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My husband passed away just four weeks ago tomorrow. It feels like he's been both gone forever and just left us at the same time. I'm struggling every day to keep it together. Things are more complicated than they should be because his death was so unexpected and sudden. We weren't prepared. He left me with a huge amount of financial debt, no will, no life insurance, and two teenage boys to finish raising. The amount of work this is causing is almost overwhelming to me. I'm struggling with selling his business, filing personal bankruptcy for myself, and finishing up my own college degree, which I am just one semester from finishing, trying to keep our home, and figuring out how we will live without him.

His death changed not just my life, but my boys lives too. My exceptionally smart, college bound 17 year old is now looking at military options because we can no longer afford to foot the bill for his college, and my happy-go-lucky 16 year old is now pressured to figure out what he wants to do and get started on a path for the future. As for myself, I'm having a hard time finding any motivation or anything to look forward to now that my life partner is gone. None of the plans we made for the future seem to matter without him.

I miss him more than anything, and I feel so alone and lonely without him. I get so fidgety at home, and feel like I want to go somewhere but then I get there and all I want to do is go home. I feel lonely and want people around, but then they get here and I just want them to go away. Nothing satisfies me. I stay stressed and anxious. I can't sleep and when I finally do, I wake up tired. It just feels like each day is a prison sentence.

I've looked for some sort of peace or comfort everywhere but there is none. I've prayed as hard as I can, but God doesn't seem to be listening to me right now. I've read books and articles, none of them help. I've talked to people, but no one really seems to be able to comfort me. There's just nothing and nowhere to turn to.

I guess I'm just hoping that communicating with people who have been through the same terrible loss will somehow give me some direction.

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My heart goes out to you and your boys for the tragic and untimely death of your husband. It does not surprise me at all that you are struggling daily. You have many concerns on your plate right now. Do you have someone to help you sort out all the paper work?

I understand about the lack of motivation you are feeling. When we lose our spouses whether it is anticipatory or unexpected we are thrown into a state of panic. Sometimes we freeze and are not able to see clearly. This is when it would be good for you to have someone help you.

You are so raw in your grief that you need time to come out of what we call a “fog” and sometimes it is best to hold off on any major decisions until you are seeing more clearly. Yes, there are things that have to be done for survival.

Things will get better. Many of us have been through those painful first months. This darkness will lift.

We are here to listen and support you. Please take care of yourself during these early weeks. I am so very sorry that you are going through this painful time.

Anne

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My dear Donnacas, I am so very sorry for your loss with all of its sudden and unexpected trauma and financial complications. I understand well all of the feelings you have expressed....wanting to go out and when you get there you want to be home...waking up tired. These feelings and reactions are all normal and common. Raising two adolescent boys when you are feeling so lost and such gut wrenching pain has to feel like it is just impossible.

Taking one day at a time is one thing that all of us have learned. I know a certain amount of looking forward is essential but try to limit that to only what is essential. I am wondering as I read your post if you have sought out the assistance of a grief counselor for yourself and possibly for your boys...someone who understands grief and who can listen to you and help you through this. Coming here is also a wise decision as you will meet many wonderful people who have lost spouses-some suddenly as you did and some whose spouses died following a long illness like myself. Members here will listen, share what has helped them through this labyrinth of grief and loss.

I know the aloneness you feel. We all do. You will make it one day, sometimes one moment at a time. How are your boys doing regarding their own grief? Do you have family around you or close friends who are there for you? Do keep checking here for the posts others will make, ask questions, share your confusion, pain and sadness as you wish. You will find compassion and acceptance. I suggest you read the posts in spousal loss forum to see how others feel and what helps them. Also their are many articles about grief that will help you understand that all you are feeling is normal even though extremely difficult.

Peace to your broken heart,

Mary

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Thank you for the responses. I have not sought out a grief counselor, simply because there are so many other things to do right now, and I can hardly keep up with all of it, one more thing, even that, seems like one thing too many. Unfortunately for us, things can't be put off til later because we must survive and eat and have a place to live. I wish I could put it all on hold for a while, but if I do, we won't have enough to make it.

The boys seem to be dealing with their grief better than I am with mine. I sense some anger in my oldest, as he begins to realize the financial situation his dad left us in, but I have tried to keep that away from them as much as possible. He starts his senior year of high school in just two weeks and I want him and his brother to have as much normalcy as possible. My youngest hasn't said much, he's somewhat shut down, but he is going out with friends and doing normal teenage things so I think that's good. I'm trying to keep my eye on both of them.

