Lightning Strikes Twice...

[ffigoni]

Hello. I would first like to say that you have no idea what means to me that someone took the time to put this website up. It may have saved my sanity… And I apologize for the book I am about to post…

I’m a 47 year old man who had his marriage of 19 end after my ex wife’s brother died of a drug overdose. Throughout the entire process of our breakup and the slow decline of my ex wife’s happiness, I could feel something was wrong, but I just couldn’t help or stop it from happening. Eventually, she walked out of our marriage five months after his death, as soon as my youngest daughter left our house. It was like watching a car wreck in slow motion where there’s nothing I could do to stop it… It really sucked the life out of me and left me devastated. I spent months dealing with pain on a daily basis. My work suffered and my home life consisted of drinking heavily to kill the pain I knew awaited every evening. The only saving grace in this process and what probably saved my life was my eldest daughter who helped me through the whole grieving process.

It was eight months after this breakup, when I finally got my life back together and felt somewhat normal, in that I only broke down once in a while. It was early March and I decided to finally go to see my best friend who I had avoided over the past six months. At this time, I had a long time acquaintance, which happened to be his sister Alex, enter into my life. I could characterize the first five months of our relationship as incredibly passionate, symbiotic, and very strong. I had never experienced love, chemistry and connection on that level in my life. We had already had a twenty-year peripheral relationship, which brought us together on many occasions, including her mother’s death 12 years previous. Within two months of our relationship we were already discussing a future marriage.

It was mid July when I received a text from her that her father, who had been fighting cancer for years, had fallen outside of his house and was now in the emergency room. Over the next three weeks he slowly declined and finally died in early August. Looking back now and after reading all the stories on this site, I can very easily see every sign of what was coming, if I only had the knowledge and ability to interpret them at the time…

Her father was her whole life after her mother had passed away. Yes, she had her sister and brother, but she was a single mother with little contact from her young daughters father. Although she did have a job, she didn’t make much for her lifestyle. I had found out that her father had been a Doctor and paid for her lifestyle, which can be considered “top shelf,” and apartment in a very expensive area of Sacramento, Ca. Her lease for her apartment was coming up for renewal at the end of the month and she had no idea how she was going to afford the rent. She was not only dealing with the death of her father, all the external forces were crushing her.

I attempted to take pressure off of her by suggesting if she needed to use me as a last resort, that she could move in with me. However, I lived over a hundred miles away in a small town in the Sierra Nevada Mountains, which would mean quitting her job and moving away from everything she knew in Sacramento. Within two days, she had made up her mind that she would move into my house after a planned trip to Lake Tahoe at the end of the month. At that time, I was surprised she made such a snap decision, but I just attributed it to her desire to be with me, not that she was completely incapable of any rational thinking during this period of the grieving process.

We took our trip to Tahoe at the end of August to celebrate her 40th birthday, just three weeks after her father’s funeral. I knew she should be grieving, but she never cried, never needed support from me, and never showed much emotion about it, in effect, she had buried it deep inside herself. It was at this time though I noticed a very big difference in the woman I had known before her fathers passing and now. She no longer smiled at me, no longer looked at me with any sort of love in her eyes, and stopped responding to a daily love letter I emailed her every day since we first became lovers. She tried to be the same person, I could see her trying, but she was just wasn’t the same.

She moved into my house a week later and we setup our domestic life together. She seemed happy, but again, she had stopped responding to me with the same body language as prior to her father’s death, but she seemed to be taking it all very well. Over the next three months, she picked out a new floor to go into our house, she painted the walls, and she would greet me every evening with a martini and a kiss. I was in absolute heaven with the woman I loved and I never saw the train wreck coming…

It was the week of Thanksgiving and she desperately wanted to go visit my mother who lived in the bay area. I look at this point as the beginning of the end. My mother, a manic depressant, didn’t want to really deal with Thanksgiving so she declined. I knew my mother and also knew that if we had just shown up, everything would have been fine. However, Alex took this very personally. Alex began crying and told me that my mother hated her. She stormed off, telling me to forget it. I was taken aback by the reaction, not knowing how to fix the situation or make her feel better. We did have a very small Thanksgiving by ourselves, but I could tell she was still genuinely hurt. That next week, I tried to pull her out of what I saw to be depression by taking a ride with her and her daughter to a u-cut Christmas tree out in the mountains. We spend a day of it, picking out the tree, pulling out the lights, finding all the right ornaments, and decorating the house. I had bought thousands of white lights to decorate the outside of the house because he loved outside lights. She was smiling by the end of the day and we went to a Christmas parade that evening to see Santa for her daughter and everything seemed normal again.

