Jump to content
Grief Healing Discussion Groups

Long Story.......


Recommended Posts

Maybe you've been conditioned in life to expect bad things because that's been your experience. You can look at it this way though, your husband had his token accident so the odds of his having another just went down. Thank God he is okay, cars can be fixed! I had two people hit my car in a four month period. It can be a big hassle, but one we can get through.

You ask why you're scared...maybe it's just your anxiety. My medication has helped a lot.

Maybe try keeping a journal listing all of the good things that come your way...it can be anything, no matter how small, it all counts. It helps to review it and thank God for each and every thing, keeps your mind upbeat and in a thankful expectant (of good) heart.

My dog keeps me going too. They're great incentive, aren't they! ;)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I wish I could find a medication that helps. I don't want to go on anything addictive and keep telling myself I just need to be stronger. It's only understandable a lot has happened in 64 years of life.

I had a wonderful counselor for many years until she retired. She was my one source of peace. I can't tell you how much I miss her. I recently wrote her a sincere thank you note but said nothing about any negatives in my life. She is retired now and does not need to hear my problems. She once called me from her home when she knew I was having a tough time (This is when she was practicing). I asked her if she knew her phone # pops up on CID and her patients could call her at home. She said, yes, she rarely called patients from home but she knew I would never call her and she was right. I could never call her in the sanctuary of her own home even when I found out her dear husband died. That doesn't mean I haven't wanted to but never would I. She has no idea of all things that have happened since she retired.

I really think I may have PSTD on several levels. I just don't know how to deal with it. Maybe that's why this anxiety creeps up on me when I've otherwise had a good day. During my son's illness, my only family member in town found out she had cancer. (She has since died and how I miss her). I was taking my son to the Mayo for his check ups after brain surgeries and then picking her up from the Mayo after her chemo.. There were days I just hyperventilated and SO wished I could call my counselor. I tried several other counselors but could never find one I was comfortable with.

I have again woken up with this severe anxiety. I wish I could read other posts here and be of help to people but I feel like my problems would seep through in my answers and that would be of no help to them. I hope I can get to the point where I can be of help to others here someday, as KayC has been to me.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Dear one, I hope you will take a few moments to read this article, and be sure to see the ones listed at its base as well: Anxiety Attacks in Grief: Tools for Coping.

As for "being of help to others here some day," please don't worry about that right now. Just sharing your struggles with the rest of us can be more helpful than you realize, because if you are feeling this way, you can be sure that someone reading your story probably has, or has had, similar feelings (maybe even similar experiences) somewhere along the way. Your open and honest presence here is already helping others to see that they are not alone.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much. I have looked for relaxation tapes but never could find one that helped. Then I remembered it was a "guided imagery" tape my Counselor gave me. It calmed me right down and I would immediately fall asleep. I wore that tape out! But now that I know what to look for, in a CD, I will certainly get one as soon as I can afford one.

More anxiety was piled on tonight, however. My internist called me and said a urine culture showed I have an infection called Pseudomomas. He seemed quite concerned as it is toxic to kidneys and hard to get rid of. He sent me over to our small beaches hospital and told them I needed IV's. They however, said, I was not sick enough yet and they did not want to start me on a strong antibiotic until I am. This makes absolutely no sense to me. I was sent home in pain. My husband was fine with me and when I cried said, "Don't take it out on me". I am confused about that statement because I had said nothing to him. But he did hug me and said we would get through this somehow.

I knew I should have gone to the Mayo ER but my internist is not a dr. there. I am just so fed up with drs, hospitals and the $$$$$ they cost us. It takes finding the right dr. to help and that's hard to do. My first ortho decided I had bursitis. He looked at my MRI and said he saw a little spot but, no, I had bursitis. As my pain worsened, he decided I just wanted drugs. I left and went to the Mayo. It took 4 visits to the ER before they took me seriously about my pain. I was sent to an ortho who was exhausted after surgery. He had me walk to the door and back and decided it was NOT my hip but my back and sent me on my way. In tears, I asked the ortho dept. for help and they sent me to ANOTHER ortho who knew what she was doing. In short, I had a fractured hip from a fall and had to have a hip replacement, which I did.

