Loss Of My Husband And My Son's Problems.

[blkkat1234]

My name is Katie and I just lost my husband Bob 04/04/14. This is my story and I desperately need advice. We had been married 19 years and he had many health problems the last 10 years of his life. We sold our home last August because I was not able to take care of it because I worked full-time and my husband stayed at home and wasn't able to help me physically. We moved to a senior community last August and he was in and out of the hospital 4 times until his death. His last stay at Heart Institute was 18 days, where they gave us the dreadful news that they tried everything but he had less than 6 months to live. Hospice needed to come in our apartment that day. I met them and got everything set up and when I returned they had him ready to go home. He couldn't where his shoes because he was so swollen, his belly was distended and he really thought he had 6 months. I had talked to his heart Dr. privately and he had told me if he lasted 7 days, he would be shocked. My sister came to help take him home and we shared about 5 or 6 hours that were pretty memorable with him. He wanted me to go to the store and get his favorite foods because he was on restrictions for 18 days. Before I went, the nurse went over the morphine schedule with us, little did I know, I would get a call that he was coughing up blood. That was the beginning of the dying process for him. When I returned, I was only gone 25 minutes, he couldn't breath! we began giving him morphine to help with his "pain". Set up the oxygen, tried to keep him upright, running my fingers through his hair constantly, trying to calm him. During his suffering, he begged to go to the hospital. I assured him the morphine would peak and he would feel better. It was a long night. He prayed out to God, Father, you said anytime you invoke your name you would come, please help me father! Eventually he went in a deep coma. He was not responding to my voice or commands. My sister and I, about 4 in the morning, were going over the morphine schedule, hoping we weren't giving him too much. And out of no where, in the most clear, joyful words of a boy, he said, "Hi Grandma". I really believe his grandma came to meet him! The next day at 4:45 p.m. he took his last breath. I helped the nurse clean and prepare him. I'm a CNA and work with the elderly, so death in my mind, was not scary to me. I constantly relive those 24 hours, though. Since then, I bought a mobile home near family, I never had time to really grieve. Now I can do nothing but cry. And I have the problem of my son. He is 29. Was diagnosed with ADD in first grade and was medicated but it was always a struggle getting him through school. He did graduate but he quit taking his meds at 18 and he hasn't been working solid for such a long time, I fear he'll never be able to hold a job. He lived with his Dad and us off and on with his dog, so I had to move for fear of getting kicked out of the Senior Community. When Bob was still with me , I told him he had to leave because Bob's health was the priority and we couldn't deal with the stress. He lived in a hotel and continued his horrible lifestyle, smoking spice and dealing. This is where I made my mistake. I was so vulnerable, I told him he could live with me. Its been just horrible. I just realized how long I've been typing. I'm so sorry for burdening everyone with my problems. Please forgive me but I needed to talk to someone because its hard to share with friends and family because I'm so ashamed of him and I don't want them to know. Thank you so much for listening to me!

[feralfae]

Dear Blkkat,

You sound as though you are lost in a storm of grief, loss, confusion, and being overwhelmed. Please sit in a quiet place somewhere for a while, and let your mind slow down.

It sounds as though things are reeling out of control, and that you need to get some professional help. Why not begin with a grief counselor, and perhaps go to some meetings for people with substance-abusing family members? Perhaps you can find a grief support group. You might want to talk with a substance abuse counselor. I don't know what spice is, but if people are dealing in it and smoking it, it may be against the law. You could be leaving yourself vulnerable and exposed to possible law enforcement actions by having your son living with you if he is breaking laws.

Your situation sounds very complex. What really concerns me is that you need time to grieve, find a new balance emotionally, and to heal from the worst of the pain of losing your husband. I am so sorry for your loss, and for all the confusion and changes you have had to endure since that time.

I hope you can find some helpful counselors.

I know others will be posting here to offer their support and caring to you. Please let us know how things are going, and remember that right now, your first priority must be to take care of yourself.

Blessings and peace to your heart, dear blkkat.

feralfae

[enna]

Dear Katie,

I am so very sorry that you have lost your spouse, Bob. What a wonderful caregiver/wife you were as you took such loving care of Bob before he died.

Many of us here have lost a partner/spouse and we do understand the pain that comes with such a significant loss.

You mentioned Hospice. Services may be available to you now as a family member ~ please call them and ask. They will guide you and help you through these early months and help you with any questions you have. Each Hospice is unique and since I don’t know where you live I can’t speak for the one in your area.

I live in the Phoenix area and I did have the help of our Hospice of the Valley Team before my Jim died and after as I took advantage of grief counseling. They were the most caring people I ever worked with during that time.

This is so raw for you right now. Taking care of you is a priority now. You need time to grieve. So much paper work has to be done and having your sister and someone from Hospice can help you with that.

Your journey needs the same loving kindness that you give to those you care for as a CNA.

Do not apologize for writing here. This place is where we come to share our stories with those who do understand. We are not “burdens” to each other rather we are healers.

As for your son living with you ~ only you will know what to do with that situation.

He is 29 and an adult. His bad habits are not healthy nor are they good for you.

My prayer for you is that you are guided to act on this situation as you know you need to. Tough love is tough love.

This is a safe place, Katie, and one that we come to talk and gain some peace in our lives as we grieve for our loved ones.

Sending loving kindness and hugs to you.

Anne

[MartyT]

My dear Katie, I am so sorry to learn of the difficulties you're facing in the wake of your husband's death.

I must say that I cannot agree more with the wise advice you've already been given from our members feralfae and Anne, and I hope you will give it careful consideration. Addiction is complicated. Mothering a dependent adult child who is living with you, smoking synthetic marijuana, dealing in drugs and unable to hold a steady job is complicated. Grief following an extended period of caregiving and a traumatic death is complicated. Is it any wonder that you're feeling overwhelmed and unable to tend to your own mourning?

I strongly encourage you to contact the hospice that served your husband and ask what bereavement services are available to you (at no cost). Ask to talk with the Social Services department. Find out from a social worker there what addiction services are available in your community. Learn what your options are in dealing more effectively with your son and his drug use.

To think that you can manage all of this without some form of in-person, professional support is unrealistic and totally unnecessary. There is help available to you; you just need some guidance in finding it.

Meanwhile, please know that you are more than welcome to be here with all of us, in this safe and caring place. There is no room for shame and secrets here, and we all have our own stories of life and love and loss, as well as our own "crazy" family struggles, and we are a very compassionate bunch.

You also might find some of the links on this page to be helpful: Addiction . See especially What You Need to Know About Drug Addiction Treatment and The Addict's Mom.

[blkkat1234]

I have read all your kind words and I have little time right now to respond properly as I'm getting ready for work and need to keep my mind on my job. Your advice thus far I will consider strongly but I fear if I face my needs I will fall apart and not be able to work and take care of myself. I have so much on my mind I can't decide what to do first. I am overwhelmed and angry, bitter, exausted, sad, disappointed in myself that I must have done something wrong as a mother and wife. Maybe I should have taken over my husbands meds but he insisted on doing them himself. I never thought he was taking them right. I know Ican't go back. I just wish I knew where I went wrong with my son? Why do other friends have such well adjusted kids? Where did I go wrong? Thanks again for your comforting words of advice!

[MartyT]

Katie, dear, I understand your need to keep it together so you can get to work and keep your mind on your job.

I just want to address one of your questions (that so many of us parents ponder), by sharing this article with you:

"Where Did I Go Wrong?" How to Handle Disappointment With Your Adult Child

by Jacqueline McDowell

“I sacrificed for years to make sure my son had the best education possible. Now, he’s out of high school and working at a low level job and says he has no intentions of going to college.”

“My daughter never calls unless she wants something. Even then, she is rude to me!”

“My son is a slob! He doesn’t seem to care at all about how he looks or how his apartment looks. I just don’t get it. I didn’t raise him to be like this.”

It can be very painful to realize that the child you worked so hard to raise is not living up to their potential. Even more heartbreaking is the realization that you may not have a very good relationship with them. Sometimes these issues can make you feel like you’ve failed. As parents, we tend to think that if anything goes wrong with our kids, it’s our fault. Not only do we have the pressure we put on ourselves, we may also have well-meaning family members (and the rest of society) sending us those same blaming messages. But it’s more likely that you did the very best you knew how to do at each juncture in your child’s life. Some things may have been more effective, and some less effective, but you did your best.

Examine Your Own Feelings

I think it’s important to look at your own feelings in a more objective light. Are you feeling frustrated because your child is in a potentially harmful situation, or because the choices he or she made don’t fit in with your goals for their life? Culturally, we tend to value social status over personal fulfillment and happiness. So, if your child opts to go into a career that makes them happy, but does not necessarily provide a good living, we can feel like they are under-achieving. If you’re feeling this way, it might be helpful to take a step back and ask yourself which is better – having a child who is outwardly successful, or one who is inwardly happy? More importantly, whose life is it, anyway?

