Relationship Is Ending After The Loss Of 2 Boys

[kayc]

I have never found any answer to "why", I found it a useless question...to me, I don't find "reasons" for everything like everything is orchestrated by someone or fate...I have found that the things we were not responsible for through our choices were really rather random and it often seems luck of the draw. I'm nearly 62 and alone, my husband died at 51, I lost my job three times since, I decided to retire early since no one seemed to want to hire me in spite of 45 years excellent experience. I see friends on FB going on cruises, still have their husbands, good jobs or great retirement. They have children and grandchildren around them. I could easily ask "why" to this discrepancy...why do some have it made and others are cut out for struggle and loneliness. But really, it could just has easily been them as me, it just is what it is. There are no answers, at least none that I have found. Life, to me, seems like a card game...we get the hands we're dealt and can only play them as best as we can with what we're dealt. We can make good decisions or bad decisions, but a certain amount seems up to the luck of the draw. If I felt someone was doling out this unfairness, I think I'd have a hard time with that.

Instead of "why" I've learned to ask myself "what now" as really it is all about my response to the situation.

I do know one thing, there have been silver linings in the clouds of this grief journey. Not that I'd ask for this or wish it, I wouldn't. But being as I'm going through it, at least there's that (silver linings). It kind of lends purpose to something that seems it shouldn't have happened.

[Texyman]

Mary, Marty and Kay, Thank you for many advices. I am happy to find this site so that I learn many people has same kind of experience like I am facing now. I am encouraged to finish my role as boyfriend of her although I anticipate that our relation will be broken up like the title of this thread.

So, there are no news in the last few days. my dark days is still continued and she is still silent to me. I just keep the door open by sending very short message to her from time to time. It is painful, heartache days. but I feel I am not alone. That helps me a lot.

[kayc]

That is all you can do...just make sure you don't talk relationship talk, that will be viewed as pressure and she will break off for sure. Keep it light, let it be about HER, almost anything you say can be construed as pressure to her while she's in this state.

Make sure to take care of YOU. Consider a grief counselor. Do they have them where you are? I know in some cultures they aren't so prevalent.

[Texyman]

Key, yes, I will and I feel It is time to take it. There are doctors but I do not know are they good doctor or not. anyway lets try.

Yes, I will keep it right but I have a big question in mind right now. which is what should I do for her birthday? it is coming soon.

[kayc]

I would send her a birthday card and tell her you are thinking of her. Of course this is not going to be a good birthday for her, how can it be? But to ignore it would send the wrong message too. I'd keep it simple but definitely recognize it.

[Texyman]

Kay, Thanks, I will follow your advice. I was thinking to send pancake or small gift but I will not do. only card.

[kayc]

I don't think it'd hurt to send her a gift, but simple, not extravagant, maybe something that would have meaning for her. I'd avoid jewelry or expensive items that might be construed as requiring a response from her.

[Texyman]

Thanks Kay. I sent small gift to her with card.of course not jewelry.

Here is short update.

I never get use to spend such Dark days. It is heartache and painful.

I want to escape from that if I can.

Her mother informed me that there will be farewell ceremony for her sons but I felt I am not invited for that. So I will not participate, am I right ?

I only feel time is running and I am eventually dropping out from her life.

But I still want to finish my role as boyfriend.

[kayc]

Her mom told you about it...honestly, I think I would go, unless it's just private family attending. Maybe you could ask her mom what she thinks?

So much is going on here...my town is on fire, I'm trying to think where I'd go with my huge dog and two cats (one of which is terrified of dogs)...all while I'm trying to write obituary for my mom. This is crazy, I feel like my life is crazy right now. I can't breathe with the smoke, it's wreaking havoc with my allergies and asthma.

I saw in the news that some of the bodies were returned...did she get her boys' bodies back? It all seems like a nightmare. I wonder sometimes if the whole world has gone nuts. So many people I know are in pain...

[Texyman]

I'm so sorry to hear that wildfire and forest fire occurred in Oregon and air quality is unclear range.

I hope you are in safe area and there will be no damage in you house.

Yes, I will ask her Mom after the ceremony.

[kayc]

We are not out of the woods with the fire, so to speak. Air quality is purple which means very unhealthy. Fire is dangerously close to our town, within a mile. Evacuations have started. I have learned from past fires that they can hop, skip, and jump in no time at all. This is not contained, it is out of control. Taking one day at a time.

Let me know what her mom says, good luck!

[Texyman]

Kay, I do hope fire does not come to your area and you can be evacuated from the fire and purple air safely if needed.

Why do you think mom is best person to be asked by me and what is best approach to her ? Meant should I tell her my thought or simply ask her how my girl friend think of me ?

[kayc]

No, that wasn't what I meant. Her mom told you about the service, so I thought it natural to ask her if you should attend, that's all.

[Texyman]

Kay, It is a reality..I asked her mom.

I mean on behalf of my girlfriend, her mom ask me to be a prayer..they do not like me to participate the ceremony. She kindly advices me to wait until she can see the rest of world...but..

But Thanks Kay. Knowing reality breaks heart..indeed I am a bit sad since our relation continued one and half years and part of her family and me are known each other.. but I feel it is still better than guessing and worrying.

[kayc]

It means you can start adjusting now which means the healing can begin. I know it hurts. I don't understand it any more than you do but you know where you stand with her. Time now to look after YOU. You've been a good BF and you've stood by her...now do what is right for you.

[Texyman]

Kay, what is the situation of forest fire in Oregon ? Thanks for your reply and I believe it means at least you are in safe area and I hope you stay in your house and air pollution level are not purple anymore..

What I lesson and learned is that people like me fear to face facts and hesitating to ask straight question. In my case you've supported me and you pushed my back and then I know the reality.

It harts me a lot. but I believe this process is needed at least meaningful for me. Yes, I feel I’m move into different phase.

I do not know what is right for me. I still want to finish my role as (ex)boyfriend although feeling is eventually changing.

[kayc]

It drizzled a bit yesterday/last night and although not much, it helped some. Fire is about 50% contained. Evacuation notice from II to I. I will feel better when it is lifted and the fire is contained, although I know it will burn for a long time yet.

I know I told you like it was and I know that's not comfortable, I could have given you false hope but in the end that is not what would help you. I would have to say judging from the stories here, there's about 1% chance of getting the relationship back and making it, every one is different but there's enough commonalities to learn something through it. Learning that it is THEM and not us, helps a bit, but not a whole lot overall as the end result is the same.

I do pray for your recovery, I know it takes time and effort. Try to plan something fun for YOU to look forward to, something you've always wanted to do, maybe a trip?

[Texyman]

Here is short update.

I still have full spirit to finish my role.

Birthday card and small present arrived at her house last weekend and both my girl friend and her mother texted me.

It is short word but it is enough for me.

Some day, she starts to see rest of the world and start to think her own future.

I wish I can be in touch with her until she tell me her new future. it does not matter if I am in her world or not.

but It cannot be controlled by both of us. That is pity.

[kayc]

Well at least you received an acknowledgement, and it left the doors open should she want further communication.

[Texyman]

Thanks Kay, I have full spirit to finish my role because I want to keep relation with her as good memory.

I will just keep following your advice. I will not try to throw 100 yard touch down pass. NO...

[kayc]

This is the tough stage, hang in there.

[Texyman]

Short update again.

Her mother informed me of the farewell service and condolence card was in my mailbox.

I did not attend but I sent wreath with letter to the family. It was acknowledged and she sent me some photo.

That was good.

But I feel there was no extra capacity in herself to think of me and it could not be end.

I feel day by day I am dropping out from her life.

It seems she does not feel anything. Her heart and brain are full with her boys.

Kay, yes, it is tough stage but I will not drop out by myself, I will finish all stages as her (ex) boyfriend.

I will keep some distance with her so that there are enough time , space and privacy for her. right ?

Cheers.

[kayc]

This is how it is with grief. It will take a very, very long time for her to adjust, if ever, and life for her will never be the same again. I am so sorry for all of you.

[Texyman]

Kay, it is.... She replays to me only the case my text message is about her sons.

In these days, this is only the way to communicate with her. If I talk about her, she never reply.

But now my dark days seems to be end , at least we start to communicate again.

That is good for me. I hate dark days. It was too painful for me.

I do not know what we will be... maybe we will be friend like you and Jim. that maybe I have to accept.

Anyway, I will not challenge 80 yard touch down pass, now I only select running attack and complete 3rd and 3 or 4.

If failed, jut punt and trust my defense team.

[kayc]

I always liked to feel in control of my life. I've had to learn that I'm not always. I've had to accept what is. It's a good lesson, because then it releases you to enjoy what there is instead of focusing on what isn't.