SadLynn Posted July 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2014 Hey All, Just wanted to check in with all of you. It has been one of those 2 steps back week. Find myself just sitting. Can't seem to find the energy to do anything. Just have been sitting and watching tv and reading. Still finding it very hard to eat and have been forcing myself to eat anything. Have lost weight but nothing taste good. Did any of you have this problem and if so how long did it last. I went to my doctor on Monday and all was good but I am tired of not having any energy. I would really like to have a desire to eat something. So tired of being tired. Just walk thru each day like I am walking thru quicksand and it is trying to suck me under. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 9, 2014 Report Share Posted July 9, 2014 We did go through that. I didn't care if I ate, my daughter followed me around with food and water for a while. Eventually I went to the mindless eating and gained all that weight back and then some. I don't recall how long it lasted. We've mentioned in other threads how important it is to eat something nutritious. If you don't feel like eating, make a smoothy. I use bananas, berries, yogurt, spinach, protein powder, and you can even throw some granola in and you have all of your food groups, blend, it's good, esp. great in summer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 9, 2014 Report Share Posted July 9, 2014 I lost half a stone (and was only just over seven stone anyway). Now after two years I'm back to my normal weight and I try to eat healthily (sort of). You need to take care of yourself. I think we have all had illnesses brought on by grief. Some minor and some more major. Our beloved partners would want us to care for ourselves as well as they would if they could. Sadlynn I feel for you. Jan Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted July 9, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 9, 2014 Had a visit with my grief counselor and it was good. Felt better today and my counselor tells me I am doing really well even though I don't think so. Told me that I really needed to realize that it was okay to be lazy some days and just rest the best I could. Told me that I was way to hard on myself and that was because I was a type A person. So logical and analytical and that I did not have to justify myself to anyone including myself. Told him that I have been going so hard for the last 3 1/2 years that I feel guilty doing nothing but nothing is what I have been doing. I guess it is really how you define nothing. I need to realize that grieving is a lot of something, if that makes sense. I don't think I really worked this hard at anything before and that I need to realize that the job of grieving is the hardest job I have ever had. Well enough of the crazy. Got a new book on grief that I am looking forward to reading. You all have a good evening and blessed day tomorrow. Lynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 I'm glad you met with your grief counselor, it can be really helpful. People sometimes say you're doing well while you're trying to hold it together, they don't see you at home when you're crying or the frantic hours in the middle of the night. But it could be she may be saying that comparatively as to how you COULD be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Wifflesnook Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 Yes I hate it when people tell me I'm doing well and I know how empty I feel inside. But just putting one foot in front of another is doing well when we have lost our beloved. Just getting up in the morning .... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 10, 2014 Report Share Posted July 10, 2014 Dear ones, I understand completely how it may strike us as insensitive when someone outside our own skin shares the observation that we are doing really well in our grief journey. We all know what it's like to bump into the insensitivity of those who've never been where we are and just don't "get it." Still, when such a statement is offered within the context of a session with a grief counselor (who presumably is quite familiar with the grief process and knows what is normal in grief), I think it carries a different meaning. From what Lynn describes in her post, her counselor not only acknowledged her reactions as normal under the circumstances, but also gave her permission to get the rest her body requires, without labeling it as laziness. Much of what we do as grief counselors is to inform the mourner about what we know of grief, and to normalize the reactions that are unique to that person's individual experience. ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ohsosad Posted July 12, 2014 Report Share Posted July 12, 2014 I have an appt. with a counselor on Tuesday (first time) who is not specifically a grief counselor. I could not find anyone who specializes in grief. I hope she is helpful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 12, 2014 Report Share Posted July 12, 2014 I hope so, too, my friend. It may help you to know in advance what to look for when you meet with this counselor ~ so you'll know fairly quickly if this person is familiar with the normal grief process, has some training and experience in guiding people through it, and therefore is qualified to be working with you. (It's so important to work with someone who does not see grief as some sort of illness that needs to be treated!) Here are a few articles that may be useful to read ahead of time: Seeing a Specialist in Grief Counseling: Does It Matter? Caveat Emptor: Beware False Prophets and Distractions Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted July 15, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Good morning to all and I hope all have been well. It is Tuesday morning here and quiet. It rained last night which we all needed. I have been very quiet and tired. Have not been really feeling very well. Have a constant upset stomach and headache and I am sure it is from lack of food. I am fighting to eat every day to build up my energy. I will be glad when I have a desire for food again. Have not been doing anything else, just reading and watching TV. The days are long and hard but I do get through them. I will be glad when I can say that it was a good day and that I am looking forward to tomorrow. Hope you all have a blessed day and find some comfort and peace. Sadlynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 15, 2014 Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Dear Lynn, I am sorry you are not feeling well. I do understand the lack of interest in food. Have you tried some of the beverages (Ensure etc) or using your blender or bullet to make smoothies (protein powder, banana, greens, almonds, etc). Sipping on these on and off all day can be quite helpful and healthful. Someday you WILL say you had a good day! