Heartbreak A Lifetime Ago That Still Endures

[Stephen523]

I am new to the site, and would appreciate your insight on my situation. Nearly 26 years ago I lost the love of my life, Mary in an automobile accident. I was 19 at the time and we had met when she began working at the grocery store where I had been employed for a couple of years. One day, my mom had gone through her line and when my my mom was paying for the groceries, Mary saw my picture in her wallet and asked if how my mom knew me. They talked a bit and when my mom told me about it, I worked up the courage to ask her out. Thankfully, she said yes.

Mary was beautiful and kind, she had had a rough breakup and was heartbroken in a previous relationship. When we talked, I understood (never really having any relationship myself that lasted more than a month or two) and we took things slowly. I was head over heels for her and thought that we had time, me being 19 and her being 17. We dated a few months, and it was the most wonderful relationship that I had ever experienced. I was looking forward to the holidays with her, the first time for having a steady girlfriend. My folks loved her, her mom loved me, it seemed so perfect.

October 22nd, 1988 my world shattered. On her way to a cashier's meeting early that Saturday morning, her front tire blew out and she lost control of her car and was killed in a head on collision with a pick up truck, sadly the other man did not survive either. I had lost a very good friend of mine in January of '87, our senior year in an accident as well. His death was the first time that I lost someone who wasn't an older relative. As much as losing Greg had hurt, losing Mary was the most devastating thing in the world to me. I was lost. My folks and friends kept me surrounded with love as I slowly tried to become me again.

I was usually a fun loving person, telling bad jokes and silly puns. I couldn't laugh anymore. I was 19 and had lost THE ONE. The night of October 22nd I dreamed that she had come to me and told me that she loved me and to be strong. I dreamt of her that first year, then never again sadly. She was constantly in my thoughts, but never when I was asleep.

Just before my 21st birthday I met a wonderful young lady who healed a lot of my wounds. I was lonely and thought I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. The odd thing is she shared the same first and middle name (Mary Ellen) and she is also 2 years younger than me. I told her all about the first Mary, and she understood and was patient with me. We married 6 months later, and had 2 beautiful kids, a daughter & son.

Our daughter is now 23, and our son will be 18 next month. You would think that I had moved on. Well, that is what brought me here.

With my daughter now 4 hours away, my son also getting close to adulthood, and being out more, and my wife works overnights. I have a lot more time to myself. I also changed jobs this year where I now have a 40 minute commute one way it gives my mind a lot of idle time. Being a young parent, the kids kept me busy. My life is a really happy one otherwise. And that's why I feel so guilty.

My best friend of about 18 years is moving to Michigan this week (I am in Florida), and my life is getting eerily similar to my life of when I lost Mary. I have never stopped thinking of her or loving her. The anniversary of her death is always hard. But now, I think about her as much as I used to. I feel guilty that my heart is divided, and that my first love is still so strong. If I were to pass on (not that I am hastening the process) I would want to be with her.

I know that logic does not apply to this situation, looking at it on the screen I feel like a heel for not embracing the blessings that I do have. I love my wife a lot, but part of my heart has been closed for almost 26 years and is untouchable. This is the main reason I came to the site. In 1988 I wasn't on the web, an when I finally got internet in the mid-'90's, I was wrapped up and busy with the kids. I could really use some insight and guidance.

Thanks for reading the long post,

Steve

[MartyT]

Steve, my dear, you don't say what, if any, support you received at the time of your first Mary's death so many years ago, so it could be that you've never fully processed this significant loss. Unresolved grief never really goes away; it simply lies there, waiting for us to deal with it. And sometimes it can wait for years. The good news is that it's never too late to deal with it.

Your story reminds me so much of one that appeared here a few years ago and, with the member's permission, it was posted on my blog. I invite you to read Craig's compelling story, as I think it will resonate with you and help you to understand what could be going on with you: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief. (Make sure that you read the articles listed at the base of the post, too.)

[kayc]

Steve,

My heart breaks for you. I can certainly understand why you are going through this now, as if it's fresh...right now you are at that crossroads time in life where you think about what your future is, your kids leaving home, your job ending, your best friend moving, and your wife being busy...it is natural that you wonder about what is and could have been.

