Loss Of Husband

[feralfae]

. . . and I think the best thing about Looking positive is that it does actually force us to find some positive things to think about or talk about, and that actually does open some doors for our healing.

Thank you for all the positive people here.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[praised74]

I am so sorry for your loss. On my husband's birthday, my daughter and grandson who both took off from work took me to the movies and out to lunch to celebrate his birthday. We went to see Last Vegas and we laughed enjoyed being together. So on those "Firsts", I try to plan something that will celebrate him. On Father's day I went to see a play and my daughter took me to lunch. Make those "Firsts" special.

[SadLynn]

Hey All,

I have been reading the new posts but have not been in a mood to post much of anything. It has now been 6 months since I lost my Ben and I really think it is harder now than at the beginning. The last two weeks I have just been so tired and sad. I know that this is a roller coaster ride but I really hate the ride. Can't seem to get myself going. I get up everyday and do all the things I am suppose to do, but can't find the joy in any of it. I am mad at myself for this and even though I know that I am grieving I can't seem to give myself a break. Just so tired of being tired and sad. Seems like I should be able to move forward but I am not. Would love some advice. Am I expecting to much of myself to early!

Donna (sadlynn)

[enna]

Hello Donna,

Six months is such a very short time. It sounds like you are beginning to come out of the “fog” we hear about when we are in early grief.

I understand tired. I have been tired since May of 2012. Some days are better than others but it seems like the tired will always be with us. You are right about this journey being a rollercoaster ride and it is not the thrill ride one got when young and enjoying the adventure of the crazy dips you get when riding. Some days seem fine and you begin to think you’ll get through this and other days you just want to curl up and stay under the covers. I have been told that this is “normal” when grieving.

In time and with doing grief work the light begins to brighten ~ the cloud over your head begins to lift and you might even feel the corners of your mouth turn up.

You must be patient. This journey is a “process” that takes as long as it takes. We cannot hurry through it.

One thing I have learned on this journey is to take one day at a time and to expect ups and downs ~ they will come but they also pass. I also have found that the more I learn about grief the better I am able to understand what is going on with me. My emotions change from day to day. Spousal loss is so unique to any other loss. I used to think I understood grief since I have had so many losses in my life ~ grandparents, parents, siblings (three), friends, and one very special dog. When my Jim died I found out I did not know grief ~ each loss is different but the loss of your spouse changes who you are. It takes patience to learn who the new you is going to be. You are not the same person but you have the potential to become something just as beautiful when your Ben was alive.

You are not alone on this journey. This place is ‘safe’ and those here understand and are always here to listen. I have received some pretty good advice from this group. Most importantly, my story has been validated and no one here has ever told me to “get over it.” Sharing our stories is part of the healing process.

Anne

[mfh]

Hi Donna,

How I wish I had a magic wand for you but the only way through grief is through it....with its ups and downs, decent days, bands days and once in a while early on a good day. Anne is so right. The fog lifts around now and we start to realize the loss with its pieces and secondary losses. I really urge you to do some reading to educate yourself about spousal loss. Like Anne I had to learn more about grief in spite of walking through it with many clients over the years and in spite of my own losses. There is nothing like spousal loss because we live with this person, have dreams, sometimes children and interact every day. Losing a child is so hard also. But in realty all losses of those significant people in our lives are so difficult. Please do think about going to the Tools forum and reading some or many of the articles there. It is still one day at a time but truly the lows get further apart and it gets easier. Perhaps read some of the posts written by those who are further out from their losses. I am so sorry you hurt so much. We are here for you. We know the hurt. We live it.

[kayc]

Donna,

I've heard many say that six months was when it really sunk in. Friends/family have gone back to their lives, the details have been attended to, reality has sunk in and you're no longer in denial. It's a hard cup to swallow. But it is about that time that the grief work really begins and with it, the healing. It doesn't come at once, but little by little, so try to be patient with yourself and understanding. Keep posting, it helps to let it out and not hold it in. It also helps to feel you're not alone in what you're going through and feeling and know that you are heard and understood.

[SadLynn]

Dear Anne, Mary and KayC,

Thank you all for your response. I am sitting here crying which I seem to do more than at the beginning. I am glad to know that I am okay and that it really is the grief and me just not being lazy as some say. Thank you for your continued thoughts and understanding. I will work on reading more about grief.

Donna

[kayc]

Donna,

I can't understand people thinking you're lazy. When you suffer a loss like this it seems paralyzing! They can't know unless they've gone through it, and unless the relationship they lost was as valued to them as yours to you. Yes, this is normal response. And it's okay to cry, I like to think of it as the release valve on the pressure cooker...we all know what would happen if we didn't have that release!