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 15, 2014 Report Share Posted July 15, 2014 Hi, Lynn, sorry to hear you aren't feeling well. My mom doesn't want to eat any more so we try and interest her in drinking beverages, ensure, milkshake, smoothie, juice, maybe that'd help you feel better. Just realizing you laughed over something, or smiled, or had a good moment is cause for celebration, it doesn't even have to be all day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted July 16, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 16, 2014 I have a mental block about drinking ensure or any type of drink like that. That is the only thing my husband could keep down in the last month of this life and I can't stand to see them as it has way to many memories attached to it that or not happy memories. I know that it will get better over time and I am just going to trust that it will. Sadlynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
feralfae Posted July 16, 2014 Report Share Posted July 16, 2014 Lynn, I can understand about the ensure. I think the better idea for you might be the one Mary suggested, using a blender or bullet to make fresh, healthy smoothies. There are lots of recipes for these on line, and we all probably have suggestions. One I like is made with cooked yam, milk, protein powder, a bit of spinach, half a banana, a few slices of cucumber, and some honey and pumpkin pie spices. It tastes like pumpkin pie in a glass! I know some here also use frozen dinners. We all want to know that you are eating healthy foods, and that you are taking good care of yourself, but I also know that we need to work round some things the first many months or longer. There are still things that can bring painful memories to prepare or eat, and so I simply avoid those things. Maybe someday, they will not seem so overwhelmingly "Doug foods" and I will be able to enjoy them. Take your time, but please do find healthy foods to eat, and keep fresh fruits and veggies in the house for nibbling when you can. Yes, it will get better over time. The grief gets easier to bear, and the load of longing and loneliness get lighter. *<twinkles>* fae Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 16, 2014 Report Share Posted July 16, 2014 Lynn, I understand. I keep smoothies on hand, since it's hard to cook for one, it kind of fills in inbetween times. Berries, bananas, yogurt, protein powder, spinach, sometimes granola. I pick my own blackberries in August. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
LarrysGirl Posted July 16, 2014 Report Share Posted July 16, 2014 I have upset stomachs a lot, mostly due to stress so I know its hard to feel like eating. I will eat yogurt, puddings and for some reason those little frozen ice cups appeal to me during those times. Plus try to get enough water, it makes a big difference. Hope you'll feel better soon, Deborah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted July 17, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Went to see my counselor yesterday afternoon and came back home feeling a lot better. Then my youngest daughter called and said she was coming over to talk to me. She got engaged in May and her wedding was set for next May 2015. We had already booked the venue and purchased her wedding dress. It was very hard to do this so soon after my husband, her father had just died but did it anyway and was glad that I had almost a year to prepare. She came in and said that they had decided to move the wedding date up to August 23, 2014, just 5 weeks away. My first reaction was just panic. It instantly made me sick to my stomach. I know she is having a hard time. She told me that she really does not want to have a wedding at all but just want to go to the courthouse and get married. She does not want to have a wedding because her father will not be there and she said it would not be a happy event for her, just make her sad. I have always told her that the wedding does not matter, but the marriage was the most important think. Her dad and I did not have a wedding but got married by a judge and she told me that our marriage lasted 31 years and would have lasted longer if her dad had not died. I know this is about grief and I really don't know what to tell her but that I love her and would support her decision. I am now grieving this turmoil and it scares me. I know that her and her fiancee love each other but I am concerned with her decision. I told her that I could not plan a smaller wedding in 5 weeks as I was not in a good mental place to accomplish that. I just want to scream!!! She told me that she knew that and would do it herself. I feel like the walls are crashing down all around me and I can't stop them. If you all believe in prayer, please pray for me and my family. Sadlynn Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
mfh Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Dear Lyn, I think you said the right thing to your daughter...the truth. To plan even a small wedding in five weeks given the situation would be a huge challenge and your daughter seems to know that. Perhaps you can ask her for a one task at a time that you feel you can handle. If she makes a list of "to do" items, you could choose one or two to do. It is sad for her to feel she must do this but you are respecting her choices and she sounds as if she is respecting your needs right now. Take one day at a time... I am thinking that even attending a small wedding in five weeks probably seems insurmountable. Keep in mind that we rise to the occasion and that the challenges of planning a huge wedding next spring are now off of your plate. You can do this even though you feel the walls crashing around you. Peace to your heart, Mary Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Dear Lynn, here is another thought: If they prefer not to delay getting married for whatever reason, your daughter and her fiance might consider having a quiet, private civil ceremony now and a nice, formal wedding later, when you all feel better prepared to plan and participate in it. This is your daughter, and as a mom I know how important it was to me to participate in planning both my sons' weddings and to share those milestone events in a public way with family and friends. Those are some of my fondest memories. Don't