You see, when you lose someone you love, you never stop loving them, nor do you stop missing them. One person never replaces another person, they establish their own place in your heart. Our hearts are big enough to love both the one we lost and the one that is here now. I do hope you will make the time to spend more time with your wife. Have you talked with her about all of this coming back to you? The other things going on in your life are undoubtedly partly responsible for it all resurfacing now.

Embracing the blessings that you do have requires concerted effort and focus. Having been married to someone for 23 years that never let me in (it ended in divorce), I encourage you to see a counselor to help you open up to the wife that has graced your life all these years. I only know from my own life experience...my XH saw his best friend blown up in Viet Nam and lost his childhood sweethearts so that he was never fully available to me emotionally to love or cherish me...it did affect our relationship. He was unwilling to get counseling. It is hard to live as someone else's ghost...I really hope you'll take these words to heart.

Empty nesters face a strange time in their lives. You wonder where the years have gone. You wonder if this is all there is. How are you going to face retirement with this stranger that is your spouse. And so much more...at least that's what I felt in my 40s. I hope you will be able to create some solid answers for yourself, so much is in your focus and effort.

Good luck to you, and I'm glad you were able to voice yourself here.

[Stephen523]

Thank you Marty & Kay,

Marty, I never went to any kind of formal counseling. My family and friends were very supportive of me, at 19 I thought I would deal with it on my own, and through my wife's help my life became pretty normal. Over the years, I of course had some rough days. I dislike secrets, and am not good at them so I do let my wife know because it is obvious when I am down. I'm going to read the story you posted once things quiet down here at work in a bit.

Kay, I have talked to my wife about it and she understands. She is really great, when she is off we do spend the time together, but when she works we hardly see one another due to the need for sleep. I didn't mean to paint her in the wrong light, she is really wonderful. The difficult part to articulate is how bright the future once seemed, I feel so badly that because our future ended in an instant, no goodbye, no warning, no resolution while our love was still growing. It was perfect, and as wonderful as my wife is I still think about what was and could have been. I know how really fortunate I am, I just feel a bit guilty about it. I am so glad that there is a place to come and talk. I am a Christian, and know that I will see her again. But the part that concerns me is when that time comes to have to choose. A relationship that was months old versus one of decades. The math does not add up, because my heart aches for what was and feels guilt for loving the one that is gone as well as the one that is here.

.

I did reach out to my first love's mom a couple weeks ago I hadn't contacted her for a long time because I did not want to hurt her. She was really happy to hear from me, she knows about my family as she is friends with my mom, but they had drifted apart awhile ago and are now in touch again after I spoke with her. Talking to her mom was great, and I wish I had done it sooner.

I know that i am not alone, and the situation feels complicated. After reading some of the threads here, I know that no one's journey is a simple one.

[kayc]

But that's just it, you don't have to choose. That's why the Bible says there is no marriage in heaven. I know a lot of people here still feel married to their spouse and for them maybe nothing really changes, the piece of paper is a moot point there, but when you've had more than one you will still have meaning to both. There is no more jealousy, things are perfect there...it's hard for us to imagine because this is all we've ever known. (Spoken as one Christian to another, no offense to those who don't believe in the Bible).

I didn't get a bad impression for your wife, quite the opposite, I feel for her because it's hard when your spouse won't open up to you. I'm glad to hear you have talked to her about it. You said something about being closed. I hope you will consider a grief counselor. Even after all this time, it can still emerge, esp. when other things trigger it. I think a professional would be able to guide you through to acceptance.

Nope, you're not alone! You have more company than you realize!

[Stephen523]

Thank you Kay, I will certainly take this to heart.

[SadLynn]

I agree with Kay there is no marriage in heaven according to the bible. I believe that the love in heaven is so much more than the love we have on earth. Even though the 1st person after Jesus I want to see in heaven is my beloved husband Ben, I know that in heaven he will be much more to me than my husband. I am glad that you have talked to your wife as she seems to understand that you are grieving and is not jealous of your former love. Keep talking and do no shut her out. You need to talk about your feelings and realize you are not making a choice between two Mary's. The only choice you have is to live in the present and not the past. I am sorry that you are feeling this grief now but as I have realized, you will have to deal with it. God bless you and I hope he will ease you pain.

