Newbie And One Year On

[Tonyswife]

Hello all, I am new on here. I discovered this site when I was searching about 'grieving one year on'. I didn't expect a sudden overnight change after a year, all those 'firsts', all that 'this time last year.....'. But I also didn't expect to feel worse! It's like starting to grieve all over again and it's confusing me. I am told this is quite common when 'the dust settles' and all the practicalities have been dealt with. Now it's time to just try to live without him with little else to distract me from that.

His death was unexpected and traumatic as we were abroad on holiday and that has brought many difficulties - particularly for family who weren't there and had to deal with him just going on holiday and never coming home!

It would help me to hear how others have felt 'one year on'. I am in the UK and it's 1am so I may not respond straight away to any replies.

Thanking you in anticipation

[kayc]

Hi, and welcome to this site. It is very common to feel the second year is harder, I think most find that to be true and didn't expect it, although that's not necessarily the case for everyone. The truth is, the numbness and shock seems to protect us somewhat, and we seem to have more support right off the bat whereas eventually everyone goes back to their lives or thinks we should be "over it". The second year is a rude awakening.

I, too, lost my husband unexpectedly and suddenly. Only I had gone away with my sisters for the weekend and he was at home...alone to deal with a heart attack, being admitted to the hospital, and dying. Once a year I go away with my sisters and he dies then?! It's tough.

I am sorry for your loss and for all you find yourself going through. I hope you will find comfort and encouragement in this site and at the very least, know you are not alone.

[MartyT]

Welcome to this healing circle, my dear, where you will find yourself among kindred spirits and discover that you are not alone.

I invite you to read this particular article, in hopes that it will resonate with you: Grief In The Second Year: Finding Your Way

[mfh]

I am glad you found your way to our circle. I believe you will find great comfort and support here as you go into your second year. For many of us the second year was more difficult than expected. It throws one off guard as we think it will be easier but we see what our life is like and the losses are many while the grief triggers continue. You will find comfort among the members and it is a great place to vent, to ask questions, to learn and to feel supported. So I am glad you are among us. You are not alone with these feelings.

[feralfae]

Hello Tonyswife in England.

I am so sorry that you have lost your husband and so unexpectedly. And while out of the country, which I can only imagine was a stark and terrible shock for you, being of the midset that you were away on holiday.

The second year: you are absolutely correct that much of the first year, while we are emotionally numb, is taken up with logistics, finances, and finding a way to hold the external world stable enough to function through the days without serious problems. It is a horrible time. But at least a bit distracting, with all there is to do.

The second year: not that the dust has settled a bit, as you so aptly point out, I was faced with the reality that a full year has passed, and that my Husband was not coming back. This was really happening. It had really happened. Doug was not going to ever hug me again, or kiss the top of my head. And the numbness was wearing off, I was less in shock, and people were pulling back, going about their own lives and dealing more with their own emotional bruises and scrapes and wounds. And sometimes, like me, one of them would have a heartbreak, and I could comfort a little bit. But it was a very empty time.

The second year: By the second year, since I wasn't going to die right then, I had to begin to focus on at least keeping things a bit more together, but the special days hit me very hard. Fortunately, Doug left a lot of notes and also sent wonderful signs. And messages. That helped a lot.

The second year: just before the first anniversary of Doug's escape, I found this wonderful, warm, loving, compassionate, caring, supportive, informative, educational, and enlightening Tribe here around Marty's and Mary's fire, and I began to understand that there is hope for healing, for finding a new balance, and for moving back into life again. I am 30 months out from Doug leaving, and I am functioning again. Not top form, nor full out, but I am functioning better all the time.

Stay here with us through this second year. You will get an incredible amount of healing done; you will be seen, mirrored, validated, and comforted as you make this incredible journey of spirit-shifting into a new paradigm of wholeness.

I am really glad you found us. This is a safe and good place. We all arrive here with broken hearts, and we slowly begin to pick up pieces and begin to build anew, knowing this heart still holds all the love it has ever had.

Welcome, and Blessings

*<twinkles>* (also known as *<fairydust>* or blessings, good intentions, all best wishes, or support. Or photons.)

Feralfae

[Wifflesnook]

Dear Tonyswife

I'm in England too. My beloved husband Pete died over two years ago, but my grief is still very hard. I'm learning to live with it and it's with the help of the people here. Stay with us, introduce yourself, talk about your Tony, and the talking will help. I hardly remember the first year even though Pete died the day after our second grand daughter was born and I spent much time helping our daughter, a single mother. It seems like I didn't lay down memories of that first year. It may be that they were so painful I didn't take them out and polish them like we do with happy memories. Yes, the second year is harder because it's when we come to realise it's permanent (though I still expect Pete to come back somehow). We all need support and you will get that, understanding, empathy, here. I'm glad you found us. Jan

[praised74]

I am at one year and 2 weeks. I also feel as though I just lost him. In addition my mind was playing tricks and I thought I was experiencing some of the same symptoms he had with his lung cancer. I went to the doctor, he did a chest x ray, it was abnormal. They did a cat scan and it was negative for lung cancer, but discovered a cyst on my liver, so on the 15th I have to have ultrasound. I don't cry as much, but I am so sad.

[kayc]

praised74,

Please keep us updated as to what they find, I hope it's something easily taken care of.

[mfh]

Dear praised74

Do keep us appraised of your health if you wish. We are here for you...to share and to talk and to reach out.

[Tonyswife]

Thank you all for your kind words etc. It's very comforting to know my feelings are 'normal'. Thank you for the link MartyT - that's the very page I found that brought me to this group.

Praised74 you must have lost your husband about the same time, Tony died 22 June last year. I do hope your cyst turns out to be harmless. I will keep you in my prayers.

And Wifflesnook - nice to see someone on the same side of the pond as me!! How heartbreaking and poignant to have a death and a birth so close. How difficult that must have been for everyone. Since Tony died my daughter has had a baby boy (he's 11 weeks old now) and he has the middle name Anthony after my Tony. A lovely legacy. I am sure your granddaughter will bring you great joy over the years ahead.