Buffy

[ancientfurs]

Friday was two weeks without my pekingese, Buffy.

I just received her ashes back from the vet today.

The house feels a little less empty.

Although each day gets a little easier, I feel it's only because I have blocked out my pain and am not dealing with it. The first few days without her were terrible. I felt empty, lost, alone. I cried a lot, but then I just stopped. I pushed the emptiness out of my chest and refused to deal with it.

I have been afraid to think about it anymore because I am afraid that I would let the guilt of having to put her to sleep overwhelm me and it's blocked any of the other feelings out. As soon as I feel anything start to creep up, I push my thoughts elsewhere.

The house feels empty and too quiet. There are no little nails clicking on the floor, no pants echoing in the air.

I still feel like I need to be taking her outside to pee and feeding her her meals every morning and evening. I still catch myself thinking I need to check on her while I'm in the kitchen, to make sure she hasn't gotten stuck in a corner somewhere in the house.

I am 25 years old and Buffy was 16 when we put her to sleep.

I don't remember what life was like before her.

I work in a pet store and am constantly bombarded by new dog toys, leashes, bowls, and dogs themselves.

It is difficult to be constantly reminded that I am no longer a dog parent.

I think this is why I have just shoved any emotion out of my body because if I didn't, I wouldn't be able to do my job every day.

[enna]

Beautiful, beautiful furbaby. I am so sorry for your loss. I understand about being a "dog parent." A sweet picture of you and Buffy.

Thinking of you as you struggle with this loss.

Anne

[kayc]

I am so sorry you lost your Buffy. I got my first dog when I was five and he was put to sleep when I was 20...it is so very hard. Buffy is beautiful and looks like she has a sweet personality, I can only imagine all the pain you are feeling.

No one will ever replace Buffy, but you might want to consider getting another dog when the time feels right to you. Another dog wouldn't be like Buffy,not even if you got a Pekinese, but it would establish it's own place in your heart and help fill some of the void. When my Lucky died, a few months later I adopted another dog (totally different) and it's the best thing I've ever done for me.

Marty has posted some links about guilt, etc. on this section, you might want to browse some of the other threads...besides, it helps to know you are not alone and others have been going through the same thing.

Thinking of you as you go through this loss.

[MartyT]

My dear, I too am so sorry to learn of the death of your beloved companion, Buffy. Clearly this was someone who's been at your side and in your life for the better part of your own life, so it is completely understandable that this loss is hitting you so hard. You say that you've been blocking the pain, pushing the emptiness out of your chest and refusing to deal with it. Given the sort of work that you do, working in a pet store, it makes sense to me that you would try so hard to keep your feelings in check while you are working ~ but that does not mean that you cannot give in to those feelings at other times. Grief doesn't go anywhere; it just sits there, waiting for us to deal with it. Bear in mind that it takes an enormous amount of energy to keep your feelings in check ~ as a matter of fact, oftentimes it takes more energy to keep a lid on your feelings than it does to let them go.

I want to point you to a couple of resources that I hope will prove helpful to you:

Pet Loss: Guilt In The Wake of The Euthanasia Decision

Finding Crying Time In Grief

Pet Loss: Is It A Different Kind of Grief?