Over the next two weeks however, she needed to take frequent trips to her father’s house in Sacramento to deal with several issues regarding his estate. Day trips turned into two days, then three, then a week. She was rarely home that month spending most of her time at her father’s house. I asked her if she needed me to help her, but she kept telling me that everything was fine and that she was just going through paperwork at his house. She came back two days prior to Christmas and we spent the day making Christmas cookies with her daughter. Laughing, smiling, sharing… Everything still seemed fine. On Christmas Eve, I sent her a love note again and I received the last positive response I have from her. “I love you, you are my whole world.”

Christmas morning came and she seemed very agitated. She made a Pavlova, which her mother had always made at Christmas time and we had a wonderful dinner. She told me she again had to leave in the morning for her father’s house, which caught me by surprise because we were going to plan that week for an upcoming trip after the first of the year to New Zealand for her brothers wedding where I was the best man and she was the maid of honor. However, I never questioned it and I would be busy getting everything ready for the end of the year at work. She departed in the morning.

She returned a day prior to new years and I knew something was wrong. She was not smiling and seemed distant from me. That evening, when I tried to make love, she simply said no, that she had a breakdown in her car on the way to her father’s house and everything had changed but she couldn’t talk about it. I heard the pain in her voice, which came out in anguish, which surprised me, but I took this as her having an emotional response to it and left it alone. But New Years was no better, as she was agitated and began criticizing me.

She barely talked to me the next two days leading up to our trip, but she did quickly relate to me how she felt like there was nothing for her to do where we lived. This was strange, because I had warned her about it so I didn’t understand. She told me she was looking into being a beautician and going back to school. I thought this would be a good idea for her as she felt so alone and isolated, but I had no real idea how she was going to do it. None of this mattered however, as we were going to travel the next day.

We flew to New Zealand and I knew immediately she was in a very deep emotional state. The entire trip, she either ignored me or was completely hostile to me, to the point I contemplated flying home after two days into our trip. I stuck it out, but it just got worse and worse for me. Her daughter started attacking me verbally and my friend kept pulling me aside, apologizing to me for her sister and niece. I didn’t understand what was going on and felt like I did when my wife had left me over a year and a half before. I withdrew totally form her on that trip and attempted to just stay out of her way as any form of love was met with a hostile reaction.

When we got back, I had formed a plan to find out what was going on and really tried to engage her by taking her and her daughter on hikes, and other excursions. Nothing changed however, as she was still withdrawn…

It was at this time, her brother contacted me with a new job offer in Houston, TX. Alex immediately told me to peruse the offer and she seemed genuinely happy it had come up. So with that in mind, I was hoping it would mean a good positive change for us. She would be close to her brother and we could start a new life in Houston.

Over the next month, I interviewed with the company and they gave me an offer making quite a bit more than I had been currently making. It seemed like salvation for us at the time. But when I told Alex about it, she immediately told me she was moving back to Sacramento and needed time to find a place to live. She found a school to go to and would need to find something by April 1st.

At this point, everything became surreal. I withdrew further from her as every time I tried to reach her emotionally, I was met with hostility… I asked her about us and how we would survive this, she flat out told me that she had no interest in a long distance relationship. With that, she spent the next month at her father’s house until she came up to move all her stuff.

I attempted over the past few months since moving to contact her, but I received nothing from her until last Sunday when I received this:

<<<It is over. You must move on. I wish you all the best, but do not wish to maintain any sort of contact.

This is the only time I will respond. Do not contact me using ANY means, email, text, phone calls or through other people. If you continue to do so I will consider this harassment.>>>

She was the love of my life and the most wonderful person I have ever experienced in my time on this planet. To say I’m devastated is an understatement…

The real strange thing is my ex-wife, whom I had the same experience with, finally contacted me socially and not through a lawyer the same day… The universe is indeed a very strange and chaotic place…

1. What are the chances, if any, she will ever want to have a relationship again and are there any success stories out there? Is it even worth even pursuing???

