Need Some Advice

[Jackie84]

I had lost my boyfriend last summer in a very tragic and unexpected accident. His family blames me for his death and is certain that I had something to do with it- despite the autopsy report and what the police had said. This last year has been hell... As if losing him wasn't terrible enough, being blamed for his death and then had his family go out of their way to try to hurt me and cause problems for me. I understand that grieving is different for everyone and that some people blame others. I'm not even upset about that or for putting me thru what they have and I've learned to forgive them. Not for them, but for me and as part of my growing and healing process. His brother was the only one who has tried keeping in contact this whole time and checking up on me and my son but in the recent months we've continued talking more and getting to know each other better. We both have feelings for each other and like and care for eachother. I know it seems weird and hard to understand but I guess this can be a common thing for someone whose lost a partner?! We want to be together but the fact that his family hates me and still blames me is a huge issue. We both think we've found something special and different with eachother but he's torn because he doesn't want to hurt anyone, and I certainly don't want to put him I. The position to choose between me and his family. Not really sure where to go from here or if things could ever even really work?? Any advice would be much appreciated!!

[kayc]

Jackie,

I am very sorry for your loss. My mom married brothers and I'd never recommend that. I was offspring from the second batch. All of us kids were ostracized as well as her and my dad, from his family. I grew up not knowing my aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, even though they lived right there in town. It was a horrible price that us kids paid for.

Now that the aunts and uncles and grandparents are dead, we are getting to know a couple of our cousins, but it's not the same as growing up knowing them. I feel we all missed out on something and with the adults could have been big enough to get past it for us kids' sakes.

Having said that, every family is different. Even though you two weren't married, still, his family blaming you may not go away. Can you and his brother live with that, being outcast, having kids that don't know their family? Good luck to you, it's an individual decision that only you and he can make. You are both certainly free to pursue a relationship, just realize what the cost could be going in, and decide for yourselves if it is worth it to you.

[MartyT]

I am so sorry to learn of the tragic death of your boyfriend, and I can't imagine how awful it must be to cope with all of this ~ not only with the loss of your beloved but also with his family's need to place blame for the accident at your feet.

With any big decision like this one, you might consider a session or two with a couples counselor or family therapist ~ someone who can look at your situation from a totally objective point of view and help you sort through all of the issues involved, seen and unseen.

Still, as Kay says, everyone is different. You know yourselves far better than we do, and this is a decision only the two of you can make, because you two are the ones who must live with the consequences of whatever you decide.

[feralfae]

I am sorry for your loss. I am so sorry to hear about your terrible times you had. I hope you can keep getting help to let go of the anger and other emotional loads that might be lingering. What a tragic situation!

Your situation has been so starkly traumatizing this last year, that I hope you can put off making any decisions for a while longer, until you have had time to finish grieving, to step back and find out who you have become through this terribly time, and to establish some close and loving ties with other people who are not related. I hope you have supportive family of your own around you at this time.

While all families are different, this situation sounds very painful for everyone.

You mention your son, and I wonder if your boyfriend is his father. There is certainly a lot of family dynamic going through some very rough times. Do you think that giving people more time to work through their own grief and anger, and distancing yourself from the situation so that you might heal more from your own grieving, would be helpful? I am often amazed at the difference in my healing from one day to the next, especially when some wonderful insights come to me during meditation or prayers.

I think seeing a counselor is a great idea. Could you delay any decisions for a while, and perhaps a few sessions, perhaps a couple that include your son? You have a lot to think about and no doubt a lot of emotional storms still rising from time to time. I vote for patience, more healing, and seeing a counselor for a while.

I am sorry for this time of confusion and so many questions. I know you will make the best decisions for you and your son. You have a thoughtful tone to your writing, so I know you are seriously considering many issues. Sometimes, a bit more time is just what we need to process and sort out overwhelming emotions and concerns.

Take all the time you need to think this through.

Kind regards,

feralfae