melina Posted July 20, 2014 Report Share Posted July 20, 2014 Hi everyone, It's been quite a while since I've contributed anything to this site. I've felt I was ready to move on in life and didn't need the assistance of a place such as this, especially since I've been unable to follow up posts and provide any real help and comfort to others here. In short, I'm somewhat socially dysfunctional and don't make friends easily. I wish I did, because it's a lonely path, as I'm sure most of you know. For those who are new, I lost my husband to lung cancer nearly four years ago. It will be four years on August 5th. He had never smoked in his life, but had been exposed to asbestos as a teenager working in the engine room of a ship. Previously I had lost my father to cancer and a brother to suicide. That was tough - but nothing could have prepared me for my husband's death. We had been together for nearly 30 years when he passed, and we have four grown sons who were very close to him. As I said, I thought I was ready to move on in life. I've felt strengthened and changed in a number of ways. I still think about my husband every day, and I miss him terribly, yet I thought I was getting "back to normal". That was - until now. I have four great sons - ages 30, 28, 26 and 23. All of them live in different countries - far away from me. This has been very difficult, but I've tried to accept it and be glad they're living their lives the way they wish. They've all found girlfriends/wives from other countries, meaning they've ended up where their partners' families live. We're still a reasonably close family, but it's tough when everyone is so far away. I am American, but have lived in Europe for the past 34 years, and just expected everyone would stay close to where they grew up. But they didn't. I love my sons and they all chose wonderful, loving partners. I just wish they lived closer. This summer I've visited Canada and now the East Coast of the U.S. - spending time with two of my sons and daughters-in-law. Now here in Maine, I've just been told my oldest son and his wife are expecting their first baby. My first grandchild!! I have mixed emotions - both thrilled to be a grandmother for the first time - and devastated that they are living in the other side of the world where I won't be able to see this child grow up - at least not on a regular basis. And most of all, my husband is not here to be a grandfather and to be by my side during this journey. I don't have my best friend to talk to, my son won't have his father around for advice, and my grandchild will never know this grandfather. All this has sent me into new wave of surprisingly intense grief and it's just so hard. I feel fortunate to have what I have, but so unlucky to have lost someone who means so much to me and to my sons, and also unlucky to have to deal with "losing" my four children to other countries. We went to visit my daughter-in-law's parents who live nearby, and they're over the moon with happiness. They are a couple who clearly love each other and who have been together for 34 years - just as long as my husband and I would have had. They don't seem to have a care in the world. I'm so tired of having to deal with new grief all the time - and this milestone just brought all the pain rushing back at a time when I should be happy and excited. Why can't life ever be easy? I just wanted to put this out there and see if anyone understands or can relate. Thanks, Melina Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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