all mothers dream of that? As the mother of the bride, only you know how important this may be to you, and this may represent yet another significant loss for you. Still, if your daughter insists on proceeding with wedding plans now, I agree with Mary: You are wise to let her take over as much of the planning as possible and take on only what you feel capable of handling, as difficult as that may be for you. You must find a way to put your own needs first, and feel okay about doing so. Incidentally, your daughter may be interested to know that there are many lovely and creative ways to include a deceased loved one in a wedding ceremony. See, for example, A Wedding Guide for Grievers: Tips for Remembering and Coping Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 17, 2014 Report Share Posted July 17, 2014 Lynn, I understand your feelings. When my son got married, I was on layoff and had no money. When I overheard my soon to be DIL's mother say "the son's parents" are responsible for the rehearsal dinner, it made me physically ill...it was a large formal wedding and no way could I afford that. In the end, they sold some coins and paid for it themselves. Everyone's situation is different and I think a bride and groom, if they are old enough to get married, need to be mature enough to understand and consider that. I did help with some of it, but not financially, it was a sacrifice to me to even give them a nice shower and wedding gifts, I did my best. When my daughter got married, she did all of it herself, leaving me completely out. That hurt. I would have liked to have been included when she shopped for a wedding dress, or decorated, or made wedding invitations. But we have to respect their choices, even if they aren't to our liking. I think your job is to protect yourself in this vulnerable time, to know what you are up to and what you are not, and to convey that. Sometimes it's hard. We have this idea of what is expected of us and if we aren't able to live up to that, we can be hard on ourselves. But the truth is, sometimes that is not what our kids expect of us and they are willing to stand in the gap. Marty, that is such a good link, I hope that will be of help to Lynn. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted July 31, 2014 Author Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Hello Everyone, Been a while since I have been here. Just wanted to check in and let you all know that I am doing much better. Finally got my appetite back and actually wanting to eat has made me not only feel better but has given me more energy. I have been keeping busy working on my house with painting and just freshening things up. Have been getting my 5 year old granddaughter ready to start kindergarten next week and just really being a part of life again. My youngest daughter is getting married next week and they are going to the courthouse and getting married by the onsite minister. She made a really good case for this and I agreed with her logic. This is what is going to make her happy and she is feeling so much better without having to deal with a wedding. I am invited to the courthouse to witness and I am really happy for her. Love her and my future son-in-law. I have graduated from seeing my counselor every week to every two weeks. I really thank everyone hear for getting me thru the last 2 months of darkness. I know that I will still have many days of grief but I believe that I can see light again and have a much better perspective on the days to come. I have started to find my mental strength and can see hope for a future. I will always miss my beloved Ben, but I know that I have the courage to live without him until I meet him again in heaven. Pray that all who are on this site have a peaceful and loving day. Sadlynn (Donna) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MartyT Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Your post warms my heart, Donna. Thank you so much for sharing your good news ~ and know that we are with you! ♥ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted July 31, 2014 Report Share Posted July 31, 2014 Donna, I am happy to hear your news! Being engaged with life is so essential, and it helps to have kids nearby and grandkids too. Remember, if you see yourself feeling back to square one, that it is temporary and normal, and realize that overall you ARE moving in a progressive fashion. I just don't want it to catch you unawares, it happens to most of us, but the duration and frequency lessens, and eventually we find ourselves living our new normal. I have learned to enjoy whatever is good, and realize that for however long it lasts, I am grateful. Congratulations to your daughter and to you too, for you will have a new son-in-law! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SadLynn Posted August 6, 2014 Author Report Share Posted August 6, 2014 Wanted to check in and see how all are doing. My youngest daughter got married yesterday and even though it was at the park behind our courthouse it was beautiful and sweet. My five year old granddaughter started school today and all went well and she did extremely well. So glad but, it was hard to watch her get on the school bus and I prayed all day that she would love it. I met her school bus this afternoon and she was happy and said she had fun. Met with my counselor today and he told me that he would not make any more scheduled appointments since I was doing well and just call him if I thought I needed to meet with him. I was okay with that. He asked me how I had changed my attitude so swiftly. I explained that I was through with being hopeless and had decided that I would be hopeful instead. I had just decided that I was going to view things in a hopeful way even if they made me sad. It has been 4 months since my beloved Ben has been gone and even though I would love to have him here with me, I know that is impossible. I am thankful everyday for what I had, have and will have in the future. I know that I will have times of sorrow but I am not going to let it stop me from living. I am learning to live everyday and be joyful for that day. Have a blessed and joyful day. Sadlynn (Donna) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted August 9, 2014 Report Share Posted August 9, 2014 Donna, I am impressed and we can all use a dose of your attitude! I'm glad your daughter had a nice wedding and your granddaughter enjoyed starting school. We have our ups and downs on this journey but it really helps to LOOK for positive, it affects our focus and aids us in our adjustment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now