Just A Little Worn Out

[KATPILOT]

Haven't had much time to read or talk much but I thought I'd vent just a little. My past three years which started when I lost my wife, then my dad, then my wife's mom, then her dad, and all of this time I have been doing the best I could taking care of my step mom. She's a jewel and sweet as can be but with no children of her own and no family that ever comes to visit, I do most with some help from my sister two hour away. I never thought I would be a caregiver and since my step mom is in assisted care close to where I live, I don't really fall into that catagory. I do however see her every other day and pay the bills, go to the doctors, take her to dinner once a week, and watch out for her. Oh and the part I like the best is seeing her face light up as I keep fresh flowers in her home.

As she is 95 with congestive heart failure, it takes more and more all the time. She is in the hospital at the moment and I will be taking her to the next place (not sure if it's home or a therapy center) but It is starting to get to me. Watching her deteriorate saddens me for sure. Of course she has had a good and happy life and lived a long time, but she's been my step mom for thirty plus years and when my dad was dying even though he was not concsious I told him I would watch out for her. Kathy told me once that she worried what would happen to her if I died as she had no children to take care of her in her old age. I just can't let that happen to my step mom. Now I see another end of life coming which I am so bloody sick of.

Please don't feel bad for me because that is NOT what this is about. I just need to vent. And I miss Kathy so very very much right now.

[MartyT]

Oh Stephen. The way you are feeling is completely understandable, and you have every right to vent. This is one place where it is entirely safe to do that.

You may not consider yourself a caregiver, but you certainly are a devoted son to your step mom, and she is blessed to have you in her life.

I promise I won't feel bad for you, but I do hope you know that I am thinking of you ♥

[kayc]

Stephen, it seems to me you ARE her caregiver, maybe not full time, but caregiver nonetheless. It's very exhausting to be in this role. It's also very special. In looking back when I was caregiver to my MIL, it was a very special time that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. I also remember being so tired, so drained, I had to take a day at a time, because I couldn't face beyond that. My children were babies and my MIL was bedridden. We had family, but they were all hours away, and I also hosted them when they came. So in addition to keeping up two homes, being liaison between outside world and Mom, I took care of her personal needs, dealt with Home Health, etc. You sink into bed at midnight, only to get up and do it all over again, day after day. But there were days I remember sitting and just being with her...those moments were precious. Treasure each one of them.

You are indeed a wonderful stepson. She was about my age when she entered your life. How blessed she was the day she met your father...and you!

[enna]

One of the things I like best about this forum is that we can come here and vent, talk, share or just read and know that there are others who will be here to hear us.

Stephen, whether or not you want to consider yourself a caregiver or not ~ I think you are a very CARING person. Take care of yourself.

Anne

[KATPILOT]

Thank you all for the kind words. I feel a little better now. I got some needed sleep and just had to vent the other day. My step mom is arriving by medivac today to enter a rehab facility hopefully to get her back on her feet. Not having to drive to get her took a load off my mind and it had to be this way because she never could have made that trip in a car. Since she will be in a facility just three minutes from my work, I can be there more easily and I know she just wants to be home. One day at a time huh?

Thank you again for the support. It means more to me than you can imagine.

Stephen

[kayc]

Stephen, I'm so glad that's been handled and it's very handy it will be near your job. Yep, one day at a time!

[KATPILOT]

There is a simple little book I pick up now and again when I need a reminder of what I have achieved and what I still must endure on this road through life. This book which helped save me when I first was trying to navigate through my grief was written by a very special person and dedicated to another grief counselor who must have been braver than I could ever be. I never noticed until this morning who the author was. It is Finding Your Way through Grief, Second Edition. I have bought several copies which I forwarded to those who I knew needed it but I still get a lot of help from it myself, especially when I find myself slipping back into dark places. You know I am not a fast learner, I suppose I never was, but what I learn, I learn well. Today, I find myself in a more peaceful place. I look at my step mom and I think, what a smile she has. If I was 95 and could still smile so well, you know, that wouldn't be too bad at all.

[MartyT]

Blessings to you, Stephen, and thank you ♥

[feralfae]

Stephen, your journey is a poignant one, and you are making it with wonderful grace and love. You are an inspiration to us all, it it does not surprise me at all that part of your own inspiration is one we are blessed to have here in our virtual presence. *<Marty>* Thank you, Stephen, for sharing your insights, wisdom, and the steps along the way. Thank you Marty for being here with us.

Yes, may we all have beautiful smiles at 95! I just came from meeting, where we have one gentleman, originally from West Texas. He still speaks quietly with his sorghum-flowing sweet regional drawl, and with a wit as dry as the land out where he was born and reared. He is 93. His wife is 89. He walks the mile to and from meeting most days, unless it is very icy. Ramrod straight and with white hair tamed poorly against the wind, he strides along, smiling at G*d, and since my own Grandmother is gone, who was my living icon, he is one of my living inspirations these days. He reminds me a great deal of my great-grandfather, also a Texas boy. Also a Quaker.

I hope we will all be as loved, as smiling, and as cared for when we are 95 as your step mom is. I can touch the compassionate lovingkindness you are giving from your heart. Your words touch us all. Thank you for sharing with us.

namaste,

fae

[kayc]

Thank you for your post, you optimism is inspiring.

