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Feeling Ugly

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Hello all, I am really struggling with loss. I have lost so much in such a short time. First my Dad, then my Mom, to cancer, and I got a special front row seat to watch that. Next my brother, who I adored. I got to find him on the family farm, an accident, gone. It has been about fifteen years of terror. Now I am alone, my little family gone. Oh I have a great husband but he does not see, he hurts himself, we were all very close. He lost his Dad in there at the same time. It has just been horrific. I just want to quit. I hurt so bad, I am so angry, feel so cheated. It is eating me alive. I try real hard everyday to do something, anything positive. I am a good person, I put on a smile and stiffen my jaw and go out there and put one foot in front of the other everyday. But you know I am getting tired of that. I am angry that I have 8 other siblings that have absolutely no clue the meaning of family. So why did I have to lose the only ones who did know, who did understand that it is the only thing really? I have just about completed my dear brother's estate and it has been unimaginable to me. I could have never guessed in a million years how horrible not just people, but my people could be. And...they are all I have left??? No wonder I want to give up. I am frustrated at myself too, I have been through so much, so very much, seen so many things one should not have to see, and treated the way no-one should be treated. By family! I can't tell you how difficult it is to admit that, to write it, but I have to as to keep it secret is just killing me. So am I supposed to just shake my head and walk away or keep trying with such a group of losers? And what about the rest of my life without my brother, my dear friend. We were both there in the trenches of cancer to support, love and care for our folks during their time of need, we were there for each other after they left us here on this earth alone. We still had each other, but now what? Oh my, what a pickle, why do I feel so yucckky! How do I make it go away. How do I get back to who I once was, a interested, bright, helpful, content human being? thanks for listening.

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My friend, I'm so sorry that you're caught up in so many ugly family issues, as I'm sure it only adds to the sorrow and pain you're already feeling at the loss of your parents and your brother. It sounds as if these issues with your siblings are weighing heavily upon your shoulders, but I doubt very much if there is anything you can do to change their behavior toward you. The only person whose behavior you can control is your own. I'm afraid the only way you can unburden yourself is to find someone you can talk to ~ a trusted relative, friend, neighbor, clergy person or grief counselor ~ someone you can trust, who will keep your confidence, and who will listen without judgment. Doing this will help you to sort out your own thoughts and feelings, offer you some practical suggestions for dealing with your siblings, and help to bring you some peace. You are most welcome to share the details of your story here, of course, but sometimes it helps to talk with someone in person, too. I hope you will give it some serious consideration.

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Dear Misshim,

Perhaps I may be uniquely qualified to respond to your post, since I have lost my husband, beloved mother-in-law, two dear friends, and had some serious spine surgery all within one year. At the same time, there were a series of robberies by my husband's family, slander, and other terrible and ugly things. It has been an incredibly traumatic time.

Please find a good counselor as soon as you can. Someone you can trust, who will keep your secrets, and also give you the compassion and healing mercy that you need. Find someone who can help you with the trauma, and help you to find ways to release these traumas from your heart and body. It has been almost 30 months since my husband left, and I still struggle with the after shocks of all the traumas. I still burst into tears at the oddest times, but not nearly as much as I did the first year. You must get help. Otherwise, you will keep trying to carry all of the ugliness and pain, the betrayals and trauma, and it will make you sick.

You may need to get help with releasing the traumas from your body tissues, and while there are some wonderful CDs available on the internet, I think that you need a person-to-person relationship which is entirely trusting to talk with someone.

I think it is safe to share here around this fire, but you may not feel able to be that open. There are still things I have not shared here, and I have certainly shared a lot.

I am so very sorry that anything has happened to you of this nature. The terror, fear, shock, sense of betrayal, all of the feelings that surface when we have been awakened to the horrible aspects of a family are profound. I have my husband's entire family on notice to leave me alone, and finally "went public" only after they publicly attacked me. I was most blessed to have a wonderful, honest fellow who was my husband's executor. But the thefts and lies, the intimidation and attacks were a total shock to me.

You may need to take a time out from the family while you get counseling and emotional support. It takes a while to accept and understand that there are evil deeds being done around us. We hate to see people in a bad light, and admit that such things are going on. But they do sometimes, and no matter what their nature, you need to find help to heal.

I am not a professional counselor or anything like that, so please, Marty or Mary, if anything I have suggested needs to be corrected, please do so. I don't want to lead anyone astray, but misshim's post resonated with me.

Blessings to you, miss him, and I hope you can find the best and healthiest way to heal soon.

Take care of you. Go gently with yourself.


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It is up to if you want to keep trying or not, but perhaps as fae suggests, you can take a break from it and just take care of yourself. Sometimes we need that. And it's okay to voice yourself and express how you feel, just try to take time to think before speaking so you can give the message you want to.

I am sorry for your loss, I can understand what a deep loss it was to lose your brother after having already lost your parents.

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