Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Long Story.......

Recommended Posts

Mine is a long story but I will try to make it short. My husband and I have had much trauma in our 40 year marriage. Our only child became ill with a brain tumor when he was 14. He was misdiagnosed and he was 17 when they operated and the "cyst" turned out to be a benign brain tumor that left him with epilepsy. The next 10 years were awful as my husband was letting our son drive with uncontrolled seizures when I wasn't home. Thanks to God, no one was hurt or killed. It caused much strife between me and my husband who wanted to be more our son's friend then father. I ended up having a nervous breakdown over all this. His dr. took control and had our son's license taken from him. My husband was furious. After 5 brain surgeries, they were able to stop his seizures. But hard feelings continued between me and my husband.

Then, my husband lost his job. Because I was so fragile emotionally (traumatic childhood too), I could not work. My husband fell into a deep depression. He was able to find another job that paid half what he made before. He was able to work but he stayed in the front bedroom when he was home. He stayed in the bedroom, sleeping all weekend and after work. I did everything I could to cut costs. Then, I fell off a ladder and broke my leg. :( My husband was out of town and furious when I called him. He refused to come home for 3 days. My son was out of town and tried to get home but it took him 2 days. I had 2 surgeries on my leg. My husband got me home and screamed and yelled at me. I felt terrible I had cost us so much money. Again, he stayed in the front room and I had to care for myself, falling again and opening my leg incision but not breaking my leg again. My husband was again furious and called my son to take me to the ER, leaving me bleeding on the floor. Our son was so angry at his father but got me to the ER where they closed the incision. More money. :(

2 years later, making the story short, I ended up on life support after outpatient surgery. This time, my husband was very worried and stayed by my side. But I again felt so guilty over the money. Then, my husband became ill and I had to have him rushed to the ER with a virus that mimicked a stroke. I cared for him when we came home for 6 weeks. Then, I did it again. My bad leg gave out on me and I fell but did not tell my husband. My hip began hurting so badly I told him and I went to an ortho who said I had bursitis. Again, to shorten this, I ended up in terrible pain in the ER 4 times. My third ortho said I needed a hip replacement but my husband said it was all in my head and I wanted attention only. My friends felt the same and said they were fed up too. I tried so hard to bear it but finally the hip replacement was done where they found I had actually hair line fractured my hip. I picked up an antibiotic resistant infection that was very stressful but is clear so far. I am home and my husband did help me but I see anger in his eyes. I worked hard to get walking so he could get back to work.

Then my dear father died of a heart attack, It was devastating to me. I loved him so.

During this time, I lost three dogs I really loved. They were so precious and I adored them especially Emily, who seemed to understand my pain and stayed so close to me. I got another one to be friends with Monty and then I lost Monty. Bunnie was left and I decided to get no more animals for awhile. Months later, Bunnie died suddenly.

I live in great fear of more bad things happening. We are in financial peril because of me and I know my husband blames me. Despite all this, I do love him but I fear for him. He looks so tired and old and eats constantly for comfort. He's terribly overweight. It's hard to sleep at night and I have terrible panic attacks. And the tears over my father still come. We have had some counseling but can't afford anymore.

It feels like fear of bad things and fear of losing my husband swirl around me and I could use any advice given to me. I know this sounds like a huge drama but I have tried to shorten things as best as possible. If I sound confused it's because I am. It may be the administrators don't feel a post like this belongs here and I will understand if they delete it.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am not an administrator but I feel I know them enough to say they wouldn't delete this, and of course you belong here!

I am so sorry for...goodness, your whole life it seems! You have been through a lot.

Marriage, as we all know, takes a lot of work...there's a lot of ups and downs, and it certainly isn't perfect. Even so, the two of you have been through a lot. It seems you've both gotten into the pattern of judge/blame instead of trying to relate/understand each other. When you try to understand each other, it brings you closer, when you blame each other, it drives you further apart.. You can't change him, only how you are and how you respond to him. You say you've had counseling, did you find it was helping? Sometimes a clergyman will counsel free of charge. I know when $ is tight it's hard to spend it on something you don't have to, esp. if that $ cuts into your grocery $.

How are you doing physically now? Is your hip and leg okay now? With the Obamacare in place, surely you now have medical insurance. It may not be perfect, but it is better than nothing.

You are living in fear because you have been conditioned to think that bad is all that there is. Have you tried staying in "today"? Living in the present is one of the biggest anecdotes I know to anxiety. Calm yourself, tell yourself to stay in the present. Whatever happens tomorrow, you will deal with it when it comes, but right now today is all that you really have, and it's enough. I know that sounds like a cliche, but really it isn't, it's something I've had to work through myself. I have anxiety and I live alone so I have had to learn to calm myself and bring myself back into the present.

I am sorry you've lost your dogs...one would be a lot to deal with, but three in a short time is a lot. Have you considered getting another one? I know it doesn't replace any of them and would not be the same, but you have a lot of love to give, it'd be nice to have something that would reciprocate it and they do have a way of worming their way into our hearts with their own personality and ways.

Rather than thinking you're in financial peril because of YOU, why not replace that with you are in financial peril due to CIRCUMSTANCES. That way it isn't as personal or blaming to you. Your life has handed out things to you that you could not anticipate or control, that doesn't make it your fault. But you have continued trying to deal with it the best you could, and in my eyes, that makes you strong and admirable, not to "blame".

Your husband has dealt with some of the things that have happened in a way that surely caused you some inner hurt. He may not have intended to hurt you, but may have acted out of fear. I hope you have been able to forgive him. Forgiveness doesn't mean it was okay, but it releases him and more importantly, releases you for it's continued power over you.

Have you discussed your panic attacks with your doctor? I am on Buspirone which is in a class of its own, doesn't alter the brain, is touted as safe, and it's helped take the edge off for me so that I can better cope. It doesn't leave me robotic or without feeling, just helps me feel more "normal". I imagine I'll be on it the rest of my life as I have GAD and have had it since I was a child. I rather imagine it is inherited as most in my family have anxiety. Prayer/meditation helps too. There is a lot about meditation on this site, you might want to try that.

How is your son doing now?

I am sorry you lost your dad. Losing a parent is never easy, esp. if we felt they were the only ones to love us unconditionally. They've always been there for us and it's hard to imagine life without them. Do you still have your mom?

I am glad you came here, this is a safe place for you to come to. There should be others along shortly as well. I hope you will feel comfortable coming back and continuing to post here.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for replying to my post. As I typed it, I felt such despair and confusion. I just can not believe all that has happened.

As for my son, God has given him a miracle so far. An experimental surgery has so far stopped his seizures for 11 years. Before this, he married very young and went through a stressful divorce after being married less then a year. He came back with us until he had his surgery. Three years later, he met the sweet young woman he has been married to for 10 years now. We love her very much.

I am with my husband because he does try. I found a wonderful therapist he really liked. I was astounded when my husband actually made an appointment to have a session alone with him. I never thought my husband would accept help much less reach out for it. It helped but then we could no longer afford to go back. It was unfortunate. We do have insurance but could not afford the co-pays any longer.

The only thing that gave me any strength besides God is that fact that, when my husband had his other job, I could afford to go to a wonderful counselor for years until she retired. How I miss her! But she was so wonderful to me and helped lead me through the amazing maze of my abusive childhood and on to my marriage. Her guidance, and God's, is all that even came close to holding me together. My childhood was extremely traumatic (severe emotional abuse).

My husband is not interested in anymore counseling, even free. I tried to find another one but never could find one I could really relate to so I gave up. As you can see, my husband is emotionally abusive. He's done a lot better then I ever thought he would but it rears it's ugly head from time to time. If he insults me, I make statements like, "I won't accept that" and he seems confused when I do that. At the same time, my husband has always been the workhorse of our family. And he's tired. My health has not been great. I now have Type 2 diabetes and need a both knees replaced. My hip is still painful but a lot better. I use a walker because I fear falling again until I have my knee replacements. My husband accepts I use a walker but will not accept that a wheelchair would be such a relief at times. He refuses to let me buy one and said he would not push me in one.

I do believe that it is inner fear he suffers from. From time to time, I see a window into him that lets me see he is suffering too. He loves our son so much and when our son became ill, went into compete denial. He battled me on everything, even taking him to the doctor that was finally able to help him. I admit to resentment over my husband being so hard to get along with. Our son could have had his surgery 2 years earlier if my husband hadn't have fought my efforts so hard. But I have to admit I don't always realize my husband's need to be understood. He doesn't often reveal his pain due to all that has happened. The loss of his job of 25 years rocked his soul so badly and I felt powerless to help him.

I was with each of our sweet dogs when they died and it tore my heart out. But I saw to it that they didn't suffer. But my husband would not go with me when I had to take them to be put to sleep. He acted like nothing happened and told me to "shut up" when the tears would come. And I had the strength to tell him "No" when he said it. But I forgot to say I do have another sweet dog I love dearly and we got him because of my husband. He just drove into a rescue center, took me in and I picked out one quickly and left because it hurt to see all those dogs begging for homes. Last night, I found a large lump on my dogs side and, although my husband isn't happy about it, I am taking him to a vet. And I sure am praying. He's only 4 years old and so loving.

My fear of losing my husband is because he won't take care of himself. He eats and eats and gets mad if I don't like what he cooked. He finally DID go in for lab tests when I noticed something he had tried to hide. Prostate cancer runs in his family and I think he's very scared. Only when I noticed it did he immediately agree to go into the dr. We are waiting for the results.

Yes, I use prayer and meditation. I sometimes fall asleep holding my bible. It seems to help. My dr. wanted me on valium which I refused because I almost became addicted to that years ago. He thinks I also have GAD but Buspar didn't help me. My source of peace used to be waking for miles each day on the beach, something I can no longer do. I miss it so much. I do understand our financial problems are due to circumstances but my husband and friends seem to blame me for some reason. "It's always something with you" they say and many of my friends have walked away from me. I have one left and she recently told me I "do all this" for attention. So, I will no longer take her calls. I have isolated myself.

I am rambling again. I am so sorry. I am not a perfect person and I acknowledge that. I do take blame for some things that have happened. I do appreciate your reply.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am sorry Buspar didn't work for you, medicine does seem to work differently for different people. My former doctor prescribed Valium for me and I refused it too because I don't want something addictive.

You do right to not accept abuse, no matter who it's from...you don't need or deserve it. People have a choice, they can be respectful to each other, or they can stay away, it's as simple as that.

I hope your dog's lump turns out to be okay. Is it very big? My dog has had one all his life but it hasn't grown and they just said they'd keep an eye on it, it isn't very big.

I'm glad your son's life has turned out well and he has a good wife, that is worth it's weight in gold, isn't it! :) I'm lucky too that my kids each have a spouse that loves them.

I suffered abuse from parents and then spouses until my late 40s. George was my third husband and the one that was wonderful to me...he passed away nine years ago. I know what it's like and it's hard. It sounds like your husband does care about you but doesn't always know how to show it. I have a sister who is married to someone like that. I know that it's fear speaking when he yells at her, it's hard for her though but deep down she does know he loves her even if it doesn't always come across that way.

If your husband refuses counseling, all you can do is try to get it for yourself so you can best know how to deal with your situation.

Perhaps since you can't walk (I love that too, I can relate...I live in the mountains and love nature and wildlife), you can drive someplace where you can sit in nature and absorb it's peace.

I'm so sorry friends have been such a disappointment. I would encourage you to try not to give up on all people, and instead try to find some new ones that are more positive and supportive. Isolation can wreak havoc with our thinking. Do you have a church that you go to? Perhaps you could start by inviting someone out for coffee, just to get out and get to know someone new. It can be a help not only to you but to them. Some of us are outgoing and some are introverts, but it is good for us to make effort even if it doesn't come natural...I have to force myself to sometimes.

What your husband went through, losing his long term job, is a real and difficult loss. I lost my dream job after my husband died...since then I've had two other layoffs and I finally retired sooner than I'd intended to as people don't seem to want to hire someone my age no matter how much our experience and knowledge. You have to relearn your identity when that happens...actually, reinvent it.

It's another loss to lose our physical health and ability to do things. You have experienced that and that is a lot to deal with.

None of us are perfect people, but we're all in this together!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

You are certainly stronger then me. You have been through so much. I can find strength when I need to but I feel so worn down. I'm tired. It might be a lot easier with no money problems but that's not the case.

It doesn't help that I am a constant worrier. It comes from my childhood. I never knew what to expect from my Mother who I realized late in life was always very mentally ill. She is still with us, age 83, in an ALF with dementia. I never knew what she was going to do. She liked to blindside me. When I said I loved our cute sewing machine, because I loved to sew, she sold it the next day while I was at school and, with a big smile, said we really didn't need one. When I said I didn't like a dress I had, she crept into my room while I was sleeping and took all the clothes I had except that dress and I had to wear it to school. I worked 8 hours after school every day....but they paid her. She told me it was rent, for her letting me live in her house. My anxiety level was always very high and still is because my husband has so many of her traits. I realize she was very sick and probably very abused as a child also. But my nerves were just shot because I always had to be very careful about not being set up. I was so sleep deprived I had to drop out of college for a year because I felt on the verge of a nervous breakdown. After we were married, I finished college.

I was luckier with my husband. Even tho he is so much like her, he has cared to work on himself and I do see improvement. Even so, he is not above going behind my back. I am very sensitive to anything anyone does that blindsides me. I believe that's also called manipulation, something I have experienced my whole life. At the same time, he does show he cares about me. He does seem to realize how fragile I am emotionally at times. And boy, am I. At the same time, I realize he has also been through a lot tho his childhood was much happier then mine. But he had to look for a job at a time he could not retire and yet no one wanted anyone his age. I have only seen my husband cry twice.....When they told us our son had a brain tumor and when he lost his job. He didn't cry in front of me when told about our son. I was in tears and he was really very cold to me, saying I was making a scene. I ran to the chapel and cried. When I had settled down, I went to look for him and saw him in a room with a small window. He was crying so I didn't go in. I let him cry it out. But he did cry in front of me when he lost his job of 25 years. The company was bought out by a foreign company and they put their people in and the Americans were out. That should never happen in America. He was so upset I arranged for him to be seen by a dr. and then had a close friend call him. Both seemed to help.

So, we both DO try. When I found the lump on my sweet dogs side, I immediately went into a tailspin, crying in the back bathroom. At first, my husband took a hard stance with me, telling me to grow up and get over it, that my dog was fine. After a sleepless night, my husband said to me in the kitchen, "Do you really think I'm going to let anything happen to that dog if I can help it? I know what he means to you". So, I get such conflicting signals from my husband. But we are taking him to the vet, hopefully tomorrow. My dog I had growing up meant so much to me. I would hold her and cry when my Mother was cruel to me and fall asleep with her in my arms. And each dog I have had has meant a lot to me. It seemed like they were and are the only things in life that never hurt me.

I just wish I didn't "anticipate" things. I immediately thought the worse when I found this big lump on my dogs side. Losing him would be such a blow. My husband left to go out of town for a night and my anxiety level grew even higher. He drives long distances and I'm so worried about that "knock on the door". Our son does too and that's a worry. The thought of being alone really really frightens me.