[Stephen523]

Thank you Lynn.

[enna]

Oh, Steve, I am so sorry for this tragedy ~ losing your Mary.

My heart reaches out to you for this sorrow. We all have to walk our own grief journey in whatever way we know how. Educating ourselves about grief is the best way for us to move through in a healing way. Our loved ones will always be in our hearts and what we hope to do is carry their memories with love. Allow your feelings and be open to yourself. Your grief will not go away if you have not allowed the expression of grief. Many of us push our feelings aside thinking that 'in time' we'll be okay. This is a myth. We are okay only when we allow the grief to happen.

I am glad you had contact with Mary's mom.

Anne

[kayc]

I hesitate to say anything about marriage in heaven because I know it's a sensitive subject. Those of us who have lost our spouse to death still feel that bond with them that will never be broken, no matter what separates us, even death. We chose to be married to our soulmate and best friend and didn't want them yanked away from us. I leave the logistics up to God for it's too big for me to figure out, but I know that how George and I feel about each other will never change, regardless as to how heaven is or what God has designed for us...I am and always will remain his little one, as he always called me. I can't imagine feeling anything greater for anyone than I do for him, if God can instill that, more power to Him!

[Stephen523]

Enna, thank you so very much. I think that I did push the grief aside as we raised our family. I never had a lot of downtime between work & family. Now that I am in less demand, my mind has ample time to wander. Nearly 26 years, and those wounds still hurt a lot. Thankfully, I had a wonderful Father's Day weekend, and am a little less gloomy today. I really appreciate your kindness.

Kay, I know what you mean. The no marriage in Heaven is one of my least favorite ideas. But as you said, it's far more complex than we can imagine. I am merely a simple human. I just have to have faith that things will be as they should when the time comes. I am just really glad to have been able to relate this to others who understand.

Best,

Steve

[feralfae]

Dear Steve,

I hope you can find a good grief counselor who understands delayed grief, because I think it is possible that you could do a lot of healing by working with a grief counselor even after all this time.

Now I am going to go read the article Marty posted above ^. I am sure it will be helpful for anyone who is carrying unresolved grief, no matter how old that grief is.

Blessings and Peace to your heart,

feralfae

[feralfae]

Steve, my dear, you don't say what, if any, support you received at the time of your first Mary's death so many years ago, so it could be that you've never fully processed this significant loss. Unresolved grief never really goes away; it simply lies there, waiting for us to deal with it. And sometimes it can wait for years. The good news is that it's never too late to deal with it.

Your story reminds me so much of one that appeared here a few years ago and, with the member's permission, it was posted on my blog. I invite you to read Craig's compelling story, as I think it will resonate with you and help you to understand what could be going on with you: Voices of Experience: Delayed Grief. (Make sure that you read the articles listed at the base of the post, too.)

Dear Marty,

That story moved me to tears. What a heart-felt sharing of going through such a profound shift in the awareness and emotional health of the author. And I also admire his courage and his ability to communicate his journey.

I think this article would be helpful for anyone still unlocking any grief doors remaining closed up in their hearts.

Thank you very much.

fae

[Stephen523]

Hi Fae,

Thank you, I am considering seeing a counselor to see if it helps to resolve these feelings. That story that Marty was great, and really hit home.

Best,

Steve

[feralfae]

Hi Steve,

I still see my grief counselor occasionally after more than two years. I actually cannot think of any down side to seeing a counselor. I spent time writing two pages of notes for her before I saw her, thinking my situation was highly unusual. Being a professional grief counselor, she read the list, and smiled gently and said that I was not unusual at all, and that she felt she could help me. She also let me know that I was not crazy, which was wonderfully comforting.

I do hope you find and see a grief counselor. Yes, that was a truly great story, and brought tears to my eyes and a feeling of comfort and release for some of my own grief as well.

I hope you begin to heal. Please let us know how you are doing from time to time. We do care.

Peace and Blessings,

fae

[kayc]

Steve, Wishing you the best in resolution along your grief journey...this place has been a life saver to me and I hope it has been a help to you as well. I just hope you understand that your feelings are totally normal and you have good company!

[Stephen523]

Thank you Kay, this community has been helpful. It's good talking with folks who truly understand.