Tashi

[CrystalMoon]

My beautiful 3 year old Lhasa Apso Tashi got diagnosed with GME (Granulomatous Meningoencephalomyelitis) on 20th September 2013. Its a long story of treatments so this is a very short version, I was back with her every 3 weeks to Leahurst (UK) every 3 weeks for treatment. She was doing really well by end of January this year she was nearly back to "normal", then she started having seizures back in Hospital for 8 days..........when she came out I had to start all over again with her she could not walk and drugs every 4 hours. There was some improvement but not a lot and I was told she had Kidney damage too. The steroids she needed to keep her alive gave her horrible side effects.......all she wanted to do was sleep.........on 16th April in the morning she had another seizure and I knew then I could not her through all this again.......back to Leahurst and I had to have her put to sleep..........

The last hour of her life goes round and round in my head all the time, except when I sleep which is not often, I cant think of anything else.......all I do is cry..........I cant get it to go away, I feel so bad, I should have let her go sooner, I put her through all that medical treatment because I didn;t want to loose her........I miss her so much I cant bear it. Its over ten weeks now and I just feel the same as I did when it happened, I cant bear the pain.

I just want to be with her, my death does not scare me I have no fear of it, I want to be with my beautiful Tash I love her so much I am distraught and just dont know what to do.

The last 7 months of her life I was with her 24/7 I barely left her side, I cant stand the pain any more

[kayc]

I'm so sorry you lost your Tashi that way, and especially that she suffered. I, too, feel terrible that my cat, King George, suffered so much. He lived to be 19 but went downhill the last two years. The last month of his life especially was pure hell. He was misdiagnosed by an animal hospital that was more concerned about money than my cat's well being. When he went for followup to my vet, he told me he had cancer...I'll spare you the details but suffice it to say, this poor cat suffered needlessly the last months of his life. He was so sweet, clear up to the end, trying to stand to greet me, purring at the slightest touch, even when I had to bathe him (he hated water). I miss him so much and it's been eight years since I had him put to sleep.

Have you done anything to memorialize her life? I bought a marker in his memory, where I have him buried in my back yard, and I have pictures up of him. I've had many cats in my lifetime, but he will be remembered as "the family cat", the greeter, and just a great all around cat with no bad habits.

If you are feeling suicidal, I urge you to contact a suicide hot line. Your death will not reverse what has happened, it will only rob you of any new experiences you might have in life. There will be time enough to be with your dog when your journey is complete. I truly believe we'll be joined again in our afterlife. For now your Tashi is well and happy and is fine waiting for that time. They are not alone.

[enna]

My heart goes out to you. I am so very sorry that you no longer have your Tashi. As any animal lover will tell you ~ the absolute last thing in the world we would want is for our beautiful charges to be in pain. We do not really know whether or not they are in pain because they can't tell us. As a loving pet owner we can only do what is in our hearts.

I know that you did what is in your heart to help Tashi. Your ache is still so raw. My story about my beloved Benji is on this thread. I have been without him now for just over five months. He suffered from seizures and his little heart could not go through another one. Multiple seizures took his life and even though I miss him like hell I'll relieved that he is not suffering.

There are many things to read about pet euthanasia and I am sure someone can direct you to them faster than I can.

Something that I carry with me still is that "feelings are just that" and we don't have to hold onto them. Do you have a pet support group where you live? It really does help to talk about your loss. This is a caring place and that is what we do here ~ we listen and give one another support.

Anne

[enna]

I found this site on Marty's web site and thought it would be of interest to you. There are other very good articles on her Grief Healing page.

http://www.griefhealing.com/article-loss-and-the-burden-of-guilt.htm

[MartyT]

My friend, as you can see, you've found your way to a warm and caring group of animal lovers, all of whom understand the pain that you are experiencing now because we've all been there, too.

In addition to the wise suggestions you've been offered, I encourage you to read these articles, as I hope they bring you some measure of understanding and peace:

Pet Loss: Guilt In The Wake Of The Euthanasia Decision

Finding Support for Pet Loss

I found this video to bring me great comfort when my own beloved Beringer left us, and I hope it touches your heart as it did mine: