Girlfriend Is Grieving; Grieving My Girlfriend..

[Adampic]

My girlfriend of 2 years lost her brother in law 8 months ago and has had such a struggle with grieving him and what he left behind(her sister and children). My girlfriend idolized him. Beyond family, he was her hero and friend! His passing was untimely and very unfortunate. Since then she has been trying to work through the process of losing a loved one. She has had moments where she felt disconnected from me since this happened but was able to reconnect with her feelings. Lately, she has been having an extremely tough time with the grieving process and she has become almost cold and disinterested, with everyone, but me most. A few weeks ago she expressed that she is unable to give in a relationship and she feels that she has a lot to think about, so I give her space. I miss her something terrible. We talk on the phone a few times a week, and text everyday. I've read enough to know that she is now changed, that our lives and relationship is now changed, and everything is a slow process. But for me, not living together or being married, how do I give her space and still move forward in life with her? How do we get through this together? I have been pulling back my emotions so much that a gap is now being created between us. Her emotions are already pulled away, and it would not be healthy for me to over-extend my emotions to make up for her lack... I tried this before, it was smothering to her and emotionally draining for me. Please, help me find a way!

[Mike98]

I'm sorry to hear this has happened to you. I'm experiencing the same thing too except I reached the stage in which she did ultimately breakup with me coming up to a month now. It is a good thing that you're maintaining contact everyday via texting and more importantly phone calls. However, the former is something I done too after my ex's loss and I do feel that although it's a good thing you keep talking, you do try to avoid smothering her in anyway and putting unwanted pressure on her won't be welcome even if she doesn't state so. That's something I unknowingly did before even if I thought I had the best intentions and something you should try to steer clear of.

Good luck to you though, I'm hopeful for you that if you keep things away from relationship talk at the moment and focus on her wants and needs for now she won't have reason to push you away further. Being a friend for her now is what she needs more than anything.

[kayc]

I am sorry you find yourself in this situation. It's important to understand that you cannot control the outcome by what you do/don't do. You can help it by respecting her wishes and giving her the space she asks for. You can hurt it by putting pressure on her. Grieving, she will be thin skinned and ultra sensitive and can easily misconstrue your intent so it's important to be very careful to avoid relationship talk...if pressed, she will snap and break up with you. This leaves you in a quandary and with a lot of pressure. It could be it will end up a friendship and not the relationship you formerly had...only you can decide if you can be content with that. Yes it is true, she is not the same after experiencing this loss, she now has a new normal and is not responding the same to you.

Most of us were not able to save our relationship following our beloved's loss, but one or two have, and some of us have been able to maintain a friendship afterwards. Not everyone reacts the same, but if you read all of the threads in loss of love relationship where it's due to their loss/grief, you will see some commonalities. Our juxtaposition was very difficult to go through.

I wish you the best possible outcome. Try to keep busy with your own life and don't forget to focus on YOU.

[Adampic]

I need advice!!!

She just left me. She said she can't handle a relationship with me anymore. And she is sorry for sending mixed messages the last time we were together, which was amazing.. She said that she has never been able to get over the fact that when she was grieving upon her return home from her sisters, I was unable to be there for her, even though she doesn't blame me for it because of the situation of not being able to drive and her living so far. But she said that instilled an anger deep inside of her that hurts her because she has such a disconnect now toward me. And we never had the ability to develop a normal relationship because of her brother in law passing away. She said that even if she wanted to be in a relationship with me she can't right now because it hurts too much. She said maybe she'll feel different in a year from now but she can't put her heart into it now and that's unfair for me and her. And she said in that time maybe I would have moved on or found someone else. She doesn't think it's the medicine, it's just the way she feels. She gave a few other reasons why she feels she can't put her heart into being with me. Then we wished each other well and said goodbye.

[kayc]

You don't need advice, you need to start adjusting to your life without her and healing. It's going to take a while and I know it hurts like hell. As for her saying you weren't there for her...you wanted to be, but when they push you away there's not much you can do Is there a reason you don't drive? Maybe that's something you can work on. You don't say how old you are, but if you're 18, part of that reason might be financial. It's not fair for her to blame you, she may say she doesn't but then she does, she has an anger, she feels disconnected, say you weren't there for her. The truth is, even if you'd been there every moment, she would have pushed you away because that is her way of coping...or not. Read through these threads, you'll see you are not alone, all of these people were pushed away when their SO was grieving.

Spend time with family and friends, keep busy, it will help in the months to come. Eventually you'll have to steel your heart against feeling more for her than you should and do what is best for you.

