My Girlfriend's Sister Died

[kayc]

The time frame is good then, and like you say, time will let you know if she's sincere or not. Good luck with school and work, it will keep you busy and I hope you're able to focus well.

[Mike98]

I'm sure it will help for the coming weeks. Today was hard for me as I began to have doubts I could last so long without contacting her, thinking to myself that I should make my intentions clearer. However, I soon looked back to what I said here and realised it's only for the best as continuing to hold onto her only detaches me from the reality of the situation. I'm also aware that if I did contact her today and engage in small talk about TV etc. she would most likely respond well, it's only when my questions that enforce pressure on her come along that her defences come up...something I was aware of but felt compelled to ask after what her friend had said before. Would you think the fact she didn't apologise for her friend's actions means anything? Or is her detachment to everything most likely the reason?

Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'll have more days like this to come but I'll stay strong and remind myself that my own well being does come first.

[kayc]

People only owe apologies for their own actions, not those of others. But she has made herself clear to you and it probably only serves to annoy her that you want her because to her that is a demand/pressure that she can't handle right now and very well may never come back to.

Do what is best for yourself and let the healing begin by right focus.

[Mike98]

Yeah, I understand that now. I really do hope her reasoning remains sincere and there is no deception on her part, however, I feel either way I'll be the bigger person by the time two months have passed and still give her my message of consideration. Whether I feel I've moved on or not I'll still care for her and the terrible situation she is in. Maybe she'll surprise me, or maybe she'll still respond in an emotionally removed way...hopefully by then I'm ready for either response.

[kayc]

It may take more than two months to be there but you'll get there.

[Mike98]

I know it's ages away, but would "Thinking of you and your mum today" be too blunt on her sister's birthday? Saying something more like happy birthday to her would feel inappropriate.

[kayc]

Definitely...it's not too blunt, it usually helps when people mention or allude to their loss, it's not like they forget it for even one day, and you know they'll be thinking of her on her birthday. My mom always said it helped her that I would bring up daddy on his birthday or death day...she said everyone else avoided it like he'd never existed. I know I welcome anyone remembering my husband particularly on those days.

[Mike98]

Thank you for the reassurance there. I'm pretty sure she'll saying thanks to that so do you think after that I should leave it there again and leave it for her to contact me again? Or just do what I feels best at the time? I'm not sure engaging in a full blown conversation on that day would be wise...

[kayc]

I would remain in the background and leave it for her to find, but you'll know what feels right at the time. I agree, to try and engage in a conversation with them could be seen as invasive...it was different for me and my mom because I'm family. I think the point is more to let her know she's not forgotten. If she wants to talk to you, she can contact you.

[Mike98]

Yeah, at the time I'll obviously know where she stands on honouring her reasons for breaking up and also if her response is especially welcoming that would change things as opposed to her not being. Maybe I'll feel there being no harm in messaging her a week later or something closer to that time frame, finding out for myself further how she is in regards to things if I feel that's right.

As to waiting for her to message me after, I don't see her doing so as even in our relationship when all was fine I was expected to message her first all the time - she has the mentality of the male being the one to make the moves, even if she did really want to talk to them.

[Mike98]

So it's been a month since I last spoke to her and I feel that I've moved on. Right now I have no intention of contacting her ever again and have abandoned the idea of doing so on her sister's birthday - mostly due to the fact that she is now with the other guy, so, all my suspicions were true of her and she had held the truth from me and not really considered me at all. I still think about it but I find I'm no longer checking up on her activity regularly like before and don't wish to even get back with her or be friends or anything to that degree considering what has unfolded. Overall, though, I'm looking forward and believe that if she was capable of such thoughtless actions regardless of her grief - used as a mere excuse - then I'm better off. Updating here really helped in the initial month afterwards and I'm grateful for the responses! Thanks.

[kayc]

I'm glad you're able to move on, it sounds like that's best. Her seeing someone else...she may not have used grief as an excuse, although I can see how you'd view it that way, but it could be that you're a reminder of that time and it was easier for her to start fresh with someone else, I've seen it happen before. But regardless of what was going on inside of her, you are doing what is best for you and that is what you need right now. You are right that you are most likely better off under the circumstances. Good luck to you!