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Thank You Marty


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December is hard. The first half I was quiite "successful" at ignoring that the holidays are coming ... Now the first Christmas card came - it says "May all your wishes come true" ... I don't know how to respond to that or how to respond to "Happy New Year" ... I had one wish, that he gets well. He didn't. He died. I don't have any wishes now. Nothing else matters anymore ... How different it all was a year ago. When I still had faith. When I still believed he would be alright. When I still had so much hope - and felt alive ... Next year it will be the first whole year without him. Nothing to look forward to.

In fact I wanted to write something else ... I wanted to say how much I appreciate this forum. I am really grateful for it. It helps me feel normal, even now when everybody seem to be celebrating, and I can't ... Thank you, to all of you who write here. Thank you Walt, Kay, ustwo, Dusky and others. Thank you Nikki, you are a true friend. And thank you Marty - for this forum. Words can't say how much it has helped me and how much it means to me.

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"... I had one wish, that he gets well. He didn't. He died. I don't have any wishes now. Nothing else matters anymore ... How different it all was a year ago. When I still had faith. When I still believed he would be alright. When I still had so much hope - and felt alive ..."

I couldn't have put it any better. The rest of the world wants us to get over it and enjoy the holidays! This seems to be more for their sake than ours. They don't want us to bring them down. I am truly sorry for your loss. And yes, I do know how you feel.

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Spela,

Your support and messages on this site have given me great comfort as well - This is such a wonderful place for us all to share this "passage of pain".

Please take care of yourself this hoilday season.

John - Dusky is my handle on here

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Oh Spela,

You voice my sentiments...I didn't want to do Christmas, I didn't want a tree, I just wanted to ignore the whole thing and hope it'd go away, it seemed too unbearable. But my son drove out and got a tree and my daughter put it up and decorated it and the house and baked a million cookies. Friends dropped by and wanted me to make cards with them. I didn't shop, I kept it very low key. And when I saw the decorations that held so much memories for George and me, it was hard, really hard, I cried as if he'd just died. I cry on the way home from work. I cry into my pillow. Everyone thinks I'm doing wonderful, they don't see...there is a George-shaped spot in my heart that is empty and hollow now and no one can fill that spot. Daily stresses come and go, financial challenges, work problems, but those can be dealt with, it is this spot inside that is so hard to deal with. I try to build my life, but I still don't know what that life is. I keep waiting to find out. But Spela, you and Walt and Ustwo, and the many others that have since joined us, you are what keeps me going. Lately I have had a hard time opening up with what is within me, but still I check on line to see what you all have to say, and still, I say a prayer for you, each of you...

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Kayc - I can so relate to the "George shaped" empty and hollow spot in your heart. When our spouses died part of us died too and my heart has a "Jeannie shaped" cavity that hurts so much. :(:(

Spela - I have a difficult time feeling "Merry" at Christmas or "Happy" at New Year's also. I know that true friends are sincere and really mean well when they offer these greetings and they can't know how much it hurts me to hear or see those phrases this year.

Maybe, just maybe next year will be easier IF I continue to survive - and I am not sure that I really want to. :(:(

I also thank Marty for this site and for her other site where I find many comforting messages.

I wish everyone who visits this Discussion Group a better year in 2006 than we have survived in 2005. :):):)

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Thank you, my dear friends. I have something to add to what I wrote before (and now I'm writing for the second time, I deleted my post by accident) ...

Yesterday, when I was going home from work, I felt - probably for the first time in 11 months - good about myself. I didn't hate or dislike myself and feel I'm a bad and bitter person but I do care about people and don't want to hurt them or hurt myself. And for the first time I felt I am NOT alone, though I don't often hear from my "old" friends. I do have friends, there're so many people here on this forum who are there to listen. Thank you all!

Another thing is that I can say - for the first time - that I AM learning how to live again (and not only thinking that someday I will, maybe, start to learn that). Not to live without him - I couldn't do that and I wouldn't even want to - but with him, yes in a different way but love stays the same. I'm still deeply in love with him, and if some "other" people think that's crazy or that I should "move on", that doesn't upset me anymore. It's their problem, not mine. I feel peaceful now, and don't want to die anymore. I will live, with my love for him ...

I wanted to write that to tell you there is hope for you to find peace again. I wish you all the best!

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Spela. Oh, my gosh!!! What you wrote made me very happy! I'm so glad that you have "come to grips" with this. Your love NEVER has to change - I know that mine won't. You can love someone no matter where they are. I understand, I really do. I am so deeply in love with my deceased husband, still, that at this point I can't EVER imagine being in love with anyone else. It's been 13+ months for me and I have gotten more used to being home by myself and knowing he's not there when I get home....it doesn't make it any easier.

I am so glad that things are becoming a little easier every day. That's all we can do is take one day at a time.

We're always here!! My thoughts are with you.

Patti

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Kayc - I can so relate to the "George shaped" empty and hollow spot in your heart. When our spouses died part of us died too and my heart has a "Jeannie shaped" cavity that hurts so much. :(:(

Spela - I have a difficult time feeling "Merry" at Christmas or "Happy" at New Year's also. I know that true friends are sincere and really mean well when they offer these greetings and they can't know how much it hurts me to hear or see those phrases this year.