So, I have contacted the Mayo and asked them what to do. Now, I wait. I have a very hard time trusting drs. anyway because I have found so few who really care. It just never seems to end. I sat out watching the stars tonight with my little dog and know God will lead me through yet another crisis.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I hope you've contacted your internist for further instructions since the hospital refused to follow his instructions. Unbelievable! Idiots! Why wait until you're on death's door before treating you? I've lost faith in the medical community.

With what your husband says, I wonder if he doesn't have communication problems...perhaps doesn't know how to express himself effectively and says the wrong things instead of what he means. You obviously weren't taking it out on him, but perhaps because he felt compelled to deal with it he felt affected by it and didn't like that? Well gosh, you're affected by it and don't like it either! I'm afraid I'd tell him to deal with it, but then maybe that's why I keep ending up divorced! :) You have way more patience than I do. But then I wonder if it isn't affecting your health, if it's internalized, who knows. Whatever the case, I'm just so sorry you're going through all this.

Judging from your experience with doctors/hospitals, you realize that you are your advocate and have to stand up to the medical world and fight to get the right answers and treatments. It makes me mad because it's just when you're least equipped to do so! But if something they do/say doesn't sound right to you, fight to get the right diagnosis/treatment.

You're certainly in my prayers.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

My internist was SO mad when I called him and he found out they sent me home. He said that wasn't their call and he would deal with it. So, he has arranged for home health care to give me an injection once a day for 7 days. I am worried because it's a really strong antibiotic and could affect my kidneys. They will have to keep drawing blood to test my kidney function. So far, my husband has been ok.

There have been times I considered divorce when our son was younger but my son sensed it and it was so upsetting to him. I know it's better for a child to live in a broken home then an abusive home but he was literally shaking when I consulted a lawyer. He had been through SO much with his brain surgeries and I realized he needed his father in the home on a consistent basis. So, I worked hard with counseling and reading on how to deal with a husband like mine. I bought a book called "Rage" about how to deal with his rage. It laid on the floor by his desk for weeks so I threw it in garbage can. The next day, there it was by his desk again. He was reading it I realized but did not want me to know it. I threw it away again to see what he'd do. The next morning, there it was on the floor by his desk.

A few weeks later, my son was taking to me about a bullying problem he had at work. My husband was sitting on the couch reading the paper and he said, "Son, I'm a bully. You want my point of view?". My son and I were astounded. I walked out of the room so they could talk because my husband often sees me as the enemy and won't open up if I'm around. He is right. He IS a bully. He's a huge man, 6'5" tall, 300 pounds. He once threw me on the floor and I got up and said, "Big man! Picking on someone smaller then you who can't possibly defend herself. You're a coward who has never been bullied so you don't know how it feels". He became infuriated and took one of my dolls and tore her up and said he was going to break my Depression Glass collection if I didn't shut up. I told him to go ahead. My possessions don't mean so much to me that I will take that off of him anymore. He told me he was going to give me a reason to call 911 and came after me. Despite my bad hip, I managed to run.

Our son came in, at age 17, and tried to protect me. His Father threw him out the front door and out son ran back in and called 911. The change in my husband was something to see. He became SO scared and retreated into the house. Our son talked to the police and he came in and told my husband that they said he better come out and talk to them or they would come in and get him. He came out of the bedroom shaking and we both went out. One of the police officers was a friend of ours but he told my husband that didn't matter. He said he was lucky he saw no marks on me or our son or he WOULD arrest him.

There was a change in my husband after that and I SO admired my son for having the courage to do something that I should have done. My husband willingly went into counseling after that and liked his counselor so much he was making his own appts.

