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MartyT

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Good article. I remember talking on the phone frantically when George died...FB wasn't around then and I didn't get into MySpace, I didn't drink, I didn't watch tv. I do remember journal-ling and using art to depict my feelings as well as where I wanted to be, and it helped.

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Excerpt from Currents of Grief by Lexi Behrndt ~ Words of comfort for all of us:

If you’re here in this river with me, let me look you in the eye, take your hand, and I’ll promise you we’re going to make it through. Because of hope, because of grace, because of a whole lot of love and determination and faith, we won’t have to fight the thick of the rushing current forever. The pain will always be there, but it won’t always be this hard. For now, on the days when it’s too hard and just giving in and floating away would be so much easier, stop walking and stand. Stand. Let the water wash over you. Let it cleanse you and heal you. And if all you can bear to do is stand for a while, then do it. And reach out and find a few who will stand with you and carry you through.

Read the entire article here: Currents of Grief

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Amen to that!

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So true!

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Wisdom and practical advice from Megan Devine in this week's Refuge in Grief newsletter:

Micro-Improvements in Grief

Experimenting with what helps and what doesn't help is delicate territory, especially in early grief. No amount of trial and error is going to fix what is foundationally irreparable.

I think the big distinction is whether you're trying different things in order to solve grief, or if you're trying to find things that bring you even the slightest bit of comfort. One approach tells you you're doing it wrong, the other says you are worthy of all the love and support that can possibly be found. 

In grief, trial and error is less about making things better than it is about making things not feel worse. What you can do for yourself is notice: how do I feel after I see this person? Do I feel supported and centered, or crazy and exhausted? Are there times of day I feel calmer and more grounded? Are there certain books, or movies, or places that take the sharp edge off my mind, if only for a little while?

Micro-comparisons. Trial and error.

Looking for those things that make this worse, and heaving yourself in the opposite direction.

It's all a work in progress. If you find anything that feels less bad (in early grief) or eventually, even a little bit good (whenever that happens), aim for more of that.

Read on here >>>

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A truly beautiful and insightful reflection on staying rooted in the present. Read the entire piece here: Living on Memory Lane

". . . Before I knew it, I’d be awash in memory, and filled with the pain of his absence. Gone was the beauty of that present moment. All I could see, then, was the loss of him.

Standing on that gravel path, I recognised that I have been clinging to those memories of him and of us like a drowning rat on a sinking raft. I thought that I could only hang on to him through memory. To move from those memories was too frightening to consider. It felt like a betrayal of him.  I was so afraid I would forget.

 I saw that I have spent the last year of my life camped out on Memory Lane . . ." 

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Some more food for thought: It's Only Temporary (Even The Blessings) by Jenn Lederer

This goes out to the person going through it. The one who's deep in the battle field, fighting for each step as she feels herself breaking apart... breaking open. Death.

This goes out to the person who's creating like a mofo. Busting out her to-do list with ease, things are in the groove... and it feels good. Rebirth.

This goes out to the one who is reaping what she's sewn. Seeing the fruits of her labor blossoming into beautiful opportunities, connections and new possibilities. Receive.

To each of you, I say: It's only temporary.    

Read on here >>>

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  • 4 weeks later...

I agree! I've always thought that.  People think everything is God's will.  Wrong.  People read something into things that isn't there.  Life is unfair.  Things don't always go as they should.  Stuff happens.

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I know I have seen this on our forum before and when I first read the book Stunned by Grief by Judy Brizendine it opened my eyes to a different understanding about our grief. It's worth a read.

“Profound loss hurts more than we ever imagined. It lasts longer than we thought it would. And we don’t understand the tangled mess our emotions become. We don’t expect the isolation we feel. And we’re surprised by our lack of tolerance for things going on around us that are insensitive or simply do not matter.” ~ Judy Brizendine

 
safe_image.php?d=AQCe7xu84e6OY1zn&w=158&
Let’s agree not to sweep the truth under the rug and stay silent. If you’ve faced a major loss, you know the truth. Grief is hard. But there's more to the truth
 
STUNNEDBYGRIEF.COM|BY JUDY BRIZENDINE - AUTHOR
 
 
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That states it well...compared to our grief, the rest of life seems frivolous.

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It is odd how two people can have such different response to the same thing.  I felt it was B.S.  I'm not going to "let go of the past" in order to "move on".  Move on to what?  I am living in the here and now, and yet I do treasure our memories and will continue to do so.  Maybe it's the terminology but it strikes a deep chord in me...in an adverse way.  

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Yes, I think it's the expectations that get us into trouble but few of us live without them.  Having a plan seems to help me.  I like how she has us cover our bases.

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Good one from our friend Michele Neff Hernandez of Soaring Spirits International:

Fearing Healing

After Phil's death I feared getting better. I didn't want to get over it, move on, allow time to heal me, or be grateful that Phil was in a better place. Frankly, getting better sounded like forgetting, getting over it was impossible, moving on implied leaving a time when Phil was a part of my world, time as a concept wasn't doing much for me, and I couldn't think of a better place for Phil than in my arms. None of the things people said to me about healing or recovery were in any way comforting. In fact, they were horrifying. I will confess...I was afraid everyone around me would assume I didn't love Phil all that much if I could recover from losing him.  Read on here >>>

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An excellent article by Dr. Karen Wyatt, MD ~ see the end of the article for her bio: 

The classic movie Forrest Gump (1994), directed by Robert Zemeckis, has been described by some as a profound social commentary and a historical depiction of southern culture, and by others as a model of man's resiliency. But on closer look, Forrest Gump, the tale of a simple man negotiating a complex world, can actually be interpreted as a film about death and dying with some important lessons for us to learn on this subject.

