Girlfriend Broke Up With Me As Her Mother Has Cancer.

[Mattyboy]

I’m new here and have read a few posts but wanted to start my own one for my situation. I’ll try and keep it short.

I was with my girlfriend for four and a half years. We worked really well together. We both loved and cared for each other very much and made each other very happy. That’s not to say we didn’t have arguments but we got through them and became stronger. We saw a future together and wanted to marry each other and start a family together. In 2012 she started university and so we had a long distant relationship for a while. We managed it though and still loved each other. I can’t give the relationship justice with my typing of it.

Unfortunately, last year we found out that her mother has stage 3 kidney cancer. This put a lot of stress on the family, naturally. Last summer my ex was running the family: taking her mum to work (as she wasn’t allowed to drive), cooking dinner and doing all the house work. We rarely had any alone time together but we still showed our love.

I also managed to get into university that year (a different one to my ex). However, being dyslexic and having low self-esteem with my intelligence, I demanded all her time to help me through and this caused problems. She had to be there for her family, she had her own university work to do, societies at university, a social life, her job and herself to worry about. Because she couldn’t divide all her attention between everything she thought it was best if we break up. She came to my house when she was visiting her family. The break up took 4 hours and in an attempt to stop her from leaving I kissed her passionately, which she didn’t pull away from, it even kept her at mine for another hour. She said it wasn’t my fault at all; she needs to focus on her family. She said I’m an amazing person and the relationship was the best time of her life.

I’ll admit I made all the rookie mistakes at the start of the break up but I went to counselling for help. It really helped and I started to sort my life out and continue with university. Months went by and I found out her granddad had died and so I sent my condolences in a text. She replied saying if I wanted to go to the funeral, for him not her, then that’s fine. I did go to the funeral and it was really tense between us, like she had put up a wall. I tried to be as happy and confident as I could but I don’t know how well it came through. She said a few things that confused me, like “I must ask, are you seeing anyone?” Why must she ask? Also, when I said if she needs someone to talk I’m there for her and bluntly she replied “I don’t. I need to face this by myself.” When I left she hugged me good bye and thanked me for going. I haven’t heard anything from her since. The break up was nearly nine months ago.

I understand why we broke up and in all honesty it’s forced me to make a change to myself, for the better. My first year at university went really well and so I no longer doubt my intelligence. Counselling has made me see my flaws and I’m working on being a better person. I’ve been socialising a lot more, as I’m normally a very introverted person. I know I have to give her space and she told me that if she wants me back, she’ll let me know but I shouldn’t wait for her. I hate myself for feeling like this because I feel so guilty. What she is going through is horrible but I can’t help but miss her. She said it wasn’t my fault but I just don’t understand why she hasn’t contacted me in any way. Could it be because if she does it will emotionally confuse her, making her want me back even though she needs to put her attention elsewhere? I’m just trying to understand what’s going through her head because this break up has emotionally destroyed me.

Thank you all for reading this.

[kayc]

I'm sorry for the reasons you're here. How long has it been since the grandfather's funeral?

It is hard to understand what is going through her head. If you've read the other threads in this section, you'll see we all did our best both to analyze and understand what happened, what's going on in them, etc...mostly to no avail. Some things we did ascertain though, that is that they are overwhelmed and cannot give consideration to a relationship. Putting pressure on them in any way, even by telling them you miss them, love them, are thinking of them, drives them away. I speak in generalities because there can always be an exception, but for the most part, this seems to be true. It is doubtful that she will come back to you. It seems less than half end up as "friends" and then only if both truly accept the changed terms and don't try to sway the other one to something different.

Your XGF may have felt the burden of feeling responsible for you, helping you with your studies, being responsible for your happiness/feelings, etc., and felt she couldn't take that on in addition to everything else that was demanding her attention. She's set clear boundaries to protect the situation. She may not trust her feelings (fear of caving in emotionally) is why she doesn't seem to want to see/talk to you and seemed distant at the funeral. Of course, a funeral is already a very hard time and she could have been trying her best not to break down as it was.

4 1/2 years is a long time together...it sounds like you got together very young. She may have felt she outgrew the relationship or wanted to explore who she was and what she wanted before being tied down to someone, in addition to the demands on her from family obligations that was the straw that broke the camel's back. She's told you, in essence, to move on, and I don't think there's anything else you can do. I hope you continue to get counseling to help you through this, break ups can be very hard, but all the harder if we don't accept them as that prolongs our healing process.

I'm glad you're socializing, doing well in school. You shouldn't doubt your intelligence, you're very articulate, esp. considering the dyslexia! A company I worked for had some salespeople, and our top salesman (over $1,000,000.00/year) was dyslexic. Dyslexia need not stop anyone from achieving their goals and dreams! We were all more than willing to help him with his paperwork, it was to the company's benefit to have him!

If you reach the place where you can accept her as a friend without wanting/trying for something different, you might let her know, but until then, I hope you can respect her wishes and continue to work on yourself and moving on with your life. Believe me, I know the road there is tough...been there.

[Mattyboy]

Thank you for replying. The funeral was 5 months ago.

We were young when we got together. We got together at the same age as her parents did and as they are still together we thought we could make it last.

I don't doubt my intelligence anymore. I've done really well at my first year of university, all by myself. I'm going to go back to counseling when I start uni again in September.

I'm struggling to be able to type all the thoughts going through my head. I just don't understand how all this happened. After everything we've been through together and everything we were planning.

I'm sorry if you've heard this all a million times.