[Adampic]

I am 28 years old. At the time I didn't drive, I do now. I was at her sisters house with her for three months after the passing of her brother-in-law and then when she went back home I could not follow. This is when the adrenaline of taking care of her sister and children were out her own grieving began. I had my responsibilities where I live and couldn't be there for her that week. But I was up there every Friday through Tuesday I was always checking in on her and sending her my love and my support and understanding in every way I could. There is nothing more I could've done. I gave everything I had and then some. I still want a relationship with her where both our hearts are invested. I can't say that I didn't see this slowly taking place. Because I was not blind to the disconnect, I just kind of hoped that I would be the one giving more in the relationship right now and as time went forward her heart would be able to be more involved.

[kayc]

You did nothing wrong. It's unfair of her to say you weren't there for her or her to feel angry with you, you did everything you could, went above and beyond. When people are grieving they usually go through anger and it's often directed to those they feel most comfortable with, unfortunately that was you. I'm sure you're right that when she went home it got worse for her because she was alone and wasn't busy taking care of others. Most of us have found that to be true, plus when you're first grieving you're kind of in shock, like a numbness, and then it begins to hit and set in. That's when it seems truly unbearable. But now you are grieving her, and you'll have to do all you can to make yourself feel better. Avoid alcohol, that's a depressant, not what you need. Get exercise, it relieves stress and helps you feel better. Eat healthy, that will give you optimum chance for a quicker recovery. Try to plan something fun for yourself, something to look forward to. Get out and around people that are uplifting.

[Adampic]

Like you said, I am grieving her, us. But We haven't been us for a while now. So even before this I was grieving us, she was too. She told me many times she grieves us too. The only difference to me with grieving someone who is still here and grieving someone who has passed is I still see hope in regaining that connection. It makes me still hang on, even if it's slightly. I understand that I have to focus on myself, which I am beginning to do especially with the start of my new job taking place next month. I lost my last job because I was very distracted at work. I was trying to balance the relationships and the emotions while everyone was going through their rough times. Moving forward I will continue with my life, but I have to say I'm still hoping she comes back.

[kayc]

Once you've realized it's not likely she's coming back, you will be able to focus all of your efforts on YOU, and that will help you in your recovery. Take some time to read through these threads in this section, you'll see the end result is nearly always the same. Don't give yourself hope unless/until you see reason to, i.e. she changes. Even if she were to come to you and want you back, it wouldn't work unless she address WHY she chose this route and had tangible evidence she would not do it again to you. You deserve that much. None of us deserves to be in a relationship where we can't trust the outcome.

[MartyT]

My friend, I want to add my voice to Kay's and acknowledge how painful this must be for you, and I am so sorry.

You said, I still see hope in regaining that connection. It makes me still hang on, even if it's slightly. Because of the uncertainty involved here, your experience is a most devastating kind of loss, in some ways as painful as a death.

What you are dealing with is a form of complicated grief known as ambiguous loss, and the feelings associated with it are the same as if you knew for certain that your relationship with your girlfriend has died, such as sorrow, longing, denial, anger and guilt. But this grief is also complicated by your need to keep hope alive, which constantly interrupts or delays the mourning process and makes it far more difficult to resolve. It's like harboring a wound that cannot heal. As one expert in this field states, "With ambiguous loss, there is no closure; the challenge is to learn how to live with the ambiguity."

What is more, the grief you're feeling isn't readily acknowledged or recognized by others, and you end up feeling as if you don't have a legitimate "right" to grieve. I encourage you to read this article by Ken Doka entitled

[Adampic]

Thank you to both of you. I was reading through your thread Kayc and am impressed with your strength. Today has been tough for me, as I'm sure the morning will be for some time. I dream of her every night. I can't get over the feelings I have that make me want to be with her again. We too were talking about a future together forever, until her brother in law passed, then life stopped being about us and began being about her getting healthy(emotionally). Now I am alone and that future that I feel I invested in has disappeared. It is leaving me feel like love is not reliable and I will never be able to give myself like I did to her, fully and unconditionally, and thats not fair. I want her to get healthy, but I was hoping she could do it and still be in a relationship, even a watered down version of what we had until things started to get better. But she couldn't, for numerous reasons. I just can't put behind me that I wish for her to start contacting me and asking for my return to the relationship, but backed by her return as well! I am a strong believer in love and hope, just who I am because these have helped me through many struggles. So now my faith in love has been rattled because seeing her go from absolutely in love with me to needing to be alone makes me question the strength of love. So all I am left with is hope..Im not sure where to pint that hope yet, but so far it has been pointing at us getting back together. Maybe I should point it at me being okay with out her, but then I think, who wants to be "okay" I want to feel that love that I felt when we were together before her brother in law passed. Mornings are tough indeed!