The reality is, this is now your child’s journey. Whether you approve of their career, their lifestyle, or their choice of life partner, it doesn’t change the fact that they now have the right to make their own choices. Along with that right comes the responsibility of those choices. This is what adulthood is all about. No matter what kind of upbringing a person has had, good or bad, there comes a time when they have to take responsibility for their own lives. This is easy for most of us when we’re looking at another adult who is not related to us, yet it can easily be blurred when that adult happens to be your child.

Have You Stumbled into an Ineffective Parenting Role?

As parents of adult children, we can still fall into some of those less effective roles James Lehman talks about in the Total Transformation. We may find ourselves repeating the same patterns we did when they were children. For example, a parent may fall into the role of a martyr or savior, and constantly step in to help their adult child out of situations they have gotten themselves into. They may feel it necessary to help their child pay their rent, for example, even if that child is wasting their own money on drugs or alcohol. Sometimes, this is at a cost to our own well being. Or parents may find themselves being the Perfectionist. “My daughter could have gone to West Point when she graduated, but instead, she waited a couple years and then went to a local college.” (This was actually what my own mother used to say about me. I’m sure it wasn’t intended to be hurtful — she actually was trying to point out that I was intelligent. I just wasn’t putting it to good use, in her opinion.)

2 Points to Remember:

Aside from recognizing your feelings and acknowledging them, there are two important points to remember. The first is that there are very few black-and-white deadlines in life in regards to the path your child chooses. Every person has milestones in their life, and just as we mark early childhood milestones (the first time our child walks, talks, or uses the potty) we can also mark milestones in adulthood (the first car, first time living on their own, first serious relationship). Just like when your kids were younger, it’s important to realize that not everyone matures at the same rate.

This means that despite the fact that 18 is considered the “legal” age of adulthood, not every person who reaches 18 is truly ready for all the challenges of living independently. This is an individual choice each family needs to make, and there is no right or wrong. The key is recognizing if one of your boundaries is being crossed. In other words, are you helping because you truly want to, or do you feel like you are being taken advantage of? Generally, a good “gut check” can help you determine if a boundary has been crossed. If you feel at peace, you are probably okay. If however, you find you are unsettled, or resenting your child or the situation you are in, it may be time to look at things and make some changes.

The second and probably most important point to remember is that people are continuously growing and changing. Just because you don’t see the fruits of your efforts yet, it doesn’t mean you never will. One of the most inspiring examples to me is the story of James Lehman himself. As a young adult, he was using drugs, stealing, and eventually wound up in jail. Yet, fast forward a few years later, he went to college, got his Master’s degree, and began a life-long career of helping troubled youth and their parents. I’m sure he would say to any disheartened parent, “Game not over!”

6 More Tips for Parents of Adult Children

1. Love the child you have right now and try not to lose hope if they aren’t doing well.
2. Continue to maintain healthy boundaries.
3. Even if your child is an adult, he or she does not have the right to be abusive to you or anyone else.
4. Give them your support and guidance if they ask for it, but try not to force it on them.
5. Continue to help them in appropriate ways if you feel it is healthy and necessary to do so.
6. Give them the same space to follow their journey, just as you want others to do for you.

It is, after all, your child’s life. Your relationship with them will be vastly improved if you are able to let go of your expectations for them while never losing hope in their potential.

About the Author:
Jacqueline McDowell has worked on Legacy Publishing Company’s Parental Support Line since October of 2012. Prior to coming to Legacy, she worked in a diverse range of residential care settings with people impacted by mental illness and/or cognitive and physical disabilities, as well as pregnant and parenting teens. She has a Bachelor’s degree in Social Work from the University of Southern Maine. She is the proud parent of a 27-year-old son, Jeremy.

[kayc]

Katie, you've already received wonderful advice here. I just want to say I am so sorry for the loss of your husband, and I understand the reliving it part. Know that you did your best for him and he is suffering no longer.

