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MartyT

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That's a nice thought, thanks, Anne.

I think we all have to work on it daily...our human nature gets in our way sometimes.

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  • 4 weeks later...

Pop-up Memories Are Not Grief Bursts

by Nan Zastrow

Grief Digest Magazine, Volume 12, Issue #1

Recently, we experienced a pop-up memory of Chad. We (my husband and I) were driving home and stopped at the signal lights. A shiny beige pickup truck came whizzing through the intersection of the busy street and easily caught our attention. In the bed of the pickup truck was a 3’ x 5’ American flag whirling in the breeze. Simultaneously, Gary and I had an instant pop-up memory to a long ago time, when our son Chad, did the very same thing! I haven’t seen such a display since Chad’s death, and this pop-up brought kudos, a smile and a story to Gary and me. If you are a web surfer, you are familiar with “pop-ups.” In many situations, they are frustrating and distracting, but they do get your attention. Web pop-ups are those images that appear suddenly and unexpectedly in the middle of something else you were doing.

Pop-ups in the Internet world can also lead you on a trail from site to site to discover a hidden piece of information. You are intrigued, and your senses become alert challenged by the clue. As your grief begins to heal, you are likely to experience more pop-ups than grief bursts. Read on >>>

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Thank you Marty, for that wonderful article. It helped me to understand these sudden appearance of memories, and how they usually make me smile, because it is some part of Doug being revealed.

Thank you for that.

*<twinkles>*

fae

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That was a very apt description...maybe it should be a clinical term!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Thank you for sharing that...maybe that's what I need, to spend time with a child again and see the wonder in their eyes. That's how George was about life, I've never seen anyone with so much zest for life!

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This article was written by Ashley Davis Bush, LCSW, for the Huff Post Healthy Living - March 11, 2015

Eight Ways to De-Stress Without Leaving Your Chair (something I could do quite easily these days)

There is definitely a time for action. Like when you wake up at 3 a.m. and hear water pouring out from somewhere in your house after you've just returned home from a winter vacation and it turns out that your frozen pipes are bursting (not that I'm speaking from actual experience or anything). In that moment of stress, it's probably not the best time to sit and meditate on your dilemma.

Don't just sit there, do something! Happily for me, my husband leapt out of bed, ran through the basement (naked, mind you) and shut off all water in the house until he could isolate the offending pipe. The amygdala, the part of the brain that identifies danger and then activates the body for fight or flight, is quite good at reacting to potential danger. A little too good, you might say.

For many of us, the stressors of high-paced, nonstop modern living chronically stimulate our amygdala, thus keeping our bodies in a state we call stress. We become so locked into high alert that we remain stressed out, even though no danger actually lurks around the corner. While a single stress response can be critical, chronic stress is a health hazard.

Often our well-meaning leisure activities, our attempts to lower our stress levels -- such as going on vacation, going to a yoga class, engaging in our hobbies, or even having a massage -- fail to keep our stress levels down. Why? Because, 1. we get stressed just trying to fit these activities into our busy lives (and paying for them) and 2. the moments of relaxation we might experience often don't carry over into our day to day living.

So, how can you truly restore yourself, simply and effectively, every day? Don't just do something, sit there. Right there, in your chair. After all, it's the small moments of peace through your day that make a big difference to your stress level. In my book, Shortcuts to Inner Peace, I offer a compendium of effective relaxation techniques. Read on to learn eight of them. Whether it's in your desk chair or your recliner, just sit, relax, and restore.

The first four practices you can do with your eyes open while the last four practices can be done with your eyes shut. You may find setting a timer for 1-5 minutes helpful.

1. Daydream by gazing out your window -- I know that your teachers told you to stop staring out the window and focus on your work. But now your objective is to let your work go for a few minutes. Start with a long exhale and then let your gaze wander. Notice what's happening in the outside world. Just notice. Feel how your body relaxes as you redirect your mind away from stressful thoughts. Especially fun is to imagine a feel-good fantasy -- romantic, heroic, or otherwise. Daydreaming is not only relaxing, but it can actually help boost your creativity.

2. Investigate a small object, looking for details -- It's remarkable how you can look at the same objects every day but actually not see a thing. Take a moment to look at something within reach and really notice the details. Explore the color nuances, the textures, the shadows, the design. Discover the hidden aspects of your stapler, your favorite pen, the picture on the wall, the shell in your desk drawer. Notice how your mind redirects as you go on an adventure into the micro-landscapes around you.

