Stephen523 Posted June 10, 2014 Report Share Posted June 10, 2014 I am new to the site, and would appreciate your insight on my situation. Nearly 26 years ago I lost the love of my life, Mary in an automobile accident. I was 19 at the time and we had met when she began working at the grocery store where I had been employed for a couple of years. One day, my mom had gone through her line and when my my mom was paying for the groceries, Mary saw my picture in her wallet and asked if how my mom knew me. They talked a bit and when my mom told me about it, I worked up the courage to ask her out. Thankfully, she said yes. Mary was beautiful and kind, she had had a rough breakup and was heartbroken in a previous relationship. When we talked, I understood (never really having any relationship myself that lasted more than a month or two) and we took things slowly. I was head over heels for her and thought that we had time, me being 19 and her being 17. We dated a few months, and it was the most wonderful relationship that I had ever experienced. I was looking forward to the holidays with her, the first time for having a steady girlfriend. My folks loved her, her mom loved me, it seemed so perfect. October 22nd, 1988 my world shattered. On her way to a cashier's meeting early that Saturday morning, her front tire blew out and she lost control of her car and was killed in a head on collision with a pick up truck, sadly the other man did not survive either. I had lost a very good friend of mine in January of '87, our senior year in an accident as well. His death was the first time that I lost someone who wasn't an older relative. As much as losing Greg had hurt, losing Mary was the most devastating thing in the world to me. I was lost. My folks and friends kept me surrounded with love as I slowly tried to become me again. I was usually a fun loving person, telling bad jokes and silly puns. I couldn't laugh anymore. I was 19 and had lost THE ONE. The night of October 22nd I dreamed that she had come to me and told me that she loved me and to be strong. I dreamt of her that first year, then never again sadly. She was constantly in my thoughts, but never when I was asleep. Just before my 21st birthday I met a wonderful young lady who healed a lot of my wounds. I was lonely and thought I was doomed to be alone for the rest of my life. The odd thing is she shared the same first and middle name (Mary Ellen) and she is also 2 years younger than me. I told her all about the first Mary, and she understood and was patient with me. We married 6 months later, and had 2 beautiful kids, a daughter & son. Our daughter is now 23, and our son will be 18 next month. You would think that I had moved on. Well, that is what brought me here. With my daughter now 4 hours away, my son also getting close to adulthood, and being out more, and my wife works overnights. I have a lot more time to myself. I also changed jobs this year where I now have a 40 minute commute one way it gives my mind a lot of idle time. Being a young parent, the kids kept me busy. My life is a really happy one otherwise. And that's why I feel so guilty. My best friend of about 18 years is moving to Michigan this week (I am in Florida), and my life is getting eerily similar to my life of when I lost Mary. I have never stopped thinking of her or loving her. The anniversary of her death is always hard. But now, I think about her as much as I used to. I feel guilty that my heart is divided, and that my first love is still so strong. If I were to pass on (not that I am hastening the process) I would want to be with her. I know that logic does not apply to this situation, looking at it on the screen I feel like a heel for not embracing the blessings that I do have. I love my wife a lot, but part of my heart has been closed for almost 26 years and is untouchable. This is the main reason I came to the site. In 1988 I wasn't on the web, an when I finally got internet in the mid-'90's, I was wrapped up and busy with the kids. I could really use some insight and guidance. Thanks for reading the long post, Steve Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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