Sometimes adult children are the hardest to deal with as we have to administer tough love and sometimes say no to them. It hurts like the dickens, but it's essential to recognize that your needs need to be priority right now. Sometimes letting go and letting God is the hardest step. That doesn't mean you have to be religious or believe in God, but it's more a figure of speech, sometimes we have to let them go and give them over to the powers that be, whatever you know that to be. I have struggled with my own daughter's mental illness. She hasn't been diagnosed with anything that I know of, but she had a breakdown when she was 18 and has not been the same since. My sisters and I got her counseling but after a few months she discontinued it. She is not the same girl that she was as a teenager, she's underachieving and distancing herself from her entire family. But her choices are hers and I have to let her live her life, even though the separation pains me, and I have no control over her decisions or what happens in her life. I can only love her.

[blkkat1234]

I have read everyone's advice and I have done everything concerning my son but nothing works. All we do is fight. I'm into room and he comes in yelling at me, I can't avoid him. Thus last encounter was when I was AAt work he calls me and says he has no way home. He needs $10 to give someone gas to get him home. After 3 calls I gave him $20 because I didn't have change. I told him to give me the 10 tonight. When I get home no 10, he left it in his friends car? Another lie. I told him if I didn't 't have the 10 by Monday he would have to leave. Well that set him off, he started banging the doors. My son over the years has pawned everything of ours he could get his hands on. He's run up my line of credit. Got ahold of my Walmart card and ran it up, twice. Pawned

our jewelry, household items. Wrecked every car he ever had and it was our insurance that suffered. After my husband died in April, I gave him his car because I didn't have the time or patience of running him everywhere! He totaled it in less than a month. I gave him the insurance money of $2500. To get this Honda. 3 months later, no car, no money, no nothing. He screams at me, u wanted me to quit drugs, I did, I have no money, now u won't help me. I have no more money to help. He says he quit but everyte I pass his room, I smell it. I told him I hate him but I meant I hate was he's done to me. Now he throws that in my face to make me feel worse than I already do. I live in my bedroom to avoid him. I've asked him to please not bother me at work but he's says, what am Zi to do, I have no way home. He wAnts my car but I will not let him have it. I just put a block only phone so he can 'to bother me at work. To his credit, he has not stolen one thing from me since my husband died but I am through of him taking advantage of me. It's not the $10, it's the lies and U just don't trust anything he says. He may be telling the truth but I don't trust him anymore. I love him and have tried to help him so much I 'm just can't look at him anymore. He won't leave and I have no one now to make him leave! He said if I leave you'll never here from me again. I feel like I'm losing my mind. Someone here told me to find a quiet place but in my own home, I have nowhere to escape. If he keeps bothering me at work, I could lose my job. I just put a block on my phone. When he finds outI don't know what he'll do. He says, I'm going crazy and he's the way he is because of me. He says I will never let him forget the past but the past is still the present still. I want peace but IF Inever here from him what is worse. I thought if I provided him a place to live at least I would know he was not on the street. But I can't live with him. I lock everything in my car. I carry my keys on me. I fear every time I come home something will be gone. He hasn't 'to taken anything from me in 3 months but I know what he does when he's desperate. He has nothing now, he 'a desperate. I locked my laptop in my car. Now he says he has nothing to do all day! Maybe he 'a right, maybe I am crazy. I hate bothering anyone with my problems, mainly because I don 't want my family to know. They are already see but won't say anything but I can see it in their eyes. My son has been better, for him, but every lie or story, or excuse makes me lose it. I just can't take any falsehoods coming from his mouth. I'm crying as I text. I want to scream, someone help me, him, please...

[enna]

I am hearing you, Katie. I cannot tell you what to do but this is what I would do if he were my son. This is tough love ~ I would call the police and have him removed from my home ~ I would place a restraining order on him ~ his issues have nothing to do with me ~ he is an adult ~ I would let someone in social services know that he needs help ~ I would even go as far as having him placed in a drug treatment program ~

Remember, Katie, this is what I would do ~ only you can make decisions that are good for you.

Please get help for your son. You should never feel like a prisoner in your own home. You deserve peace and a time to grieve for Bob.

Anne

[kayc]

I wonder if you let him suffer the consequences of his own actions when he used your credit card, etc. I would not be a prisoner in my own home. If I had to, I would call the police and have him physically removed, you can't have him banging doors, destroying things, living in fear of him. And if I had further trouble, I'd get a restraining order. You can't let him emotionally manipulate you because that's what he's doing and he well knows it...he's good at it. I, too, am saying what I would do...it is you that has to decide what you will/won't put up with.

Right now you are going through enough just with the death of your husband, you don't need this. I hope for the best for you.