3. Tap on your body from the feet up -- Use your knuckles to gently tap your way up your body. Focus your attention on the sensations. Start with your feet and move up your calves to your thighs. Tap along your torso and up each arm. Use your fingertips to gently tap your face. When you redirect your attention toward physical sensations, you may notice that your thoughts subside. Energy medicine considers tapping an important way to help relieve stress and revitalize your energy.

4. Doodle -- Put pen to paper and let yourself meander. Doodling is another way to jumpstart your creative side. Give your left brain a rest and let your right brain wake up. When we move our attention away from goal-directed activity during doodling, our "attention system" is relaxed. So give your left brain a break, stimulate creative juices and have fun!

5. Close your eyes and Listen -- Listen to the sounds around you. Isolate your sense of hearing, letting yourself notice and label each sound that you hear: "dog barking, car honking, copy machine, colleagues gossiping, rain pounding, etc." Slow the spiral of stressful thinking by bringing yourself fully into the present moment. Mindful listening clears the mind and has the effect of rebooting your system.

6. Close your eyes and imagine yourself on a fantastic vacation -- Take a moment and travel back in time to a wonderful trip. Or picture a fabulous destination that you've always wanted to visit. Use details to imagine the temperature, the sights, the sounds, the smells. Replay a favorite place, detail by detail. Notice how your body responds to pleasant, relaxing thoughts, almost as if you are actually there. Take a deep breath. Consider this your "Calgon take me away!" moment.

7. Close your eyes and breathe -- Your breath is like a portable spa. It's so obvious, so ever-present, and yet we rarely think to harness its potent powers. While there are many breathing exercises to consider, I personally suggest the 4-7-8 breath, an ancient breathing pattern taught by Dr. Andrew Weil. Breathe in for the count of 4, hold your breath and the count of 7, and exhale your breath, breathing out through your mouth as if breathing through a straw, to the count of 8. The pairing of an exhale that is twice as long as the inhale is especially relaxing.

8. Close your eyes and scan your body -- Start with the top of your head and "scan" down, slowly checking in with your body. As you scan, imagine warmth spreading from the top of your head, down your neck, over your shoulders, down your arms, down your torso, down your legs, and moving out through your feet. Notice a sense of inner awareness. For example, even with your eyes closed, you are aware of your hands and feet; you can feel an aliveness within them. Allow your attention to move from "thinking" to "sensation." Use these moments to re-connect with your body and release any tension within. The body scan is a classic relaxation technique.

There is a time and place for action and reaction, but there's also a place for the pleasure of stillness. You may not be able to get to the yoga mat, your barbells, or your sneakers. But you can take a moment to lean back and relax into the peacefulness of just sitting there.

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"Hold Space” WOW! I couldn’t get through this one without tears. Memories came flooding back to me as I remembered those days when our Hospice Team entered our home and began to walk beside us as Jim needed more care. I could relate to many of the points that were mentioned. Allowing me to focus on what Jim wanted and not on what I thought he wanted, giving me only what information I needed to carry on for that day without filling my mind with what was coming down the road, offering to do the caregiving things for Jim so I could spend more time being his wife (I was so afraid of shaving him for fear of cutting him), sitting with me and asking me if I had any questions and then answering only those questions I had that day, keeping me advised as to what was happening those last weeks ~ how the body was shutting down and the breathing was slower were all part of the dying process. Our Hospice nurse was the most caring person. How very appreciative I was to have her enter our home ~ always going straight to Jim’s room and kissing him on the forehead and asking him for that smile he always gave her when he saw her. I think he had a crush on her because of her green eyes and smile.

I remember worrying about whether or not I was doing the right thing in my care of Jim and the words I heard over and over again “there is no wrong way, Anne, you are doing fine.” As a caregiver, you worry about all the little things ~ am I turning him often enough, is the catheter alright, should I turn the fan on or off, does he need

more medicine, should I open or close the shutters now, is he cold or too warm…one of the most comforting things to me of our Hospice Team was how each one who entered our home always took the time to inquire about how I was doing. I knew they were caring for Jim, but to be so genuinely interested in my well-being was very comforting to me.

I agree that this is what we do here on our forum. It will be three years in May that my Jim left this earthly home and I have been a part of our family here for almost that long. How very appropriate to use the words “holding space” here. No matter where we are on our journey and no matter what turns it takes there are those here who allow us to be where we are ~ not judging, not minimizing our actions, not telling us how to do this or that; rather, allowing us to be where we are and only offering suggestions of how we can move through our grief. It is indeed a place where we are safe and that is because as a collective group of grievers we all know how fragile we each are and being fragile we need the gentle, loving care given so freely here.