[KATPILOT]

It has been so long since I have visited but wanted to update this thread. My step mom, her name is Wilma by the way is now in a hospice home. My life has been more than a bit hectic naturally and one day I will have time to sit and reflect, grieve, and of course rest. I plan on spending more time here reading but soon enough. My thoughts are still with you all and I wanted to share something my daughter in law posted on my facebook timeline that we all might find some comfort in. I so know the truth in these words.

[enna]

Hi Stephen,

I am sorry to hear that Wilma is now in a hospice home. I hope she is getting all the love and care that you have given her.

What your daughter-in-law posted is perfect. I do believe that those we love are with us.

Continue to take care of yourself and it is always good to see you here with us.

Anne

[MartyT]

Bless your precious heart, dear Stephen. Please let Wilma know that we are holding her close in our hearts and keeping both of you in our prayers ~ and know that you are always, always welcome here with us. ♥

[kayc]

Thank you for sharing that, it is comforting. I'm sorry about your stepmom. When we had to place my mom in a dementia care facility, she went screaming and kicking (not literally, but nearabouts) but when she got there, after the first couple weeks of adjustment, she came out of her shell and seemed really happy to be around people...she'd lived alone for so long. I truly think the first year there, before her dementia progressed so badly, was some of the happiest time of her life. I hope Wilma enjoys her time at the hospice home.

[KATPILOT]

I just wanted to say that my step mom left us Monday night and so it ends. All the things you think you know about grief (and I sure have had some experience in that) means nothing. I find myself going straight to sorrow missing the shock I first felt when my wife died. Since my dad went so soon after, I didn't feel his loss so deeply at that time. This one is fresh. I feel sad for just myself this time since she was almost 96 and going right to the end with a sparkle in her eye and that smile which never faded. Her faith was so strong that heaven was surley waiting for her. I will never be taking her to dinner on Friday nights. I use to joke how we each had a weekly date being both widowed. She never failed to tell me how lucky I was to have had Kathy in my life and how special she was. I never tired of hearing that. My sister and I will be escorting her to Nebraska next week to be with her parents, brother and sister.

So here is a thanks to Wilma for being my mom for the last 33 years. And thank you all for your kind words and support.

Stephen

[feralfae]

Dear Stephen,

Thank you for letting us know. I am so sorry for your loss.

One of the hardest parts of losing a beloved parent or step parent seems to be that a part of our history goes with them. I am happy to know you had such a wonderful and caring step mom for 33 years. You were a truly wonderful son, and I know you were a joy to Wilma's life. I've no doubt that the sparkle that ever left her eye and the smile that never faded were enhanced by your presence in her life.

My sympathy to you, and wishes for a peaceful journey to Nebraska to take Wilma home. You and your sister will have wonderful memories to share, I know.

Kindest Regards,

feralfae

[MartyT]

Oh Stephen, I am so sorry to learn this sad news about Wilma. I know your step-mom was a connection to your precious Kathy, and I can only imagine how you will miss those Friday night dinners with her and those priceless conversations and shared memories. I'm glad that she was so certain that she was headed to Heaven, and I'm sure she knew that Kathy would be there waiting for her with open arms to welcome her home.

Please know that we all send our heartfelt sympathy to you and your family at this sad time ~ and know that we are thinking of you. ♥

[enna]

Stephen,

I am so sorry to hear that Wilma has left this earthly life. What a treasure she has been to you. You have collected some beautiful memories over these years. Please know that I have you in my prayers.

Anne

[kayc]

Stephen,

I am so sorry, I know how it is as I lost my mom in August...you think you're ready (somewhat) and know it needs to happen (in my mom's case) so their suffering can end, but all the same, it hits...it's the finality that's so hard, knowing, as you say, you won't be taking her out to eat anymore. May Wilma rest in peace as she meets her long awaiting reward!

[KATPILOT]

So now I find myself in a place where I am handeling the affairs of a lost life and in a way, I guess I'm an old hat at it having been through Kathy, my Dad, and now Wilma. When I find the tangles of red tape, banks with puzzled faces, and beurocratic "bs", I just smile. It means so little now unlike before. It always works out in the end and so my attitude is different. Kathy tried to teach me not to worry about the small stuff. Perhaps I get it now. It drives home a point. The most important part is the loss. Deal with that first.

I'd like to share an experience with everyone reading this. After a service here in Arizona, my sister and I flew Wilma home to where she wanted to be in the small town where she was born in Nebraska. Our plane was 25 minutes late leaving the gate because as the captain announced, "We have to wait for some cargo and paper work before we push back". Outside my window opened a bagage door and you guessed it, Wilma held up the plane. They placed her directly beneath our seats. Can you think of a more sweet thing amid the sorrow? I'm so glad to have known her for the last thirty years and I will so miss my Friday night date. She never stopped letting me know how lucky I was to have Kathy in my life. I will never forget how lucky I was to have had her in my life as well.

Now as I near Feb 17th Kathy's heaven day, I fear I might crash just a little. But that's okay, we do that don't we?

[MartyT]

The very definition of bittersweet, dear Stephen. And yes, it certainly is okay to crash just a little. We are here to give you a soft place to land . . . ♥

[kayc]

Stephen, yes we do learn as we go. I'm glad you were able to carry out her wishes...I know what you mean about losing your Friday night date because that's how I felt when my Papa Ferrigno died (my FIL)...I used to join him for dinner every Friday night and play Cribbage with him (he usually won) in the assisted living facility. We never do stop missing them, they're part of us.