Relapse

[HAP]

Dear friends,

I'm supposed to be packing things up to ship to Relay tomorrow. Instead...

This morning I woke up--for the third time this week--with my arms wrapped firmly around one of Jane's pillows. This might have made sense to me in the weeks after her death, but it didn't happen then. Instead, three-and-a-half years later my subconscious mind is suddenly trying to suck the last fumes of her scent from her pillow.

Suddenly, I find myself wandering aimlessly around the house like I did in the days just after Jane died. I had begun to find the silences acceptable. Today, I want to blast the stereo at maximum volume the way I did the day after she died. Every hummingbird sighting takes me back to the day that first spring after she died when I found the hummingbird nest and started to run back into the house to tell her.

Part of this, I suspect, comes from my increasing involvement with NET cancer patients. They are facing the same things Jane went through and it brings all those memories screaming back into me. The simple solution is to walk away from doing that but it is something I am called to do. Having taken that step forward, I am more than reluctant to give that progress back. I need to keep moving forward.

And dealing with Relay is looking particularly tough this year. The survivor ceremony has always been difficult for me: I am so jealous of those survivors, so envious of their spouses and families. At the end, they will not go home alone. I will--and there is a deep and abiding sadness in that truth. As chairman the last two years I was too busy to think on those things. This year, I have fewer distractions.

But it's time to take off the bandages. I feel that in my heart as well. It is going to sting a bit--the scabs are stuck to the material in places and the adhesive is stuck to the hair. But the wrappings need to come off before the wound festers. I have to keep moving forward. That was among Jane's last wishes, and that wish needs to be honored.

Other of her wishes, I am not ready to confront yet. I know i am not entirely healed and that the wounds, once they've aired a bit, will need new, if smaller and lighter, dressings. This sucking chest wound has taken 42 months to get to this point in the healing process. It will likely take many more before it is healed enough for me to live what passes for normal life--if it happens at all.

Peace,

Harry

[Queeniemary]

Harry, you give so much of yourself to others, in many ways. I hope you will take care of yourself. That is probably what Jane would have wanted the most. Pull back if needs be, give yourself a little breathing space, and be kind to yourself. You have worked so very hard for NET cancer, and have made such progress, even though you feel it is a drop in the bucket.

Take care my friend, things seem to come for me in cycles....fine one day, in the depths the next, so hopefully tomorrow will be better for you.

QMary

[enna]

Oh Harry, we are finding out that this is what happens as we grieve. It's those waves and roller coasters. One comforting thing about all of this is that we are not doing it alone even though we are so very much alone. Thank goodness for this place of understanding.

[feralfae]

Dear Harry,

Maybe it is the season for longing and more healing. After a very long day yesterday of doing many things, working on the house staining, taking care of many things Doug usually did, and feeling accomplished, even if tired, I fell into bed and listened to Belleruth Naparstek for a while as I fell asleep.

I woke this morning feeling Doug all around me and within me, but with such longing and missing of him that all I could do was curl into a ball and whimper.

These times come to us, times when we have no sense of how to go on, how to live through the stark reality of the emptiness of the space next to us, when a pillow is slight solace, and the longing for Doug or Jane overtake us and leave us weak and empty. I am not sure this will go away for any of us completely, but I think when we are tired and very busy, putting ourselves aside to take care of things out in the world, the feelings build up in us, and we are temporarily pulled back into that place where our hearts are crying out for one touch of love and presence of Doug or Jane, or Bill or Pete or George. We have places in our hearts where they still live, and sometimes, for reasons I do not understand, the sense of longing becomes very much stronger.

This morning, I felt I was sitting in our forest in Alaska, where we would go for picnics, where I visit every time I am there, and the sense of Doug's presence was so very strong that I thought I could reach out and touch him. I could see him there, I could sense us talking, I could feel us sharing our love. My heart opened to the love, and that helped.

Maybe after this next big push, you will be able to take a few days to nurture yourself, give yourself some days of healing time, and refresh your spirit. Taking a break is not giving up, it is simply recognizing that you need to have time to replenish and restore your heart and body, your mind and spirit.

I am taking today off entirely, just resting and letting myself wander, letting my mind wander, and my heart heal from all the breaking that is still healing after almost 27 months. No matter what we do or where we go, when we need time for some compassionate, gentle healing, I think we must honor that and give ourselves the room and time for the healing to happen, sitting with ourselves, journaling, meditating, just being.

You have great courage and commitment that you can use for yourself when you need time, whether hours or days, for your own continuing healing. I hope you can honor that. I think that you can share what is happening with us here says a lot about how in touch with your needs you are.

Please go as gently with yourself as you can these days.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Harry,

You are now taking the time to feel and experience these things whereas you've always been too busy to as much. This is not a regression, but quite the opposite...it is necessary. You may not have intentionally prolonged grief, but it happens as you are so incredibly busy and push on for raising awareness. This journey does not follow an ascribed time table or a certain way, but rather it evolves differently for each of us.

I'm sorry you're feeling the pain so intensely and I understand your feelings about the survivors. I feel that way too when I hear that someone got a heart transplant or other cure when George did not. It's hard to understand why others got a new lease on life and he didn't, esp. since our life had seemingly just begun. All I feel is it was such a waste, such a waste of such a wonderful person who had spent his life learning and bettering himself, just to have it snuffed out. I try to focus on being happy for others with a better outcome rather than resenting their good fortune, after all, I would not wish on them what I have every day of my life...aloneness. For that is what I feel without my George. I know we have them inside of us, but it's not the same as being held in their arms. I know we can still talk to them, but it's not the same as getting an answer back, is it.

[Wifflesnook]

Harry, we watch you doing so much and wonder how you do it. But it takes a toll and I can so empathise with the way you have to look at survivors and wish that were your Jane. I think you know how much you can and should do, and when you should take a break. But knowing and doing are two different things. It's like when we are carers and we know that we have to look after our precious selves in order to have the strength to care for our loved ones. I hope you can get the balance right. You need to in order to preserve your own precious self.

[HAP]

Thank you all. I can't really take much of a break before Saturday afternoon, but I think from there to at least Tuesday I'm going on a bit of a retreat. I have some loose ends that need tied up, but I hear a week of rest coming in the not distant future.

Peace,

Harry

[feralfae]

Harry, if you can hear the week of rest, it is fairly close, and that is good.

I'm glad to hear you are scheduling some R&R for yourself.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

That's good, you could use some rest, some time for yourself.