I so appreciate your caring. I get so confused at times and so scared. I guess I reached out to my friends so much, they just got tired of hearing it. One did tell me she felt so sorry for me because I didn't seem to know which way to turn. She gave me a beautiful Bible I treasure and I am trying to learn to give things to God that have me so upset I can't even think. Yet, this friend is the one that told me I do things for attention and I again went into a tailspin, believing her. I just can't talk to her right now.

I'm too upset, confused and scared. Thank you again, with all my heart. I can't even read some posts in the other forums yet because I feel so bad for people yet I get depressed me at the same time.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It sounds like maybe your husband downplays things, minimizing them in an effort to make them easier to deal with, yet at the same time doesn't want you to think he doesn't care because he does. It is hard for many men to cry in front of others, you were good to give him his space.

Your mom was as cruel as mine. There's no understanding that, just know it wasn't because of you, it was her own issues. I could write a book...I could write a whole miniseries on the things I've been through. Starting life out with a mom like that makes it hard to know what normal is or how to make healthy choices for oneself. Your friend my have been out of patience or whatever but had no call to make the judgment she did let alone say that you try to get attention. She obviously doesn't understand what it's like to live your life. That doesn't mean she's a bad friend, just that there's some things she doesn't get.

I've found, in my grief journey, that people who have not experienced it "don't get it" no matter how close a friend they were. I've learned not to look to them for understanding in that area. I've been on this forum for nearly nine years and have learned so much from the wonderful people who have come and gone through these doors. The people here have taught me so much, bravery, courage, will to live, coping in difficult times, etc.

I, too, have had financial difficulties as so many in America have. I'm nearly 62 and have 45 years experience working in offices and yet when I looked for work avidly for a year, I got no offers. It IS hard to find work at this age, and coupled with the long commute, I decided to retire. I have enough to pay bills but nothing leftover for food/gas, but I sell things to get by. All was going well but right after I retired, I broke a leg, injured some tendons, injured my neck and had no medical insurance because my boss didn't come through with medical insurance for me as he'd promised. I was informed at the same time that I needed a new roof and soon thereafter that I needed a new 36' ramp. I can tell you I have made it through everything and if I can survive, you can too. I tell you that to encourage you. Some of the people here have had to deal with much more difficult issues than I have, but they're hanging in there. I think if you read people's stories here, rather than feel upset, you would be greatly encouraged. They are an amazing bunch!

I know what it is to feel overwhelmed...all the more reason to stay in "today" and do what you can that day. Good luck to you with all you are facing. I hope it helps to let some of it off your chest, sometimes it really just helps to have somewhere safe to turn to where you know you are heard.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My husband is a complicated man. He dropped our dinner from the oven tonight accidentally and strode to the bedroom angrily and has been in there 4 hours. He will be there until he has to go to work in the morning. I do understand his life has not been easy. He seems to feel responsibility for me then resents it. I told him I could drive myself to get my hair cut today but he insisted on driving me home from out of town and taking me. When I came out to the waiting room, I saw the resentment in his eyes. In the car, he snapped at me and I told him I DID NOT ASK HIM TO TAKE ME. I was met with a stony silence all the way home. He just seems so angry al the time and he directs it at me. Sometimes he's very kind and other times he's like this. He seems to love and care about me but I think the huge resentment of me not working plus piling up all these medical bills eats at him.

We had very different childhoods. He had freedom to learn life. He worked hard and guarded his money fiercely. I had no freedom. The day before our wedding, I had to ask for permission to go to the store and money to buy what I needed. The answer was no. The say of the wedding, my Mother yelled and screamed and ranted all day. I sat on my bed crying, begging the clock to go faster. I had to drive myself to the wedding as my Mother did not want me in her car because she did not want to look at my face. She refused Mother daughter pictures which was fine with me but other relatives were appalled. And it didn't stop after I got married either except for the fact my husband was a bigger bully then her and she respected that.

My marriage wasn't much better. I had food smashed in my face, my things broken and he yelled so loud I know the neighbors knew he to was an abuser.

One of my saving grace's was that God led me to one of the most amazing counselor's ever. I went to her for 12 years until she retired and even eventually got my husband to go with me. He was uncomfortable and had a hard time understanding he was abusive. She asked me how I felt about him and I told him I was afraid of him. He seemed astounded and I remember wondering if this was because this was the norm in HIS house. I believed he saw abuse of his Mother and terrible anger from his Father. He never discussed it but his brother told me yes, his Father yelled and screamed and slapped his Mother. So, my husband holds this in. To him, they were the most wonderful parents ever and he WAS extremely spoiled and disrespectful.

He's had trouble in his job because he was disrespectful to his boss but this boss seemed to know how to guide him. He is strict but fair and has earned respect from my husband. I am impressed.

But my counselor.....I will always be so grateful to her. She would call me at home and we would talk through my tears and she did not charge me for that. I was so sad when she retired and have never heard from her again. She told me, "You have the tools now and you can use them". So I try to remember the things she taught me.

My dog is fine and I am so relieved. He's such a comfort to me. And I saw my husband talking to people, being happy and kind and talking about our animals to other people waiting. He thinks our dog is a wonderful little guy and he is. He is the one that took me to pick him out at the rescue, not my idea, saying to me, "You have to have a dog, honey. It helps you".

