Articles Worth Reading

[MartyT]

The Importance of Negative Emotions

by Carolyn Gregoire
Carolyn.Gregoire@huffingtonpost.com

Between the books, seminars and blogs, the study of how to make a happy life is practically its own genre. But does all of this happiness-chasing actually work?

The sense that one should always feel good, psychologist Todd Kardashan told The Huffington Post, is toxic. Some research suggests that Americans are actually getting less happy as the years go by. And according to Kardashan, it's our relentless pursuit of happiness that may be steering us in the wrong direction.

But given the culture of positivity around happiness research and writing, it's easy to forget that "bad" feelings are healthy and indeed essential to taking part in the full emotional spectrum of the human experience. "The science is very clear that when we try to conceal the distress we feel, we are less productive and less effective, and we end up feeling emotionally worse," Kardashan said.

And in his new book, The Upside of Your Dark Side: Why Being Your Whole Self -- Not Just Your 'Good' Self -- Drives Success And Fulfillment, co-authored by Robert Biswas-Diener, Kardashan advocates feeling bad.

He believes that this single-minded pursuit of happiness is part and parcel with a strong tendency to seek comfort and avoid discomfort of any kind and that, he argues in his book, is making us psychologically weak.

So what's the remedy? First of all, it's time to embrace the uncomfortable by learning to fully experience and appreciate negative emotions as a natural and even useful aspect of our everyday lives. We should also, according to Kardashan, cultivate "emotional agility" -- the skill of recognizing and harnessing appropriate emotions (positive or negative) to suit whatever situation we're in.

Here are four major takeaways from The Upside of Your Dark Side. Read on here >>>

[kayc]

Good article!

[enna]

Joy and Sorrow in a song ~

http://www.onbeing.org/blog/the-spectrum-of-joy-and-sorrow-in-a-song-your-audio-selfie/7037

[enna]

Interesting thought from What's Your Grief ~

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/grief-support-vs-comfort/

[MartyT]

WHAT NO ONE EVER TOLD ME ABOUT GRIEF

Written by Susan Casey on Monday, November 24, 2014 for Open to Hope

Last Valentine’s—that rose-scented, chocolate-infused day, God reached a hand down, scooped my brother’s soul in his Godly palm without asking if we were ready, if Rocky was ready, to transition from this world into the next. He was plucked from our lives without any warning at all, leaving a jagged hole in our wholeness, sending tremors through our family while hairline cracks mushroomed through our “ROCK” solid foundation.

The past nine months have crawled by in a blurry, non-linear haze. I’d attach wheels to the next three, hitch them together like freight train cars, and shove them over a cliff if it would speed up time, whiz me past the four season mark a little more quickly. Many who’ve lost deeply have offered me this wisp of advice, “Give yourself 4 seasons. It will get better.” What no one told me was all that happens while you’re waiting around for those seasons to hurry up and come, to hurry up and go. Read on here>>>

[enna]

Being Thankful.

 

Photo by Shena Tschofen

Gratitude for the Work of Loving the World

BY PARKER J. PALMER (@PARKERJPALMER), WEEKLY COLUMNIST

“I am thankful for many things. First of all, I am thankful for the world, because without it we would be floating in outer space. Second of all, I am thankful for mom and dad and sister, because they help me. Last of all, I am grateful for nature because if we didn't have nature it wouldn't be pretty. I am thankful for all of these things."

That’s what one of my bright, kind, adventuresome granddaughters wrote a few years ago (at age 6) in response to a school assignment. On Thanksgiving Day that year — with three generations of our family at the table — we read her words aloud as our blessing. As we did, I thought, “Naiya speaks for me!” Like her, I’m grateful for simple gifts:

• For the ground on which I stand — whether it’s the kind that grows greenery or the kind in which my soul can take root.
• For the people who’ve supported me — from those who know me well and love me nonetheless to strangers who offered help in a moment of need.
• For the natural world, which really does make things pretty — a beauty to which I often turn for solace, healing, inspiration, and peace.

The only way to keep a gift alive is to pass it along. So on Thanksgiving Day this year — in the world where so many have been deprived of so much — I’ll give thanks by finding more ways to share the abundance I’ve been given.

I’ll also re-read this Mary Oliver poem. If I could embrace the idea that “My work is loving the world” — and spend my days living more fully into that job description — I’d be giving thanks not just with my words but with my life.

Messenger

by Mary Oliver

My work is loving the world.


Here the sunflowers, there the hummingbird—


equal seekers of sweetness.

