Loss Of Husband

[MartyT]

Lynn, I agree with Mary. Tune into what is in your heart, and follow that. Use your own good judgment. You are barely two months into your grief journey, and your first obligation is to take good care of you ~ because if you don't do that, nobody else will either. You know yourself better than anyone else does, and you alone must decide what is best for you in this situation.

[SadLynn]

Mary & Mary,

Thank you for the advice and I will pray about it and then talk to my sisters about how I am feeling. I was brave enough to text my friend yesterday and ask her to call me when she had time. She did call and apoligized for being distant. We were able to talk for awhile and have each decided to try and get together sometime next week. I feel that I have made some headway in the last week and feel like I am on top of the coster now but I do know that I will be on the ride for a long time if not for ever. Thank you all again for your caring. God Bless you all!!

Lynn

[mfh]

You are most welcome, Lynn. A good part of this journey is doing exactly what you just said i.e. Pray and listen. We just must be true to our selves and allow the others to respect our choices and needs or not. So glad you contacted your friend. Though your losses are different, they are both extremely difficult and I can all but guarantee you she is grieving her loss and the two of you might be able to lean on each other now. A win win. Yes, the roller coaster ride is ongoing but does smooth out and the dips are further apart when we do our grief work.

Peace to your heart,
Mary

[kayc]

Lynn,

Mary offered very good advice. I'm glad you are in touch with yourself and allowing yourself to feel and setting realistic goals (mowing the lawn, eating breakfast, establishing routine). It is often just getting through this moment and the next that are enough challenge, let alone thinking about upcoming summer...I know summer is close but it doesn't seem it here today with the rain and a fire going.

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

I am so glad you talked with your friend and that you will try to get together next week. A meal out is good, because you can have a private talk, eat nourishing foods, and usually, two hours is about the the limit, which is probably all the energy you can expend without needing to rest a bit, anyway.

It was great to read your posts about mowing. I love it when the skies open and I can come in, feeling virtuous for having at least good intentions. I am glad you have a schedule with slack. I have a "flow schedule" with times that can flow depending on my energy and emotional state. I KNOW I must do some things every day, but they can sort of flow through the day, and then I fill in the other times with things from my long list of projects and chores, errands and work.

My schedule revolved entirely around Doug for so long that I am still sorting out my time, and slowly making revised lists of my daily "to-do" items. It takes a long while to find a new rhythm to life, I am finding.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Northerngal]

Father's Day! And no celebration for my 2 daughters - or for me! Another "first" to face and I hate it! Wish I could set the clock back 7 months, but know that is impossible - so onward and upward and grab another kleenex! Northerngal

[mfh]

These holidays are very difficult early on. Later they still hurt but we learn how to deal with them a bit better each year. I am so sorry you are in such pain. I do totally understand. I try to plan something for these days. A little ritual, looking at pictures, journaling, a getaway day with a friend or alone....a plan in other words of whatever works. It is not too late in the day for you to consider lighting a candle and perhaps write about your happy memories. It all helps and at the least gives us a sense of being able to control something. Again, I am sorry and I know how hard they are, believe me.

[kayc]

Northerngal,

My husband died on Father's Day so it will always be a horrible reminder of the worst day of my life. I hope the day wasn't totally awash for you and that something good was in it. I did spend part of the day with a friend, and that helped. If it's any consolation, we get more adept at dealing with this in time, so it won't always be quite so raw as it is for you right now. I'm sorry it's so hard...all of us here understand.

[SadLynn]

I am really having a down day, just can't seem to get going at all. Feeling very hopeless today. Is this how it is having the really down days?

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

I am so sorry you are having such a tough day.

Yes, some days are absolutely down days.

I have found that meditation helped, and journaling, and taking walks. Any kind of exercise. Listening to beautiful music. Watching funny films. There is no sure cure, but sometimes, our spirits can be lifted by simple things like chocolate, a bird song, talking to a friend, or even walking through a flower shop, which is one of my favorite treats to myself. I know the florist so well she lets me wander around in the coolers.

I know Marty and Mary will have more help and suggestions for you, and I hope tomorrow will be a little better.

Peace to your heart, dear Lynn.

Fae

[kayc]

Yes, sometimes we have them...on those days it helps to do anything that makes you feel better. There are days some people don't even get out of bed...I didn't have that luxury as I had to drag myself out and go to work, but I can see how they might feel that way.

Hopefully tomorrow will be better.

