Loss Of Husband

[mfh]

Dear Mary,

Thank you for the article. It did help me.

Lynn

Dear Lynn, It was Marty who sent you the link. Our names can easily get confused with only 1 letter making the difference. Do read that article. Peace, Mary

[kayc]

Lynn,

I'm glad the article helped you. I remember working actively at my grief when my George died. I put together a huge collage of his life. I used art to express how I was feeling and how I wanted to feel. I wrote him letters. I hung a stocking for him at Christmas so we could put notes in it to him telling him how we feel about him. I released a balloon with a note in it to him, I think that was on our anniversary. I saw a grief counselor. There were no support groups within 60 miles or I would have attended one, that would have been a great help. I talked to anyone who would listen. I posted here and read others' posts. I allowed myself to feel the missing him, the pain, the memories. I listened to his CDs to try to experience what he liked about them. I went through his things, little by little. It was a painful journey but it could not be avoided, it had to be gone straight through, there is no circumventing it. I want you to know that there were silver linings among the clouds, though. I am not the same person I once was. I used to be more carefree and innocent, now I don't take life for granted. I have a lot more empathy. There is a depth to someone that has gone through such a loss that was not there before. I have learned so much as a result of these experiences. I go by faith. I've learned to look for the positive. I've learned to stay in the present. I've learned to carry George inside me, and draw from him. None of this would have been possible had I tried to avoid my grief.

[SadLynn]

Just wanted to check in with all. Went to church this morning and the sermon was really good. Title was Take a Deep Breath and trust God. I started a journal and I am glad that no one but me will read it because it is all over the place. I am trying to build my confidence up in myself. Seems to have evaporated over the last 3 months or probably over the last 4 years. I was so focused on only my husband that I think I lost myself along the way. I would not change the time we had together thru the battle with cancer but I know now that it took a toll on me that I was very good at ignoring at the time. I realize now that I will have to push myself to move forward when all I want to do is sit still. Will continue to focus on myself and living thru everyday and moving forward.

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn

Meeting (Quaker) was also very good this morning, and we had a lovely sharing of appreciation for each other and our lives. Take a Deep Breath and Trust G*d is a good note to read every morning, isn't it?

Have you previewed Bellaruth Naparstek's audios on grief, trauma (caregiving is traumatic we know!) and restoring self-confidence. She has a wonderful variety of helpful listening on her web site. I love that this help is private, personal, and available at all hours for me.

I know how you feel: The last three years of Doug's life, he was my entire life, as we pushed back against the cancer. I almost completely lost myself. I say almost because there was a little star in the middle of my heart that has survived, and the light and warmth of that tiny kernel of "I am" is slowly spreading its glow throughout my heart and being, bringing me back to life and to appreciation of myself. It is slow going, and I have been helped in remarkable ways by this wonderful healing place where Marty and Mary tend the fire and gently guide us, as well as by Belleruth's audio sets. I listen two hours a day or so, sometimes doing yoga while listening, but often just sitting or still in bed, or just getting into bed, and focus on the words as much as I can. Or I needlepoint while listening. But usually, I am still and as fully focused on listening and healing as I can be.

Your time caring for your husband took a huge toll on you—on many levels. I know you are being compassionate and patient with yourself. It takes as long as it takes to begin to feel confident and ready to step back into life and the world. Take all the time you need, listen to your body and follow your heart.

Peace and Healing to you.

namaste,

fae

[mfh]

Dear Lynn,

I think most caregivers come out of that chapter feeling worn down and exhausted. As you mentioned your confidence has been compromised. I can tell you that mine was also compromised after taking care of Bill for 4 years with Alzheimer's. I put myself on a back burner and went into survival mode and when I came out of that, I needed to regroup, heal, and find myself again. I am still on that path. It is strange that after doing one of the toughest jobs on earth, i.e. taking care of and watching our beloved husband's die, we come out of it with compromised self confidence. But as you say, we put ourselves on a back burner and lose track of other pieces of life.

This piece I wrote for Marty's blog might be of help to you as it lists lots of resources that might be helpful.

http://www.griefhealingblog.com/2013/12/meditation-helpful-to-those-who-grieve.html

[feralfae]

Lynn, here is another place with some excellent audios I have used with good results.

[feralfae]

Dear Mary,

I don't think that link you put up is working.

fae

[mfh]

Thank you, fae. I think this one works. Let me know if it does not. Mary

[kayc]

Lynn, you aren't alone, any of us that have been caregivers can relate. Even when I just visit my mom (dementia care center) I am so exhausted afterwards that I need to recuperate.