[blkkat1234]

It is so helpful to have a place to unload even though I 'm ashamed I have to do it. Ryan apologized to me and admitted we can't go on like this. He told me, I know u don't truste but I have quit selling it and Ionly smoke it to get through the nausea of weaning off it. He said, no more lies and if I'm sick and have to do a little, I won 't do it in our home. If I can 't do it on my own, I'll get professional help. We are going to get counseling. On my days off I'm going to contact Hospice for my grief counseling. I told him, I have to look out for myself and I will do anything to get my peace back, that includes police, restraining order or whatever it takes! He said, I'll try to do better and he understands. He said, I'm going through with withdrawals and he's hurting too. Thanks to all of u for caring and such good advice. Into work I go! Let go and let God !

[kayc]

I am glad to hear of it for both of your sakes, I just really hope there's follow through, something drug addicts are not good at. It takes an average of seven tries to get off Meth, I don't know what he's on, but it isn't easy even when they want off. He will need help. My George was going through this when he died and I'd laid out some rules for him to follow in order to stay with me and what the consequences would be if he broke the rules. He was in rehab and had been off drugs for three weeks when he had a heart attack and died. I have no doubt he would have made it, for he had already made it through so many hard things in his life, and he had great determination, but I also know it wouldn't have been easy and perhaps God was trying to spare us when He took him home, who knows. I just know he was my world and I miss him.

[feralfae]

My 8.237621 cents (recognizing only most recent inflation) worth of thought.

Perhaps your son could move to live in a halfway house or rehab facility, while you two go to counseling together and separately. The situation sounds very fraught wilt peril. I am concerned for your emotional balance and health, as well as his overall health. There are decent programs available, and I think it might be good for both of you if he were living in a controlled environment while he detoxes. Lighten your burden as well as giving him a lot of support for this process.

Something to think about, perhaps.

Your grief needs to be honored 24/7 right now, and must be given space and peace so that you can begin to heal as you journey through this grieving. You deserve that, and you also owe it to your broken heart. Peace to you.

*<twinkles>*

fae

[blkkat1234]

Thanks to all the advice given burnt son is of age. I have no control. He has to make these decisions. My only hope is prayer and putting all of this in God's hands. I'm overwhelmed, I need to let go and let God!

[kayc]

But you do have some control, he is in your home. You are living in fear, in one room, afraid to venture out for fear of...setting off his wrath? There is a fine line between helping and enabling, it is the hardest thing in the world for us parents to decipher the difference and do what is ultimately best for our adult children...and for ourselves.

[feralfae]

If your son is of age, then he has control of his own life, and you cannot control it even to the extent of where he lives. Except in your own home, where you can control that he is not living there.

What you can control is where you live and how you live, because you are an adult.

One of the first actions one can take if one is under stress and in terrible living conditions is to change the living conditions. That is usually a great way to begin to get rid of at least that much of the stress. Fortunately, since it is your home, you do not need to move. But I would like to strongly suggest that the other adult person needs to move out of your house so that you can restore some peace and safety to your life. It is your life to take care of and make peaceful, after all.

We must first learn to take care of ourselves, then heal ourselves, then begin to fill up again with the goodness of life, and only then can we begin to share, once our own cup is full. I think this is some sort of law of life, actually.

I wish peace for you.

fae

[blkkat1234]

I meant, he has to make the decision to better his life. Ihave contacted Hospice and have set an appointment. Things have been more peaceful around the home in the last few days. He has been helping me and has been talking more with me. I will put myself first this time and am setting boundaries. If he crosses those Boundaries Zi am prepared to have him move. He knows Imean business and will force him to face the consequences that he never did when he was younger. This behavior is not acceptable. I swept things under the rug because my husband was sick and I wanted to keep things peaceful and quiet. He took advantage of that. Now that it was just us he took advantage of my vulnerabie state of mind. I know that and if it continues, the lies, the arguing, I will put a stop to it. He has improved but when things are going smooth, he may return to his old ways. Thank all of u for all your advice and support. I depend on u all because I know u have my best interest at heart!

[kayc]

I am applauding you! I know how hard this decision has been to come to and how hard to enact, and we all are supporting you! Grief is hard enough without extra complications.

[feralfae]

I like the boundaries you are setting out for your son. I know this must be very difficult as you try to grieve, find some grounding through all these shifts and changes in your life, and find peace and comfort in your own home.

I hope things work out well for you, and that both you and your son find peace and healing during this time.

Blessings,

fae