Throughout the film Forrest tells stories of historical events that involve the deaths of various iconic figures such as Elvis Presley, John F. Kennedy, Bobby Kennedy, Martin Luther King, and John Lennon. He matter-of-factly talks about each man's death and sums up his own lack of explanation for these tragedies with "for no particular reason" or "I don't know why," reminding us that death is a mystery that very often cannot be understood from a rational perspective.

But Forrest also faces death on a personal level as he must endure the loss of three of the most important people in his life: his Momma, his "best good friend" Bubba, and his beloved Jenny, who won his heart the moment he first laid eyes on her. As we watch Forrest cope with death in his uncomplicated and imperturbable manner there are certain lessons that shine forth for each of us about death and dying:

1. "You never know what you're gonna get."

This is the corollary to Forrest's most famous adage: "Life [and also Death] is like a box of chocolates." One of our greatest struggles is the fact that life and death are uncertain. We have no way of knowing when or how we will die and must live with our questions and take our chances as we move through this world.

Even if we demand control over death by choosing to take it into our own hands, there are still no guarantees: the method we choose to hasten death might fail, we might change our minds at the last minute, or we might even die by some other cause before the date of our planned death.

So we have to reach into the box of life, not knowing what we will get, and make the best of whatever we draw out. Forrest is okay with this reality of life and models for us, in his Zen-like fashion, that sometimes not-knowing and simply accepting things as they are can be the highest form of wisdom.

2. "If I'd known this would be the last time we'd talk I'd have thought of something better to say."

These are Forrest's words as he reflects on his last moments with his "best good friend" Bubba who dies during a firefight in Vietnam. Forrest reminds us that our words may be the last gift we will ever give to our loved ones and we should choose them carefully. Any moment with someone we care about could be our final opportunity to express our love and admiration, so let's not waste a single one. The last words our loved ones hear us utter need not be profound or deeply wise, but wouldn't it be sweet if those words spoke of love and compassion?

3. "It's my time -- just my time."

With these few words, Momma explains to Forrest in simple terms that death has its own time frame, as the verse from Ecclesiastes 3:2 states, there is "a time to be born and a time to die." Momma accepts her dying with calmness and fearlessness that reassure Forrest and help him see that even a painful loss can be perfect in a way.

Lieutenant Dan believed that "his time" was to die during the war as a hero, but when Forrest saved his life he had to recognize eventually that his path had something else in store for him. We really cannot say what the timing of death will be or should be -- we can only observe it and marvel that death always arrives with its own sense of mystery.

4. "Death is just a part of life."

Forrest recalls these words from his Momma as he copes with losing his dear Jenny. At this point in the story it becomes clear that this simple truth has been an important message of the entire film: Death cannot be separated from life.

In fact, death is a necessary part of the cycle of life and should be accepted as a natural, though painful, process. Forrest is able to grasp this concept and use it as his lens for looking at all of the events of his own existence, which is evidence that life and death are not necessarily difficult to understand. But we tend to complicate them by overthinking and overreacting emotionally to the circumstances that occur. Forrest teaches us to take a step back and look at life and death without expectations or attachments.

5. "I couldn't tell where Heaven stopped and Earth began."

When Jenny asks Forrest if he was ever afraid in Vietnam, he ends up describing to her all of the beautiful moments he remembers from that experience and also from running back and forth across the country multiple times.

He recalls several times when nature's beauty was especially astounding such as when the stars came out on a clear night, a gorgeous scene was reflected perfectly upon a still lake, and the sun rose and set with all its vivid colors. These are the moments when we recognize that Heaven is not a place to transition to -- Heaven is always right here, right now, within our own perception of life and death.

6. "I don't know if we each have a destiny or we're all just floatin' around accidental-like on a breeze. Maybe both happening at the same time ..."

With this final musing, Forrest sums up the key message of this movie: life can be like a feather floating on a breeze, randomly swayed and directed by gusts of wind that shift direction without warning. But life also, like each feather, has a purpose and a reason to exist. And both are happening at the same time.

When we can grasp both of those concepts, as Forrest has, we will have mastered the key to enlightenment and also the answer to the fear of dying. We don't have to worry about death--we will float there on a breeze, but in that process we will also fulfill our greatest purpose at exactly the right time.

Learn more about death and dying at Death Expo, an online interview series, November 19-22. 

About the Author: Dr. Karen Wyatt is a hospice and family physician and the author of the award-winning book "What Really Matters: 7 Lessons for Living from the Stories of the Dying." She is a frequent keynote speaker and radio show guest whose profound teachings have helped many find their way through the difficult times of life. Learn more about her work at www.karenwyattmd.com.

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Amazing we can get so much out of Forrest Gump!  Sometimes we need to pare down to simplicity to glean wisdom.

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