Here the quickening yeast; there the blue plums.

Here the clam deep in the speckled sand.


Are my boots old? Is my coat torn?


Am I no longer young, and still not half-perfect? Let me

keep my mind on what matters,


which is my work,


which is mostly standing still and learning to be

astonished.


The phoebe, the delphinium.


The sheep in the pasture, and the pasture.


Which is mostly rejoicing, since all the ingredients are here,

which is gratitude, to be given a mind and a heart


and these body-clothes,


a mouth with which to give shouts of joy


to the moth and the wren, to the sleepy dug-up clam,


telling them all, over and over, how it is


that we live forever.

 

 

 

 

[enna]

This will put a smile on your face ~ kick those Thanksgiving Day Blues. . . Be sure and watch the first video after the article.

http://www.whatsyourgrief.com/thanksgiving-grief-blues/

[kayc]

The one that got me was the rescue of the blind dog.

[enna]

Yes, Kay. The blind dog video brought tears to my eyes. I also liked the ballpit ~ I just liked the idea of it.

I really hope many people who come to this forum find time to read some of the wonderful, healing things that are here.

[MartyT]

Dr. Joanne Cacciatore on What Grief And A Torn Rotator Cuff Have In Common...

[MartyT]

The Grief Cafe by Mark Liebenow

When a loved one dies, survivors join the Club. There are no dues and only one initiation rite, which we’ve already gone through. But to participate in the Grief Café, you have to open the door. A glance in the eyes is enough to tell us who is a member.

It doesn’t matter who died or under what circumstances, whether it was our spouse, parent, sibling, child, or our stillborn infant. We loved them and our hearts are cracked and leaking.

When we realize that we don’t grieve well in private, when we take the risk of sharing our grief with others, when we realize that many of the uninitiated do not know what to say, we open the door to the Café and begin to reclaim what’s left of our lives.

We get grief in the Café. We understand each other, and listen to what grief is doing in each other’s lives today. We support and help each other discover the way that each of us needs to grieve. We never say, “It will be okay,” because it will never be okay that our loved ones died, to quote Ms. Devine. We do not say, “It’s time that you moved on” because that’s something only you can decide. With the help of each other, we will get through this together, and we will never let each other give up. Read on here >>>

[feralfae]

This is not about an article ,but a book, for which I am sure I must have found the link somewhere on our forum.

This is a book that gives us the opportunity to look at our losses in a new way, as a part of our life story. The book has brought great comfort to me, and I am going to read it again, because I know I missed a lot in the first reading. I highly recommend it to everyone.

A Grace Revealed

How God Redeems the Story of Your Life

by Jerry Sittser

He does not make light of our grief, but offers us a way to step back, when we are ready and able to do so, and look at the events in our life from a refreshed perspective of our life story.

This is a beautiful and inspiring intimate and personal conversation with a man who has lived what he writes: he lost his mother, wife and daughter in one terrible accident. His view of life and his participation in life are shaped in no small part by how me approached and lived through the years of grief, as well as how he felt his life being redeemed as his faith was restored and strengthened. It is beautifully written, very easy to read, personable and compelling, and gently draws us along to consider our own story in light of the offered new perspective.

fae

[MartyT]

A truly beautiful piece:

Filling The Cracks, by Mark Love

I have a woodworker friend who refuses to work with mesquite. ‘Firewood,’ he calls it. ‘Makes excellent steaks, horrible furniture.’ He has a point.

But as I stood in the lumberyard two days ago with my new clients, helping them choose which slab of wood would make the headboard for their new bed, I was hoping they’d pick the cracked and battered mesquite over the smooth, perfect walnut.

I’m not sure why. I must have a strange draw to broken wood. It probably relates to my affection for broken humans. I’m pulled to people who have lived real lives, who are fragile and cracked but still holding together somehow. They make me feel more at ease, less worried about my own flaws. They teach me about survival, about real beauty, about God’s grace. And they usually have space for me in their hearts, what with all the gaping holes those cracks have created.

Perfection in people, and in wood, can be pretty uninviting. Read on here >>>

[enna]

Marty, I love this article and the bowl with the crack has always been special to me. There is always hope to heal our broken hearts.

[feralfae]

Beautiful article. My favorite piece of mesquite furniture, by the way, was a table Doug and I did not buy, that had the cracks filled in with tiny bits of turquoise against the dark wood. We just never know how G*d is going to fill in our broken-ness, or with what form of beauty. But it gives me hope.

