Toxicology Report Came Back, Help?!

[Neilslittlesister]

My brother and only sibling died on 2/15/14. We thought he was murdered, because he was robbed and he was found on his bed with his head resting in blood. About 12x12 in diameter. There was also a bloody pillowcase found in the washing machine. This has been a living nightmare from day 1. We used to be such normal people. This doesn't happen to normal people- this happens in Tv.

So my parents were completely out of it/recently divorced/ and everything fell to me.

I live in texas with my three kids, while husband is serving in Afghanistan.

I was the one who spoke to the medical examiner, detectives, crime scene people, I made the funeral arrangements, picked everything out, signed for the bill, got my children and myself on 3 flights to GA. Called Red Cross- got my hubby home, picked out the casket, flowers, music, printed out the pictures, saw his blackened face and head. Fought with my mothers boyfriend, ignored the fact that my father couldn't go inside, Buried him in my husbands family plot so we can be together forever. Follow calls, thankyous, everything fell to me and I did it. I think I did a good job. All this and I get the call today that my brother was not murdered but OD'd on GHB, cocaine, alcohol. People were probably there and they ran in fear but he couldn't have survived this dose of GHB. My brother drank on weekends. That's all I knew. He lived with me for an entire year prior to his death four months after he moved out. He did not do drugs here. He was no addict?!?! I'm so hurt, confused, angry, sad, and I've literally been crying all day. It's been 3 months and the last few weeks I could feel myself growing stronger! Then this.

I'm in grief counseling, and loss of a loved one bible study. I have strong faith in The Lord, but this report has completely knocked me down. I'm here asking for prayers. Also, od deaths... Will I ever be okay again? Please help me.

[Neilslittlesister]

This is my first post.

[kayc]

I read your post...welcome to this site, although I wish you could be out enjoying life with your brother, instead of writing your anguish here. I can only imagine what you have been feeling and going through in the past three months.

I'm glad they let your husband come home and be with your during this time. I also know from when my husband died and my son came home, that they don't get to stay very long.

I am confused...why all of the blood and why did his head look beaten and how was he robbed if this was a drug overdose? Have they explained that to you? It doesn't make any sense to me. Particularly since you never knew him to do drugs. I'm sure you've voiced all this to the police.

You ask if you'll ever be okay again. Yes and no. You will again resume life and learn to go on, but you will not be the same person you were "before". If it's any consolation, you will be more sensitive to others that go through things, you will have an added awareness and depth to you, but it's like innocence will be gone. No longer will you take life for granted. There will be good and bad aspects to these changes...I look back to time "before" my husband died and it seemed such a sweet innocent time, life was good. It has been nine years since, I've learned to adjust to life without him as well as one can adjust. Life is different now, I needn't tell you. I miss him. I do life alone now. You have lost the person that had shared history with you, the person you had since childhood, the person that understood, as you, where you came from, your parents' quirks, etc. The person that had shared memories with you. That is hard.

But yes,you will have a "life after", just not like it would have been. It takes time, oh so much time, to grieve, to come to terms with, adjust, learn how to do this "new normal". I used to hate that term as it seemed anything but normal, but I don't think that's what meant by it...we get a new norm after we lose someone, it takes a lot of adjusting to adapt to it

You might want to consider seeing a grief counselor. I can't tell you how helpful that can be, they can help guide you through the maze of grief at a time when it's hard for you to even think.

You've been going on adrenaline because you've had to. One day that will stop and you will find yourself in a muddy fog, unable to think, hard to breathe. Perhaps you're there already. Know that it will clear someday. Meanwhile it's up to you to do your best for yourself, take care of YOU, eat/drink healthy, avoid alcohol/drugs, get exercise. Take a day at a time, anything else can be too much. Plan something enjoyable for yourself, even if only lunch with a friend.

Friends will have a hard time relating. People feel awkward about death, almost like they view it as something contagious. They don't stop and consider that we might liked to have not had it rear it's ead in our doorway either. It's good to find a grief support group that can relate and share together commonalities. And come here. Voice yourself. Therein restores the power taken from us when we lost our loved one without any say in it whatsoever. We're here, listening...

Prayers...you've got them! I'm sorry for all you've been going through.

[MartyT]

Dear littlesister, I too am so sorry to learn of this traumatic death of your brother. You say that you are in grief counseling as well as part of a Bible study group focused on loss of a loved one, and that is good to know. And as Kay has said, you can be sure of our prayers and our support as you find your way through this devastating loss.

Your reaction to the toxicology report is completely understandable, and your grief is complicated by all the confusion and uncertainty surrounding this sudden and traumatic death. You don't know if you're dealing with a homicide or a suicide ~ all you do know is that your beloved brother is dead, and that alone is enough to bring you to your knees.

I want to point you to some resources that I hope will be helpful to you. They can help you understand better some of what you may be feeling, assure you that you are not alone in reacting the way you are, and offer you some specific ways to manage your reactions.

If you don't have the ability to concentrate right now, just save these links until you feel ready to visit them and absorb their contents. Additional resources can be found on the Traumatic Loss page of our Grief Healing website, but I've selected these for you as a start:

Coping with Sudden and Traumatic Loss

The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 1

The Grief of An Overdose Death, Part 2

The Aftermath of Murder

A Murder In The Family

Dealing with Sudden, Accidental or Traumatic Death

Grief Due to Complicated Death

Homicide: Resources for Death, Grief, and Survivors of Homicide

Articles by Belleruth Naparstek, Expert in PTSD and Innovator in Guided Imagery

[mfh]

Dear littlesister,

I am so sorry to learn of all that has happened and all you are dealing with. Your feelings are totally understandable and certainly make what is already a huge loss, the death of your brother, so much more difficult to deal with and grieve.

