Today Is The Best Day Of My Mom's Life

[kayc]

As many of you know, my mom had a very troubled life, she had problems, even as a child, with nearly every personality disorder known. Her test results were:

Paranoid: Very High

Borderline: Very High

Histrionic: Very High

Avoidant: Very High

Narcissistic: High

Schizotypal: High

Antisocial: High

Dependent: High

Obsessive-Compulsive: High

Schizoid: Moderate

Because of this, it was difficult for us to realize when she first developed dementia, until it was so blatant there was no doubt. She spent 26 months in a dementia care facility, and during that time was also diagnosed with Leukemia, which they decided not to treat, but put her on hospice.

Oddly enough, while my mom was difficult to deal with all her life, the last two years were the easiest as she was finally treated and on medication for her paranoia. She became softer, less controlling, not judgmental, appreciative to see us when we visited. It made it a whole lot nicer to have her go out like this than had she died a few years ago. We got to know her, finally, as a sweet person.

I went to see her Tuesday and she'd gone into a coma. It was very difficult to see her like that, unable to talk, and I knew I wouldn't likely see or talk to her again.

This morning my brother called, she'd passed away. This is the day she has long awaited, the day she'd finally get to go be with the Lord and be reunited with Daddy. She didn't remember my husband, George any more, but she loved him dearly while he was alive, and I know she is happily rejoined with him as well. I put in a special word for my dear MIL to bake her one of her famous pies, because my mom will finally be able to eat again. Today is the best day of my mom's life.

I've about cried my eyes out. I've been on the phone all day, the phone ringing off the hook, calling and notifying relatives. I'm going to miss her, but she is free at last, free of all that plagued her in this life, no longer trapped in a body or mind that doesn't work, finally able to be the person she was meant to be...and I look forward to seeing her again. I am so glad for each and every moment we had together these last couple of years, every conversation, even ones that didn't make sense. I remember her saying a word in a sentence that didn't make sense and she said, "that's not the word but it'll do!" I loved it, her acceptance of this dementia, knowing her mind wasn't working right, but making the best of it. My little mother, everyone at the dementia care facility is mourning her, they all said how sweet she was. I never thought I'd see the day people would see her that way, but she changed so much once she finally got the medication she needed. I am so thankful for all of the care she got. My brother and his wife did a wonderful job of finding the right place and looking after her.

Mom, like I told you, I will miss you, but I'm right behind you...just a few more years and we'll be together again.

[mfh]

A loving, honest and warm tribute to your mom, Kay. How wonderful that you had these last couple of years with her and that she had a chapter in her life where she could be her true self...warm and sweet.

Thinking of you these days.

[MartyT]

Just beautiful, dear Kay. You are such a precious daughter, and I'm so glad that you made it your business to be with your mom as much as you could these last few years, which proved to be her best years. Now you have all those loving moments and wonderful memories to sustain you in your grief. I am so sorry for your loss, but grateful to know that your mom is finally at peace ~ and I wish that peace and healing for you as well. ♥

[kayc]

Thank you both, I have cried my eyes out today, I'm truly exhausted...all three of my phones say they need charged for seven hours, as I've been on the phone notifying people all day. I can't help but think how wonderful it will be for my mom here on out.

[feralfae]

Kay, You wrote so beautifully from your heart that I could feel your sadness, your celebration, and your certainty. I love the baking the pie for her part. You have a wonderful connection to your own spirit, and the spirit of others.

I hope you are letting your phones all charge while you take the night off and get as much rest as you can. I know you cannot help but be exhausted. I hope you rest very well, and have sweet slumbers and good dreams.

Tomorrow will be here before you know it, so recharge yourself while the phones are recharging.

Much Love,

fae

[Queeniemary]

Kay, you are such a wonderful daughter, and were there as much as possible for your Mother these last, difficult years of her life. She was very fortunate to have you. I am so happy you had these last years with her. What you wrote was a lovely tribute, and how great that in the last years of her life, she was able to let that softer, gentle side come through. Prayers for you and your family.

Big hugs for you {HUGS}

QMary

[SadLynn]

Kay, thank you for sharing about your mom. I am sorry for your pain, but I am happy for your mom that she has left this world and will be starting hew new life with all of our loved ones that have gone before us. I pray that you will have continued peace and comfort.

