pain, being there to give them love and our touch, and helping them as they made transition was a huge job. Yes, we may have slipped up on some things, but that is part of being human. When we are faced with losing the most important person in our life, I think we have all done remarkably well through our own grief and loss.

I know these painful thoughts catch and hold us sometimes when we are in grief. You did the very best you could, and that is all you can do. Like me, you were probably beyond exhausted at the time, and doing what felt best for Jim.

Please be gentle and loving with yourself. Give your broken heart a lot of compassion and care. You are going through the toughest time in your life, I imagine.

I hope you have or can find a good grief counselor, and perhaps a good grief support group to join. Both can help you a lot. There are many good readings here, as well as tools to help with grief, and Marty has a special study course, which I think you can find by clicking on her name. Mary has a beautiful blog site with more resources, and I think you can get to hers by clicking her name.

Meanwhile, come here and be with us when you need to share or to be heard. We hear you and we understand. This is the very painful and hard beginnings of the journey, and you are still in a fog of grief. Be gentle with yourself.

Blessings and *<fairy dust>* for you, dear one.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Queeniemary]

Debbie, I am so sorry that you lost your Jim, and while we welcome you with open arms on this site, we wish you did not have to make this journey. I have been on this journey just over 4 years. My husband's death was sudden and unexpected, he suffered a massive coronary while I was in a hospital 1 1/2 hours away, just having gone through a total knee replacement 2 days before. I had spoken to him several time on the phone that evening, and made arrangements that I would call him in the morning. He died sometime after midnight. They tell me that it happened instantly.

When I found this place in April, after his death in January, it was like a coming home to me, the people here "got" it and I knew they would be here for me, helping me to start the healing, and holding me in their hearts during all the grieving. I have never regretted coming here. I think you have found the place you need to be right now.

As others have said, take care of yourself right now, your grief is so raw and new. I was in a fog for months, and really cannot tell you much about those months. Try to eat right, get rest, and drink plenty of water. Grieving takes so much energy, and we cannot stop the grieving, so we must take care that we take care of our bodies. Don't worry too much about things, just allow yourself to grieve.

Marty and Mary our moderators will have wonderful links for help, as well as advice to help you as you travel this awful road. Mary was a member of this forum before she became a moderator. She and I lost our spouses around the same time in 2010. Take care and come back often, we are here for you.

I will be thinking of you.

QMary

[kayc]

Oh Debbie, I am sorry! And we are listening. It's common to second guess ourselves afterwards, to feel guilty. The truth is, I'm sure he understands and accepts the care you gave him and knows you love him beyond description. I've always been haunted by not being there when my husband died...it was me that called his heart attack to their attention (the hospital), but they threw me off the ward and locked the door behind me. I wanted to be there as he left this world, we never did anything alone, we were always there for each other, but they denied me that. I have to believe that the faith we always had in each other still carries. That he knows I wanted to be there, that he knows I was praying as he departed. Our love is bigger than life. I'm sure it's that way for you too.

[praised74]

Blessings to you. My prayer is that you will find the comfort, strength and the peace to walk this path without your beloved. My husband passed away 10 months ago and I was up nights because I couldn't sleep. I went online and it was a blessing to me. I joined a support group which has helped also. There are books I have read and am reading, "How to go on living when someone you love dies, Reflections of a grieving spouse, Happily even after." My most important books has been the Bible and my devotionals which I read every morning. I hope that you will not rush this grieving process. I will continue to pray for you and for all of us as we start a new chapter in our lives.