[Elicamacho]

I too am going through the same exact problem. Thinking that she will never come back but to someone else, but then I think she can because she just couldn't do a relationship in that moment. I was being selfish at times and I would question her feelings towards me during the relationship but then later I figured that was a terrible mistake. She broke up with me with the same reason, I was the one there for her, bringing her food, her favorite drinks, being there with her on those painful nights, trying to keep her mind off the loss. But she just didn't have the energy for me. I was so confused because she would act totally energetic and laugh with her friends including a guy ryan. This guy had some history with her and knows her longer, so this really stressed me out. But on the night of the funeral, she broke up with me going to a friends house and couldn't stop saying I love you so much, but I can't do a relationship right now. She also said I just can't be happy with anyone and can't stand seeing myself ignore you and hurting you anymore. I look back now and sure I could've said, no let's just take a break but ultimately, she just wanted it over. I still don't know what the reason was but I rather not know for sure only if she ever decides to re tie broken bridges. She too had said to me so much about our future. But throughout everything, life will go on. And if it is God's will then it will happen, but if not, then there's much better planned for you. It's much easier said than done but for me, family, and friends help me tremendously. Avoid isolation it will only bring thoughts and destroy you. The mornings are so tough for me, waking up 3 times at night dreaming of her and crying, but I'm time it will go away. You can only just keep around people that support you and be patient. Whatever happens, will happen for a reason. I hope you get better, we're all here for you and I will keep you in my prayers as I have and am going through the same exact thing except she lost her dad. I hope this helps you feel not alone.

God bless

[Adampic]

It's so very similar all the things you said. I feel like you were talking about me when you explained all the things you did for her when she was at her lowest and how she had more energy with friends, but not me. A bi thing with me is that I am very close friends with her sister an the kids. Her sister tells me that I am the closest thing her kids have to a father figure. And they love and have bonded to me tremendously.. Her son and my son have been very close since they were 6 months old, 6 years ago. Her brother-in-law was a close family friend, my brothers college roommate! His untimely passing shocked many people but he was battling depression and lost. My (ex)girlfriend has been battling depression caused by her grief and loss.

Today I called her sobbing and left a message. I found out that a person close to me, my mothers friend who helped raise me, took his life last night. I still saw this man 3/week.

I told her that it happened and I didn't know who to call and she was the first person to come to mind. This was 2 hours ago.. No response. I don't expect her to be there for me, but I was pretty upset earlier and automatically made the call.

[kayc]

Adampic,

I am so sorry you lost your father figure, that is really rough. And I'm sorry she didn't respond. She doesn't seem to be able to be there for anyone, she's swallowed in her own grief.

I don't know why they can't explain that they need a break but instead totally break up...maybe they don't see an end in sight to how they're feeling, what they're going through, I don't know. Like I said, lost plenty of people in my life but never reacted in this way. But it does seem to be a common grief response even if not the majority's response.

Elicamacho, I'm glad you're finding help/strength from your family. I did too, although most of my family seemed to want us back together and that didn't help...I didn't need them hoping for something that wasn't going to happen when I needed to face the facts and start adjusting. The truth is, we were done and he's proven himself to not be someone I can count on for a partner. Although recently our town was on fire and he was the only one that intimated I could bring my dog and cats and stay there until things were settled. At least we do have a good friendship.

[Adampic]

I am meeting up with my brothers next week and one of them is trying to set me up with a friend of his, she will be there that night. We never met before but I'm told she is a sweet girl, classy, and very pretty too. I'm a little vulnerable right now, it's been a pretty emotional year. I'm not really sure how to approach any new interactions with people right now. I agreed to go at least to spend time with my brothers, but am wondering if it is healthy for me to meet someone so quickly after my loss. I feel very exposed. Wondering if this can be a good thing or should I cancel?

[kayc]

Just focus on having a good time and let it be a light thing, don't worry about relationship stuff, just have fun.