Donna

[kayc]

Thank you for your responses.

Yesterday I spent the day making cards for all of the close family members (siblings, children, my kids). The common thread when I talked to everyone was their memories of her abuse. I wanted my messages to be of healing. I'm sorry that not everyone took the time to get to know her these last two years because she really was quite different and I think it'd help them to remember her that way. I've shared with them that she was very troubled and received help the last couple of years and the emerging result was a very sweet appreciative woman. I want everyone to remember that this woman that lived a very troubled life is now free of it and able to be the person she was created to be and it is THAT person we will be rejoined with someday.

In remembering her, I don't want the focus to be on her troubles or abuse, but on the freedom she now has and the person she truly is.

[enna]

My letter to a beautiful person ~ my reflection and offering of love to you, Kay, on the death of your mother…

It is true what they say about people coming into our lives for a reason. You have been one of those special people who give of yourself without thought of anything in return. Your forgiveness of those around you is a lesson we all could learn.

As it says in Psalm 39:4 “We are all here for only a little while.”

Your dear Mother is now at peace and looking down on all of us. I believe that she has a smile on her face finally seeing just how beautiful you are. What a manifestation of love you showed during these last few years as you watched your mother’s transformation into a gentle, sweet lady.

I am so sorry for your loss. When one no longer has a parent living I think it changes us. We are left to now live our lives as best we can without the advice, good or not, from someone closer to us than anyone else.

Thank you for showing, by your example, how we are to live our lives in love. Life is too short and as a sweet person (Darcy Sims) who is now in Heaven used to say, “I love you.”

Anne

[kayc]

Thank you, Anne. I got all of my cards and handwritten notes done yesterday including one for each of her grandchildren. They were very difficult to write as her relationship with each was so different, some she'd treated very badly while favoring another, and I didn't want to badmouth her while she's dead, but I wanted to leave a healing message for each one without overtly acknowledging situations that had occurred. They know what's occurred and they are able to apply the message where it needs to be. It's hard because my brother and sister-in-law never acknowledge her abuse and didn't protect their daughter from it, but she experienced it, gosh when you have someone so mentally affected it is so challenging to deal with! Anyway, I finally got done and am satisfied with the results. I feel exhausted after the last few days, it's been emotionally draining. So many things my mom alluded to even though she didn't come right out and address them...it's interesting that she remembered certain things in spite of the dementia. She had such low feelings of herself and guilt, I'm glad it's all gone for her now and I just hope and pray that the effects can be healed over in the family now.

[Daughter2010]

Kay,

I am so sorry for your loss. My deep condolences to you.

I am truly touched to see the beauty in your words referring to your mom. Being able to see her for who she really is , is a blessing to you and everyone else who was able to experience that first hand.

The greatest lesson of all for everyone of us is to be able to understand the power of love. The time you spent with her these last couple of years allowed you to see that. Love and forgiveness.

By the way, I loved that comment about your mom saying "That's not the right word but it'll do!" Life is so complex and yet so simple too.

Letting go of the bad and keeping the good allows us to move forward and heal, live and love.

Big Hug to you!

-L

[kayc]

Thank you for your kind words! This has truly been a learning experience as well as a time of healing for all who let it be.

We have the obituary done and submitted now.

[kayc]

I was shocked this morning to see a post on FB from my SIL saying how my mom was the best MIL a person could ask for and how she hoped to be half as good a grandma as her. My mom abused my SIL's daughter, hardly someone to saint. She pulled her hair and pulled her down the stairs and screamed that she wished (her granddaughter) had never been born. Hardly a nomination for sainthood. Yet here my SIL is, sainting her. I don't know how to feel about that. She wasn't a good mom. She wasn't a good grandma. I suppose she was nicer to Sheryl than she was us girls, nicer to Mick too for that matter, because he was a boy...a boy following five girls. In fact she left everything to him, the rest of us don't even get anything to remember her by. I posted back to Sheryl that she had meant a lot to my mom. What else can you say? It is what it is.

[mlg]

I am so sorry to hear about your mom. It is so hard to love some people but when you realize that maybe they don't have control over their actions and suddenly a medication makes all the difference in the world it is easier to understand. They weren't wanting to be that way, their body just made them that way. I am so glad that you had two "good" years with your mom and can remember a lot of that even though you will not forget the bad years and least this helps buffer the hurt.