[MartyT]

I really like this one:

The Best Kept Secret And The Biggest Lie

by Michael Nunley

Posted on Open to Hope on Sunday, January 11, 2015

I’ll bet you want me to explain the title of this article in one paragraph and let you get back to your search for healing.

It’s never quite that easy is it?

That last sentence was a hint, by the way.

Truthfully, I don’t want to make today, or any day harder for you, so I promise to make this one short.

Consider this: the real reason why a program like Alcoholics Anonymous works, is shared & applied experience.

The people in that room KNOW what the problems feel like. They KNOW what worked for them and what failed them. They KNOW they were (and are) faced with a problem too great to solve by themselves. They also know that making progress in their own struggles is greatly aided by giving help to others who are not quite as far along the road to healing. Read on here >>>

[kayc]

Speaking of, remember someone posted a picture of...was it a vase?...with the cracks filled in...perhaps it was Mary.

[MartyT]

I remember those posts, too, Kay ~ both Mary and Anne have mentioned Kintsukoroi, the art of repairing pottery with gold or silver lacquer. I cannot find the posts, but I did find a pin about it on my Pinterest board: https://www.pinterest.com/pin/3307399699015159/

[kayc]

You have a good memory!

[MartyT]

Sharing this beautiful piece that came to me this morning via Centering Corp's Grief Digest January Newsletter, written by our beloved Darcie Sims:

Surviving the Winter Gloom

by Darcie D. Sims, Ph.D., CHT, CT, GMS

Why does January seem so empty? Just as the world is stiff and frozen outside my window, I feel dead and cold and scattered inside myself. I managed to make it through the holiday season, though the hows of that feat are truly beyond my recollection. I can't even remember eating the holiday meals. (I do, however, remember doing the dishes-again and again and again. Next year we are eating out or on paper plates!)

In those glittering days, I managed to smile and even to find a few moments of peace and joy. But here in the gloom of winter, all I seem to see are the scattered pieces of my life, cast before me on the card table, waiting for me to pick them up and make the picture. But what picture do all these pieces form? I used to think I knew. I used to know who I was and where I was going and how I was going to get there. But now, now in the chill of winter, I can't even remember where the puzzle begins and I end.

I think I'm still grieving, and that surprises me! It's been too long (regardless of the time frame you insert) and I should be getting better. Why do I still ache from the sunburn I got years ago when we were together on the beach? Why is there still sand in my shoes and why does your name still stick in my throat? Who am I now that the memories grow cold in winter's chill?

Am I still a mother if there is no child to tuck in at night? Am I still a dad if there is no one to loan the car keys to? Am I still a wife if there is no one to snuggle up to in my bed? Am I still a husband if there is no one waiting at home for me at the end of the day? Am I still a sister or a brother if there is no one to tease? Am I still a child if my parent has died? Am I still a human being, capable of loving and being loved, if the one person I loved more than

The gloom has permeated even my toes, and my whole body seems icy. Why can't January be warm and gentle-especially after the struggle of the holidays? I need some sunshine, some warmth, some help in turning over the puzzle pieces and putting them back together. I need some spring.

But spring is a ways off and I must (somehow) get through these days. If you're feeling like I am, perhaps these few suggestions will help you find the pieces to your new puzzle.

Identify specific feelings. Do not generalize. Try to figure out exactly what is bothering you. Look for the tiny grains of sand that are still hiding in the bottom of your shoes. Acknowledge them. Be honest with those feelings, whatever they are. If you're angry, be angry. If you're sad, be sad. Be specific in your sadness.

Pick your worries. Focus on only one worry at a time. Give up being worried about being worried. Prioritize your worries. This helps combat feelings of being overwhelmed and you can decide which worries to keep and which to send to your:

1) mother; 2) children; 3) family; 4) neighbor; 5) enemy.

Keep a picture or two of the sand castle where you can enjoy it every day. You may decide not to make a shrine out of your memories, but don't lose the joy that you had in making that marvelous moat! Keep the sand you found in the shoe-you just don't have to keep it there! That's what memories are for-a place to stash the important stuff that we need.

Become as informed and as knowledgeable as possible about this new world in which you live. We fear what we don't know, what we can't see, what we can't touch. Read, listen and learn all you can about grief. It's not where you planned on being this winter, but it is where you are. Look around.

Listen to everyone. You will receive enough advice about how to do it (grief) to sink a fleet of battleships. Be grateful. At least someone is talking with you! But, follow your own music.

Be kind to yourself. You survived the holiday season, and now it is the beginning of another season, another way of living. Learn to forgive yourself for living.