I feel like I just need all these financial issues settled as soon as possible so I can have some breathing room and stop worrying and just feel free to grieve for a while. I almost feel like our friends are looking at me and wondering why I'm not a blubbering mess, and I wonder too, but honestly, I feel like I don't have time to cry. I do, of course, but I am afraid every time that I won't be able to pull myself together and get things straight, which is essential for my children. Right now, they are my only reason to be alive. I'm better now, but when my husband lay in the hospital bed and they told me he'd never wake up again (he had a stroke which caused a massive hemorrhage in his brain), had my children not been standing there depending on me, I think I really could have curled up next to him and died too. I know I can't do that now, but I also feel like I must make things as safe as possible for them or living will have been in vain.

And at the end of it all, I'm horrified at the complete absence of any sort of joy inside me anymore. I know I've had a terrible loss and it's probably natural to feel this way, but EVERYTHING feels like a job now. Nothing brings me any happiness. I love my children very much, which as I said, is why I feel any compulsion to live at all, but there is no joy, no happiness, in it at all. This is what scares me the most. How can I go on for another 20,30, 40 years with no joy? What a miserable life. I understand the take it day by day attitude, but a day is just a prison sentence when there is no happiness in it. I don't know what to do with that.

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dear Donnacas, I've very sorry for your loss and all the logistical challenges you're suddenly faced with, as well as supporting your boys and beginning your own griefing. My husband died last September after a short illness....I, too, had a tough time getting restful sleep for several months. I understand feeling fidgety in early grief, feeling like nothing satisfies, feeling no joy, feeling lonely but not wanting people too close. For me, those feelings faded gradually over several months. Things that I think helped me: working hard to eat nutritiously, stay hydrated, exercise most days, relax my mind and body as I could, doing grief support work. I had to make some hard decisions early on including selling a business.....it's tough, and it's not fair and we do somehow make it through but it takes a lot of effort at a time when we have low reserves.

We learn to take one day at a time, sometimes one hour at a time amidst our busy-ness. Thinking of you and wishing you good rest tonight.

Jo

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Dear Donnacas,

​I am so sorry for your terrible losses, for it sounds as though there is a lot to sort out, and some of that sorting is about more losses. I can only imagine how shocked and traumatized you are right now. Your grief, sense of betrayal, and sense of your world ending must feel terribly overwhelming. I hope you can take a deep breath and take it one hour at a time for a while. I am so sorry you have to go through this painful time, with all its myriad pieces.

I want to mention meditation for sleeping. There is a meditation thread, on which there are some links. The first couple of years, once I knew about them, I used the CDs nightly and it was a true blessing. Without adequate sleep, we cannot function, and sleeping well with healthy amounts of and quality of sleep, became one of my priorities. Eating well and staying hydrated. Start with these simple things. I imagine you are eating well because the boys must eat as well. I hope so.

Often, churches have financial advisors who will help you for free. If not, see if there is a referral through your local hospice group. I would try to take a while each day, only if half an hour, to begin to build a resource base among friends and community. I know what it is to feel swamped, but even 15 minutes a day can yield wonderful relief sometimes. Make some lists, and then prioritize, if you have not already done so.

I was totally numb and slightly confused the first several months, maybe the whole first year. Get some loving and supportive people gathered around you, even if only one or two. You need support right now.

You need a grief counselor to help you through this time, and so do your sons. You have far more losses of a serious nature than most people face with a sudden death. To survive with health, and to have the boys survive with health, so I hope you can find a grief counselor who will work with you, perhaps on a sliding scale. I hope there are some church or charitable resources available to you.

You need a good financial advisor, who might be able to handle the contacting of institutions for a while, and help you get organized so you can salvage as much as possible.

I hope you have some emotional support for you, because I know you are giving it to the boys. Even there, you might want to get some help. Share the load around when you can. A lot of services are free through local charities.

I hope you have a good night's sleep, and that there is a bit of peace in your heart.

Go gently with you these days.