So, I get mixed signals from him. The physical abuse has stopped. There has been verbal and emotional abuse which hurts but I AM able to see that as his problem. I know I am a good person with terrible anxiety. I have been reading this site and it helps so much. When I read what some people have gone through, I am ashamed of my complaining.

Today was a difficult day and last night was worse because I could not sleep but I got through it. I am so encouraged by you and by what I read here. I can no longer afford counseling and it does help to get it out. I am so grateful to you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

The things you are sharing are valid concerns and nothing to be ashamed of. You have to have somewhere to turn to. Have you considered trying a new counselor or is it not covered under your insurance? Remember, lots of churches have counseling that is available free of charge.

I'm so glad your dog is okay! That must be a big relief to you.

It is up to you what you accept/put up with from others, but I don't recommend living in fear...I've been there and it's not a good place to be. Are you able to tell your husband how you feel?

I'm sorry dinner was ruined...more the evening than the food. It sounds like your husband just doesn't know how to deal with his emotions in a positive way. He could have smiled and said, "Oops! 5 second rule!" and laughed it off while cleaning up. or "Good, a chance to take you out for a burger!" But he hasn't learned those skills...making light of something or turning something bad into something good. Some people feel everything so intensely, feel down on themselves and then don't know how to handle it. I'm glad you know it's not you. And you had the moxy to tell him you didn't ask for a ride, it's good to voice yourself and not accept backlash.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am glad Kay mentioned counseling through churches. It can be a refuge without adding financial stress.

I wanted to mention that there are many kinds of support groups, and you might find one that is right for you close to home. I think you need some more support, and if you have clergy, maybe they could help you to find a support group. I do hope you can find some helpful people close to your home. You have such a lot going on.

Anger is such a difficult emotion to handle, both for the person carrying the anger and for those around that person. Is your husband open at all to some help with his anger? It just sounds like the entire situation needs some outside support and assistance.

I hope you are doing all right today, and that you have a few minutes of peace for yourself. Are you able to meditate? There are wonderful meditations available through the internet.



Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for your replies. Things have gone from bad to worse. It now looks like my husband may lose THIS job after 10 years. He lost his first job of 25 years to a company buy out and it liked to killed the poor guy. His job has always defined him and he had a hard time finding this one. Now he is only one year from retirement and they are treating him so poorly. They say they are restructuring and will "let him know more next week". Corporate people are so cruel. Then they are shocked when it happens to them. My husband has had so many knives in his back. Even though he can be SO hard to get along with, I do feel bad for him. Still, if this happens, I can't stand the thought of maybe having to go through it again.

I went into a tailspin but have caught myself. I "anticipate". Even though it looks like he MAY lose his job doesn't mean he is going to. I did have a major panic attack and there will probably be no sleep for me tonight. It's like it just takes one thing to set me off into panic. I wish I had been given a better foundation in life but my Mother didn't have one so did not have one to give to me. I woke up every morning even as a child so scared. The panic attacks started as a teenager. I never knew what my day was going to be like. Some days were calm. Other days, I would hear Mother screaming for me to get my <blank> downstairs. She would tell me she didn't have teenage daughters for nothing, that she was through doing housework and it was OUR turn. She was like 2 different people but got a lot worse as we got older.

So as not to ramble. I have decided to try something. I'm not sure I can as I am very agoraphobic. But I want to try to go back to church this Sunday. We are Catholic and I always found the mass very calming But having so many people around me was disturbing to me too. They even, at one time, would have people hold hands or hug and that really disturbed me. So, I always sat in the back where I could walk to the corner. Also, because of my hip and knees, I'm not sure how long I can sit. I have a lot of pain. But, despite these obstacles, I WILL try and my husband MAY go with me because he sees how upset I am.

I have tried to live in the day but this will take a lot of work.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

It does take concerted effort to live in today! Let me encourage you...when my husband died nine years ago, half our income went with him, but I got hospital and doctor bills galore! I refinanced my home to pay them off so I wouldn't have their high interest. Then I lost my job. It took me 5 1/2 months to get another one and in those days you only got six months unemployment. In the years since, I was laid off twice, the last one for good. I have enough retirement coming in to pay the bills, but nothing leftover for groceries and gas. I don't get food stamps or other helps. But somehow I'm getting by. I have to watch every penny carefully but I haven't missed a meal or paid a bill late. :) God will show you what to do and how to survive. Try not to worry. I don't know how old the two of you are, but I hadn't planned to retire yet. I won't file for social security for 3 1/2 years because I want to be eligible for Medicare first...if I take soc. sec. now I lose my health ins. because I will be over the wage limit and I'd actually be in worse shape than I am now, so I wait. Meanwhile, I broke my leg, injured my tendons and neck while waiting for health ins...no coverage. I got the news I needed a new roof asap. Then I was told I needed a new 36' ramp. All of this very costly and no one to help. I can tell you, God has guided me financially every step of the way and given me assurance. And I am a natural born worrier with GAD! I've been amazed at the assurance He's given me. Oh and I forgot to mention that someone hit my car with their truck twice in the last four months I was working...the last time the night before I got my layoff notice. I took it as a sign that God wanted me off the road (I commuted 100 miles/day) or I might not live to retire. So all worked out and I'm very happy to be out of the rat race.

