First Post, Not Sure How To Title It.

[Adam1982]

Hello all,

My name is Adam. I'm grieving the loss of my older sister, who passed away on December 5th of 2012. It was the most horrifying experience of my life. She had gotten into a car accident that broke several major bones (thigh, clavicle, forearm) and had to be medivac'ed from the scene. In the coming months, she healed rather quickly, but got hooked on the pain medication. I had seen the symptoms of addiction, as I had old friends that I had cut out of my life because they were basically doing the same thing. I tried my best to warn my parents, but she was a legal adult so we couldn't just send her to a rehab unwillingly. So, we had to live with it. It got progressively worse and worse, with fights going from verbal to physical. She seemed to target me with the most aggression. It eventually got so bad that police got involved, and it just went downhill from there. Then, everything seemed to clear up miraculously. She got a job, and was doing good, or so we believed. She started isolating herself for extended periods of time, so I guess we grew complacent because there wasn't any fighting. One day, I arrive home from work or school, i don't remember, and my mother is frantic about my sister. We hadn't seen her in a couple days. I initially brushed it off cuz it seemed normal. Then my mom came back doing the same about 45 min later. This next part is hard for me. So we started knocking on her door, it was locked. called her phone, rang inside her room. Then I started panicking. I then noticed a smell coming from the room. I had never smelled it before but I instantly knew what it was. I grabbed a crowbar and pried her door off the hinges and broke it down. What I saw I will not post on here, but it stuck with me for months through flashbacks. Coroner and police came, worst day/night of my life. Completely indescribable what I felt then, and what I feel now. It was later ruled to be a bad batch of heroin. We had no idea she was doing it. I still cannot enter her room or go near her car. Since then, all the hopes and dreams for her fell to me, I could feel it through my parents. This sent me into nearly 3 years of isolation from all the anger, regret, sadness, etc that I felt. I couldn't hold a job, it's still kind of hard. My grades at college dropped. I was on the dean's list and had honors, then it all was gone. I couldn't focus, and the worst pat was that nobody truly understood what I was going through, because you only understand through experiencing it yourself, from what I've read. More hardships to deal with. So afterwards, I started to see a grief counselor and she has been great. I recently say a psych person because I had convinced myself there was something mentally wrong with me because of everything. I got a psych eval done thinking I have PTSD, which would make sense, but it came back negative. I just felt and sometimes still feel like I'm losing my mind. Also within the span of a week, several other people passed from heroin as well. I don't know what it is, but a lot of people use heroin around here. This town I live in used to be so nice with none of this crap happening. A few months pass, my grandmother passes, natural causes. Still very sad though, she was an awesome woman. A month after that, I start dating a girl I went to school with. I know it was a bad idea for a relationship, I guess I wasn't thinking straight at the time. She turns out to have Borderline Personality Disorder. Worst relationship of my entire life. Worst part about it is that she felt I was supposed to be over my sister's passing within a year. A YEAR!!!!! WTF! It was 8 months of emotional beat downs. I have my problems too, but I'm not a hostile person. I finally muster enough courage to break it off with her (I'm terrible at breakups) and she threatens me with suicide, says she's taking drugs and harming herself. This puts me over the edge. I call 911, then I hear she's fine after the 911 call, then I call 911 back because I'm afraid she would make up a report to the police or something. Then after research on BPD forums, I go no contact, and have been that way since i broke up with her. But this isn't about her. I'm almost done, sorry for the length. This past Easter morning on 4/20, my best friend of 15 years passed away from an overdose. I met him in 6th grade and we were inseparable up until we were 23-24, when I found out he was on heroin and he lied to me about it. I hold trust so high in my life that I will break off a friendship if it is violated. I have deep seeded trust issues. He was such a great friend that no one has come close that I've met since. I considered him more like a brother than anything else. I regret not being there for him. I just feel so sad and unhappy about EVERYTHING. It was a very sad funeral, but got happy by the end of the weekend. Luckily he left behind some really good memories that I cherish, and still make me laugh. I hadn't cried in 2 years since my sister had passed, as it completely broke me. I isolated my feelings and avoided emotion. Then when Dennis, my best friend passed, it changed. People praise me for still standing strong after so much turmoil. I'm surprised myself, but I feel like I'm crumbling from the inside out. I wanna explode, but I don't know how. I wanna scream, but I don't know what to scream. I only have one question after all of this. Why? What is it all for? What's the light at the end of the tunnel? I've gone to at least 5 or 6 funerals in the past 2 n a half years. I do smoke weed, as it helps with anxiety and seems to stabilize my mood. I do also see the contradiction there. I take clonazepam for anxiety, which the new Dr wants to switch me to an anti depressant which I'm all for. I don't wanna be on benzo's anymore. I'm prior service Army, and I go to the gun range a lot. It's very therapeutic for me to relieve aggression that I cannot get out otherwise. I think that's it for now, I just wanted to share my story and hopefully gain some insight or just opinion.

[enna]

Hello Adam,

The first thing I want to do is welcome you to this forum. I am sorry for the reason you are here. You have come to a place where healing can happen here. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I cannot imagine losing a twin. I have lost three off my siblings to cancer and brain trauma and I know how heartbroken I was and still am. All future dreams are gone and the bond we have with our siblings is like no other.

Seeking help is a good move ~ no one can manage this grief on their own. You sound like you are a very strong person - grieving is not a disease. A qualified grief counselor will be able to take you through these multiple losses.

