The First "first" Without My Love

[Donnacas]

So, today was my first day of student teaching. The teaching itself was fine. Going to be a lot of work but I guess it's a distraction from my never ending misery. Lunch was awkward for me. I sat with the other teachers and everyone was talking about what the did with their husbands over the weekend and what they were cooking for them for supper. Everyone is aware of my loss so no one said much to me at all and part of that is because I didn't say much to them. It was hard enough just to sit with them and listen. Then on the way home, it hit me that there was no one to talk about my day with, or celebrate with me that I'm on my way to done. I cried all the way home. I distracted myself again by running a bunch of errands but I didn't finish everything before I found myself sitting in Jim's chair again, staring like a zombie at the tv, no idea what was on. I just can't seem to wrap my mind around the fact that he's never coming back tonight. I'm tired and miserable and I can't bear it right now.

[mfh]

Donnacas, it is so sad that those teachers at the very least could have avoided marriage chatter. I guess they did not think you could hear. Obviously they have no clue how to reach out to a grieving person and most of us have run into that. I am so sorry that happened. Crying is healing and distracting yourself on and off is needed. It gets better but it takes time and work. Let yourself if you feel the need to cry. It releases those feelings and lightens the load. Again, I am so sorry.

[JeL]

Donnacas, It's tough missing our loved ones when we want to share our day. I've had many lunch/work conversations similar to yours. I've come to learn that my co-workers are good people wrapped up in their own lives. I understand your sadness of not having a partner, a husband with whom to celebrate these milestones, these "firsts".

Congrats on completing your first day of student teaching, feeling that it went fine. I hope you're proud of that accomplishment.

Something that works for me....maybe will work for you too: I often take a lunch time walk to get away from the office chatter. It's good to be outdoors mid-day, sometimes I listen to music, call family/friends in a different time zone, try to empty my head as I walk. Thinking of you. Jo

[feralfae]

Donnacas,

Congratulations on a good first day of student teaching! That is a milestone, and good of you for making it so far.

I still have trouble, after 30 months, handling the chatter about what couples have been doing together as I sit among them, alone and missing Doug. But at least the joyful recounting of their happy times is easier to bear now. Sometimes, their chatter brings up wonderful memories of times Doug and I had together, and that comforts me. It does get easier.

Distract yourself when you can: it gives your heart and brain a rest. If you are not journaling, I encourage you to do so. Sitting down and writing out my feelings, chronicling my days, both the sadness and the successes, the loneliness and the life I am trying to find, all help me to feel alive, connected, and as though there is something there, outside of the grief and pain. And when the special days come around, such as anniversaries, holidays, days flooded with memories, I am now able to speak about it, to share some of my thoughts with others, and that really helps.

So, cry when you feel moved to cry, and share when you can, even in your journal. Writing things down gives them more concrete reality, and helps to move the feelings through our hearts and bodies.

I like Jo's idea of taking a walk at lunch time. A refreshing change of perspective, too. I think I will try that myself. Doug and I used to walk together during lunch hour, leaving our office and walking out to have private talks, and sometimes, just to be alone and hold hands. Now when I walk, I imagine him with me some of the times, and it helps, because I talk with him as well.

Again, congratulations on your first day of teaching! That is a great accomplishment! Good for you!

*<twinkles>*

fae

[kayc]

You can come here and share those things with us. We celebrate together, cry together, share our lives together here. I am sorry they did the marriage chatter around you, we know how that feels. I recently had my sister tell me I have a "charmed life"...she still has her husband, doesn't have to struggle financially, has help around her place, etc. I wonder what she would know about it. Now and then people say these insensitive clueless things and it's hard to digest. I've learned to say what's on my mind but sometimes I get caught off guard. I guess I feel glad that she (and others) don't have to know what it's like, don't have to experience what I experience. Even if it means they're clueless.

I wonder if you could change the subject to something that might concern all of you rather than just some of. Congratulations on getting through the "first day"! Here school hasn't started yet but they are in the preparatory mode.

[Norskie]

Donnacas, I would love to hear about your experiences! I retired early from teaching to care for my husband. I have been alone now for four months. I just "celebrated" our first wedding anniversary with champagne we'd hoped we'd share. Tough day. Anyway, come to this place and share the good and the bad about your day. I would truly enjoy listening. Deb

[mlg]

Oh Donnacus,

So many of us know exactly how you feel. I couldn't look at the wedding pictures in the paper for years. I still have a hard time with people celebrating their 50th anniv. since I know I'll never get to do that. I get a knot in my stomach when I see couples hold hands (not that Tom and I always did but it's just an intimate thing and I'll never have it again). Hopefully as your school year goes on you will find other things to distract you. Maybe there is someone in that school who has gone through a similar thing and may reach out to you. I know it's different when it isn't your spouse but I know my daughter, who is a teacher, has reached out to many fellow teachers when they have had a loss and they have told me what a God send she was.

Good luck in your student teaching and I hope it helps you on your road to recovery.

[Queeniemary]

Donnacas, those firsts are always hard. Sounds to me like you came through it like a trouper. Yes, we all miss that person to share our day with, that is the hardest part of being alone to me. Well, one of the hardest parts, anyway. The no longer being a part of a team or couple is hard, and everytime you do a "first" alone it will be hard. After 56 months, I can tell you it does get a little easier, you become accustomed somewhat to your new normal, which is being alone. Thinking of you, and holding you close.

QMary