So, I am with him because he does try. It's emotional abuse now and I think even he sees that. Plus, I think this antidepressant is helping. He seems so much calmer and things that used to set him off, mainly my poor health, don't seem to be bothering him. He even helped me in and out of bed, up curbs, asked if I took my meds...WOW! But I will always be there for myself since he is so erratic.

You DO have to be your own advocate. I learned that quickly. I have had to deal with the medical community and had to learn to stand up to egotistic drs, mean nurses. I used to be quite aggressive but have learned how to make my point as respectfully as possible. Even then, I will only take so much. It was hurtful that my husband would take their side and even apologize for me. But I would tell them, "HE'S apologizing for me, NOT ME. You were way out of line and you know it". This is a big deal because I've always been such a little mouse. But I HAVE had some wonderful drs. and nurses. I can spot a good one within minutes and I did NOT get a good ER dr. last night.

It does help to get it all out here and I feel a bit stronger. An easy life I have not have but many have it so much worse. Thank you KayC and Marty. I wish I could hug you.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

I don't know what to add besides internet hugs and puppies, that about tops it all! :)

In reading your story I can see we've both been through some similar things but chosen to handle it different. Still, even with similarities, each situation is different and everyone must decide for themselves. I'm glad he's come around a lot...I guess that's the difference...my first husband was a monster and never would have come around. Several years ago I learned he was going through his seventh divorce, he was abusive to each wife, emotionally, physically, verbally...and he never supported any of his children nor raised them. Mine he beat out of me, but he had children with all of the others plus mistresses besides. I have never regretted getting out of that situation, without which I most likely would not be here today.

I am so glad your doctor is going to bat for you! And he's right, it wasn't their call to make. I hope the Rx doesn't damage your kidneys. Sometimes it's a hard call as to which is better/worse, the treatment or the original ailment.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 4 weeks later...

Hi! I am still here. Still struggling emotionally but my husband seems to be doing better on this med so far. He's very quiet and stil seems a bit depressed but has so far been easier to get along with.

And I found something that has heped so much....Guided Imagery! The CD's are too expensive for me but I go to this site........FragrantHeart.com It is helping me sleep so much. I don't use each recording but I do listen to many. Also, I am going to a ne Endo to help with my diabetes. I am still anxiety ridden but this site and all of you have helped me so much!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you so much for finding this wonderful site FragrantHeart.com ~ a treasure house of guided meditations. I listened to several of the meditations and there is something for many different occasions. I am glad they are helping you and I am so glad things are settling down for you. It is good that you are looking into help to manage your diabetes. I continue to keep you in my prayers and am so happy that things are going better with your husband. Remember, we are good listeners.

Anne

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Thank you for sharing these meditations with us. I, too, am doing my best to manage my diabetes. I'm finding that stress affects it even way more than sugar, so while I have to be careful what I eat, I also need to be careful to manage my stress. Meditation helps!

Link to comment
Share on other sites

  • 2 weeks later...

Things seemed better then problems tonight. I do love my husband so much. I know I am not easy to live with and neither is he. My husband is very hurt by his siblings. One was executor of his parents estate and stole all the inheritance once his Mother died. My husband woud never speak to him again. He said it was not the money. It was the fact he was capable of doing that to 2 brothers who loved him and they worried so much he would go through the inheritance before their Mother died. It was HER money. After she died and all the money was gone, his brother acted like nothing was wrong yet still tried to talk to his brothers who wanted nothing to do with him. He died a lonely man.

His other brother is a very sweet man and I like him a lot but his wife has always treated me so badly, my husband will not speak to either of them. She is a social climber and name dropper and I'm not in her league in her eyes and she can't stand to be around me. The feeling is kind of mutual but I have tried with her. She jet sets to Europe for her very expensive haute couture designer clothes and seems embarrassed to have me around her in my off the rack department and even Thrift Store clothes. So, I have accepted that it's not to be and have not seen nor heard from her in 10 years. I'm not ashamed to shop at Thrift Stores but she woud be afraid one of her rich friends may see her go in one, I'm sure.