[SadLynn]

Okay day yesterday and then today has been horrible. Have been sad and sick to my stomach all day. Having a really hard time eating as I just don't have any appetite. Feel like the weight of the whole world is pressing down on me. Managed to read my devotional and journal a little bit this morning and then I went down into my husbands tool room because my daughters want to sell his tools and they want me to help them figure out what to keep and what to sell. Spent 2 hours down there and then it just became overwhelming and I had to come upstairs and spent the rest of the day laying on my couch. Felt like I was going to die. Took everything in me to go and pick up my granddaughter from daycare and then come home. Wasn't sure if I would even be able to drive there and back. Made it and fixed her some dinner and will be glad when my daughter gets home from work. I have been really been just afraid lately and I am really trying hard to bring myself back to just surviving today. This is so hard and I just want to scream one minute and the next minute just go to bed. Please pray for me! Go to see my counselor tomorrow and hopefully that will help.

[feralfae]

Lynn,

Oh, Lynn, I am sorry for you at this time. You are going through so very much, and the grief sounds overwhelming. I hope you can get some rest soon, and perhaps find some respite from these dark and heavy emotions.

I am so glad you are seeing your counselor tomorrow.

Take your time. Tell others that you need to honor your own emotional health.

I am so sorry you have had such bad days.

I hope tomorrow gets a little better for you.

Peace to your heart.

fae

[kayc]

Lynn,

I am sorry for your rough day yesterday...we can all relate as we've been there. Do you need to sell the tools right now for $ or can it wait? I still haven't gone through George's tools, although most of them were stolen. I didn't even have the presence of mind to report it to insurance, that's how messed up I was at the time.

I'm glad you will see your counselor. I don't think you should attempt anything that you feel sets you back this much. There will always be another time for it. You're still very early in this, your body hasn't had time to deal with all of the emotions yet.

(((hugs)))

[mfh]

Lynn, You said your daughters want you to sell the tools. The question is, are you ready to sell them? Do YOU need the money. This is not about your daughters. It is about you and your husband. Bill's tools are in his workshop and someday I will deal with them but for now, after 4 years since his death, there they are. There is no hurry to do any of this unless YOU need the money for your own survival.

As for food, I understand that. If all else fails, why not buy some of those beverages with vitamins in them...Ensure and there are some others. At least you would get some nutrients in you. Frozen meals also work.

Glad you see your counselor today. Keep in touch.

[Wifflesnook]

I can only echo what others have said. I've still got Pete's tools which seem invested in his presence and I suppose one day I may find owners for. But go slowly Lynn, if you can.

[MartyT]

You may find this article helpful, Lynn ~ and you might consider inviting your daughters to read it, too: Tips on Sorting a Loved One's Personal Belongings

[SadLynn]

Thank you all for your words and encouragement and Marty thank you for the article. I just read it and it is exactly how I feel. I have got to quit expecting so much of myself right now and just survive the best way I can. No this but it is still hard to do. I spoke to my sister today and told her that I could not come and see my mother and she understood. She talked to me for over an hour telling me that it was okay to feel that way. Just want to crawl back in bed and shut the world out but I know I can't so I am going to take a shower, get dressed and see my counselor today. God Bless you all and thank you for being there. I will say that God has been carrying me through this just like in footprints in the sand. I know that without him I would have just curled up and died. Praying that this will turn into a better day.

[feralfae]

Dear Lynn,

I hope that seeing your counselor brings you some peace. You are going through a lot, and right now just making it through the days is enough. I am glad your sister was understanding about your grief and why you could not some to see your mother right now. Some days, getting out of bed, taking a shower, getting dressed and going to see a counselor is a huge challenge, and I am glad you had some plans today that are about taking care of yourself.

As much as you can, take care of yourself first, and listen to your heart. If you do not feel notionally strong enough to carry out some tasks, perhaps you can leave them for another day. You do to need to rush yourself. You need to honor where you are in your grief, and honor your need for solitude, for healing, and for having time to begin to sort out this new life on this journey. Take your time, and be patient and compassionate with yourself. Go as gently with yourself as you can. You need all the gentleness you can give yourself, and all the compassion, too.

Peace to you.

fae

[Queeniemary]

Lynn, I just read your post from June 18, about the dentures, and I laughed and cried also. My husband wore full dentures, and after his death I just did not know what to do with them. I ask our good friend, our dentist, if they could be recycled....he kind of laughed with me, and said no. They are packed away with his toiletries from the bathroom (yes after over 4 years I still have that stuff), just not found a reason to totally get rid of them yet. I did give away most of Mike's clothing in the first year, but still have 4 big totes in the basement with his favorite clothing, his hats (he had many) and some costumes from the many plays that we did together. (we were, and I still am, very involved in community theatre). Just take your time. Weekend before last, my brother and his wife were here visiting. Den was going to fix a lock on my front door, and needed tools. We went to the basement to look in Mike's toolbox, which I have not really looked in, except fleetingly, and found many things that I had no idea I had, including a little router tool that Den needed for the job. Someday I will go through the tools, and probably give to my youngest son, who is in construction, but not yet. I agree with some of the others that say not to do anything in a hurry, because you may be wishing later that you had waited. If you are not needing the money from the sale of the tools, just put on the back burner for a bit, and do it only when you are ready. I also did the same thing in our bedroom, new bed, changed direction of bed, haven't painted yet, but plan to do that sometime this year. I had to make the room mine alone before I could sleep in it. I don't know if that makes sense to others, but it did to me. I said some of this to you, so you see that you are not alone, and that others have faced some of the very same types of emotions regarding things as you. Sending you hugs.