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Wow! This article would make a good sticky, something we could refer to as needed. What a special person and what a special gift! Yes, Anne, this is a place to "hold space".

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Goodness! A lot of flooding of memories, but also a lot of gratitude for the wonderful hospice people who helped us through those last days. I think I was helped a lot by having gone through this before with my Dad. But I remember how much Doug wanted to stay in charge of his own life—and death—and how the hospice nurses helped him to be able to do that. Yes, Anne, the best was that hospice gave me time to be his wife, to sit with him, hold him, sing to him, read to him, pray with him, while hospice took care of his physical needs.

Tears, just memories and tears right now.

A wonderful article, filled with insights and good advice. Thank you Marty.

fae

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Jan, do you have an adblock that's stopping it? I use AVG antivirus and sometimes it gets carried away stopping things from coming through and I have to tell it to allow it for this site or page.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Something to think about.

Monday March 30, 2015
RAIN: Working With Difficulties
~Tara Brach
About twelve years ago, a number of Buddhist teachers began to share a new mindfulness tool that offers in-the-trenches support for working with intense and difficult emotions. Called RAIN (an acronym for the four steps of the process), it can be accessed in almost any place or situation. It directs our attention in a clear, systematic way that cuts through confusion and stress. The steps give us somewhere to turn in a painful moment, and as we call on them more regularly, they strengthen our capacity to come home to our deepest truth. Like the clear sky and clean air after a cooling rain, this mindfulness practice brings a new openness and calm to our daily lives.
8696435316_cce43f0493.jpgI have now taught RAIN to thousands of students, clients, and mental health professionals, adapting and expanding it into the version you’ll find in this chapter. I’ve also made it a core practice in my own life. Here are the four steps of RAIN presented in the way I’ve found most helpful:

R Recognize what is happening
A Allow life to be just as it is
I Investigate inner experience with kindness
N Non-Identification.

RAIN directly deconditions the habitual ways in which you resist your moment-to-moment experience. It doesn’t matter whether you resist “what is” by lashing out in anger, by having a cigarette or by getting immersed in obsessive thinking. Your attempt to control the life within and around you actually cuts you off from your own heart and from this living world. RAIN begins to undo these unconscious patterns as soon as we take the first step.

1) Recognize what is happening.

Recognition is seeing what is true in your inner life. It starts the minute you focus your attention on whatever thoughts, emotions, feelings or sensations are arising right here and now. As your attention settles and opens, you will discover that some parts of your experience are easier to connect with than others. For example, you might recognize anxiety right away, but if you focus on your worried thoughts, you might not notice the actual sensations of squeezing, pressure or tightness arising in the body. On the other hand, if your body is gripped by jittery nervousness, you might not recognize that this physical response is being triggered by your underlying belief that you are about to fail. You can awaken recognition simply by asking yourself: “What is happening inside me right now?” Call on your natural curiosity as you focus inward. Try to let go of any preconceived ideas and instead listen in a kind, receptive way to your body and heart.

2) Allow life to be just as it is.

868245093_0ec5a17d4d.jpgAllowing means “letting be” the thoughts, emotions, feelings or sensations you discover. You may feel a natural sense of aversion, of wishing that unpleasant feelings would go away, but as you become more willing to be present with “what is,” a different quality of attention will emerge. Allowing is intrinsic to healing, and realizing this can give rise to a conscious intention to “let be.”

Many students I work with support their resolve to “let be” by mentally whispering an encouraging word or phrase. For instance, you might feel the grip of fear and whisper “yes” or experience the swelling of deep grief and whisper “yes.” You might use the words “this too” or “I consent.” At first you might feel you’re just “putting up” with unpleasant emotions or sensations. Or you might say “yes” to shame and hope that it will magically disappear. In reality, we have to consent again and again. Yet even the first gesture of allowing, simply whispering a phrase like “yes” or “I consent” begins to soften the harsh edges of your pain. Your entire being is not so rallied in resistance. Offer the phrase gently and patiently, and in time your defenses will relax, and you may feel a physical sense of yielding or opening to waves of experience.

3) Investigate with Kindness.