I don't know what your brother received from her but they are just things and maybe when he thinks about it he will share. I know it still hurts when one is "better" than the rest but I know you will move on because that is just the person that you are.

[kayc]

My brother did more for my mom than the rest of us even though I was always there for her emotionally, and he was the youngest, and he lived closer, so for that reason I don't resent that he has all of the stuff. I doubt he'll reconsider as he's already taken everything home or put it to use...I asked for the family rocking chair for my son (they were expecting...then they lost the baby) but was told he is using it, I asked for her Bible and got no response. I would have liked the purse daddy gave her, I would have had it relaced, but it was undoubtedly thrown away, my brother probably not knowing the history of it. Oh well. It's all just "stuff" I've lived without all these years, I'm not going to let it come between me and my brother. If anyone is responsible for us girls being completely cut out, it is my mom. But she was raised in this culture of thinking that girls are of no value, only boys count. You'd think she'd have changed how she did things with her kids being as she hated being treated that way by her mom, but she didn't. She did improve on her mom in some ways, that is taking care of us/the house. She gardened, cooked, sewed, kept a clean house, landscaped...none of which my grandmother ever was good at or tried. And she taught us.

I think my mom was probably culpable to some extent but it's hard saying how much. Her mental illness went way back, she used to beat on her younger siblings when they were just toddlers, who does that? Could she have controlled herself better? Only God knows that, so it's to Him I leave her. I try not to judge what I can't understand. I know it was real personal all those years I was getting abused, it was personal when she abused her grandchildren. She spanked my son when he was just one year old (barely one) for saying "no" to her, and she spanked him hard! I was caught totally off guard, but whipped around to her as fast as I could and grabbed him away and told her "That's called abuse. If you do it again, I'll call the police." Then I dropped her off at home and left. My brother did not protect his children from her, she was very abusive to one granddaughter that I know of. My sister intervened and reported it to my brother and their response was to believe my mom's lies and not have anything to do with my sister again. My brother was enough younger that he didn't see as much as we did, he was treated different. Still he saw her "inappropriateness" and her off kilter perceptions and responses.

Today is my mom's funeral. I'm anxious, my stomach is tied up in knots. My family is so intense and head strong, it makes me nervous when we're together, especially under emotionally charged situations like this. I just hope everyone is considerate, sensitive, and respectful of each other...and I know that's asking a lot.

I am glad I got a glimpse of my mom how she could have been or was meant to be, even without the memory, that didn't seem to be as much of a problem as her mental illness always was. Weird, usually dementia is harder for family to watch. And it is, in other ways, it was hard to watch her decline, losing her abilities, her frustration in the early stages, her fear, having her forget George, and most of all, I didn't like that I lived two hours away, I wish I could have visited every day.

It's weird, people can wrong you, and you have to learn to set boundaries and stick to your guns, not let them emotionally manipulate you or abuse you, but you can still love them.

[MartyT]

We're all thinking of you today, dear Kay, and holding you close ♥

[mfh]

Kay, you are a wise and courageous and forgiving person. I have been thinking of you yesterday and today as you prepare to attend your mom's funeral. It is hard to believe anyone would treat others as your mom did unless she had some type of mental illness. I know another person's mom who was tough to live with (I can't say she was abusive) and when diagnosed with Alzheimer's the real person, fear free, came forth. I think you got a good look at who your mom was deep inside but who was unable to manifest until the diagnosis of Alzheimer's. You are so wise to see all these painful things in perspective but that does not mean it is without pain. My thoughts will be with you today and I just know everyone here will be with you in spirit as you go through this day. I hope, as you said, people can be considerate and loving. May you find peace in knowing you have done this so well. I believe your mom is smiling down on you. today and every day.