Maybe, just maybe next year will be easier IF I continue to survive - and I am not sure that I really want to. :(:(

I also thank Marty for this site and for her other site where I find many comforting messages.

I wish everyone who visits this Discussion Group a better year in 2006 than we have survived in 2005. :):):)

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Guest Guest_Deborah_*
I have read the recent posts and hope the is some peace with this process. I still am undecided about whether to live or not. Its only when I think to the future that it feels impossible to imagine one without him. Thats when I think it would be easier to not live anymore. I've been told to talk to him and tell him my feelings, but if I do that, then it means he is gone and I cannot bring myself to speak. I get scared that he is still struggling or he is sad too and I just can't take it.
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"Guest Deborah" - I don't know how long it's been since your loss, but you will get through this. We are all suffering, but as you can see, we're all "going on". You HAVE to know that that is what your spouse would have wanted for you. He would not want you doing what it is you talk about doing. If he truly loves you, he does not want you to NOT go on. We, the ones left, are the ones that are suffering. You have to know that he is in a better place than we are. He is no longer in pain and is missing you, but he is at peace. You have to keep him in your heart! That is the best way to have him with you, ALWAYS!

I "talk" with my husband, Charlie, all the time and I kiss his picture goodbye every morning. I cry and tell him how much I miss him, but I tell him I will see him when I get home and I WILL because his pictures are everywhere in our home.

You must have other people to live for. Do you have children? Parents? Friends? All these people want you to continue on with the remainder of YOUR life. They all love and care about you. We care about you and you always have us to come and talk with. Remember...we are all on this road together. Not one I CHOSE to take, but nevertheless, I'm here.

Please do some "soul searching". "Talk" with your lost loved one. I think he will show you "the way".

If we can be of help, please come here and talk with us. My thoughts and my heart are with you!!!!! Please take care.

Patti

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I am so glad to hear that you are doing so well Spela. We have all come such a long ways in this unchosen journey.

To Deborah, whether we talk to our departed one or not, it doesn't change what's happened, it is for us that we talk to them, to help us get out our feelings. I have an ongoing letter to my husband, and in it I voice everything, my fears, anger, hurt, love, hopes, ups and downs, joys, everything. It doesn't make him any more or less dead, but it does help me to "get it out". And to the comment that someone made about not imagining ever being in love with anyone else, of course you can't imagine that, it's too soon to think about it, but even if you were to love someone else, it doesn't take away from the love you already have with your spouse...I have known people who have been widowed and remarried and they tell me one doesn't replace the other and you never ever forget your loved one...but they just didn't want to do life alone. No two loves are the same because no two people are the same. Right now we are just trying to get used to what we are left with and have to face..."life without". And of course we really know deep down inside that the person is not completely "gone", but moved, and our love never dies, but how we get to convey it is altered. Please keep writing out your feelings, it's one of the most important things you can do right now, it validates them, it gives your voice a chance to be heard, and it empowers you, and right now you need that. We are here to hear you. God be close to you.

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Guest Guest_Deborah_*
Thank you for sharing your kinds words. Coming from people who have lost their love, it means alot. Larry died Nov. 16th a day before his 50th birthday. We had been together 14 years and were planning a wedding after a transplant (big mistake). He had been waiting over 4 years for a transplant and fought a courageous battle before cancer came into the picture. Every dream I had is gone. The plans for the future gone. Our 2 beagles are waiting by the door each day. We are lost. I have 2 adult sons who have their own lives. Some friends are keeping their distance and it feels terribly lonely. I don't want to die but looking forward without him seems insurmountable. I didn't have much of a life before I met him and am scared now. Do you all feel fear or dread? Is this part of the insanity you feel? How do you choose to continue?
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I'm sorry to sound so cliche, but I take it one day at a time. It is so hard to lose your best friend and all your plans for the future together. It's been almost 8 months since my husband died. The week before Christmas, and up until yesterday, was awful for me. I cried constantly and didn't get out of bed much. Then Wednesday and yesterday I couldn't put away the Christmas stuff fast enough. I was just so glad to be done with it.

I keep replaying the last week of Tom's life in my head. I will always be grateful for being able to have him home at the end, with dignity. I know he is at peace. I'm the one suffering now, but nothing can compare to the suffering he went through. It is so good to know that I am not alone and can come here any time to just write what I am feeling. Take care of yourself....baby steps.

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Deborah,

Yes we sometimes feel fear and dread...usually when I feel that I try to push it aside and not dwell on it. I try to fill up my time and not be alone much. One day at a time is right. I've lost the "couple friends" we had, but I've gained a couple of friends that I wasn't as close to before too. I talked to someone last night who had been through this and she said someone had told her "when things get back to normal..." and she said "there isn't any normal...what was normal before doesn't exist anymore, she had to create a new normal". That's true, our life as we knew it is gone, we have to try to rebuild from scratch and it's hard. It's not a matter of liking it, it's a matter of trying to find something good in it anyway. Good luck and keep on trying.

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