[Soul man 82]

Sorry to hear this is happening to you adampic. I hope you can find comfort in the fact that your not alone, and that there's a bunch of us on here who've been through similar things. I myself am going through a grieving process right now. My gf and I talked of the future, were romantic, very attracted to one another, and most importantly felt a strong bond, but in the end it didn't matter. She broke things off with me 13 days ago. I did everything I could to help her through this but in the end she told me her feelings had changed and she didn't feel the same about me anymore. I think it's best to see you and your girlfriend as victims of circumstance, nothing more. I myself went through a depression a while back that lasted a few years when I lost three people in my life in a span of two weeks. One was my friend Al who died in a car accident, then my friend Melissa who died of cancer, and then my grandfather who passed in his sleep. I was in my early 20s when this happened and I was with this amazing girl who would have done anything for me, and supported me the best she could, but all I did was isolate myself and push her away. Only difference with me was I didn't break things off with this her, I just couldn't give her the attention she deserved. She ended things with me and once I was all healed I saw all the damage I had done. I just couldn't snap out of it when I was grieving and depressed. I hope that things turn out for you and your gf. Maybe it's best to move forward with your life but to let her know you care and maybe you will meet again in the future. I don't think it's about the relationship but rather what the persons going through and them making it through it.

[Adampic]

Sorry for your loss and thank you for trying to comfort me. I miss the low of my life, the only thing is, I have been missing her for quite some time now. "Victim of circumstance" indeed. I don't know if I have hope for us anymore. Maybe when she is healed from her loss, she and I can have some kind of relationship. She truly for amaze me! And if I can't have a family with her maybe one day I can have a friend in her. We've been through a lot together and bonded very deeply, which she cannot quite feel for other reasons right now. She has too much going on in her life to make time for a relationship. Something had to give and I understand this. It was smooth up until today, but a very confusing email was sent to me that left me clouded.

[Soul man 82]

Thanks Adampic. I can relate to what your going through with the confusion and mixed messages. I feel like even our exgfs were searching for the answers because they truly didn't know why they felt the way they did. I think it all comes down to grief response and how it changes their whole mindset, almost like they've been hijacked, and the grief is in control making the decisions for them. I know it wasn't my ex talking when the grief/depression really started to set in. My ex told me she would probably regret her decision later but felt this was what she needed to do, and that I was the best guy she's ever met. I remember her friends telling her shed really found a catch and not to screw it up. Her son even told her that he was happy she had someone like me in her life as he was leaving to go live with his dad because he could see how much I cared. In the end it didn't change a thing, she was in serious grief mode and pushed me away, questioning what she felt for me. In the end I know I tried, and although it's tough I'm gonna move on with my life without taking this too personally. It wasn't me or her, it was the grief that killed everything.

[Adampic]

I'm starting to think my ex is not only grieving, but sick too. She blocked me on Facebook after a spam email sent out to all her contacts a conversation she had with her ex boyfriend who she has been very close to as a friend since they seperated. It was pretty sexual in context. I feel so used and unappreciated. A knife in my heart and gut is twisting with each additional act of rejection show does to me.

[Soul man 82]

That's certainly a strange thing to have happened. I know when my ex broke things off with me I unfriended on Facebook but it was only because I didn't wanna constantly see pics of here and updates to what she was doing. I needed to be clean and clear of anything to do with her so I could heal but I guess that's a different situation. I'd say she's probably embarrassed and made that decision so you wouldn't see any more messages.

[kayc]

Or it's possible she thought you had something to do with it? Who knows. Getting blocked may have been a blessing as it does make a cleaner break and helps you heal faster...in the beginning it will hurt worse but trust me, you'll heal way faster too. Cyber stalking isn't healthy anyway and it's too tempting when you miss someone.

[Adampic]

This is very true. I spent much time putting our life together into a single (hidden) folder on my desktop. But I was still hanging on. This is what needs to happen to help me move on. I immediately sent her a email response when I read her conversation. It was not mean, but emotionally charged with anger and disappointment for sure. I didn't want to end it after all we been through on a negative note so I sent one last text to her,

"I think my email reply was too emotionally charged. I was frazzled and had just woke up when I wrote it and my mind was spinning. I hope that some day you will be able to see me as a friend again. I'll still be there for you, just not the same way I was before. I'm sorry for your loss, I'm sorry for your grief. You still are a Wonder Woman, now go get back on your feet and develop the most loving relationship with yourself that you can."

It still hurts, believe me it does! But I have to find a way to now store in a hidden folder all the memories in my mind (good and bad) that we shared. Until they don't affect me so much.

Thank you all for being my support through this. It helps knowing that others have/are going through it too, knowing that someone cares and is listening, and of course the advise you give. It is a slow process for me to wake back up to my own life, one that has an uncertain future, after believing so strongly in the future envisioned with her.

[kayc]

It will feel differently to you after a time, you'll see. It's amazing how hard it is at first, I remember! But I've survived many a broken heart in my life...you will too.

[Elicamacho]

Haven't been on for for a while but just started another thread, but I wanted to see how you've been doing, I know right now there's mass confusion on my side saying she's missing me and the dreams haven't stopped. But I just wanted to check up on how you have been!