Blessings,

feralfae

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Dear Donnacas

I've been on this forum for two years and it continues to help me. It's somewhere you can reach out to those of is who sadly understand what you are going through. Each person's situation is different but ... My husband died the day after our second grand daughter was born and so I was almost too busy helping her (a single mother ) to grieve properly and even now it seems unreal. All you can do at this early stage is try to deal with all the problems one by one (and I can see that there are many). I do hope you have some family to help you? Please keep writing here and we will all respond and share. Jan in England

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Donnacas,

I do understand the complete absence of joy. It is difficult to remember that all the feelings you have in this very early time following your husband's death, will change over time. If I never knew patience before my husband died, I learned and am learning it now. Joy comes in moments and it will eventually drop back into your life in moments here and there until you have joy again very often.

If counseling is out for now, do keep coming here and read posts and create posts so that we may embrace you.

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Donnacas,

Even if we do not understand all that you are going through, we can support you and send {{{HUGS}}} and listen and care. Mary is right in her choice of words. We will embrace you and hold you with compassion. We will comfort you as best we can.

fae

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Donnacas, so very sorry for your loss. I can only imagine how difficult this is for you, along with the myriad of other difficulties that you face. Your financial difficulties must seem overwhelming, perhaps you have a friend, or can find a financial advisor to help you. Any debts that do not have your signature on them, you are not required to pay. I am so sorry you are having all these problems. Please take care of yourself, as best you can. Eat, try to sleep, and allow yourself a little time for yourself. We do support you, and know that prayers, and good positive thoughts are coming your way. I have been coming to this site since April 2010, my husband died suddenly in January, 2010. It has been a lifesaver for me. Many people here, with words of wisdom and comfort. We have all joined this journey reluctantly, but the journey is a bit easier with the support of the people here. Hugs to you.

QMary

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Again, I thank you all for your responses. I search for things to say to people right now, because no one wants to hear about how horrible you feel all the time, but that's pretty much all there is for me, that and my financial issues. I feel like I've lost my whole life. I have lost it. There's nothing interesting or amusing about me anymore. I'm just one big ball of pain and worry.

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Yes, Donnacas, the bottom fell out of your life and pain is everywhere you turn. I know. We all know exactly what that feels like. I remember walking through Walmart in a daze, driving in a daze, only wanting to talk about my pain and my loss, and feeling I would never ever smile again. It changes though that is hard to believe right now. No one could have convinced me but you also carry grief but it lightens with time and grief work. We are here to walk with you...every step of the way.

You can vent, share stories, talk about your financial situation...whatever you want to talk about is just fine here. No one here will get tired of that.

Mary

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Donnacas,

I am sorry yet another one has joined the troops of the bereaved. My husband also died suddenly and without warning, and I was left in financial shambles. I want to encourage you that things have a way of working out...it has been nine years since then and I've never gone hungry and I've somehow managed to make the house payments, in spite of three layoffs. My son completed his stint in the Air Force and just completed two engineering degrees at OSU, completely debt free with no help from anyone...he used his GI bill, grants, and scholarships, where there is a will there is a way.

You have a lot on your plate right now and it's easy to feel overwhelmed. It helped me to take a day at a time and try not to take on the whole rest of my life. It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders. Have you seen an attorney? It could be that you aren't responsible for the medical bills...I didn't know I wasn't (the hospital was hounding me) and I refinanced my house to pay for them. I thought I couldn't afford an attorney but in hindsight I would have been money ahead to have gotten one's advice. Things do vary state to state. It was here that I learned that I could still claim him on my taxes that first year.

I hope you will continue to come here and be a part of this healing place, we are all here for each other.

(((hugs)))

Kay

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I have seen an attorney and he is handling some of these things for me, but even with his help, there is still an overwhelming amount of work for me to do. Or maybe it's not overwhelming and it just feels that way to me because its been 20 years since I've had to worry about things like this and when I did, life was way simpler. Sometimes it doesn't even matter to me what happens, what they take, where we go, any of it. Sometimes I just wish I could hurry up and be done with life too. I wish my husband would send me some kind of sign that he's still here with me, somehow, even if I can't see him. I wish I could find something that could make me feel satisfied, even just for a while, and not hurt so much. I wish I had time to just curl up somewhere dark and scream and cry and fall apart...

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I am so glad you have an attorney. I remember, sort of (it is all a blur) trying to get legal things and taxes and more done. We are called to do these when we are at our very worst. Do you have a friend who could help you...sit with you as you unravel it all?

It is ok to curl up and cry. You probably want to do that when the kids are gone. You will stop and releasing some of those tears might help, actually. I am so sorry. I do know this is just so difficult...like being called on to climb Mt. Everest barefoot.

Mary

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