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Lost Both Parents In 5 Years...

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Where to begin.....

First of all, strokes are terrible. Both of my parents died of complications from a stroke. Mom passed away about 9 months ago now, and now I am getting to the depression stage, it seems.

I live alone, and it has been so hard to deal with the loss and then on top of it other stresses going on in my life. Within the first month of my mom's passing, I had 2 coworkers pass judgement on how I was feeling ..... tell me in no uncertain terms "You are depressed and you need help." - - - my goodness. I finally said to one of them, 'have you ever been through this?' .....neither one of them have.

I've also had people who have been very supportive..... but it doesn't change the fact that when I go home, I'm alone. It takes a special strength to go through things like this alone......

Normally - i'm a very supportive and nurturing person. It's been hard to be on this side of things... and , how long is too long to be going through the grief process? Sometimes, I feel like I'm taking way too long......

I miss them both - right now of course I miss my mother the most. She and I spent lots of time together especially in the past few years, and it's like there's this hole. I've done different things....done my best to surround myself with friends without being a burden, planted flowers, and when I'm ready (not right now) I am going to volunteer at the local nursing home - because there are so many people who have noone. I have surprised myself in the last week or so, though - I thought I was through the crying stage but have found I need to cry and spend some time grieving. Does that make sense?

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You are NOT taking too long, my goodness! You just suffered a loss that is beyond description! People say things mostly out of ignorance, and that is putting it nicely, it is extremely insensitive of them! You did well to ask them if they'd ever been through anything like this. Even if they had, it wouldn't be the same as YOUR loss. Everyone's loss is going to hit them differently because of the different relationships we have. Some people are close to their parents, some are not.

You will miss them the rest of your life, so in that sense the grief does not go away. It does, however, change form for us as we adjust and learn to cope with our loss.

I lost my sweet husband nine years ago...I, too, live alone. Getting used to our aloneness is one of the harder parts of this...getting used to not having that person that we shared in life with. I've adjusted, I think, but I will never stop missing him and life will never again be the same as it was "before".

It is okay to cry. I think of it as the release valve on the pressure cooker (the valve that lets the steam out) so we don't explode. It's cleansing and releasing. Most of the time we cry alone but once in a while it will strike us at work or in public. It does not mean something is wrong with us. It means we're having a normal reaction to a very difficult life changing experience.

I am so sorry you lost your parents.

You are trying to keep busy, fill some of the void, and all of that is good, but a few months is nothing in the scheme of things, expect to feel this way off and on for quite some time, and gradually it will lessen to something easier to manage.

You might want to consider a grief support group. It's good to talk with others that get it, that are going through the same thing, that understand how you're feeling. Also a grief counselor might be beneficial. I saw one in the beginning.

You are welcome to come here any time and voice yourself, we're here and we're listening.

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Well, first of all I want to express my deepest sympathy for the loss of both of your parents ~ any kind of death is so very difficult but parent death is so very unique.

9 months is such a short period of time. You are grieving and there is absolutely no time limit on grief. I have read and been told this so many times. Those who have not gone through these losses have no idea. I am sorry that your co-workers do not have an understanding of this loss. They may mean well but their words were hurtful and out of order!

I am glad that you have supportive people around you but as you say it doesn’t change that fact that when you go home you’re alone.

There really is no time limit on grief ~ I’m sure that there is a big hole in your heart and in time you will continue to weave your parents into your heart. You are already doing positive things. Take baby steps and know that it is always ok to cry.

This is a good place for you to be. We are grievers and we understand. The support here allows you to take this journey in your own time and in your own way.

Our moderators give us continued support in each area of grief. The links they provide are helpful.

I would suggest that you go to: www.griefhealing.com and read some of the many articles related to parent loss by our moderator, Marty. So many of these articles will help you understand what is “normal” in grief.

Welcome, for I believe that when one finds their way to this place their healing really does begin.


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Thank-you. It was so good to hear back from you. The past few months, and really the past year have been so difficult. She had a major stroke at the beginning of the summer, and really she became like a different person. So sad, sometimes angry, and it also brought out major dementia. It was the most difficult thing I have ever seen. Part of me felt guilty for not being with her all the time, and I couldn't be. And, when I was there - - - for the first time ever I couldn't do something to make someone feel better even for a few minutes...and it was my own mother who was suffering so.

Through the summer and into the fall I dealt with major anxiety. I was going through a major crisis myself plus losing my mom bit by bit. It was terrible. I mourned my dad and had a tough time - still miss him a lot, but these past few months were the worst months ever. I finally have the anxiety under control.

To make it worse, my phone would so often ring and it would be her/ them before he died.....now I can go for days without it ringing. It's very hard.....

Thank-you for your caring words and wisdom.

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My mom is in stage 3 dementia, so I understand. It's a hard thing to go through. I do hope you'll consider a grief support group. Just know that you are normal and right on schedule in your grief journey.

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KayC - I am so sorry for anyone who has to go through that....I am sorry you are going through it! :( Dementia takes so much away and is so hard to understand.

Thank-you for your kind words and advice. I don't know if there is any grief support group here...but will check into it.

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Did you have hospice? If so, they would be able to connect you with a group.

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No, she was in comfort care at a nursing home the last few days (she had a final stroke just before she died)- and I live over 100 miles from there.

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My friend, if you live in a community that offers hospice services, it really does not matter whether your parents were on their service. Most hospices offer grief support groups that are open to the public, and at no cost. At the very least, they maintain referral lists of whatever bereavement services are available in your city or town, so they would be a good place to start. This article may be of help to you as well: Finding Grief Support That Is Right For You

See also:

Parent Loss: Remembering Their Song

Grief Support Groups: What Are The Benefits?

Are You Reluctant To Seek Counseling For Grief?

Seeing A Specialist In Grief Counseling: Does It Matter?

Note that when you follow these links, you'll find additional, related articles listed at the base of each.

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Oh that would be wonderful if there were something available in your town! I do hope you find something, I think it'd be such a relief to you when you met others going through similar things.

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