But the brothers. They are all they have left of immediate family. Their children are like their Mother. But I have always liked his brother who has always been so kind to me. I've seen none of them nor heard from them in 30 years, my own nieces and nephews on my husbands side. I have also tried with them but gave up. Just not high enough on the social ladder again.

Tonight I made a mistake. I was calling my aunt and accidentally dialed my BIL and SIL number. My BIL answered and I realized I had called the wrong person and apologized. He was very kind and kept me on the phone and we talked a bit. My husband's contention with him is that he has never addressed with his wife the way she treats me. I no longer care about her but I do wish my husband and his brother would at least talk. I gave up trying to bring them together. He is 75, my husband will soon be 64.

I told my husband of my mistake and he became so furious, he threw a bookcase across the room. He said I lied, that I knew I was calling his brother. He yelled and screamed but knew better then to touch me because of my health. He looked at the bookcase and said, "Look what you made me do". (A child statement). I told him I made him do nothing, he made the choice, his actions were his own, HIS hands did that, not mine. HE made the decision to do that, not me. It further infuriated him, he called me every name in the book and grabbed his keys and left.

He came back later and I have to be very careful with him because he reaches a point of rage he can't stop and I could get hurt. But I said to him, "You know we have little time left on this earth together and you treat me this way when I love you so much? And when your brother is gone, he's gone". He said, "Then he's gone". I honesty think his anger is hurt.

I'm so upset. This means days of him not speaking to me, such precious time lost. But I won't beg him. And the bookcase can stay that way until it rots before I pick it up and put the books on it. I'm just so sad.

Link to comment
Share on other sites

When my husband was attending anger management classes, I sat in on them with him and also helped him with his homework, so I'm familiar with it. Hurt IS a form of anger. To be quite honest, what your husband is doing is abusing you. It is up to you whether to take it or not and I'm sure your medical situation puts you in a difficult place of accepting what you might not otherwise, but you might want to consider talking to a senior advocate or womenspace about how best to handle the situation when he gets like this. I think you are right to let him know that he is responsible for his choices and you didn't "make" him do anything. It's not only childish, it's a copout, it means he's not owning responsibility for himself, which is criminal thinking (I've also helped inmates with their "criminal thinking" homework). Your husband could use some counseling to help him see a more positive perspective and learn healthier ways of coping with things.

I am sorry you are in this position. I agree that now is the time for your husband to bury the hatchet, but you can't make him do that, only he can...it will have to come from him when he is ready and will not happen a day sooner...and he may very well never get to that point. I am going through something similar with my sisters...my mom was a monster to us, she was mentally ill, and I got it the worst when we were growing up. My dad was an alcoholic and didn't intervene with her abuse. Now my mom is 92 and she is frail, she has leukemia and advanced dementia and is in a dementia care facility. Yesterday we both had to go to the hospital for physical problems, and my heart was with her as I wanted so much to be there for her, she doesn't understand what's going on or why God doesn't just take her home. My sisters have not seen her for five months and only then because I pushed them to. I wish they could let go of the past, and be there for her, I think it would be healing for them, but they alone have to decide how best to handle how they are with her. If she dies and they're still holding grudges, I don't know if they'll have any regrets or not, but I do wish they could heal inside and I think forgiveness goes a long ways in that healing. I cannot, however, force them to see her or forgive her. My job is to accept their decisions and support them in their decisions, even while encouraging them to be healthy inside. It's a fine line balancing act. I know if they never speak to her again, I will still love them and understand their reasons for their decisions. I guess it's all about respecting others and their decisions even while wanting what's best for them.

I know you did not call your BIL on purpose. Our minds are funny things, I accidentally dialed my XH the other day when I thought I was calling a tire center...somewhere in the recesses of my brain, it pulled out that phone number...fortunately, the answering machine came on and I hung up. The older we get the more we find these things sometimes happen! :)

Link to comment
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now
×
×
  • Create New...