[enna]

Carrying you in my heart today, Kay. We are with you in spirit. •♥•

[kayc]

I'm glad to hear you say you saw someone else that displayed who they were meant to be after onset of dementia, because I've never seen it before. Others have said they can become violent and swear, even if they never did before. That made me apprehensive about what was to come because we'd already seen the worst, and they're telling me it can get worse yet? God was gracious to us. That's not to say it was easy, it wasn't...never knowing what to expect, every time being different (visits). some of the memories I take with me are priceless. I would not trade what I experienced with her for anything in the world. The last few months were a roller coaster ride, but precious, you know what I mean? I am esp. thankful for our last few visits. I got to see HER, the inside of her...her fears, her peace, her sweetness, her sense of humor which never abated. It's interesting, my mom was always a very serious intense person, but my dad brought out her sense of humor and she never lost it. That was my dad's legacy to us,even now I feel a sense of humor is one of the most important things a person can possess. It helps us cope and it also helps us keep things in perspective.

My mom always thought the most important thing she could do for us was preach at us, whether it's a two year old grandchild or what. It wasn't. The most important thing she could do for us was love us, and I feel she did in the end.

[mfh]

Kay, I do know that many dementia patients become violent but it is such an unpredictable disease...I am just so grateful you got to see who your mom was inside and you handled it all so beautifully. I always remind clients when they talk of a parent who was not all a parent could be that parents had parents had parents and that coupled with other experiences as well as the biological makeup....who can tell in so many instances what causes what. What you did was choose to love your mom instead of blame....and that was a gift to both of you.

Peace today,

Mary

[MartyT]

Kay, you are the keeper of whatever memories you choose to cherish regarding your mother.

I've always loved the Reparenting notion that it's never too late to have a happy childhood.

I am also reminded of this quotation from Anne Sexton: It doesn't matter who my father was; it matters who I remember he was.

So may it be with your mother, and with your memories of her. ♥

[kayc]

We had her memorial service yesterday. There was an open mic. time for most of it...we touched on the elephant in the room but it was done so tastefully, and we also talked about her good qualities and the fact that in the end she finally got help and the person she was meant to be was allowed to emerge. My brother's kids were closer to her, going to the same church and living closer, and all of them were emotional about her passing and going to miss her. My older three sisters elected not to say anything but the rest of us did. It is interesting that we seem to have had different childhoods...we were stretched out over 25 years so there were definitely different periods in my mom's life. My little sister talked about how my mom always made Christmas and holidays wonderful. That shocked me as she'd always ruined all of mine. And it's not just perception that's different, but actual events...the truth is, I grew up when she had the most stress and it was a vastly different time than the younger ones. By the same token, the older ones grew up pre-stress so didn't go through what I did. It seems she reacted to her circumstances. Anyway, I hope it was a healing time for my aunt and uncle, her only surviving siblings.

I was thoroughly exhausted last night, not getting home until 7:15 pm, having left at 8:30 am. Long day!

I believe in remembering the whole of a person, not sugar-coating and sainting them when they die. People are a mixture of good and bad and oftentimes their raising and environment can play a role in that. In understanding where they were coming from, it helps. Gradually, as you choose to move the focus from the bad things to what was good, it helps. I don't think this works in all relationships, though, because some were too horrific to think anything good, but those are the extreme cases (such as A Boy Called "It"). I probably won't ever forget the things I've been through in my life, it was unfair, it wasn't right, but there's nothing I can do to change it. I do see some good has come from it, however, it has shaped and molded me as a parent, as a person. I only know I wouldn't be who I am today without the things I've been through.

Mom, your struggle is over. From here on out you are happy and whole. No more Paranoia, no more mental illness, no more Dementia, no more pain. Now the good part of your life has begun. I will miss you, miss being able to see you, talk with you. You probably didn't comprehend half of what I told you the last few years, but I know you sensed the spirit in which it was given. It went better than I'd imagined it would, and for that I am grateful. It was hard watching your decline, seeing your pain, frustration, but that's all over now.

[mfh]

Kay, It sounds like things went smoothly yesterday and for that I know you are deeply grateful as it had to be painful enough for all of you. I do believe, like you, that the tough things we have dealt with (and I also have had my share) make us or break us and I have chosen to let them make me who I am and use them when I work with others. I hope you can get some rest now...knowing your mom is peaceful and happy and in the Light. I know you are grieving and will grieve as you also remember who she really is and was....a caring person.

[kayc]

All of her children and grandchildren (with spouses) together for the first time since we can remember.

[MartyT]

That photograph is a treasure, dear Kay ~ and the family resemblance in all your smiling faces is amazing! Beautiful! Thank you for sharing!