Set small goals first; accomplish them. Then, set bigger goals. Try starting with getting the garbage out on the right day. Then, open the closet, the drawers and the heart. Try going out. The next time you might be able to get farther than the driveway. Take your time. It's a long way to the beach. You'll get there again-someday.

Remember that life requires effort on your part. Make friends with the vacuum, the checkbook and the car. Become determined to learn to remove the box before microwaving the dinner. Don't wait for happiness to find you again. Make it happen. Build another sand castle, maybe on a different beach this time. Don't lose the memories just because they hurt. Look at the pictures, listen to the song and remember the love- you haven't lost that. How could you possibly lose the love you shared?

Keep turning the puzzle pieces over. But don't keep trying to put them back into the same picture. That picture is gone. There is a new picture to be made of those scattered pieces. Search for that scene. Search for the new you. Search for the new person you are becoming.

Don't forget how to dream, how to laugh, how to dance. The music is different but so is the season. The room may be empty, but the heart is not. The spirit may be filled with sand, but the shoes remember the steps. One day at a time is okay if you can manage it, but know that some days all you can manage is one minute at a time. But minutes add up to years, eventually, and each grain of sand adds to the strength of the castle. Build the sand castle again, if only in your memory. Just because it's January, doesn't mean the beach is closed forever. Build your new castle in the middle of winter. Find the new

occupant-the new you.

Be gentle this winter season. Turn the pieces over slowly, experiencing each piece as a newly found treasure. We can fill our days with bitterness and anger that the picture will never be the same. Or, we can hope for the spring that will surely come if we let it.

I know there are good things on the horizon. Winter can't last forever. If those things turn out to be less than we hoped, we will simply have to make whatever we get into something livable. Perhaps that is the secret to melting winter into spring. The challenge is to always carve out something beautiful from the icicle. There is joy in living, if we allow time in the winter to reassemble the thousand-piece puzzle.

[enna]

What a great article. Darcie left us with such gems. She had so much common sense. It is up to us to make things happen.

Anne

[MartyT]

This just in from Nan Zastrow's Wings: A Grief Education Ministry.

Be sure to read Harold Ivan Smith's heart-wrenching essay, Maybe 2015 Will Be Better For You:

E-Letter, Winter 2015

[enna]

This article really touched my heart. Thank you for posting it here, Marty. It is so important to not "judge a book by its cover" and to listen until the end of a story.

[kayc]

Marty, Thank you for sharing that very impacting story. Why do I use the word "impacting"? Because the author had a deep way of conveying their tragedy in a way that we could feel it. A way we have felt it. We could all imagine being there, hearing those words, burying the body of a young man whose life was cut too short. And the lady that told him "Maybe 2015 would be better"? She wanted to say something encouraging to him. Sometimes we are guilty of wanting to encourage someone, our words falling flat on them, as their meaning reverberates with the empty message it carries...meaning well, but our words having useless empty meaning on the hearer that was deep in the throes of grief. Even those of us who have experienced grief have been guilty of saying the wrong thing at times. Sometimes all we CAN say is "I am so so sorry". There IS nothing encouraging to say in the face of someone losing their child, their spouse, their parent.

I was appalled that there could be a group of people that would torment the memory of a young man who died...or any other. I don't care if the person is a biker, a gay person, a transgender person, or any other walk of life, all deserve to be treated with respect, yes, even convicted felons, both in life and in death. We are no better than how we treat people. (I need to remember that the next time someone calls to take a survey or a telemarketer rings). We can all treat someone with kindness I am guilty of lashing out at a stranger across a phone, as if they aren't a person just doing their job...as yesterday after spending two hours trying to reach a real person at my phone company...the same phone company that overcharges greatly for their nonexistent service. Some of those seemingly uncaring people are just trying to do their job when the very company they work for binds them from being able to fix things or treat you with concern. We all need to remember to practice kindness and respect. That stranger being buried today was someone's son, someone's brother...that person on the phone isn't just a stranger's voice...they are a person that is trying to eke out a living, they have feelings, a family to come home to...we would all do well to remember that.

To that church that is so misguidedly zealous: you can lose sight of the important things when you are out trying to accomplish your mission...the greater thing being the feelings of fellow human beings.

[enna]

Thank you for the reminders, Kay. Our journey is one of learning ~ learning how to be kinder, learning how to be more gentle, learning how to be there for someone who is despondent, and learning how to not judge others.

I would like to think that I have been kind all of my life, but I have not and it is an action I have to work on daily.

Remembering that we never walk alone.