Texyman Posted November 20, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 20, 2014 Kay, it is... it will be very long journey and I do not know if there is the terminal. And be friends could be best option so that she does not feel any guilts when she contact me or response to me. I feel now that communicating even as friend is more important than keeping love relationship without communicating... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 20, 2014 Report Share Posted November 20, 2014 Caring about someone else's own good is the highest love one can have, I can't agree more. Right now she is bereft and has nothing to give anyone, it's all she can do to make it through another day. I'm almost certain she will be your friend in the end. I know grief changes things and it doesn't get back to where it once was, but if you can come out of it as friends, to me, that is a success story. I'm glad Jim and I ended up as friends. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted November 21, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 21, 2014 Till few weeks ago, I felt I was controlled by brain and heart but now, I feel third one. It's body. And I feel fight between brain/heart and body in myself. And body almost defeats the others. I mean body accept to be friend with her although others do not accept. Because it's so heart breaking and so painful that body eventually react to get rid of those pain to protect myself. Kay, you are right. I also think she has nothing to give me now and she still feels guilt to contact me. It will last very longtime. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted November 24, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 24, 2014 Now I understood why my girl friend and her Mom was silent in the last few weeks. Day before yesterday my girlfriend informed me that her dad is now in critical condition and she must fly to the place where he stayed with her brother. She just told me that she does not know anymore. I replayed to her and sent text to her mother. I also do not know anymore and only thing I can do is praying for his fast recovery. I can only image how hard it is for her that she must leave the place where her boys are rest and face another sadness.... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted November 25, 2014 Report Share Posted November 25, 2014 I can't imagine. I think of her every time I hear something new in the news, I can't imagine how it stirs it up and how hard it is. Accidents don't leave you any time to adjust, they just bomb the heck out of you. My husband died of a heart attack, barely 51, the picture of health, and I remember how it shocked me to the core, that must be how your girl friend feels. And now this. I will keep praying for her. You have been wonderful to her, I hope it comes back to you ten thousand fold. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted November 26, 2014 Author Report Share Posted November 26, 2014 Yes, I mean I can only imagine but cannot understand. She already informed me last year that he has serious illness but why in this moment it become critical situation ? I feel I'm numb with another sadness and I send very short text to her and I believe that is the best in this moment. Kay I'm so sorry your husband passed away in such young age but thank you for sharing what you felt at that moment. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted January 17, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 Here is some updates. We sent Christmas card each other and celebrated new year. And she said she appreciates my support and sometimes she says she loves me. Sometimes I received text from her mom and son. But problem is that they can hardly understand that I'm also so grief and my heart has been painful for the last half year. She told me that she will visit me in coming summer season with his son but I feel daily communication with her is totally changed comparing with before the tragedy. She does not reply my text so often and sometimes we do not talk and text for a month. I do not know how long this situation will last. May be forever. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 17, 2015 Report Share Posted January 17, 2015 It's been 4 1/2 years for me. We talk most days, but seldom see each other. He says things that'd seem confusing to me if I paid much heed to them...indicating he still has feelings for me, that's it's possible that we could...he never solidifies it. As if we could pick right up where we left off?! I am not the same any more, I do not feel the same. I care about him as a friend. I'm still attracted, as if that matters. But it's not the same. How could it be, after he broke my heart without concern for what it did to me? I found out back then that I could not rely on him through thick and thin, that he was not committed to me the way I had been to him, That changes things. Could it be that you will be feeling this way with time? Shouldn't people be facing adversity together instead of breaking up and dangling carrots in front of your nose? I wish the best for you. I hope you find it. You deserve it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted January 18, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 18, 2015 Thank you Kay for sharing your experience with me. In my case, she ignores my contact and her mother and son contact me as if they are on behalf of her. I do not understand why she ignore my contact and sometimes say I love you. Is it just part of grieving process? If so, what should I do for her.. I completely agree with you on that we should not just avoid facing adversity together instead of breaking up. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 19, 2015 Report Share Posted January 19, 2015 I'd say she's confused. There's not much you can do, you see how she is now. Continue to put your own well being ahead of anyone and focus on your present life. What you have or do not have with her will play itself out. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted January 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 Kay, I can only imagine that even though half year has been past since then, time cannot reduce her sadness. But what do you mean she is confused? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 20, 2015 Report Share Posted January 20, 2015 She has given you mixed emotions, that she still feels love and that it is over...I think she feels both and is confused perhaps by her own feelings. I know that is true for my ex as well, he still loves/cares for me, but it's not as it was and don't think it ever can be. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted January 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 I understand what you mean and I also feel such double mind to her. And I feel this situation will continue and could be forever. Her mother told me that do not dare to think of her boys, that literally breaks her heart. She never said like that till yesterday. I feel their feeling is changed. Kay, time is flying and it seems my role as boy friend will be end soon. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 22, 2015 Report Share Posted January 22, 2015 I hope someday you can at least be friends, if you wish that. I am glad for Jim's friendship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted January 24, 2015 Author Report Share Posted January 24, 2015 Kay, no, I only wish her best future and if I'm not right person to support her rest of life as man not as friend,I will like to let her go and pray for her best from afar. I cannot change relation from man and woman to just friend and as soon as my role as boyfriend is finished, I want to quit from her. I believe that is best for her and her new partner. Of course that would be big pain for me. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted January 25, 2015 Report Share Posted January 25, 2015 I understand. Very few can go from relationship to friendship and truly do well in it, and it's good to be honest with yourself and her. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted February 7, 2015 Author Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 I can not lead our relation anymore.I think it is up to her. i just thought if i keep her as girlfriend or just friend what ever, it may close her door to other opportunities. She is still almost silent to me even though she tells me that she loves me from time to time. I feel that she really misses her boys much more than half years ago. i should learn more how people who lost kids feel and grief after half year, even years after.. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted February 7, 2015 Report Share Posted February 7, 2015 We have some on our site who have lost their children, it is very, very hard. Not everyone responds the same. Not everyone breaks up. I can't explain why some break up, I just know it's a common grief response. I've learned not to wait for answers, but just accept what is, we can't always understand someone else's feelings or response no matter how much we want to because we aren't them. I have been through grief, much grief, yet I never pushed aside anyone because of it, but that doesn't mean others who do are "wrong" or "bad" for doing so, we all cope different, I guess each person must do what seems best for them in the moment. I am just sorry for the pain and devastation it spreads, because it does. You are not responsible to keep the relationship alive, you cannot continue to do so all by yourself. If it is to continue in any form, she would have to want that and make effort, you've already learned that waiting by the sidelines doesn't restore it. You are just there for her should she need it. But it is up to you how long you do that. We are human, it is hard to do that indefinitely, especially when we aren't given any hope by the other. Perhaps reading in Loss of Child section would be of help to you to get another's perspective, one who has experienced it? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted March 20, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 Last week end, finally we met again. 8 month has been past already since the tragedy. I met with her son and some friends as well. But I did not want to be alone by two of us and I did not stay until mid night. I felt we cannot be back to old days but we need new relation. I am sure she needs my support and love but not the same. 8 months is not long but it was too long if only thing you can do is waiting but I believed it worth doing and some persons in this forum advised me to do so and I did so. Meanwhile my father past away, it was begining of last month and it still hurts me a lot But I learned something from the experience. Now, my girl friend and me support each other. I hope it will not be ended. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 20, 2015 Report Share Posted March 20, 2015 My ex-fiance (Jim) and I have developed a wonderful friendship that is only bolstered by our previous relationship, having gotten to know each other so well, more than most friends do. We talk nearly every day on the phone (we're some distance away) and see each other a couple of times a year. I've accepted the change in relationship and it's working well. It's not for everyone, it requires honesty with yourself, not hoping for "something more", acceptance, forgiveness, and appreciation for what is. I wish you both well as you enter in to this new phase of your relationship. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Texyman Posted March 22, 2015 Author Report Share Posted March 22, 2015 Kay, It sounds good that Jim still contacts you almost every day. We also have some distance but we do not communicate by phone so often. I again realized each person has each pace. When we met, I did not bring any jewelry to her only flower and sweets and tried not to say about love relation. But she gave me nice watch and show her love to me but after that there have not been any contacts from her though I left voice messages. Situation is still not easy for me... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
kayc Posted March 23, 2015 Report Share Posted March 23, 2015 I'm sorry, perhaps someday. Some people thought I was nuts for being friends with him after he broke off our engagement so abruptly, but I see value in him, even as a friend, and I understood that there were special circumstances behind it. He really doesn't have a mean bone in his body. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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