I will pray for direction for both of you and peace. I hope all goes well with your church visit this weekend!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I can only hope to be as strong as you, KayC. Tonight, I am up in pain. I made the mistake of wearing the wrong shoes yesterday and am paying for it today. I desperately need that knee replacement but have no choice but to wait until November when I mercifully, I hope, go on to Medicare. With new changes next year, I will probably have it in November or December. This will hopefully take a lot of strain off our marriage. We have only his income which is less then $30,000 a year. We had planned on going out tomorrow which I probably will not be able to do. I am ready for either his temper tantrum or his staying in his room all weekend. I have no control over that and do the best I can. I am 64, he is 63.

But God HAS stepped in so many times and for that I am so blessed and grateful. I took our insurance booklet and read it inside and out. I saved us thousands on my insulin and we now pay only $200 a year, down from $2,000. I found out that, because of certain things in our insurance, they paid 10% more then usual, saving us $7,000. I also earned us another $1,000 in another area. So, I have pared $10,000 off our bill this year and my husband was very impressed. Had I not read the booklet and made calls, none of this would have happened. Still, we owe $7,000 in medical bills and $40,000 to the bank. I have arranged payment plans on both and we have paid off 2 credit cards with one more to go. We have never been spendthrifts which helped a lot. I watch our bank account like a hawk, which rankles my husband. But I feel it's because he has always taken care of us and does not like me getting involved. I think all of this has made him feel less like a man but I told him it's a marriage, 2 people working together. I do not watch the bank account because I do not trust him but to make sure we do not get below a certain point. We have had to take a bit from his 401K and I try to make sure the balance does not go below a certain point. We have pared all we can from daily expenses and will continue to do so.

I see so many places God has been and know he is always with us. One area I pray he helps us with is our son. We both parented differently. He was the very permissive parent and because of this, I had to be the tough love parent. Our son is now almost 40 but still they go behind my back and blindside me. It causes me great anxiety on top of already great anxiety. The latest they cooked up is that WE would take out a loan to buy a home he and his wife could rent from us. It was real fireworks but I REFUSED. If something happened to my husband and they lost their jobs, it's bankruptcy for me. It hurt greatly to do this because what Mother does not want to help? But I had to be realistic because my husband would and never will be able to say no to our son. It's caused me great heartache and found out later my husband tried to take out a loan in his name but was unable to do so.

Still, we forge on. We pay our bills, have food on the table and have never, in our whole marriage, had a bad check. My anxiety is that I HAVE caught my husband going behind my back several times paying our bills from a loan account. Hence, we owe the bank so much money. I can not trust my husband nor my son. He and his wife make twice as much as they do yet accept any money my husband has been able to sneak them. I have informed him that, if he wants to continue to do this, we could face bankruptcy. So, if he continues, so be it. I have done all I can.

Life as been so tough but I do place my faith in God. I always will. As always, I thank you, KayC. You have helped me so much.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My sister's husband took out $80,000 loan in HER name! I belong to Equifax and watch my account regularly, it lets me know if anything occurs with any of my accounts, soc sec #, a new inquiry or acct, bal. change. I also watch against ID theft, other addresses for me, etc. I had someone steal my identity once and I've had to be proactive. I know a lot of people who have had husbands do things behind their back that affects their credit, so just saying, it doesn't hurt to watch your credit. You can also put a credit lock on your account so if anyone tries to take out credit in your name, you'll be notified ahead of time and they can't do it without a special pin. Might not be a bad idea. It costs me $60/year but worth every penny for the peace of mind.

I live on about half what the two of you have, I have a mortgage on my house but thankfully pay the rest of my bills every month. I do know what it is to have to watch every penny! It sounds like you're savvy too, that's great that you could save so much $ for the two of you this year in bills, and I'm glad your husband acknowledged it.

I remember when my daughter was about 20 and wanted me to cosign on getting into an apt and I had to say no. She'd called me at work and asked, and she sounded like I struck her when I said no. I'd cosigned twice before and felt by that time she should have built up her own credit...also they'd had damage to their carpet at their former place and was VERY lucky the landlord didn't stick them (me) with it. I told her of my concerns and that I was in a different place financially and couldn't afford it. When I hung up the phone, I bawled! I told my boss he was so lucky that he had little kids, it's so much harder when they're older! But we do have to say no sometimes and it's in their best interest, they need to learn to do for themselves, after all, we won't always be here.

Keep hanging in there...I know how tough it is. I know what it is to be in a marriage that's tough too, it's not easy and it takes everything within you to see it through. Make sure you give yourself proper pats on the back for everything you do right, you sound like a wonderful person, and smart too!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When I told my husband about a man taking out a loan in his wife's name for $80,000, his comment was, "How did he do that" It really shook me up that he said that. I said, "Well, she obviously TRUSTED him and signed papers he told her were for something else". I was so shocked he said that. I read everything I am supposed to sign. Never would I just blindingly sign.

Our son is our only child and he's used to his Father handing him things in life instead of working for them. Like I said, this made me the tough love Mother. I made him get a job, I took his truck away when he got fired for stealing, I was the one that went to school with him for a week when he got in a bad crowd and started skipping school, I was the one that went into the bathroom crying each time something happened. It really was very hard on me because his Father would get SO mad at me.