The information you have been given, when you are ready, will probably help you to get a better understanding of all the feelings you have. I want you to know that this group of people are compassionate, ready to listen, and will embrace and support you as you walk through all this.

May you find a moment of peace often,

Mary

[kayc]

I'm sorry that I missed that you're already in a grief support group. Do you find it helpful? I really wish I could have attended one, but I'm about 50-60 miles from anything. I've heard that they can really be helpful.

I hope that you will come back here and let us know how you're doing, what has transpired, and just voice yourself, it really does help to be heard.

[Neilslittlesister]

Thank you so much for getting back with me. The day I wrote that I had just gotten the news. Be done research since then...

And the most important thing for me to remember is my brother is dead. How or why doesn't matter cause in the end he's gone. I keep reminding myself of that. When I focus on his life- instead of his death I do so much better. The report took me back to his death. Then made him responsible!

Marty I read and went through every one of those groups- thank you so much! I was hibernating in bed crying and reading those helped so much.

My hubby came home for 2 days for the funeral. But he cleaned the scene, and removed all the blood, got all my brothers things...so I'm forever grateful.

He's also a battalion commander so it made him look bad to come back here- and he did it anyway- for me. I'm so blessed.

Acceptance is hard. It's going to be very hard for me to believe that quite possibly my brother did drugs. Not just drugs but ghb. I've read so much about this drug- and I can't help but wonder could this have even been a suicide?

Again, I have to let go of how and focus on his life.

I'm not in a group therapy but a grief therapist. She's been really wonderful. If nothing else- it's a place where I can SAY ANYTHING I WANT. It's a place that I do say anything I want. Like- my dad killed him. It's his fault cause he was abusive. If my brother did drugs it's cause of him. I would never voice that aloud anywhere. It's a safe place.

That's what seeing her does for me. Gives me safety.

Thank you ladies for reaching out. Sometimes it feels as if I'm on an island all alone with my grief and pain.

[MartyT]

You are so welcome, my dear ~ and I think that, like being with your grief therapist, you will come to know this circle as yet another safe place, where you can share anything you need to and know that it will be held in confidence, with honor and respect, and with absolutely no judgments. I know it sometimes feels as if you are all alone on that island of grief and pain, but I assure you that, when you are here with us, you are among many compassionate friends who want only to offer our understanding, empathy and support. ♥

[Neilslittlesister]

I get annoyed when I have to sign in to respond. Then I get to type my user name. Neil's little sister. That's what I always was. His Light was so bright... I could never compete with him. Mostly I didn't want to. Growing up on family vacations shared with cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents- I think I felt overshadowed. When he was in the room I became invisible.

It served me well when dad was angry. Neil was always the loudest. He was seen. Heard. So he was beat- the most and often. My dad abused me too- but he hated Neil. He was jealous of the close relationship my mom and brother had. In fact, it had been several years since my brother and father spoke. Can you imagine being the parent whose kid died and you hadn't spoken to him?? So I reached out to my dad. Stayed with him mostly for the funeral. My parents like to fight over my children. It's great! :/

I had so much guilt with that. Neil wouldn't want me to ever speak to him again. I'm not honoring my brother by associating with my dad. But I saw a psychic medium- against my religious beliefs-after Neil's passing- and asked about my father. Neil/Medium said- over here is only love. Work out everything you can on your side or you will have to work it out on the other side. I took that as it's okay to have a relationship with my dad.

I live my life always thinking of others, and how they feel. God blessed me with compassion, and empathy, and a willingness to forgive. He also gave me an addiction to chocolate that just isn't right and the scale shows it! Haha

I just don't want to regret anything in my life-mostly hurting others. My dreams have come true already...I've had a wonderful life with my husband and children. I feel so guilty because my brother never accomplished his dreams. Everything left of him fits in a shoebox on my nightstand. I didn't do enough for him. If I could do it all over, I would have waited on him hand and foot. I would have complimented him more. I would have said, I love you.

[mfh]

Dear littlesister,

I support you in your reaching out to your father. It makes you a bigger person. Forgiveness does not mean we forget what that person did. It means we are not going to hang on to it and get in the way of loving. I do not think I know anyone who has lost a beloved person who does not or has not struggled with guilt including myself. It is difficult to remember that at the time we did the best we could. Your brother knows that.

And then there is the chocolate thing. You are in good company here because there are a lot of chocolate lovers in this circle...enjoy it...it is good for you.

[kayc]

I was going to say that, Mary beat me to the punch...my scale shows it too! LOL

You are learning...the same things we have learned. I think it's normal to wish we'd done something different but in time we work it out and realize we did our best with the knowledge given at the time.

I've never seen a psychic and I understand your misgivings in lieu of your religious views, but it seemed to bring you peace, that's what's important.

This place is a safe place too.

I don't have to sign in, I think there's a place to check "remember me" or maybe it's a windows thing, but when I open the browser it remembers my username and pw and I just go right in.

[catch108stchs]

Oh,"little sister". Your most recent post has me in tears. I can so relate to everything you said.

I hope you're doing ok. ♡