[Queeniemary]

Northerngal, so very sorry for your loss. The cooking can be a problem. I do not cook very much even now. My husband died January 13, 2010. Stouffers was also my friend in the early days, when I would eat at all. My daughter stayed with me for a month, I had just had a total knee replacement when Mike died. She made me eat the first month. I just lost my appetite, I lost about 20 pounds before I stopped. I still do not cook a lot, unless I am having company. I do grill some, and I love eggs, so I may eat them at any meal, fried, hardboiled, scrambled, etc. Still like frozen dinners, or sandwiches made with smoked pork loin and low carb tortilla wraps.

So sorry you had to join us on this journey. There are many wise persons here, and they have all helped me with their stories, and their wisdom. We are all so different, but we all understand the pain each other is going through.

QMary

[SadLynn]

Well today is another day. I am feeling okay today. Have an appointment this afternoon with my church counselor for the 1st time and I hope that will help. I tried really hard to actually sleep late this morning but could not make it past 8 am and that was after waking up at 4 then 5 and so on until I finally just got out of bed. The days are long as I am by myself all day. Not working yet and will not be looking for a job until after October as I have a commitment to my daughter to look after my grandchild in the late afternoon each day. Try to fill my day with things to do but it is hard and I find myself watching to much TV. I have been reading alot and that helps. It is good not to have to worry about working just yet but I know it would make it easier if my time was more productive. Continual battle everyday with confusion of my mind. What to do, what to eat, etc. I sold my husbands truck yesterday and it is good so I don't have to look at it anymore, but it is also hard to let it go. It was his project truck that we spent over a year working on together. Lots of memories good and bad. I am trying to let things go as I know they do not need to just sit around while other people could use them and love them. Hard anyway you go. Hopefully it will be better not to have to look at it sitting in my driveway. Thank you all for the heartfelt advice you have given and just wanted to let you know how much I appreciate the feedback from you all.

[JeL]

Hi Lynn, I recently sold our boat....I understand the mixed emotions you're feeling about selling your husband's truck this week. So many good memories, "happy/sad" to let it go. I try to schedule a productive project each week and something consoling and healthy for me every day, like a walk, some grief reading, last evening I got a pedicure. Sometimes I'm more successful than others.....sometimes I just need to sit and watch the birds at my feeders, calming. Wishing you a good day today. Jo

[Smudgie]

Hi Lynn, glad you are having a better day.

Just be careful you don't get rid of anything that you may regret later. We are about the same distance on this terrible road (4/15/2004) and I had a spate of clearing things out while still in the fog, now I am reconsidering some of those decisions.

I am dreading clearing out her clothes, shoes and bags so I postponed this until later when I will get the church to take them.

We can only try to do what seems right for us at the time but don't have any regrets.

Hope your day continues to be better.

Simon

[Wifflesnook]

I totally agree, Simon. I have all my Pete's clothes still and it's over two years. I'm way not ready to let go anything which he touched. One day maybe. I don't know.

[kayc]

I know how hard it is to make these decisions and then carry them out...it is hard to let go of things that have memories with them or anything that belonged to them.

[SadLynn]

Thanks Simon & Jo,

I kind of went crazy my 1st month and cleaned out everything in our bedroom. Did not give it away just boxed most everything up and stored it in basement. Redecorated our bedroom, bathroom and turned his office into a guest bedroom. Thought it would help as I could not walk into them anymore. I made them mine and I do sleep in my bedroom but it did not really change the fact that he no longer slept in the bed with me no matter what it looked like. Just tried to make myself feel better by being busy and it is better but it will take a long time to feel good. My Ben hated to waste things and I am trying to remember that when I go through things. I know he would want me to give his clothes to someone who can use them and I have started to to that a little at a time. I have kept his car and even though I hate looking at it I know it would not be smart to get rid of it. So I let my daughter drive it occasionally to keep it from sitting to long. I finally went through his stuff in the bathroom, crying the whole time but it was good not to open a drawer and see his shaving equipment and such. I don't want to let go of them because I say to myself this is Ben's but then I have to stop and remember that he does not need them anymore and what good are they doing sitting there. Believe it or not the hardest thing for me to get rid of was his partial denture that he wore. Seemed so wrong to throw it away and it took me a month to be able to accomplish that. Cried and laughed at the same time thinking about what my husband would have thought of my struggle with his denture. I stop and think a lot about what he would want me to do and it helps me to make a decision. We all here know in our hearts what our loved ones wanted for us. To be happy and live!!! I am really today trying to focus on what we had and not what we won't have. God bless you all and I pray he gives you all comfort and peace.

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

I just read what you wrote above. ^

You are doing so well to be aware of how you are handling all this, and that you can look past the pain and smile occasionally. I am so glad you boxed up things to sort later. That is what I did. I also changed the bedroom linens, redid the guest room which was Doug's "clinic room" and still have his reading glasses on his night stand. I like to see them there, and it comforts me to know he is still watching over me.