In many areas, we work well together but our 37 year old son is STILL a point of contention between us. My son asked to use my car for work for 2 days and I said it would be fine but I needed it after those 2 days. He said, "But you could use my car". He knows I can't because it's physically hard for me. I told him no, I wanted my car back in 2 days. It didn't happen because he got "held up at work". I called him every day but he did not show up with it until 7 days later. I told him I didn't appreciate it. He told me to get over it and went to talk to his Father. I followed him and said, "Don't you talk to me that way"! He said, "Whatever". I said, "DO NOT TALK TO ME THAT WAY". My husband and he just smiled at each other. He left later, taking MY car. I called him and told him to bring it back. He got furious, returned, threw my keys at me, grabbed my purse and dug his keys out, throwing my purse on the floor. I said, 'PICK IT UP" but he just left. My husband did his usual and retreated to the bedroom and shut the door.

But I know my son. He came back later and was so angry, yelling at me that my car just sat there so what was the problem? I told him when he could sit down and talk to me like an adult, we would discuss it. He was furious but eventually calmed down and sat down calmly and said, "Ok, I'm sitting" because he knew I would not give in to his anger. I said, "The point is it's MY car whether it just sits there or not. You do not have the right to take it without my permission, You do not have the right to just use my car as long as you want. There has to be a time frame. Now, you pick up my keys and hand them to me. My purse too". He did. I said that was physical and emotional abuse the way he talked to me and threw my keys at me and he would not be welcome here if he did that again. He sat back down, very embarrassed. I told him he may use my car in the time frame I gave him and if it's not back in that time, he would not use it again. He said, "Dad said I could use it". I said, "Then I give you permission to use his". He looked at me amazed and I said, "Oh, that's not permitted"? And if he DID use his Dad's car, you can bet he'd have it back in time. I told him I did not need this stress and again, he gave me a smart alec remark. I asked him to leave and come back when he decided to be a respectful adult. He left and came back 2 hours later and apologized. Later, I got an email of apology.

But my anxiety level is very high.

This is all so hard considering everything else we have been going through. I should not have to "discipline" my 37 year old son. And it's sad I don't trust him or my husband. But God leads the way and I know better days will come. Worse one also and I will handle each thing with God's help.

I am so glad I found this site and appreciate your help so much. It helps to just get this out. God Bless!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

No, he applied on line in her name. She didn't sign anything!

Honestly, to go through what you are with a 37 year old son and then not have your husband backing you? I would tell him if he took it without my permission or did not get it back in time I would report it stolen. And then I'd follow through. It's hard, but you'd better believe he'd never do it again...he could throw tantrums all he wanted but he'd have to respect you more.

I don't think I could take what you have had to. Like you said, you don't need it, and esp. at this time in life.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I do have a secret weapon.....his wife. She is very mature and doesn't put up with much from my son. I called her and she said, "WHAT"? She told me she would handle it. She's trying to get him into counseling.

My son has not had an easy life but neither have we. He was married once before but caught his ex-wife with another woman at a time he was very sick with seizures and brain surgeries. It broke his heart and his. Talk about abusive! We had him come back with us when she bought the man back to their home one night and led him to the back room while my son was there. He called us, falling apart, and we went and got him. She fell apart because, in this state, it's no-fault divorce and his absence and filing for divorce meant she was responsible for all the bills. It took our son, and us, a long time to get over it and her life has fallen apart but we never speak of her. I was thankful there were no children. I don't think he and his wife are going to have children.

He met the wonderful wife he has now and they dated 3 years before they married. She's smart, responsible and no nonsense. I do know what I am seeing in my son.....He hates his job and is lashing out at those around him. But only he can change that. He's NOT treating me this way.

But it's no wonder I am having the problems I am. I anticipate because I can't trust my husband and son. I even thought about going to a shelter when they pressured me about buying this house but there is my dog. I can't take him with me and my husband travels. There is no one to care for him and I adore him.

My son is usually very loving to me so his actions shocked me. I would expect it from my husband but not HIM. In some ways, I feel bad for him. He loves us both but my husband demands complete loyalty to him, not me. My husband even changed his high schools because he wanted him on another baseball team.....without asking my son OR me. This stuff has to tear my son up inside. But the counselor ripped into my husband, in her way, over it. She said, "Who do you think you are, making decisions for other people"? He had this confusion on his face because this is what he saw growing up because his Father was this way.

But he DID get him back in the school he loved.

I just pray every night things will get better. It hits me as soon as I wake up.

It just has not been an easy wife with childhood abuse and my marital abuse but I have never given up. Although my anxiety level is so high, I am stronger then I have ever been,

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I am so glad to hear you say you are stronger than you have ever been! Keep reminding yourself of that even when things are tough.

I know kids can be disrespectful to parents and not even see it, it's up to us to call them on it and not accept it.

I get you with the dog...I adore my dog and could never be without him! They love us unconditionally (or at least the treats we give them. :P )

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Sorry, I meant to post this in my thread, sorry for the confusion, didn't mean to threadjack!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

How sweet of you, KayC. My Mother is in an ALF and has Alzheimer's. I live 5 hours away but do talk to her on the phone. She still knows me but no longer calls me like she used to. I can't ask her too many questions or she gets confused. Luckily, there is family that visits her often.