2. Should I maintain any sort of contact (i.e. monthly) just to let her know I’m still out here???

3. How do I deal with the pain which seems much worse than when my ex wife left me…

[nettieboop]

UGH!!!! Going through that kind of pain ONCE is hard enough! So sorry you find yourself in this hell. I can relate. I just wanted to recommend this site, it's really helped me a lot in my healing and grief.

http://depressionfalloutmessageboard.yuku.com/directory#.Uynn9KIVDGx

There's a lot of really great support. Just jump into the 'general discussion' and post your story.

[ffigoni]

Nettieboop,

Thank you very much for the support site. I posted there and I really could use any advice on what to do... I feel absolutely helpless and completely devastated. I have no support group here in Houston and the only friend I have here is her brother and he really doesn't wish to get involved between us. Thus, I have no one.

[kayc]

ffigoni,

I am sorry you've been through so much fallout from grief/loss in your recent years. It is a common response, and few re-find their relationship and make it work although it does happen once in a while. For myself, I am friends with my ex-fiance, it's been nearly four years since the breakup following the death of his mother. It has made it extremely difficult for me to trust again and I choose not to date. Although we are friends and talk on the phone nearly every day and still have feelings for each other, he has not once tried to get me back. That is fine with me at this point. You're asking if you could have a chance with your ex-wife. After a 19 year marriage if the breakup was solely due to grief/loss, I'd say yes, but don't count on it.

I learned the hard way in my life that it's not the wisest thing to go from one relationship to another, but to give yourself time and space in which to heal, learn from what took place, work on yourself, etc. If you and your ex or anyone else could start as friends without any expectations of it heading anywhere in particular, and take it very slow, I think you'd have the best chance of building something worthwhile. But do take it slow and don't make any rash decisions. You've been through a lot. Are you sure you want her back? After all that has taken place? It was just yesterday, so to speak, when you were head over heels in love with someone else. I'd give it time. You don't have to be with anyone, you can learn to do life by yourself, maybe not forever, but for now. It's not so bad, just give it a chance to discover what life on your own is like...I'm not talking months but years. Just something to think about.

You also might consider seeing a counselor, someone objective that can help you put a spin on things.

Perhaps being in a new town isn't such a bad thing, a fresh start. Congratulations on your job and I hope you enjoy it and your new town. Maybe join a gym, start a new hobby or enroll in a class, it will open opportunities for you to get to know new people and perhaps new interests. Good luck to you!

[ffigoni]

KayC,

Thank you for the response. The issue Im having every morning, evening, moment... Is knowing she is in deep pain and I can't help her, which I desperately want to, because I still hold very deep emotions and love for her that were formed in those first five months.

It was like having her die in August of last year and having her replaced by someone else who pretended to be her. Then, in late December it was as if she had decided to not pretend to be someone else anymore and just become that person I didn't even know at all...

What is killing me is how does one do it? How does one change so dramatically like that? I've experienced many traumatic events in my life that have turned my hair gray, but I always maintained who I was, never abandoned anyone in my life, and never took out my frustrations on the person closest to me. Perhaps some people are better at dealing with pain then others???

How do I ever trust anyone again???

[CoCoa]

ffigoni,,

I am so sorry you are going through this, I went through something very similar when someone I started dating lost his mother a few months after we started dating. He shut down on me 3 weeks after she died, we communicated maybe 3 times after that mostly for him to give me my things back. I have not seen or heard from him since August 2013, it is as if he fell off the face of the earth. It took me months to get out of the state of shock I was in. Although we only dated a few months, I was very attached to him and thought he was the love of my life.....I have just started dating again but I doubt I will ever trust another man with my heart again.

BREATHE AND TAKE IT ONE DAY AT A TIME....THIS TOO WILL PASS!

CoCoa

[kayc]

I have not felt able to trust since it happened to me nearly four years ago. The person I was engaged to knew what I'd been through, he went out of his way to earn my trust...and then this. Neither of us has dated anyone since.

I don't know what makes a person change so much or turn their back on the person they love, but I know it happens because look how many posters have written their stories here! It appears to be more common than I ever knew because people have come out of the woodwork to share their stories, all very similar. Jim also cut off contact with me for a few months before resuming as friends. I have no idea why he never tried to get back together with me, perhaps guilt, perhaps feeling unable to trust himself. I never saw this coming, I was completely blindsided by it. Never in my wildest dreams would I have imagined he'd just up and break up with me like that. Just a couple weeks prior to this he told me he saw us spending the rest of our lives together.