QMary

[kayc]

Lynn,

I hope your visit to the counselor today is of help to you, and I'm so glad your sister was understanding and even more so, that you are recognizing YOUR needs and crusading for your own needs for that is key to survival.

I didn't have a hard time tossing George's dentures, but I still have a lot of his stuff laying around. I sold his Leatherman as I needed the $ and no one had used it all these years, and that liked to have killed me! I still have a few articles of clothing and likely always will.

[SadLynn]

Good visit with my counselor and said that he thought I was doing as well as I could at this time. Told me to practice the rule of 5 and then explained that was to focus on doing 5 things everyday and that it could include anything. I could count just getting up and making my bed and so on. Didn't have to be anything big but to just get use to doing the same 5 things everyday and before long I would not have to be such and effort to do those 5 things and then I could slowly 1 extra thing at a time. To take my time and not be so tough on myself. Told me to concentrate on only myself and not feel guilty doing that. Made me realize that everything that has been flying through my head is entirely normal and that I really am doing okay and that it will get slowly better. So that is my goal for the next few days and I will see how it goes. I also talked to him about my appetite loss and the fact that nothing taste good and he said that would also slowly go away. Hope it does because it is really hard to have a desire to eat anything when nothing taste good. Great for weight loss but does not make you feel very well. Continue to have to force myself to eat anything. Hope I am not just rambling on but it helps so much for all of your feedback and does make me feel like I am not alone. A big thanks to all of you.

[LarrysGirl]

So glad you have a good visit. Sounds like smart information, try not to take on too much because it won't work. Just the daily routine is about most of us could manage, even though some of us still tried to push on. Believe me, it doesn't work, your mind, heart and body have to heal and it takes quite a bit of time. Eat anything that appeals to you. Yes, you do need to eat, so do try to find something that agrees with you. Its all one step at a time. Deborah

[kayc]

What a great idea! It sounds like you have a good counselor who understands what is normal for this stage and doesn't push you to do more than you are able. If you don't feel like eating, try having healthy snacks around and make sure you drink plenty of liquids, as some suggest, perhaps some frozen dinners or Ensure. I personally like making smoothies for when I don't feel like cooking or eating but know I need something. Bananas, berries, protein powder, spinach leaves, yogurt and granola, mixed in blender...has all the food groups. Can add honey to taste.

[Wifflesnook]

I like the sound of your counsellor Lynn. Mine only came once a month and seemed to think I was doing ok even though inside I wasn't. Two years on the pain is still as bad but duller. I have managed really well but ...... For you it's very early days. You may find out, like me, that you haven't put down any memories of this time when you look back. I can't seem to remember anything of my first year without my Pete even though I was rushing about looking after my new grand daughter with our daughter who is a single mother, I jst can't remember it. A protection maybe.

But you need to focus upon the care of yourself.

[kayc]

I lost George June 19...that whole first summer is a blur. All I remember is feeling frantic. I needed to talk to someone, anyone, and everyone seemed to disappear on me! The only one who seemed to "be there" was John...and that was purposeful on his part, a means to an end. I wish I'd been in my right mind so I could have seen him for what he was, a predator that chose to prey on a vulnerable widow so he could use her credit, not caring what he stuck me with. I know, I was "stupid", but really, I'm not normally like that, it was the grief keeping my brain from thinking clearly or seeing right. I think people who come out of this unscathed too much have done remarkably well.

[SadLynn]

Dear KayC,

I am sorry for what you went through. I don't know the whole story but it seems like someone took advantage of your grief and that makes me hurt for you. I am sorry for your pain as I well know that it does make you frantic, crazy, anxious, scared and the list goes on. I do seem to move through each day in a fog and it is really hard to concentrate on much of anything. I hope that you continue to move ahead and find some kind of contentment and peace. That is what I want but right now I really can't see how I will ever reach that, but I know I have to keep trying. As to all others who posted to me thank you for your continued friendship and I want you all to know that I really feel that you are the only ones who really know how I feel and what I am going through. On another note, my stepson came to see me this afternoon. He lives around the block from me and this is only the 2nd time he has visited. Our relationship is rocky and the only time he ever called or visited was when he wanted something. I tried no to be so disappointed in that but is true. He wanted to know what I planned on doing with the car my husband drove as he would like to have it. I told him that I did not plan on selling it or giving it to anyone. Part of me felt bad but I am determined not to give in to his pity party. His problems or not my problems and I have to keep reminding myself of that fact everyday. I feel sorry that he has problems but he and all my children need to grow up and stop using me and my husband before me as their personal safety net. He is 35 years old and still blames his problems on everybody else. Use to make me mad but now it just makes me sad. Hope the rest of day is okay. Hope you all have a good evening or day depending on where you live and God Bless.