Screaming and crying are good. Release of these strong emotions helps us see better. I have cried in the shower. I have cried in the desert as I walked a mountain trail.

Others here will have places for you to go to read and become aware of what grief is about.

Anne

[kayc]

Adam, I am so sorry about your sister, your grandma, and your friend, that is a whole lot of loss for such a short period of time! And a breakup too! You must feel like you're being held together with paste and ready to crumble. Going to the shooting range sounds like a good way to get out all of the "stuff" inside of you, you need a healthy outlet!

You must be strong or you wouldn't have made it thus far...but we understand, you probably don't FEEL strong at all! Anne has been through a lot, I have too. All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. One day at a time, anything more is too much to think about.

Does the college have someone for you to talk to? Right now it's probably hard to focus, let alone find motivation, is there a way to cut back on classes right now or would that blow your grants/financing? My son was in the Air Force when my husband died, and he had a real hard time of it. I told him to let people know he was grieving, most people will understand. Anyone that expects you to be "over it" in eight months is way out of line! The truth is, you never get over it, but we do get more adept at coping...it takes a while though. Hang in there.

[Adam1982]

Hello Adam,

The first thing I want to do is welcome you to this forum. I am sorry for the reason you are here. You have come to a place where healing can happen here. I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I cannot imagine losing a twin. I have lost three off my siblings to cancer and I know how heartbroken I was and still am. All future dreams are gone and the bond we have with our siblings is like no other.

Seeking help is a good move ~ no one can manage this grief on their own. You sound like you are a very strong person - grieving is not a disease. A qualified grief counselor will be able to take you through these multiple losses.

Screaming and crying are good. Release of these strong emotions helps us see better. I have cried in the shower. I have cried in the desert as I walked a mountain trail.

Others here will have places for you to go to read and become aware of what grief is about.

Anne

Anne, I'm terribly sorry for your losses of your siblings. I cannot imagine what that feels like in comparison to my situation. It has been hard, very hard. I appreciate your kind words.

[Adam1982]

Adam, I am so sorry about your sister, your grandma, and your friend, that is a whole lot of loss for such a short period of time! And a breakup too! You must feel like you're being held together with paste and ready to crumble. Going to the shooting range sounds like a good way to get out all of the "stuff" inside of you, you need a healthy outlet!

You must be strong or you wouldn't have made it thus far...but we understand, you probably don't FEEL strong at all! Anne has been through a lot, I have too. All I know to do is put one foot in front of the other and keep going. One day at a time, anything more is too much to think about.

Does the college have someone for you to talk to? Right now it's probably hard to focus, let alone find motivation, is there a way to cut back on classes right now or would that blow your grants/financing? My son was in the Air Force when my husband died, and he had a real hard time of it. I told him to let people know he was grieving, most people will understand. Anyone that expects you to be "over it" in eight months is way out of line! The truth is, you never get over it, but we do get more adept at coping...it takes a while though. Hang in there.

Yeah, pretty much, Some days are easy like it never happened, then others are so dark I can't see the light. Seriously, the range saves me when I really want to explode. I feel so much better after every outing. That's what I'm doing, day by day. Stress comes way too easy though. I recently spoke to a few advisers at school about everything. They seemed more lenient and more willing to help, but ultimately, they do not seem to be that type of college. (money) It's a difficult thing for me to tell someone though. I feel as though I'm burdening them to force a reaction that they wouldn't normally give otherwise. I've considered taking a semester off, but honestly, I just want to finish. I'm about a year from my degree, and I'd like to get out of this school ASAP, as I've already spent more years here than necessary, because I switched my major halfway through, before all of this happened. I have the summer at least, so I'm looking to have a summer where I won't be myself. I feel the need to let loose. I'm an introvert, and too much of everything goes inward.

[kayc]

You might consider seeing a grief counselor to help you through the maze of grief and just to know where to start with dealing with it. Also, there are grief support groups in nearly all cities, it's good to be able to share with others that understand and not have to worry about someone saying stupid things like "you need to move on" or "you should be over it by now". I hate the platitudes from people who don't have a clue what it's like.

[MartyT]

I like the advice you've received from Anne and Kay, Adam, and I hope you will seriously consider finding a grief support group or a counselor who specializes in grief and loss. I don't know if you like to read, or even if you have time for reading outside of your studies, but another way to help yourself is to learn about what is normal in grief. As it happens, there are several books written by those whose siblings have died, and websites aimed at sibling loss as well. You'll find many of them listed on my site's Death of a Sibling or Twin page, here: http://www.griefhealing.com/death-of-a-sibling-or-twin.htm.

One book I'd especially recommend to you is The Courage to Grieve, by Judy Tatelbaum. The author is herself a bereaved sibling and writes from her own experience how long it took for her to acknowledge and deal with her grief at the loss of her brother, and the price she paid for doing so. From Amazon's review: Judy Tatelbaum gives us a fresh look at understanding grief, showing us that grief is a natural, inevitable human experience, including all the unexpected, intense and uncomfortable emotions like sorrow, guilt, loneliness, resentment, confusion, or even the temporary loss of the will to live. The emphasis is to clarify and offer help, and the tone is spiritual, optimistic, creative and easy to understand. Judy Tatelbaum provides excellent advice on how to help oneself and others get through the immediate experience of death and the grief that follows . . .