I only know that we have to respect their wishes and grant them the space they ask for and if it's meant to be, it will come back to you of its own accord. For now, try to occupy yourself with other interests, keep busy, etc. I know it's hard, just having relocated, but you'd be in that position even if she'd never been in your life. It takes effort to built a life back for yourself and only you can do it. I don't say this without sympathy, I know what you are going through and how it feels.

Try not to bring her up to her brother or he'll pull away too. He's undoubtedly very uncomfortable about what she's done.

As CoCoa said, it will get better with time. I cried continually for months, excepting while I was at work, which fortunately took my mind off things for a while. I'm okay with it now, it takes time to heal.

[ffigoni]

Cocoa and KayC,

Thank you both for your support and words. Although I do know the pain will ease in time, my fear is that I will never commit again to any relationship because I won't be able to trust... I was an optimistic romantic and reveled in poetry and pro's and truly believed in love... Now I doubt I could write a limerick without it becoming dark... I would also like to say Alex was only the third person in my life whom I seriously dated and trusted. My high school sweetheart crushed me and taught me woman can be very cruel. My wife abandoned me and taught me that love at first site and romantic notions of fate are all just childish. And now the love of my life killed my spirit to deeply love for the first time in my life...

Not sure what I can even do to get that one back... If at all.

[kayc]

If this were my first or even second heartbreak, I probably wouldn't have a problem, but I've had my heart broken more times than you can count. All I can say is, give yourself time to heal and so you can be more objective. Go SLOW. Check the person out...how do they handle things? How do they cope under pressure? Have they ever lost someone and if so, how did they handle it? Those are some key issues you can look at before diving in again. If you ever consider reuniting with your ex-wife, I'd recommend getting answers before parting with my heart again...get to the bottom of why it happened...and it might take the use of a counselor with her.

I have not written off the possibility, I just don't count on it or expect it and am certainly not looking for it. I had a really great husband that died nine years ago and he never would have done this to me, not in a million years. Our devotion to each other was amazing and I would not settle for less again, and it was so rare that I doubt I will ever find it again. But one never knows.

[CoCoa]

ffigoni,

I could not agree with KayC more, take your time and heal. You are raw and fragile right now, dating or connecting with anyone should be somewhere down the road for you at this time. I swear I was so messed up after this happened I felt like I could not MOVE. The more I tried to understand it the more it HURT, spend time reading here for support I remember reading KayC's story and many more like hers that gave me peace. I am sure I know more about grief and loss than most people, I really needed to the come to terms with this so I could be somewhat normal again. They are forever changed and so are we, I sought counseling and I remember when I first went to her she was amazed that I was not GRIEVING, she helped me give myself permission to GRIEVE. I felt I had no right to grieve and it I did I was being selfish this man lost his mother...who was I to be hurting. Guess what? We lost someone too and that someone was a person we loved and wanted to spend out lives with...go go ahead and GRIEVE YOUR LOSS. Do what you need to do to feel better in time. I am dating very differently now and believe me it is like being considered for HIGH SECURITY GOVERNMENT JOB, nothing is happening until I check them out thoroughly. We all fear being hurt but when you have been devastated the way we need to beyond careful. I have never felt so weak and crazy in my life, I was broken into the smallest pieces imaginable as you are however from me now 8 months later I got me back changed and stronger forever. This will be you too...Let it happen or another loss will come and you will really break. Please keep reading here PLEASE!

Hugs,

CoCoa

[kayc]

CoCoa, I agree with what you say and your counselor was so right, when we lose our spouse/fiance/BF (sudden breakup over their loss of parent/whomever), WE lost someone too and are grieving, and it hurts like hades! We are all changed/different after loss, we are no longer the same person nor can we be.

After what I went through with my husband John, I looked for all the right things, did background checks, etc. on those I dated, and I found Jim. I was up front with him about my checking him out and he bent over backwards in earning my trust. He was a businessman that had served in the Air Force for eight years, educated, had been married 30 years, he'd divorced her over her cheating. He lived in the same house for many years, he introduced me to his daughters, grandchildren, neighbors, colleagues, took me to his church, etc. He was one of those loyal types you could count on. Yet this is the man that broke my heart, breaking up with me after a year's engagement by Fed Ex when his mom was dying. It's hard to screen them much more than this. The one mistake we made was going into our relationship too fast, but beyond that, I don't know how I could have known...he didn't even know. That's why he doesn't date any more, he doesn't trust himself, he doesn't want to hurt anyone again and how can he know it wouldn't happen again if he lost someone else?

