Angry At Certain People When You Shouldn't Be?

[Donnacas]

I wanted to ask, has anyone else experienced anger or just plain annoyance at certain people in the early stages of loss? I'm having a hard time with it towards certain people. One is an employee of my late husband's- her presumption about how much she is free to do and allow others to do at his office is really getting to me. She is also assuming that I don't know about some personal favors my husband did for her and I find it ticks me off that she actually thinks my husband snuck around behind my back for her.

Another person that I find myself totally frustrated and annoyed with is a very dear friend of mine. There is no reason for this at all and I know it. All she is trying to do is be my friend but everything she says just runs me the wrong way. I get annoyed because she asks me how I slept, I get annoyed when she sympathizes when I complain. I get annoyed when she tries to talk about something going on in her life. I don't understand why. I almost don't want to even talk to her at all, but then when I don't, I feel abandoned.

And the last one is the one that really worries me. My mother in law. It makes me pure mad when she cries. I can't seem to help myself. She posted a tribute article in our local paper, totally innocent, but it just went all over me. She went by my husbands office to run copies of something and proceeded to go back to his office and introduce herself to the person who is purchasing his business and that ticked me off too.

None of these feelings really make sense to me, in reasoning or intensity. Especially my mother in law who has been basically wonderful to me. I know I shouldn't feel this way, but for some reason, the overwhelming sense that I get is that they are all seeking the attention spotlight. Which I shouldn't care about because I definitely do NOT want it for myself. I really just want to be left alone. So why do I care if they have it?

Anyone else been through this? What do you do?

[kayc]

I think we are very thin skinned when we are grieving, esp. in the earlier days/months/years.

The employee I think I would set straight. The other two...remind yourself that they are good people you are fortunate to have in your life and try to let go of it if you know there is no basis for it. I did learn to confront and stand up for myself as some people will try to tell you what to do, as if you've lost your brain when your husband died. Our emotions are all over the place in those early days. It does help to recognize it.

Perhaps you feel they're vying for your place?

[mfh]

I think we long to be heard in these days following our loss. And we long to have others reach out to us IF they understand. Our world is really all about our own losses and when someone makes statements that even hint of not understanding how much pain we are in, we can find ourselves becoming angry. Remember anger flows from fear and during these days following our loss, we are frightened of more loss of any kind including attention and the spotlight. One of the most difficult parts of this journey is that others move on and tend to be unaware of how much pain you are in a year later and yes, four years later or more. We handle the grief better but it is ever present and when someone says anything that hints of them not recognizing that we feel alone with our pain and loss and we feel it is unacknowledged. It seems to me you have it figured out. It seems your your mother in law is, of course, in a lot of pain and perhaps the two of you can share more of your pain. You both lost someone so significant. Perhaps an attempt to reach out to her pain will result in her reaching out and acknowledging yours even though that is difficult to do.

[Donnacas]

Maybe. I don't know. I just know I shouldn't be angry with either of them but that seems to be the main feeling that comes up when they are around. I'm just too tired to spend my energy being mad for no reason.

[Donnacas]

I want to stay close with my mother in law. I love her very much. That's why this anger disturbs me so much.

[MartyT]

As you yourself said, None of these feelings really make sense to me, in reasoning or intensity. This is why I think it's so useful to remember that in grief, feelings very often don't make any sense at all. Oftentimes they defy any rational explanation. Rather than trying so hard to make sense of them, we are wise to remember that feelings are neither right or wrong, good or bad ~ they just are. And as I often say, what matters is not what we are feeling, but rather what we DO with what we are feeling. We cannot control our feelings, but we certainly can control how we behave in any given situation. The key is to become aware of what we are feeling, to check it against reality (to see if our perceptions are accurate), and to act accordingly. Sometimes that is very hard to do, and most especially when we are in the throes of grief ~ because this is a time when we are fragile and raw, and quite susceptible to what we perceive as the insensitivity of others. I read a lot of "shoulds" in your post, which tells me that you are judging yourself quite harshly for how you're feeling. I would encourage you to judge yourself not on how you feel toward others, but on how you act toward them instead.

You also say that "the overwhelming sense that I get is that they are all seeking the attention spotlight." This reminds me of the title of one of the blogs I follow, Stop Thief. Don't Steal My Grief. I really like that title, because it conveys the notion that grief is a very personal experience, and no one has the right to take it away from us. As I read your post, I couldn't help but wonder if part of your anger stems from the feeling that, when others share the grief they may feel at the loss of your beloved, whether it's intentional or not, they are stealing the grief that rightfully belongs to you ~ which in turn feels as if they are stealing your beloved. Of course all of this is totally irrational, but still . . .

Here is an article that may help you deal with some of the anger you may be feeling: Is Anger One of the Stages of Grief?

[LarrysGirl]

When Larry first died, his mother and I were struggling. I felt angry that everyone went to her home when people first heard he'd died and very few came to mine. We had some financial issues as well, selling of an automobile and we disagreed, I felt pushed to sell it to soon but was so worn down, I gave in. It has taken time for us to find a relationship again, we were both in such pain.

The relationship with my best friend however, has not recovered. Her remarks were hurtful and she seemed oblivious to what I was going through. I guess that is part of life and death, some people are able to stand with you during your grief, others are not.

Right now you are hurting and grieving, so nothing feels normal. Try not to focus on those things and take care of you, thats really all that matters. Deborah

[kayc]

Very good points you guys! It's good to hear these reminders.

[praised74]

It has been one year and two weeks since my husband passed away. The anger I felt early on has subsided and I am not as angry. I still feel some bitterness toward his ex wife and his children, when I allow myself to think about how they mistreated him. We were married almost thirty years, together 36 years. I can count the times on one hand when they sent a card for his birthday, Father's day or Christmas. They wanted to love him on their terms. The ex wife was the mastermind, because she always felt he belong to her. She married two times after him and went back to his name. Within days after the funeral, she was at social security applying. There was never a relation with his children. I was the woman their father married. I have children who are very good to me and was also to him. That is where his gifts came from. What has helped me heal is that I have not seen or talked to them since the funeral on August 5, 2013. I have had so much peace. The one who kept us connected is gone and that was the extent of our socialization with each other. My husband loved his children and was always trying to please them and they manipulated every opportunity to use him. I know they miss him, if only for the money and the co-signing.

The Surgeon who botched his surgery for the Lung Cancer. He performed the surgery and had not read the MRI. He confessed to us in his follow up visit how distressed he was and said "If he had read the report, he would not have done the surgery. But I bet he didn't refused the money he received for doing the surgery. I am praying for release as it is all over.

[kayc]

praised74,

I am sorry to hear all of this, you've been through it! Releasing it all can be very healing.

[mfh]

I am glad some of your anger has subsided. Family issues surface frequently under the circumstances of death. Your focus on releasing your anger and feelings about those who have hurt you is a wise choice.