And, yes, I cannot simply throw away things, because Doug was also frugal and did not ever want to wage things. But I smiled at the struggle with the dentures, and I can understand. It took quite a while, and still is evolving, to know that Doug really did NOT need any of his things any more. I kept the syringes for his injections for the longest time, knowing in my mind that he did not need them, but unable to make my heart understand. Eventually, we find making decisions such as these easier. I plan to wait a few more years. I think we must take our own time to sort out what we need to keep, and what we can finally let go.

Yes, they want us to be happy and live. And to celebrate life and enjoy each day, and to walk always in gratitude. We are all getting there, each in our own way and in our own time.

And we can always celebrate the wonderful love we shared and still share.

Thank you for your insightful and heart-felt sharing.

Peace and comfort to you as well. Thank you.

namaste,

fae

[Northerngal]

I did so well empting the closet of his clothes that the two of us shared. We kept off season clothes in bins in the basement and there is now one left of his summer short sleeved shirts. And for some reason I'm just not ready to go thru the shirts and get them to Goodwill. Keep telling myself that this is the time Goodwill will want them, but I seem to be"stuck!" Also there is a drawer in the entryway with his winter gloves and some hats and I'm just ignoring it. Funny, how suddenly I seem to be unable to deal with these things. It's almost as if I'm kicking him out of the house, but of course, I'm not. Reckon I'll know when I can deal with these things.

Fred was an avid gardener and had pots of flowers everywhere - on the patio, on the front deck, by the walk to the lake. After I got all the patio furniture out, it looked just awful without any flowers. So I went shopping and now have some flowers around - planted most of them myself. I'd walk past his picture, and tell him, "Fred, you'd be so proud of me!" So now I'm enjoying learning to garden - and learning how often I have to water!

Was interested to read that one of the gals got new linens for her bed. I just did the same thing. The new "look" looks good, BUT ..... Am also finding that I want to simplify my life. Just packed up my mother's crystal that I never use and put it in the garage. Will see if either of our daughters would like it. Northerngal

[feralfae]

Oh, Northern Gal, your success with the gardening is super! Congratulations! And after only seven months, here you are, carrying on a tradition, and knowing that someone is smiling lovingly as you garden. You have a wonderful spirit.

I am so sorry you have and this terrible loss. I am thankful that you found this place, however. I hope you will stay and share with us around our healing fire. I especially want to welcome you, since I carry an Alaskan passport (really!). I will tell you about it some day.

Would you be interested in starting your own thread so that we can find you a bit more easily? My "personal" thread is Transformations on this Path,. I do a lot of nattering, and so it keeps me off other threads most of the time, but not always. Anyway, you can start your own thread, and then we will always look for your thread first thing when we sign in to see if there is anything new from you. We can keep up with you easily, but it is entirely up to you, of course.

Thank you for sharing, in any instance about threads, of the ups and downs you are having. I'll be up in Fairbanks later this year, which is where we had our other home. I do not have it now, but I will be staying with very dear friends. How are the mosquitoes this year? I heard both that they were not so bad, and that they were terrible. I suppose it depends on which ridge you are on. And you may be in Sitka or somewhere, for all I know. I'll be happy just to be in my other home. I miss the days, and the nights, and the Lights.

Blessings and Peace to you, NorthernGal

*<twinkles>*

fae

[Wifflesnook]

Northerngal

I'm doing the same as you with trying to continue our garden which was mainly my Pete's responsibility. It's a bitter sweet task but more sweet than bitter as I know Pete would approve (and maybe knows, I like to think). Growing plants is a spiritual business and a garden which is neglected is bound to make us feel even more sad. I'm so glad you are doing this. Jan

[SadLynn]

I feel like I should be doing something but I am just being lazy. Is this something that you all have felt before. Feel like I am just sitting here letting myself be stagnant. Is this expecting to much of myself so quickly. Is is hard to know what to do when you don't have your spouse to discuss how your are feeling. I just keep feeling like I am wasting time, is this also me trying to avoid sitting still and feeling the grief?

[MartyT]

Lyn, my dear, don't know if it will help, but I invite you to read this article:

I think the worst thing we can do in grief is to try to wait it out, or wait for something outside ourselves to happen. Grief is something that we can learn to manage – we need not sit passively in the face of it, just waiting for time to pass. The passage of time alone does nothing to heal our wounded souls. It is what we do with the time that makes the difference. Read on here>>>

[SadLynn]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for the article. It did help me.

Lynn