[hyacinth]

Hello ffigoni,

I am sorry to hear that you find yourself in this situation. I am eight months into it and time has done its thing, I am much better than I was two months ago. I still think of my ex every single day, not as much as before, but he crosses my mind multiple times. The hardest part for me was the complete disappearance and total silence. I understood that a relationship was too much to deal with, but him not being able to say a word was the worst part for me. You have to look to yourself now, you will find a new kind of strength. I know that seems impossible to imagine right now.

In terms of trusting again, I am slowly starting to date again. It is difficult and I am extremely cautious. I am trying to just get out there and have some fun. And for fear of sounding negative, there is no way to determine how someone will react in terms of stress, grief etc. Every situation is different and I believe it is impossible to know or find out how someone will handle themselves. It is all a gamble, that is why I am taking it slow.

Read as much as you can here. This site, and Kay specifically, were my lifesavers.

[kayc]

Past history is the best predictor of future actions. Find out about their past.

[kayc]

ffigoni,

How are you doing?

[ffigoni]

KayC,

Im not sleeping much in the past week and every bloody thing I think of involves my ex. Not sure how long that one will last, but thats a bit maddening. Im writing a lot in a journal to keep my thoughts down and writing poetry about it, both negative and positive. Also reading a lot of self help books on rebuilding your life after such an event.

Thanks for all the help KayC, you're a special woman.

[kayc]

Journaling helps a lot...reading too, if you can concentrate. The first several months are the toughest for me, after that it gradually gets better, crying less, sleeping better. In a way I'm glad you're in new surroundings, maybe that'll help, I don't know. I know every time I went to a park or local restaurant or even to church, I thought of my ex as we'd spent our time there together, but it doesn't haunt me any more.

[ffigoni]

Kayc,

Unfortunately, every activity relates to her. Watching TV (which I have now stopped doing), going to the movies, writing my poetry, going on any trip, or simply BBQing on a Sunday... I do know at some point it will get better and I will move on from it, but I fear the after effects on my next relationship. God knows, it will be better as times go by, but as you stated, I doubt I will ever be able to really "get over it."

I just have to make sure it doesn't define me...

[kayc]

I like your last sentence! I do know what you're going through, I've been through that too, and yes, it will get better.

I really think, if you want to have a loving relationship with someone again, the key is going to be how you go into it. Slow it down, keep your eyes open. Do your homework. I've read (and listened to the tapes) Christian Carter's "Dating and Relationships". Also the book by Dr. Harley, "Buyers, Renters, and Freeloaders", it would be of help. It helps you identify people who want the same thing in a relationship as you do. Of course, the grief response can throw a kink in it, but barring that, it really does help. Jim and I could not remain friends today if I did not view him as an authentic and good person. The only way, I can tell, that you can know if the person will throw you overboard if they suffer loss, is by past behavior being the best predictor of future behavior. Have they suffered a prior loss? How did they handle it? How did they respond to the people in their lives at that time? If you find someone who HAS gone through it and emerged well, that's an indication you may be able to trust them in that event. I hope this helps you.

I have not chosen to extend more effort in the pursuit of having someone in my life, but that doesn't have to be your choice. I have not ruled out the possibility, I just do not actively look, and am content being alone, which for me, is a good state. I could write a book with what I've been through in my life, and just having peace is worth quite a lot to me. There was a time I would not have been satisfied being alone. Who knows, perhaps when I'm 80 God will send me a miracle, I have a dear friend that that happened to when she was 82...she's now 90 and he is indeed a godsend. It is different for me because I had that perfect relationship (for me) and lost it through death. Perhaps that is why I can content myself with the memory of what we had.

I do hope that while you work on healing and being at peace being alone, just yourself, you will keep an open mind for your future...one never knows. You are still young, although you may not feel it today.

[ffigoni]

KayC and all...

Its now been a month since my GF cut off all communication to me and I am finding some very strange things happening in my psyche every day which I was wondering if it normal. First, let me qualify that I don't think Im depressed unless I dwell on her memory or go down the self pity road which really goes nowhere... Second, I have resigned myself that she will never be coming back into my life in any way shape or form. With that said, I am experiencing what I could consider panic attacks on the most mundane and innocent things that are triggered by thoughts of my dead future to her and her daughter.

For example, I found a Starbucks coffee card Indi, her daughter, gave me for Christmas of last year. When I went to use it, I almost broke out crying in bloody Starbucks!