She and I were never close but my heart so goes out to her. Dad died 2 years ago. They were married 65 years and the pain of seeing her losing him was so hard. I talk to her and she talks about him and it's almost a guttural cry of pain in her voice. She told me he visits her every night and I said of course he does. And I believe he does. Her tears just break my heart.

She is not adjusting to her ALF very well. She's taken two falls, breaking her hip once and fracturing her pelvis the next time. She won't stay in her wheelchair and doesn't understand the pain of her falls. I think she should be in a nursing home but they keep saying she doesn't qualify yet. She calls the ALF the "penitentiary" and says her room is her jail cell. She keeps asking to go back to her home and she wants her dog back. It's so sad.

My sister is exhausted with her. She wants to live with my sister but there is just no way as my sister has a special needs child still living at home. I still can't travel but we all do the best we can.

It's wonderful, KayC, that you are there for your Mother. Even tho my Mother and I have never been close, I would work something out to see her so she wouldn't be alone. So many people are and I feel so bad for her. I was in a Rehab/nursing home one time after being on life support and felt so bad for those that never had any visitors. And I only saw my son and husband a few times as they worked. I had no other visitors. It was like those I thought were friends just forgot about me. I have had several health problems and ended up in the hospital. People thought I was a hypochondriac and one "friend" even said she was fed up with me. It hurt but I learned a lot from the experience.....to be there for myself. It was a lonely time for me and some people never saw anyone except those that worked there.

Your Mother certainly has an angel in you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I'm sorry you're so far away from your mom. I miss talking to my mom on the phone, she doesn't get the concept any more. My mom had numerous falls and they finally said she couldn't walk anymore, took away her walker, gave her a wheelchair instead. She misses it, but Lewy Bodies Dementia causes lots of serious falls.

What is ALF?

I can imagine how isolated you must have felt in rehab. Thank God your husband and son visited!

I can't imagine how it must have felt to have a friend say such hurtful things to you. You did indeed learn a lot, it is one of the most valuable lessons you can learn, to be there for yourself...I've had to learn the same lesson since my husband passed away. Kids grow up and move away, friends leave, but we can learn to nurture ourselves rather than waiting on someone else to be there.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Ahh! I just never heard it called that. :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Tonight is just a confusing time for me. I have had a pretty good day but around suppertime, fear and anxiety crept in. I felt like, "I don't know how much more I can take". My husband was very kind to me and asked me what was wrong. I told him I felt an anxiety attack coming on. He was hit from behind last week and it scared me badly. He's ok and his car is being fixed. Luckily, the accident happened at a red light where he was sitting. The woman sitting behind him saw traffic going in the other direction and, after putting lotion on her hands and putting it back in her purse, just started forward. But my husband's lane had not started going yet so she hit him. He was a little shaken up but knew I would probably react this way a few days later. He knows me too well.

It was a real hassle getting his car to the body shop, getting a rental car, etc. He got all the way to the rental place and forgot all his paperwork and had to come half an hour back to get it. He was a bit nervous and agitated but then,most people would be. Luckily, our son was able to help out.

It really unsettled me and has increased my anxiety of the future so much. Despite all the problems we have had between us, there is love. I think me drawing the line about buying a house for our son created some respect for me despite his anger.

But my anxiety for the future is still bad. Both my husband and son drive a lot for their jobs, long distances.. My husband has had one bad accident while driving, our son two. They weren't hurt but the cars were totaled, neither accident their fault. So, this fender bender brought all this fear up.

My depression has been worse in the morning. I literally can not get out of bed and if it weren't for my dog, might stay in bed all day. But once he gets me up to go out, I kind of get going. The first thing I do is call my husband to "check in" when it's really to reassure myself he's ok. But I have lost interest in almost everything. I love to draw, paint, make cards, read, decorate, do paper sculpture, etc.. Many of my drawings, my favorite thing to do, hang in our home. But I have lost interest in almost everything. I feel like my days are numbered at age 64 so what's the use? I feel like so many bad things have happened it's just a matter of time before something else happens. We've had marital problems, we are having severe money problems,our son became ill with a brain tumor, 5 brain surgeries, an implant in his brain, his divorce (which I took very hard), my husband losing his job, extended family problems, I broke my leg, went on life support after an simple out patient surgery, a hip replacement after which I got an antibiotic resistant infection, an upcoming knee replacement I dread, diabetes, my Father's death, I have no friends, my sweet DI smokes 2 packs of cigarettes a day and it worries me since my son has been through so much already, we have home repairs we can't afford and on and on and on.....It just seems never-ending.

I try to look at the positives. My husband's new antidepressant seems to be working so far. He has a more positive attitude. My son has been remarried for years to a beautiful, sweet young lady. I have a sweet Chihuahua. I was able to make decisions on my own during my husband's horrible bout with severe depression. I look forward to Saturdays' when my husband and I spend the day together if he feels like it. (His depression sometimes hits but not like it did). But even now, I am having problems finding more positive things.

I so fear losing my husband and being alone in this world. Maybe his accident really stirred things up. I don't know. I just know when I wake up in the morning, I am so depressed and dread the day. I believe God gave me my dog to get me out of bed!

Why am I so scared of everything? I sure wish I could figure it out.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
  • Create New...