At times, simply working through the first two steps of RAIN is enough to provide relief and reconnect you with presence. In other cases, however, the simple intention to recognize and allow is not enough. For instance, if you are in the thick of a divorce, about to lose a job or dealing with a life-threatening illness, you may be easily overwhelmed by intense feelings. Because these feelings are triggered over and over again—you get a phone call from your soon-to-be ex, your bank statement comes, you wake up to pain in the morning—your reactions can become very entrenched. In such situations, you may need to further awaken and strengthen mindful awareness with the I of RAIN.

Investigation means calling on your natural interest—the desire to know truth—and directing a more focused attention to your present experience. Simply pausing to ask, “What is happening inside me?” might initiate recognition, but with investigation you engage in a more active and pointed kind of inquiry. You might ask yourself: “What most wants attention?” “How am I experiencing this in my body?” or “What am I believing?” or “What does this feeling want from me?” You might contact sensations of hollowness or shakiness, and then find a sense of unworthiness and shame buried in these feelings. Unless they are brought into consciousness, these beliefs and emotions will control your experience and perpetuate your identification with a limited, deficient self.

5137228228_8b7a0998c0.jpgWhen I first shared the RAIN acronym with students, many of them had problems with the investigation step. Some said things like, “When fear arises, my investigation just takes me into thinking about what is causing it and how to feel better.” Others reported, “I can’t stay in my body long enough to investigate where an emotion lives in me.” For many, investigation triggered judgment: “I know I’m supposed to be investigating this shame, but I hate it…and I hate myself for having it.”

All these responses reflect our natural resistance to feeling uncomfortable and unsafe: thoughts swarm in our head, we leave our body, we judge what is happening. What my students were telling me was that RAIN was missing a key ingredient. In order for investigation to be healing and freeing, we need to approach our experience with an intimate quality of attention. We need to offer a gentle welcome to whatever surfaces. This is why I use the phrase “Investigate with kindness.” Without this heart energy, investigation cannot penetrate; there is not enough safety and openness for real contact.

Imagine that your child comes home in tears after being bullied at school. In order to find out what happened and how your child is feeling, you have to offer a kind, receptive, gentle attention. Bringing that same kindness to your inner life makes inquiry, and ultimately healing, possible.

4) Realize Non-identification; Rest in Natural Awareness.

5858605833_28438fbbb3.jpgThe lucid, open and kind presence evoked in the R, A and I of RAIN leads to the N: the freedom of Non-identification, and the realization of what I call Natural awareness or natural presence. Non-identification means that your sense of who you are is not fused with or defined by any limited set of emotions, sensations or stories. When identification with the small self is loosened, we begin to intuit and live from the openness and love that express our natural awareness. The first three steps of RAIN require some intentional activity. In contrast, the N of RAIN expresses the result: a liberating realization of your natural awareness. There’s nothing to do for this last part of RAIN—realization arises spontaneously, on its own. We simply rest in natural awareness.
This article is originally published at http://www.tarabrach.com/articles/RAIN-WorkingWithDifficulties.html(adapted from Tara’s upcoming book, True Refuge: Finding Peace & Freedom in Your Own Awakened Heart (Bantam, 2013).

Photo credit:
Photo 1: Elsita (Elsa Mora) via Compfight cc
Photo 2: memmu via Compfight cc
Photo 3:laurageorge via Compfight cc
Photo 4: Bahman Farzad via Compfight cc
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http://www.rebellesociety.com/2013/12/18/5-lies-you-were-told-about-grief/

Lies You Were Told About Grief

When someone experiences a significant loss, feeling lost and alone is ever present. This piece surely speaks for me and I imagine it will for many of you. Pass it on to those around you.

I could not have said it better than this. If only those around us would or could comprehend this with their hearts and souls.

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Thank you Mary. Maybe I saw this before but if I did I can't recall it. I saw it on Facebook today when you posted it and wanted to post it here but wasn't sure how to. I can relate to it totally. I count myself as one of those who doesn't want to get over grief, who doesn't want to rebuild my city but would rather sit in the rubble. But yet despite myself I'm forced back into life to be a part of my beloved grand daughters' lives. But deep down I'm still with Pete, talking to him, living a life which is only meaningful to me when I can bring him along, even though others don't even know that is how I'm feeling inside.

This piece really gets what it's like for those of us who have lost what seems to be the heart of ourselves and yet have to live on. Thanks

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I remember it, maybe it was Anne that posted it, maybe she saw it on FB when you posted it?

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