I am finding I have to really concentrate VERY hard on not relating things around me to the corpse of what was my relationship to Alex and Indi because the littlest and most innocent thing will take me there. At first, I will smile at the memory it triggers and then an absolute avalanche of pain follows when my mind hits the reality that she's lost and that future is dead and gone...

[MartyT]

My friend, what you describe is not what I would consider a panic attack; rather, it seems to me more like what we call a sudden, temporary upsurge of grief (also known as a STUG, a grief attack or a grief burst).

Grief is extremely powerful and not something you can easily avoid; sometimes it takes an enormous amount of energy just to keep a lid on it, especially in a public place or a work setting where you’re expected to be fully functional and “in control.” The problem is that you cannot always predict or control the timing of these sudden, temporary upsurges of grief, especially when the loss is recent—and your breakup was barely a month ago. Much as you may try to avoid them or ignore them, your various reactions to loss can pop up when you least expect them. They can be triggered by something as simple as a song on the radio, an advertisement in a magazine, or a spoken word or phrase that reminds you of the person you have lost.

I say this to assure you that you're not "going crazy" or losing your grip on things. Have you done any reading on what is normal in grief and loss? It's a good way to better understand and manage your own reactions as you come to terms with this situation. You might find this article to be helpful: Bereavement: Doing the Work of Grief

[kayc]

When we go through a loss or abrupt change, we sometimes encounter triggers that set off grief bursts...I think this is what you are experiencing. You can have physical symptoms with these, feeling like you can't breathe, inner pain, feeling like crying, etc. That's not to be confused with a panic attack. If in doubt, you can check with your doctor, but I've had panic attacks due to GAD, they're different.

You say you've resigned yourself to the fact that she's not coming back, that is good as it is a start in acceptance, but even so, it's hard to adjust. It should lessen with time. If not, you might want to consider a grief counselor, but really, it hasn't been very long since your break up. I cried every night for months following my last break up, and barely held it together for work. I found it helpful to keep busy and spend some time with others. It takes allowing yourself to grieve the losses, and in your case, it's not only the loss of your GF, but her daughter as well.

Reading up on grief helps you understand what is normal, you needn't think you're crazy! Marty's link is a good start.

[ffigoni]

Mary and Kay,

Thank you so much for the support. Its been a very very very tough week for me as these "STUG"s are coming in waves. Once one starts, its hard to put a lid on it until I go someplace and sob for a while. I feel like a complete idiot walking around on the verge of breaking down most of the time this week and I have no idea what on earth caused me to regress to this state. Its a bit like being in a storm in a life boat, not knowing where you're being pushed or if you'll end up on rocks, dashed to pieces...

[MartyT]

There is nothing wrong with "going someplace to sob for a while," my friend. In fact, it can be a very useful tool to help you feel more in control of those STUGs. See, for example, Finding Crying Time in Grief.

Sometimes it takes more energy to keep a lid on those tears than it does just to give in to them and let it all out. Finding a safe, private place to do that, and at a time that works for you and fits with your schedule, is fine (e.g., in the shower, or in a car with the doors and windows shut ~ but NOT while you're driving!)

[kayc]

it's to be expected, and can happen any time. It usually helps to find a place away from others where you can just let it all out.

[feralfae]

Please take good care of yourself, and consider a few sessions with a grief counselor, which I think might help you to understand your own grief situation today, as well as to help you have a better understanding of the situation of the women in both your last relationships, who were having their own grief.

When we cannot let the grief move through us in healthy, healing ways, such as sobbing and talking it through, and admitting what is going on with our emotional roller-coasters, I think the grief begins to come out in unhealthy ways. People get very angry, withdrawn, and lots of other signals that things are not going well inside.

I am very glad you have found this place before your grief began to fester. When our dreams are shattered, and our lives feel as though we live in a great chasm of shadows, without anyone who can "see" us and what is going on, it can upset our days and nights. I am really glad you found this place, and that Marty is giving you tools to help you move through your own grief in healthy and good ways. As your self-awareness returns, and as you understand grief more, you are going to be fine, but please, do give yourself as long as it takes, and that could be a few years or longer.

First, make yourself as healthy as you can. That is your job now. Peace and solace to you, dear ffigoni. Be here with us, and we will help you as much as we can.

Blessings and

*<twinkles>*

feralfae

ps Meditation has saved my sanity. Do you meditate? It might really help.